Unbearable

[els_bells]

What is wrong with me? I don't want to destroy my body in the way that I do yet I can't stop.
Last night things just got so bad. I got back to uni yesterday and I was so glad to be back, home was driving me mad! However when I went back to my room after being with friends I just went crazy. I literally cut myself about 50 times with a razor blade. All over my body, what a mess.
I feel so numb. I used to cry about this stuff all the time but now I can't. I can't cry. The pain is immense now but that is what i wanted.
I want to ask God forgiveness for what I did but I'm not sorry. I know I'm going to end up doing it again.
Please pray for me because it is getting unbearable. I am starting to meet up with a christian counsellor next week so know I need to just hold out till then.
xxxxxxxxx

 

[soaring as eagles]

Just wondered are you seeing any professionals at the moment or have been to your doctor about this. I feel you should approach your dr about this and he should refer you.

You are not alone. You will find many people on here that deal with SI including myself.

I am praying for you.

It will be good start to have a christian counsellor. Is there any body you CAN talk to. All your deepest thoughts etc.

IF you need to talk Pm me

 

[els_bells]

No, I have not been to see my doctor and I'm not seeing any professionals. Too much hurt and bad experiences to do that from the past. I've been totally put off the whole thing.
Hoping that going through things with a christian counsellor will help and will give me someone to talk to. Having recently moved to uni i don't know many people here so don't have anyone who I can really talk to and tell my deepest thoughts.

 

[TheMainException]

My dear sister...I know the pain inside is bad....and crying helps....don't cut...you gotta make yourself cry...you just got to. 50 times huh??? That's gotta hurt....which hurts more...the pain inside or the pain you cause yourself? I'm hoping that it's the physical pain...keep going my friend...keep going...I love you so much...so very much....I pray that you can make it through this week without letting out a single drop of your precious blood. Keep it on the inside...where it's needed.

 

[VivDaGurl]

ells_bells I'm so, so sorry for what you have to go through - the pain and hurt deep within you. It must have hurt so badly....but, like what soaring as eagles said, you are not alone to be in this. I will be for you, my dear, dear sister!

If you haven't found anybody whom you can trust to talk to at uni, you can talk here...I'm willing to listen to you if you want to talk. Don't keep it within you, it'll make things worst.

 

[els_bells]

How far will I go before I learn? How much longer am I going to continue hurting my body? I'm still waiting to speak to a christian counsellor. As I wait the hurting is just getting worse and worse, I feel out of control. I know that with God I will get through this but when? I know I need to work through lots of stuff but how long it that going to take and what am I going to end up doing to myself in the meantime? I can't keep going like this.

 

[madison1101]

How far will I go before I learn? How much longer am I going to continue hurting my body? I'm still waiting to speak to a christian counsellor. As I wait the hurting is just getting worse and worse, I feel out of control. I know that with God I will get through this but when? I know I need to work through lots of stuff but how long it that going to take and what am I going to end up doing to myself in the meantime? I can't keep going like this.

Oh my dear sister, I understand your pain. I have done as you have, and remember it well. When you feel this out of control, sit in a comfortable chair and deep breath. In slowly to the count of 6, and then out slowly to the count of 6. Do that about 10 times. Then pray and ask God for help. Tell him how you are feeling. Scream, cry, yell, do whatever to communicate your pain to him. Let him have all the hurts. He won't condemn you for it. He loves you and wants to take that pain.

Hugs,
Madison