Bill I am in a season of pain and struggle myself and I have found a very good article that I think will help you as it has helped me. I am still praying for you. It's long so get ready to read! (but well worth it!)
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"Well, That's Just the Way I Am"
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by Alan P. Medinger
(Adapted by permission from an article which appeared in
Regeneration News, May 1997)
Alan Medinger is one of the best-known names in ex-gay ministry; the Bulletin profiled his own story of growth out of homosexuality in the December 1996 issue. Here, he offers some wise advice which we believe is relevant to homosexual strugglers of most religious faiths (or no religious faith), even though it is addressed specifically to evangelical Christians.
Mr. Medinger identifies many time-honored and universal principles of character development, personal responsibility and emotional growth.
When a certain friend of mine and I get into a discussion that touches on some negative or destructive behavior or a less than ideal attitude that she manifests, often the final card that she will play when all else has failed is, "Well, that's just the way I am." Unspoken, but clearly understood, are the corollaries, "And I can't do anything about it," and "If it bothers you, that's too bad." She uses this to bring closure to the discussion, and it usually does.
This statement, laid out bare as it is in the headline above, sounds like the angry outburst of a foot-stomping little child. But, its more than that. It is an attitude that creeps into the thinking of many mature adults.
I've heard it in my own inner thoughts: "I'm just not a people person." We hear it in people in our ministry all the time: "I'm extremely sensitive." "I am weak in this area." "I am a very emotional person." "I just can't relate to men." "I don't have much strength or endurance." "I'm not very spiritual." "I can't stand sports."
Of course, most of these statements reflect a degree of truth. To be truthful, I am more contented and comfortable writing this article than I am spending a long afternoon with a group of people. You may be more sensitive than most people. You may have an exceptional problem with endurance, or with men. Where the difficulty lies, however, and where the foot-stomping child comes in, is with the understanding that we cannot change, or with the belief that we must act according to this part of our nature, regardless of what it does to others.
Such an attitude is life-limiting, even destructive. That it is something to be resisted should be obvious. We can combat it if we start out by recognizing that, except for situations in which certain physical (including brain) limitations are present, the statement, "Well, that's just the way I am" is almost never a valid justification for how we live our lives. Two responses to this statement are always in order. First, we always can change--at least to some extent. Second, our behavior does not always have to reflect our natural inclinations.
I recently spent six days together with our staff on a retreat in North Carolina. Now, these are people I really love and admire, people who I find quite interesting, people with whom I am quite compatible. But, after the third or fourth day I started to become weary of being with them. Some people, like my wife, thrive on people. I tend to be worn out by them. This is who I am, and I accept this fact, but this is not always a neutral characteristic. Left to take its own course or carried to extremes, it can be quite harmful. Recognizing this, over the years I have tried to change. I have prayed that I would love and appreciate people more. I have made myself do things with groups of people in hopes that I would find pleasure in these things and would do them more enthusiastically. These efforts have paid off. I'll never be a party animal, but neither will I be as reclusive as I might have been.
Also, during the last three days of the retreat I did not retire to my room to read or write or play solitaire. Although I might have found this more relaxing and pleasurable, it would not have been appropriate. I stayed with the group, and hopefully they weren't fully aware of "the way I am." I know that I was blessed by being with them.
What are the areas in which you overtly or internally declare: "Well, that's just the way I am." Are you extremely sensitive or weak in some areas? Do you have trouble relating to men? Is the problem that you don't have much physical endurance? My answer to you is that you can change--to some degree, and your behavior does not have to be governed by these traits.
But you may respond, "Aren't we free to accept ourselves as we are? Psychologically, isn't accepting ourselves a sign of emotional well-being?"
But Is This "Just Who I Am"?
That may be so, but the real question is, when do we simply accept one of these characteristics, and when do we struggle to change and battle not to be governed by it? The answer is fairly simple: we try to change, or we try to not be totally controlled by it, when it produces negative results.
The most obvious negative result is that the trait leads to behavior that is part of a rationale for sinful behavior: "I am not strong like other people; I'll always give in to sexual feelings." Or it may be a justification for not doing what we should do: "I have to have nine or ten hours sleep, so there is no way that I can have a quiet time for reflection."
Second, we should not accept the characteristic without a battle if it leads to behavior that is not good for other people. "I don't have much endurance, so my wife has to do all of the work around the house." "I can't tolerate people like him, so I dropped out of the therapy group."
Third, it should be battled when it interferes with what we really want out of life. You want to have friends, or maybe to be married, but you are a shy person: Seek to change a little and don't let your shyness totally control your life. You are an emotionally needy person, but you want out of homosexuality: Seek to find the sources of your neediness and to find other, more legitimate ways of meeting your needs. Be willing to endure some degree of pain. The same principles apply in every aspect of our struggle to overcome homosexuality.
"Well, that's just who I am," is almost always an outward expression of wrong attitudes dwelling deep inside of us.
It can be a sign of a person who stubbornly refuses to try to change. It may be a sign of self-centeredness: "I am going to do things the way that feels right to me, and I don't care what it does to you."
Or, it can be a sign of a lack of faith in our own ability to grow and change. This doesn't mean that I will ever become a tremendously outgoing, gregarious person, but it does mean that I can grow and change at least a little. Everyone who is in Christ can expect to grow and change--if they want to.
The Gay Community Says "That's Just Who I Am"
The gay community has institutionalized the that's-just-the-way-I-am attitude. I was born gay; I can't change; I don't care what you think about it, I don't care what disease I'm spreading or what changes are necessary in public morality to accommodate who I am. Homosexuality is characterized by immaturity, and so we often see many foot-stomping little children in gay pride parades; we hear them in may gay pronouncements.
Each of us must find a balance between self-acceptance and our need to change. Many gays go far to the extreme of self-acceptance with a total denial of their need to change. This approach, that feels so wonderful at first, too often leads to wasted and destroyed lives.
Many others have gone to the other extreme, rejecting so much about themselves that they border on self-hatred. They are so battered by self-rejection that they have little strength to change, or to not act out on their feelings.
Let me suggest three steps for achieving balance in this area.
First, identify those characteristics that have a significant negative impact: they lead to behavior that is morally offensive, they are not good for other people, or they are stifling what you want to happen in your life. It is important to sort them out and identify and work on only those that have the most significant negative consequences. Select just one; avoid the tendency to try and correct everything at once.
Second, recognizing that you will never change completely in this area, decide what is an acceptable behavior for you now. You may be led to grow much more in this area in the future, but for now, just look towards manageable change, and more importantly, identify specific behaviors that you are called to change despite this natural characteristic.
Finally, celebrate your differences where they have a good quality, and celebrate your unique combination of attributes.
We have a loving Father who accepts us just as we are, but one who at the same time calls us to further growth and maturity. We are not free men and women when we hide behind "who I am." We are called to a freedom that can only come as we are willing to grow and change.
