[Trigger warning] Sexual Abuse and Dating

Tink

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This idea came about from another thread dealing with people who have sexual pasts.


Would you date/marry someone who has been sexually abused or sexually assaulted?

Please discuss, but remember to be compassionate, tactful and sympathetic in your responses just in case, even though I have a trigger warning posted in the thread title. I will report any post in this thread that violates this request.
 

HighwayMan

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Considering the numbers on people who have sexually abused/assaulted I think it would be hard not to. Sexual abuse/assault is never the victims fault so I cannot think of any reason to use what had happened to them as a deterrent to dating them.

Yeah, don't see how that can be argued.
 
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broken_one

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I think it really depends on how much abuse there was or how symptomatic the person is about the abuse (for instance PTSD flashbacks). It's that unseen damage that is the worst....you really have to pay attention to that, and if it's too much you have to go. Don't try to fix people who need to be fixed themselves first.

(now this sounds like advice against dating me :sorry:)
 
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Keri

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I think it really depends on how much abuse there was or how symptomatic the person is about the abuse (for instance PTSD flashbacks). It's that unseen damage that is the worst....you really have to pay attention to that, and if it's too much you have to go. Don't try to fix people who need to be fixed themselves first.

(now this sounds like advice against dating me :sorry:)


I agree with the bolded part. I wouldn't count out someone based on being abused as a child, but if someone was still emotionally unstable due to it, I have no desire to go into a relationship as a therapist.
 
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Blank123

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I agree with Sean and Keri. an abusive past (sexual, physical, or emotional) itself is not a deterrent in who I choose to date. But I can't fix someone who needs fixing and I don't want to be put in a position to feel obligated to. If he's still dealing with serious issues related to the abuse, then addressing that has to come before any relationship he and I could have together.
 
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broken_one

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I agree with the bolded part. I wouldn't count out someone based on being abused as a child, but if someone was still emotionally unstable due to it, I have no desire to go into a relationship as a therapist.
I can't rep you, so I guess I'll put it here.....my only deal with being "the therapist" is that if someone is actively seeking help anyway, I think that's kinda messed that you can't give them a shot.
 
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Keri

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I can't rep you, so I guess I'll put it here.....my only deal with being "the therapist" is that if someone is actively seeking help anyway, I think that's kinda messed that you can't give them a shot.
It's different if someone is already seeking help though. In treatment, i.e. they have their own therapist. I don't want to be their ONLY form of help. I would fully support anyone I loved. I just can't see going into a relationship with someone that is not getting help or treatment and only wants a girl to fix them.
 
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Miles

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Would you date/marry someone who has been sexually abused or sexually assaulted?
It's not a deal breaker for me. A few women that I've dated experienced something like that before we met, and it didn't cause relationship problems. That said, the news can hit me pretty hard. The thought that there are abusers out there is upsetting enough without learning that somebody I care about has been hurt by one.
 
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Amber.ly

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Wow, that is tough. I would love to say that it wouldn't affect me at all and that of course I would date someone who was abused but it isn't that simple.

I know someone who was physically abused by his dad and he grew up to be a wonderful guy and father. But then I know someone who was emotionally abused and he carries that onto his own children and I saw the pain it caused his family and the effect it had on his kids.

Some people can recover and overcome abuse. Some do not. But I'm not sure how you could tell the difference before dating/marrying them.
 
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Stravinsk

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This is hard for me to answer. I'd want to be assurred that there weren't going to be multiple problems in the intimacy/sexual area prior to making a commitment. I don't want to be miserable because she has a ton of unresolved issues that affect us in these areas.
 
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Keri

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Wow, that is tough. I would love to say that it wouldn't affect me at all and that of course I would date someone who was abused but it isn't that simple.

I know someone who was physically abused by his dad and he grew up to be a wonderful guy and father. But then I know someone who was emotionally abused and he carries that onto his own children and I saw the pain it caused his family and the effect it had on his kids.

Some people can recover and overcome abuse. Some do not. But I'm not sure how you could tell the difference before dating/marrying them.
I think the way you would notice the difference is whether or not the abuse defines the person. Those who haven't healed, let it define who they are and how they act. Those who have healed don't let the abuse define who they are, how they act or how they treat others.
 
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Inkachu

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Bottom line (IMHO): we've all been through stuff. The particular "stuff" doesn't determine who a person is or what their future will be. A person who's been sexually abused is not "more damaged" than others who have been through other types of tragedies. We're ALL damaged by sin in this world.

/whatever
 
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Blank123

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Bottom line (IMHO): we've all been through stuff. The particular "stuff" doesn't determine who a person is or what their future will be. A person who's been sexually abused is not "more damaged" than others who have been through other types of tragedies. We're ALL damaged by sin in this world.

/whatever


yup. for sure.
 
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white dove

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This idea came about from another thread dealing with people who have sexual pasts.


Would you date/marry someone who has been sexually abused or sexually assaulted?

Please discuss, but remember to be compassionate, tactful and sympathetic in your responses just in case, even though I have a trigger warning posted in the thread title. I will report any post in this thread that violates this request.

It would really matter how he approaches it... "es" and not "ed" because I don't think you can ever truly move past something like that. I think it always stays with you on some level. But, I can't be someone's savior or anything, so I could not be put into that kind of role. If he's taken on the burden in a noble way, then I would respect that and want to be with him. I admire survivors. I would also need him to be as candid as he can be because I would need to know if there is anything off-limits to him and how he feels about certain things that might be said/done in his presence that may hurt or trigger him.
 
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