Tired of Struggling

[doofus125]

I have struggled with homosexuality since I was 14 years old.....I'm 25 now, that's 11 years of depression, anger, frustration, confustion, and being hurt. I've come to a point as a christian where I will be finding myself without accountability because my accountability partner is moving. I have a friend who is 500 miles away and a friend who lives 2 miles away.....they both know my struggle, but the one who lives the closest to me is still a little freaked out about it and the one that I can talk to is to far away to meet with and it's hard to get together on the phone. I have another friend, well now x-friend who I suspect has the same struggle as I do, but when questioned he denied it and the reason we are x-friends now is still a mystery to me because he left me a voicemail telling me he was "terminateing our friendship" without any explanation so I can only suspect he feared that he was going to give in or make a move that he would regret.

I'm so confused and hurt at this point that I am afraid to trust anyone. My relationship with God hasn't been there....I haven't been able to pray, read, or attend church mostly because of pride and past hurts that I just don't know how to let go of. I guess I'm posting here because I am at the end of my rope, I have no idea which direction to turn anymore and I can feel myself slipping back into a depression and this time I just don't know if I'm going to make it through it.

Dying inside,

Bill

 

[LynneClomina]

hi, doof...um, bill.

glad your thread got through!

i had similar struggles since i was about 8 until i was about 25 (i'm 30 now). i wont say i am never tempted, but the Lord has given me the strength to resist, and given me a yearning for "biblical womanhood" and all that entails.

i have a good friend who has serious struggles and we support each other quite a bit - but it's something that does indeed need to be tread upon carefully so as temptation doesnt come in. but i've only had her friendship for the last year or two, prior to that i was all on my own when it came to ppl understanding where you're coming from.

your reasoning behind your ex-friend teminating your friendship sounds about right, unfortunately. that is one reason it is seriously hard to find ppl to help you get through things. i think its important to find someone more of a mother/father figure (hopefully that's a GOOD relationship to the person... ) rather than a peer for that reason. and/or, someone who has been freed from it for a while and has a great deal of integrity and strength to resist possible temptations.

often a struggle seems to go on and on and we lose faith that God is going to do something; but He already is, we just can't see it yet. past hurts and pride are a hard thing to know how to let go of; on day, something will just click for you, and God will reveal it to you. it's our responsibility to just keep on seeking for God to bring that "click" - that He'll turn on the lightbulb that our soul needs to step out of its darkness... just keep talking to God, and to friends and ppl who can support you; hopefully this new forum will help provide that. dont worry about "praying right", just talk to Him. He is the best friend you have ever had, and He is with you all day every day, just waiting for you to talk to Him.... and listen to Him, too. when you catch yourself thinking to yourself - think to God instead. talk His ear off. pour it out on Him. He's waiting for you to.

i think one #1 thing to get into your heart, is this: if you are seeking to be pure, and be obedient to God, and leave this lifestyle, then you are by definition NOT a homosexual. you have temptations and weaknesses in that area, but you are chooseing to not live for yourself, you are living for God. and He didnt create you for sin; the moment you forsake that lifestyle in favor of God's way, you are no longer a willingly active homosexual seeking to justify their behaviour - you are a tempted child of God who can do all things through Christ - and that includes living a godly life. dont think you are trying to get OUT of it, you ARE out of it, and the enemy tries to pull you back. as a child of God, you no longer HAVE to live that way. God can and will give the strength needed to resist. you dont have to get yourself through the "door" to the other side of godly living; Christ has already brought you through the door, and made you a NEW CREATION. does it feel like it? very possilbly not. but it is TRUTH, ok? your responsibility is to keep seeking His face and resisting temptation. keep getting support and input from christians who can give it (not all can, sadly), and stay open, ie. don't isolate yourself. when you are struggling, tell ppl you are struggling. don't walk in shame. never did i feel so much freedom until AFTER i started being point blank honest with ppl about where i've come from. i dont tell every person i meet, but ppl who i have relationship with and can trust, i will not hide. if i feel fearful to share, i share anyways, i will not let fear isolate me again.

hoping to hear from you soon again, Bill.

Lynne

 

[mpshiel]

Doofus,

Get counselling, really! I am not trying to push you on way or another. But from what you are saying, you are too isolated and too close to all these issues to make a decision.

When I was going through the same things, I was desperate in both the need to keep silence and the need to "find a solution" - I had the idea that there was some magic thing I could do so I bounced into whatever strange idea came into my head - Maybe I'm not praying enough, so I will pray for 48 striaght hours; maybe I am not repentant enough, etc.

With a counsellor, you willl be able to slowly pull off the different feelings you have and examine them in a safe space allowing you to decide what YOU want to do as well as having someone who can accept the struggles you are going through without judging or looking down on you. I went to the university because they offered free counselling and I didn't want the church to know. The hardest thing was went the person filling out the form said, "And the nature of the counselling?" - and I squeeked out, "sexual." It even took a few sessions before I was convinced that the consellor wasn't judging me.

But seriously, it sounds like you really need a "safe space" in your life where you can work this through.

 

[Lee Fey]

I've had urges myself, though they've never been extremely strong. I can't help you so much get rid of those, and I'm not even sure that they will go away. But I do know that no matter what you're going through, God will pull you through it. I'm personally on the tail end (as far as I can tell) of one of the darkest times of my life. It started by my girlfriend, who've I had had a romantic relationship with for a year and a half, dumping me. With a couple of days of that, school was out for spring break and my parents had to work. And on top of that, I had my foot operated on, so I couldn't go anywhere. Alone, severly depressed, and bored, I had no where to go to but to God. And He opened His arms for me. About a month later, a good friend of mine from Church died of cancer. I have a feeling that without God, I would probably have gotten so depressed, I wouldn't have been coming back. But I do, and you can to, just go to Him. Pray for His presence in your life. May I suggest the book "The Jesus I Never Knew". It truly made Christ much more real for me in my time of need. It may do the same for you. God bless my friend, my brother in Christ.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Lynne, that was an absolutely AWESOME post.

Bill my friend, take her advice seriously and apply every word of it.

On top of that, I do encourage you to read the Bible eventhough you may not find God very much in it. Our journey with God is always coupled with faith. Believe as you read, and just do it whether you want to or not. I suggest getting the Message version of the Bible. It is written very plainly, and in new ways you never heard it before. I believe with my brothers and sisters here that there is hope in Christ. Never give up.

Love from Christ and his people!

 

[Polycarp1]

You know, I've been outspoken on how this Forum needs to find a way to help people in your boat, and you in particular, but I've never taken the time to write specifically for you, doofus. :o Please forgive that, and pray for me.

It occurs to me that probably the key point is that nothing you can feel, say, or do will take you beyond the reach of God's grace, and that's probably the most important thing you need to keep in mind.

Several years ago, I had occasion to have a dialogue with a Mormon boy who was not only gay, but also a paranoid schizophrenic (on medication, thank God!) and with a strong phobia against being with large numbers of people, so he couldn't even get support from his church.

I'd say first that you must realize, not only in your head but in your heart, that God loves you. You'll have seen the hundreds of threads about your sexuality and what people think that He thinks about it -- but your sexuality is not the whole of you. He made you; He loves you; He is working within you for your salvation and healing. He knows your sexual thoughts and feelings, and still loves you unconditionally and more greatly than anyone human can express.

And everything that happens, is part of His Plan. He made or allowed you to be gay -- why, is a question I don't have the answer to. But recognizing that this is the case, and that your task is to live out a moral life in service to Him, with your sexuality, is the first step towards dealing with your problem. If God loves you, and does not condemn you for what you cannot help, ought you not to love yourself and accept who you are?

Having done that, you must then seek to use every part of yourself, including your sexuality, to the glory of God. As a child, I was small, weak, un-athletic, and as a result ostracized by my classmates and playmates. But God allowed me to go through that in order to implant in me a desire to reach out and help those who feel outcast and rejected. Certainly you, struggling with your sexual desires, have a better handle on how other people in your boat might feel than almost anyone else on this board. A wise author once wrote of being "a wounded healer" -- one who finds in his pain and suffering the means to help others with similar pain and suffering. This may be your role in life.

There are a few people on this board who have been delivered from homosexuality -- kdet is one of the most outspoken of these, and if you have not discussed your circumstances privately with her, I strongly encourage it. Her public posts are often very polemic, but she is one of the sweetest people I know of on a one-on-one basis, and I have a strong feeling that she can be a great deal of help to you.

I will not get into the question of what is moral or immoral for you to do -- the Holy Spirit working within you will lead and guide you if you give Him room to do so. What I feel called to say is that you must not obsess over your particular temptation to sin, but rather find ways to glorify God in your own life, including using that particular burden you bear to His glory and your own healing. Because that healing is, bluntly, there for the asking. I cannot tell you in what way He will heal you of the burden you bear, but I am confident that in His own amazing way, He will work in your heart and soul to shape you into a glorious creature. And remember that He enabled you to feel gay tendencies for a reason, which only He knows, and it is for you to live out the purpose behind why He did so, being led by and trusting in the Holy Spirit.

And keep this in mind:
[bible]Romans 8:31-39[/bible]

Hateful people may reject you. But He never does. Be at peace in His love.

 

[doofus125]

I just wanted to say thank you for all of your encouragement and prayers. I haven't faced any of the issues in the past couple of weeks because I've submerged myself with work. I figure if I don't have time to worry about it then it's not a problem so I've been working double shifts and coming home and going straight to bed. At some point things may change, but at this point I'm very angry with God and want nothing to do with him and I have nothing to say to him. Yes, he has hurt me, yes he has deserted me, I don't care what the bible says because he has.

 

[doofus125]

Ok, so I went to church on sunday and I realized that people are the one's that have hurt me, yet I still don't have any desire to go to church or spend time with God. I don't want anything to do with anyone anymore, but what's wrong with me that I dont' care or want a relationship with God? I think it's because I'm tired of trying to live a bunch of rules that I don't want to live by. Any thoughts?

 

[Polycarp1]

"Footprints" -- if you know the story, you know just what I'm saying.

And I think you have it right on target -- being a Christian is not a matter of following rules, but of enjoying new and richer life in Christ. He knows and loves you, and is very well aware of how you feel. I'm not encouraging you to sin here, but try relaxing and not feeling the guilt from your sexuality for a bit, and letting His love percolate into your spirit -- and see if that changes your feelings towards Him.

 

[mpshiel]

Well, it sounds like you are working through your hurts which is good. I think recognizing the difference between the way God sees us and the way other people who want to tell us they represent God and how they see us are two very different things.

I still think it would be good for you to get some counselling over these issues. I would ask, how do you see God - as someone who is angry or despises you whenever you don't do what you are told? Or someone who is like a best friend, they may not like everything you do, but they like you and they like being around you?

 

[DaveKerwin]

I think you are testing whether this world can truely satisfy you. We both know it cannot. Life in Christ is not a cakewalk, it takes investing your time, emotions, etc. When you do not feel God, that is the time to open up to him even more, not retreat. Have your daily habits been geared towards finding God more, or separating yourself from him more?

 

[doofus125]

I think you are testing whether this world can truely satisfy you. We both know it cannot. Life in Christ is not a cakewalk, it takes investing your time, emotions, etc. When you do not feel God, that is the time to open up to him even more, not retreat. Have your daily habits been geared towards finding God more, or separating yourself from him more?

I'm not finding satisfaction in anything, even god. I've been hurt so bad in life that I hold back investing my emotions and have been hiding from him. To be honest, the sin is more fun, but I know it's wrong, yet I still do it . I have been seeing someone for the past couple of weeks also, but being with him (not sexually yet) is what I have been looking for. I want something real and I'm not finding that in Christ.....I know what I am doing is wrong to God, but I don't know where else to go.

 

[LynneClomina]

Doofus,

i remember you a few weeks ago having joy and faith in Jesus despite your struggles - you had hope for deliverance.... can you remember that?

a wise person once said to me,

"Do not forget in the darkness, what God has shown in the light".

though it's dark for you now, do not forget what He showed you when you were in the "light"..... His love for you, His forgiveness, His promise, that Christ in you is your hope of glory.....

 

[coolhaircam]

Sir but what you are doing is wrong, I have to say that point blank. You are sinning agasn't God who sent His Son down to die on the cross for you. And your turning your back on Him. I am not trying to bring you down but rather expose the honest truth. God never turned His back on you. Never once. You turned your back on God whether it was striked by emoitions or not and what your doing is wrong. You need to stop seeing that man and get right with God. Ask for forgivness and repent from what you are doing. Start attending a church again and straighten things up. You have turned away from God.

 

[doofus125]

Doofus,

i remember you a few weeks ago having joy and faith in Jesus despite your struggles - you had hope for deliverance.... can you remember that?

a wise person once said to me,

"Do not forget in the darkness, what God has shown in the light".

though it's dark for you now, do not forget what He showed you when you were in the "light"..... His love for you, His forgiveness, His promise, that Christ in you is your hope of glory.....

You are right....I've allowed the darkness to take over......

Sir but what you are doing is wrong, I have to say that point blank. You are sinning agasn't God who sent His Son down to die on the cross for you. And your turning your back on Him. I am not trying to bring you down but rather expose the honest truth. God never turned His back on you. Never once. You turned your back on God whether it was striked by emoitions or not and what your doing is wrong. You need to stop seeing that man and get right with God. Ask for forgivness and repent from what you are doing. Start attending a church again and straighten things up. You have turned away from God.

I broke off the relationship with him today after work. I started going back to church a couple weeks ago, but I just feel like quitting still. There is someone that I know that I am going to go talk to in the next couple of weeks. He's a year older than me, but he's been put in charge of our Young Adult Ministry since our Young Adult Pastor left last month.....but he's someone that I know I can trust and not feel intimidated by. Thank you for the PM you sent me, I will respond to it shortly...I've just been working alot and I'm working the next 10 days or so straight without a break so I'll be sleeping alot, but I will respond.

Bill

 

[Awake]

I know the struggle Bill is going through. My story is somewhat similar. My hope is that somehow, somewhere, someone will come up with something that will help Bill, myself, and/or others to find the answer.


For years now I have struggled with my sexuality. It started with a rather emotionally taxing end to a seemingly strong friendship. This led me to counseling. The counselor asked, for whatever reason, if my feelings for and attractions to my friend were sexual in nature. It may have been a perfectly innocent question, but that does not diminish the fact that words have significant meaning. This counselor asked, at the perfectly wrong time, a question that I was not emotionally prepared to address.



For a time, I tried to deal with my sexuality out of the presence of Christ. I was at a college with numerous atheistic professors who were more than eager to "logically" talk me out my faith. Then again, the gift of salvation was something I was taught but it wasn't all that real in my heart. To make a long story shorter, I did explore the questions of my sexuality. I was even able to reason that I was bisexual, and that I was just going through a phase. However, I could never shake the feeling that what I was doing was wrong for me. Eventually Christ found a way to call me back to Him, and provided the missing pieces of the puzzle to convince my heart and mind that the gift of salvation was real. In an instant, I felt like the weight of several worlds of sin was lifted from my shoulders.



Here is the kicker though. No matter what happens, I still find myself attracted to women (not the problem here) as well as guys. Even when I am on a date with a very attractive (physically and/or otherwise) woman, I inevitably wind up seeing some guy that is very attractive. I need not tell you the effect this has on a relationship with a woman. This has, over the years, also wrecked numerous friendships. My feelings tend to grow very strong for my friends, and I begin to care for them very strongly. My feelings for them combine with the knowledge that my feelings are (on some levels) wrong. I know I cannot express some levels of my feelings because I know they are wrong and not reciprocated. The knowledge of this combines with my frustration over not being able to control my desires, and the inner turmoil begins to multiply. Eventually, the joys of a friendship are overpowered by this inner turmoil and I then seem to find some way to end the friendship.



I have prayed for a solution to this. Many nights have found me sobbing myself to sleep praying for a change of heart, for a cessation to my attraction to guys. New residence, new job, new city, new anything else…you all know that approach is pointless. My pastors simply want to pray about it (which hasn't provided an answer in many years) and suggest counseling. I have sought counseling on this matter, but most counselors want to do 1 of 2 things. They either try to get me to embrace the fact that I am bisexual, or they try to take care of what they see as an unfounded and goofy faith in God. I don't know if I want to deal with another psychologist trying to turn me against my faith. I simply want a completely heterosexual lifestyle, and have always wanted it. I don’t want to be attracted to any guys. I just want to find the woman God has for me, get married, and have a family together. I mean, it is kinda God’s plan, humans were biologically and physically designed for that. That opens up a whole new can of worms though. Are my kids going to struggle with this? If so, I cannot bear the thought of bringing them into an existence with this struggle.



Doctors can treat the symptoms of depression with chemicals, but they cannot deal with the cause in my case. I have considered the notion that a cessation of life would mean a certain end to these feelings. Paul once said “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part, then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.” Death might even mean getting an answer to the question of why I have gone through this torturous ordeal daily. Maybe, once on the other side, I will be able to understand the question of why. My faith, at whatever roller coaster-like level it is, is the only thing that has kept me from putting a bullet through my brain long ago. Paul also mentions the thorn he bears, and that God tells him that His power is made perfect in weakness. Is this to say that I am not supposed to have any guy friends and be happy that God’s power is made perfect in this? Am I to only be friends with homely guys? I am supposed to hold my head up high and smile that I am unable to have a normal relationship as all of this inevitably seems to come crashing into the picture—is that it? Does this sound like God’s plan for a life?



Am I being too petty about my problems? I am strong enough in my faith to dismiss the goofy notion that I am not praying enough, not doing enough good works, or don't have enough faith.

 

[KidDitto]

When we were in California there was a group to help but I cannot find it. I had a friend who was ready to go over the cliff over all of this stuff. I had heard of a group out ofSan Francisco and it helped him. I have since lost contact with him so I cannot get the name that way.

I did find this web site and I hope it can help

Clean Heart Ministries (http://www.cleanheart.org/) - A recovery ministry for those with sexual addictions of all sorts including homosexuality. Includes support groups. Based in Charlotte.

 

[doofus125]

Awake,

I have found that I can't be close to anyone either because the feelings always turn stronger and into very sexuall desires. I was lucky enough that the one close friend I do have was someone that was willing to sit down and talk about it. There is still attraction to him to some degree, but I am very open with him about it when there is a situation that bothers me and we talk about it and talking about it helps enough that I am able to put the situation in the past and forget about it and not worry about it. This past january I saw my friend naked and I stared and there were feelings. We talked, I appoligized, and life went on. I just wish I could get to the point where I wasn't attracted physically to him because his friendship is very special to me.

A couple months ago I became friends with a guy from church and I suspect he struggles with the same thing as I do because everytime we were out and I'd go to the bathroom he would follow me and "stare" at me while at the urinal. Well, one thing led to another and we came very close to kissing one night and a few days later he broke off our friendship. I look back at this and question.....could God have been trying to use me to Help this guy deal with his struggle and I totally messed it up by falling into it? Anyways, I'm starting to babble, so I'm going to bed.

 

[doofus125]

Just an update and prayer request. I messed up bad last saturday, the first time in a long time and I'm just really messed up and hurting.

 

[justreading]

Hello Bill, I have been coming to chrisitanforums for several months now
and have never replied b/c I am not ready to be active yet...soon I
will. After reading your post, which I read several months ago I must
admit, I was moved and lead to post something for you ASAP! And I feel
horrible that I didn't before but that is neither here or now...although
I am wrong for not having given you these sites and or given you some
encouragement which is what I hope you get from my story. I pray my
struggles will help you in yours.

I have been struggling with being gay since I was 14 yrs old. It is
ALWAYS there but sometimes it gets better but none the less it is ALWAYS
there! I have almost killed myself several times many years ago b/c I
was sooooooo ashamed b/c I DID NOT WANT THESE FEELINGS! I can't give you
my life story but basically I have come close to acting on my feelings
several times but never have THANK GOD! Long story short the only thing
that got me through it was therapy, more specifically a CHRISTIAN
THERAPIST, I say again a CHRISTIAN THERAPIST who helped me through my
last near suicide attempt. Being a gay male, the VERY OVERSIMPLIFIED
explination, happens b/c we can't relate to men other than in a sexual
manner namely b/c we never were taught how to. My story is very
complicated but basically I made the effort to forgive my father for
leaving our family and we now talk. I just got back from visiting him in
another state. Our relationship is really good considering that I wanted
to beat his $#%$ not long ago. We still have A LONG LONG way to go until
we are "normal father and son" but it is a start. My dad wasn't there
for me at all (not even talking to me) when I was growing up and my
stepdad is worthless...an alcoholic who acts like a child and is
abusive, physically and definitely emotionally! Ok Bill, here's how it
works (at least for me)...YOU and I mean YOU have to find a CHRISTIAN
counselor who deals with homosexuality and doesn't think "it's OK to
just be gay and accept yourself" which by the way is the most ridiculous
thing to tell a struggling chrisitan male!!! YOU will have to work on
your father issues, even if you were the one that was wronged....it
sucks but that's the way it works. Believe me God will be there the
whole time...hardly ever emotionally but he will help guide you. YOU
will also have to continually strive to have "real" friendships with
women who you "think" you might be attracted to b/c a good friend that
is a girl could possibly be someone who you will eventually want to be
around for the rest of your life....but more importantly she WILL HAVE
TO KNOW your struggles and be ready to be uncomfortable when you tell
her how you are having a "bad day with your insecurities"....at least
that's what I tell my girlfriend (future wife) when I am struggling a
lot. The good days will come my friend but there will ALWAYS be bad
days! The thing is, you must FIGHT to win over your natural desires.
Heck if we all gave into our "natural desires" then life would be very
very difficult for all of us. Ok, I've rambled enough. I just pray that
my story has helped you...and PLEASE PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER JESUS IS
THERE FOR YOU SO CRY TO HIM AND YELL AT HIM B/C NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO HE
WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU!!!! On the same token, if you make a
decision to act out your homosexual feelings it will make it hard for
you to see how much JESUS loves you b/c the evil one will be in more
control. Here's a saying that I have ran through my head over and over
again through the years...literally for hours on end when I was at my
worst points. "The light of God surrounds me, the Love of God enfolds
me, the Presence of God watches over me, wherever I am God is there!"

Gotta get back to work but here are some ministries that can help. Oh
almost forgot call focus on the family for a male christian counselor in
your area...go with a Ph.D for sure and male! Here's some other
ministries to help you:

FOR SOME CRAZY REASON I CAN'T POST THE LINK TO THE WEBSITE BUT IT IS DESERT STREAMS...you can google it under desert streams ministry. They have several programs.

GOD BLESS YOU BROTHER AND PLEASE STAY THE RIGHTEOUS COURSE B/C IT IS
WORTH IT!!!!


Fellow struggling believer