Unaffectionate Wife

[LosingHope]

It's been a year since I wrote my wife the letter below. I thought explaining everything thoroughly would help her understand the whole matter. But nothing has changed. She is still as unaffectionate as ever.

Even though she agrees on some level and will shift her response for a day or so it'll end up in the same mode of non-affection. She mostly thinks it's my problem and I need just to accept it, she doesn't view it as a big problem.

I'm very frustrated. There isn't anything else I can tell her and some days I feel depressed and lonely and think "This is what I have the rest of my life to just accept it? It's normal and I need to get over it."

Any advice would be appreciated.

My letter follows:

------,

I would think knowing your husband is upset you'd at least want to talk? Seek out an explanation, resolve the situation, inform yourself as to the "Why" of the problem so you can understand it and thus deal with it?

But since it's obvious to me that you'd rather remain indifferent to reality I'm going to put everything on paper so my emotions don't get in the way and by doing so there is no excuse for you not understanding what I'm trying to say to you.

It's nothing new, everything I'll be stating here I've said to you before at one time or another. You just seem bent on simply choosing to ignore it or just don't care that I feel the way I do and that is your way of dealing with it I guess? I'm not sure what your motivating factors behind your indifference towards me are? I just know it hasn't spurred you to even care about facing them honestly or talking to me about them.

That said it's important that I make sure to preface what I'm about to say. I'm not referring to sex, what we do in the bedroom at night. I'm also not referring to you doing things for me like cleaning, cooking, watching the kids, running errands etc. Frankly all those things one could pay someone to do if they really wanted too. So in truth anyone can do those things.

What I am referring to are the small physical actions that a wife should do in regards to a relationship with their husband that demonstrate affection. A warm embrace, a kiss, holding hands, a tender glance etc. All added up it makes the person feel wanted and loved.

I've brought up the fact that you don't show me any type of affection before many times. I think the first time I bought it up was in our old house in 2005, you literally laughed it off and I got mad and yelled at you.

I feel like every time I bring this up you just shrug it off, don't take it serious and act as if it has nothing to do with you what so ever and it's my problem. A year or so ago you said "I'm done with this merry go round." which once again wrote it off as if my concern wasn't warranted.

You wonder why I get so * off at you at times? It's because I'm a volcano. You don't show me any type of affection in any way, you never act in a fond way towards me either, you never initiate any time you and I can be alone and go do something together, you never want to sit by me even on the couch, I can't even remember the last time you said to me you loved me?

Most of the time I try not to let it bug me but over time it all adds up and slowly brews and yes I explode. Than when I do get mad or yell you say "I don't understand why you're in such a bad mood? What did I do?" Well that's it. It's a culmination of your consistent vacant attention towards me over time.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of emotional deprivation with you ------. I'm really depressed right now because I don't see you even acknowledging any of this. You don't take me serious, you don't see this as impotent enough to deal with, you go out of your way to laugh at something I do any chance you get but you don't put the same effort into just going out of your way to hug me.

Why is it you can be affectionate with our kids and even our pets on a daily basis, but you can't with your own husband? Doesn't that seem a bit odd to you ------?

The few times I've tried to make an effort to take you somewhere and do something with just you and me, it's like you physically show up, but you weren't their emotionally? Most of the time I feel like you don't really care or want to know me on a deeper level or be around me. You're just along for the ride and don't really want to talk during that ride.

I know I have a problem with controlling my anger and that is one reason why I decided to write you this letter rather than talk to you because I'd get shut off and than get mad. Or I'd get so frustrated trying to say all this I'd explode and you'd just walk off again.

I try to initiate affection at times but when I do your reaction tends to be one of aversion not a willing participant. This doesn't help at all.

When you say stuff like "You don't like to kiss." to me that really hurts. My heart sank when you said that. I literally wanted to just leave the house after you said that. But you didn't explain anything, you don't communicate your feelings with any kind of depth and I am left frustrated. It took about a week before you actually explained it and that shouldn't have taken that long. But once again you're explanation made me feel like * "Yeah she'll give you a peck but don't expect her to be affectionate when you kiss."

Does my wife even love me? If she does why doesn't she ever show any kind of passion towards me? I'd expect once in a blue moon I'd at least get some form of fondness directed my way but that is never the case.

I haven't talked to you the past few days because I'll I've wanted to do is explode. I'm trying not too. I'm trying to once and for all thoroughly explain myself so you cannot write it off and ignore my concerns.

I really think we need to set up a meeting with someone you can talk too about this. Whether you want to or not I am insisting that we do. It's a problem in our marriage and I am simply tapped out. I have no clue why you act the way you do and I don't know what to do other than communicate with you everything I have in this letter.

All I can do is be honest with you about how I feel regarding this and how it's effecting me. I don't like being a volcano at times but I don't feel I can talk to you about this openly and have you take me serious.
------
This has been a huge struggle for me. And I can't talk to anyone but God about it. I'm not going to approach my guy friends about this because frankly most of them probably align closer with you, so I feel very alone and yet I know that shouldn't be.

I love you ------, but I struggle a lot wondering if you really love me or even care about me at times because your not affectionate towards me. That may shock you but it's caused me many many hours of grief and you need to know that.

I don't want an affectionate wife I need an affectionate wife.

------

 

[blessedmomof5]

Good morning

That sounds rough for you, and i am sorry you are going through this!
But in all honesty, i would like to know a little more if that is ok?

How long have you been married?
Was she like this before you married, lack of affection?
How many children do you have?
Plus you said you had a temper?
Have you ever both tried to speak with your pastor about this or seek help at all?

 

[Conservativation]

Sounds like it wont get better

 

[Sandradee0303]

I'm not a professional but have plenty of experience in a loveless type marriage. The first thing I noticed was that your letter was full of "you don't, you never, you need help, you always....." The constant pointing finger isn't going to get you what you need.

YOU and YOUR wife need counseling together. Have you searched your heart as to why she isn't affectionate with you? You say you have a temper, could it be she is just burned out from that? What was your (both) communication like during dating and the beginning of marriage?

Something that really stuck out to me was that you stated your friends would align with her and that is why you don't seek their advice. WHY would YOUR FRIENDS align with her?

I think we need more of the back story. How long have you been married? What was it like in the beginning? What do YOU think turned her heart?

I is 7 a.m eastern time and I will be in nrsg school until 4p.m. this afternoon but I hope you take a moment to think about how you want to answer. Answer with your heart, keep your anger out, and know that my questions are not in judgement of you or her. Try to think logically w/o letting your pain lead your answers.

God Bless you,
Sandy

 

[chaz345]

I too noticed not only a lot of "you" statements in that letter but also a lot of assuming/assigning of motive on her part. Both are great ways to increase defensiveness and shut down any possibility of communication.

I think we all, as outside observers, can see the deep hurt and frustration in your words. But as the person it was directed to/at, I can tell you the only thing I'd likely see is attack and my likely response would be defensiveness/digging in further.

All that aside though, the bottom line is that regardless of her reason for being the way she is, for her to know you've got difficulty with the way things are and to steadfastly refuse to do anything about it is wrong, period. Backstory may be helpful in offering suggestions as to how to move forward, but it's not necessary to see that.

If you don't mind, I'd like to, as an illustration, "re-write" your letter in a way that's far less likely to evoke a defensive response. I'll not do that until you give specific permission and if you'd prefer I'll do it via PM. Let me know.

 

[JaneFW]

That said it's important that I make sure to preface what I'm about to say. I'm not referring to sex, what we do in the bedroom at night. I'm also not referring to you doing things for me like cleaning, cooking, watching the kids, running errands etc. Frankly all those things one could pay someone to do if they really wanted too. So in truth anyone can do those things.

Telling your wife that you can pay for someone to do all these things, including having sex .. wow.

I understand that you are hurt, and I can empathize, but I would not learn anything from this letter, other than I am not living up to your expectations, and you are angry and bitter, and you don't really like me very much - and you will justify any kind of behavior, like yelling, because I am not pleasing you.

 

[pdudgeon]

one thing in your letter stood out for me. Your wife has demonstrated affection for her children, and for the family pets so she does know how to demonstrate affection and she feels confident and safe in doing so with them.

there are many possible explainations on both sides for what is happening in your marriage, probably too many to go into here in this venue.
i would recommend counseling.

 

[dorig59]

I think he also had a lot of "I" statements in there. He acknowledges how he feels and he acknowledges and apologies several times over for getting mad about this.

And, OP, let me guess: she doesn't like/want/need sex either. Am I right?

 

[JaneFW]

Well as he says he's not referring to sex, I figure that they have sex.

 

[visionary]

I had a hubby once that was like a vacumn cleaner, came, sucked up all the affection, and never once asked to be a part of my life. He too would have written a letter very similar to yours if I had not given him the affection he asked for. But he missed in truly caring and giving in return without expectation to get more out of the investment that what he put into it.

 

[dallasapple]

What I am referring to are the small physical actions that a wife should do in regards to a relationship with their husband that demonstrate affection. A warm embrace, a kiss, holding hands, a tender glance etc. All added up it makes the person feel wanted and loved.

I agree with the others..this is a big example here..you are telling her what "a" wife "should" do..She will and rightly so be defensive upon hearing something like that..its completely impersonal..she isn't "a wife" that makes her sound like a thing..or an object..she is a human being..thats #1..#2 she is a SPECIFIC human beign and there are very few definite "shoulds or shouldnts" in a relationship..Could part(not all) but part of the problem be your pre-concieved notions and expectations of how 'a" wife "should" act towards her husband?

In a nutshell here what you have done is taken "a wife" a model of one in your head a "phantom wife" imagined how she 'should act" compared your wife directly to this strange "wife" then deemed your wife "defective" "odd" and not what "a" wife is..in your imagination..

I'm not in any way trying to minimize your pain or say its not real in this dynamic or that maybe she doesn't have some sort of fear of intimacy for whatever reason..OR it could be simply that is just the way she is..she doesn LIKE a lot of touching and long deep eye contact...for whatever reason makes her uncomfortable..and its not "wrong" its just not her...those things that mean SO much to you just dont mean that much to HER its not natural to her to have exchnages like that ...and you said you dont want her to just 'physically be there"..which is sounds like she has tried to do...And you call that "along for the ride"..?Thats another part of the issue..is sounds like she cant win for losing in this..

Also one other thing I noticed...you keep insisting she either doesnt 'understand" or she understands and doesnt "care"..Well there is ONLY so much "understanding" can be for.Understanding isnt going to = change of feelings or heart or PERSONALITY.Understanding may simply mean she "gets" how you feel..But getting how YOU FEEL wont magically translate her feelings being any different...or how she is naturally reversing/changing to a completely different person...

Try and take anything else in life ...that you like dislike..need or dont need..then ASSUME your wife "should" like it too..dislike it too..and then expect her to suddenly change that simply understanding thats YOUR preference..My husband HATES english peas...I love them...I dont get WHY he doesnt love them only as far as I UNDERSTAND there are certain foods I hate...so I dont question it and say "you should love english peas because I do"...you are "defective" and "odd" that you dont..now that you know that I LOVE english peas..you should respond and not just eat them but really really LOVE the flavor and crave them the same as me..If you dont then you just must not care about me...

Anyone would tell me thats ridiculous..everyone is DIFFERENT..Now why woud you expect that something like affection isnt just as personal and varying from person to person and "assume" that all 'wifes" SHOULD enjoy as much of it ..and as deelply as her husband?(or reverse it and say its the wife wanting more affection)...?

Maybe her parents didnt exibit a lot of displays of affection in front of the kids?Maybe its an "awkward thing..just how she is wired..?

But either way ya'll need some counselign both of you do liek the others have said..You need to stop expecting your wife "should WANT" something ..anything with you in order to fit the profile of "wife" you have decided for yourself is a guidline for "normal" and she needs to learn maybe soem ways to "loosen up" a little and try adn learn to feel comfortable with terms of endearment(saying I love you) and learn how get up the "nerve" or even have the though of maybe reaching out to hold your hand on occassion ...and hopefully get over any humps of any kind of intimidation/awkwardness IF she has any over that type of exchange..

Dallas

 

[Conservativation]

I think he also had a lot of "I" statements in there. He acknowledges how he feels and he acknowledges and apologies several times over for getting mad about this.

And, OP, let me guess: she doesn't like/want/need sex either. Am I right?

Me too, and Im not sure his whole point was to invite critique of how he wrote the stinkin letter....sheesh.

 

[JaneFW]

Me too, and Im not sure his whole point was to invite critique of how he wrote the stinkin letter....sheesh.

"Any advice would be appreciated."

My advice would be that the stinkin' letter was a mistake.

 

[Conservativation]

Written a year ago, guess she has issues letting things go.

See, the letter was written, he cannot edit it now, and its a year ago. So him saying "any advice would be appreciated" having to do with how to word his letter is like asking what the US could have done better in writing The Gulf of Tonkin Resolution.

If she isnt affectionate because of how that letter was written....well, he could renounce it.

 

[chaz345]

There seems to me to be a lot of statements in this thread that if the writer were a woman, would be characterized as blaming the victim.

 

[Tannic]

It's been a year since I wrote my wife the letter below. I thought explaining everything thoroughly would help her understand the whole matter. But nothing has changed. She is still as unaffectionate as ever.

Even though she agrees on some level and will shift her response for a day or so it'll end up in the same mode of non-affection. She mostly thinks it's my problem and I need just to accept it, she doesn't view it as a big problem.

I'm very frustrated. There isn't anything else I can tell her and some days I feel depressed and lonely and think "This is what I have the rest of my life to just accept it? It's normal and I need to get over it."

Any advice would be appreciated.

My letter follows:

------,

I would think knowing your husband is upset you'd at least want to talk? Seek out an explanation, resolve the situation, inform yourself as to the "Why" of the problem so you can understand it and thus deal with it?

But since it's obvious to me that you'd rather remain indifferent to reality I'm going to put everything on paper so my emotions don't get in the way and by doing so there is no excuse for you not understanding what I'm trying to say to you.

It's nothing new, everything I'll be stating here I've said to you before at one time or another. You just seem bent on simply choosing to ignore it or just don't care that I feel the way I do and that is your way of dealing with it I guess? I'm not sure what your motivating factors behind your indifference towards me are? I just know it hasn't spurred you to even care about facing them honestly or talking to me about them.

That said it's important that I make sure to preface what I'm about to say. I'm not referring to sex, what we do in the bedroom at night. I'm also not referring to you doing things for me like cleaning, cooking, watching the kids, running errands etc. Frankly all those things one could pay someone to do if they really wanted too. So in truth anyone can do those things.

What I am referring to are the small physical actions that a wife should do in regards to a relationship with their husband that demonstrate affection. A warm embrace, a kiss, holding hands, a tender glance etc. All added up it makes the person feel wanted and loved.

I've brought up the fact that you don't show me any type of affection before many times. I think the first time I bought it up was in our old house in 2005, you literally laughed it off and I got mad and yelled at you.

I feel like every time I bring this up you just shrug it off, don't take it serious and act as if it has nothing to do with you what so ever and it's my problem. A year or so ago you said "I'm done with this merry go round." which once again wrote it off as if my concern wasn't warranted.

You wonder why I get so * off at you at times? It's because I'm a volcano. You don't show me any type of affection in any way, you never act in a fond way towards me either, you never initiate any time you and I can be alone and go do something together, you never want to sit by me even on the couch, I can't even remember the last time you said to me you loved me?

Most of the time I try not to let it bug me but over time it all adds up and slowly brews and yes I explode. Than when I do get mad or yell you say "I don't understand why you're in such a bad mood? What did I do?" Well that's it. It's a culmination of your consistent vacant attention towards me over time.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of emotional deprivation with you ------. I'm really depressed right now because I don't see you even acknowledging any of this. You don't take me serious, you don't see this as impotent enough to deal with, you go out of your way to laugh at something I do any chance you get but you don't put the same effort into just going out of your way to hug me.

Why is it you can be affectionate with our kids and even our pets on a daily basis, but you can't with your own husband? Doesn't that seem a bit odd to you ------?

The few times I've tried to make an effort to take you somewhere and do something with just you and me, it's like you physically show up, but you weren't their emotionally? Most of the time I feel like you don't really care or want to know me on a deeper level or be around me. You're just along for the ride and don't really want to talk during that ride.

I know I have a problem with controlling my anger and that is one reason why I decided to write you this letter rather than talk to you because I'd get shut off and than get mad. Or I'd get so frustrated trying to say all this I'd explode and you'd just walk off again.

I try to initiate affection at times but when I do your reaction tends to be one of aversion not a willing participant. This doesn't help at all.

When you say stuff like "You don't like to kiss." to me that really hurts. My heart sank when you said that. I literally wanted to just leave the house after you said that. But you didn't explain anything, you don't communicate your feelings with any kind of depth and I am left frustrated. It took about a week before you actually explained it and that shouldn't have taken that long. But once again you're explanation made me feel like * "Yeah she'll give you a peck but don't expect her to be affectionate when you kiss."

Does my wife even love me? If she does why doesn't she ever show any kind of passion towards me? I'd expect once in a blue moon I'd at least get some form of fondness directed my way but that is never the case.

I haven't talked to you the past few days because I'll I've wanted to do is explode. I'm trying not too. I'm trying to once and for all thoroughly explain myself so you cannot write it off and ignore my concerns.

I really think we need to set up a meeting with someone you can talk too about this. Whether you want to or not I am insisting that we do. It's a problem in our marriage and I am simply tapped out. I have no clue why you act the way you do and I don't know what to do other than communicate with you everything I have in this letter.

All I can do is be honest with you about how I feel regarding this and how it's effecting me. I don't like being a volcano at times but I don't feel I can talk to you about this openly and have you take me serious.
------
This has been a huge struggle for me. And I can't talk to anyone but God about it. I'm not going to approach my guy friends about this because frankly most of them probably align closer with you, so I feel very alone and yet I know that shouldn't be.

I love you ------, but I struggle a lot wondering if you really love me or even care about me at times because your not affectionate towards me. That may shock you but it's caused me many many hours of grief and you need to know that.

I don't want an affectionate wife I need an affectionate wife.

------

Sorry I tend to ask questions before I answer anything because I don't know 'both' sides of the story. I understand how you feel about the issue but I'm wondering about something. I see your letter is about your feelings. My question is do you show your wife that you appreciate her? Do you know what she likes and dislikes? Have you tried buying her flowers without telling her?

Have you just watched your wife (study her aka the fireproof movie showed me this)? I don't need any details just whether or not you did this and continued?

 

[dallasapple]

Written a year ago, guess she has issues letting things go.

See, the letter was written, he cannot edit it now, and its a year ago. So him saying "any advice would be appreciated" having to do with how to word his letter is like asking what the US could have done better in writing The Gulf of Tonkin Resolution.

If she isnt affectionate because of how that letter was written....well, he could renounce it.

All Im saying is the letter woudl be representative Im ASSUMING of his overall ATTITUDE about her and thier marriage dynamics..the letter was a CRITIQUE of her as a wife..all aiming towards her not being "normal" in his opinion ..

Why edit it? His attitude needs to be either adjusted..or it just has to be accepted he has a preconcieved notion of how "a" wife should be and she is the wrong "model" and stop trying to correct her defects..

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

There seems to me to be a lot of statements in this thread that if the writer were a woman, would be characterized as blaming the victim.

Nope. If a woman wrote that letter, I would tell her the same things. You can't tell your spouse that you can pay for someone else to do the things that they do out of love for their family members and expect a positive response. Well, you can if you are deluded.

Anyway, I'm not getting dragged into arguing about my responses. It's pointless.

I have given the OP my advice. It's up to him what he makes of it.

FTR, I do empathize with him. I have a lot experience in "feeling unloved" - oh wait, isn't that just one of those "feelings"? - and it is painful and saddening. I just think that perhaps it might be smarter for the OP to suggest to his wife that they both spend time with their pastor, or with a counselor and work on their issues together i.e. his anger, her lack of affection .. etc. rather than making a list of all the ways she doesn't please him, and how it makes him so angry.

 

[Tannic]

Honestly no one likes to be a problem or people pointing the finger at them whether they are a man or woman. So his letter expressed his feelings but not hers. We have no idea how she feels about this and don't know the whole story here.

 

[visionary]

Honestly no one likes to be a problem or people pointing the finger at them whether they are a man or woman. So his letter expressed his feelings but not hers. We have no idea how she feels about this and don't know the whole story here.

Isn't that a clue in and of itself? The fact that this man has no idea why his wife can be affection with everyone around her but him, really says a lot especially since the letter is all about him.