This (non)conversation with my husband:

[mkgal1]

I really am not trying to harp or complain. I would like to get the issue resolved. I would talk to him directly, but that's exactly the problem. I can't. He doesn't listen, and/or doesn't get it. So, I have to get ideas for a solution from somewhere else.

You're not "harping".....sometimes you just need the perspective from others. Isn't that just what forums are about?

To me.....it really seems that you're making a lot of effort to work around his quirks (like knowing his routines....knowing he will only hear you if he's not busy with something else....and being patient with him). I also understand how frustrating it can be when you're a solution-based person and when the solution is basically in the hands of another person. I don't know how to go about getting the solution you need.....but I do feel for you (((hugs))).

I DO think that having a support (even if it's just here)---and being able to write out your thoughts (especially since you aren't being heard at home)...and helpful.

Most of the time things are good between us, but when these things happen, oh boy do they happen, and it hurts me. A lot.

Of course. You have compassion---and it's not asking too much to be treated with compassion.

But I hate being treated like this. I have worked hard in therapy trying to build up enough self-esteem to feel like I'm worth being listened to and taken seriously. Then things like this happen. I can't get him to understand. Does anybody know a way I can try explaining it?

I wish I *did* know how you could get him to understand. Unfortunately--though---I think it all comes down to him being self-motivated to understand and to make self adjustments.

 

[mkgal1]

It would be awesome if your husband was in your corner, and there for you, loving you like Christ loves the church, nurturing you, showing compassion not judgment or shame when you are depressed - but I DON'T think husbands are capable of this.

To the degree that Christ loves the church? Probably not.....but they are most certainly capable of being compassionate and kind (and not putting a person down for being depressed). Please let's not lower the bar as to what's acceptable behavior that we can expect from a spouse. What's the purpose for vows then? (That's a rhetorical question. I don't wish to derail the thread).

 

[akmom]

But I hate being treated like this. I have worked hard in therapy trying to build up enough self-esteem to feel like I'm worth being listened to and taken seriously. Then things like this happen. I can't get him to understand. Does anybody know a way I can try explaining it?

"Oh shut up and give me the chair!" [snatch chair]

I don't know that it's great advice, but sometimes enough is enough. You can't always be brusque, but sometimes if you're not getting through to a person, I think you can be. After all, no matter how gently you walk on eggshells, they will still break. Trample them and get it over with.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

My psychologist visit was today. My daughter went with me for support. (She lives with us and knows exactly what the deal is.) Consensus among all of us is that my husband is not intentionally being a jerk, but it comes off like that. He's not abusing me, even though it does hurt. The difference between him and an abuser is that once he finally does understand that something hurts me, he stops doing it. Abusers, on the other hand, keep on doing what they know is hurtful, because being hurtful is exactly what they're setting out to do.

One thing that came up is, before we met, he spent fifteen years married to a woman who apparently wasn't the brightest star in the sky. She very well would have been yammering at him while he was trying to get something accomplished, asking a bunch of unrelated questions and chattering about unrelated topics, distracting him from what he was trying to do. (And she didn't actually pitch in to help him get it done, either.) It could be that the minute I open my mouth, he's conditioned to bristle because he thinks I'm doing it too. It's the situation he's accustomed to. He hasn't caught on yet that he and I are a team, and I'm trying to work *with* him. He's used to having to fight to keep his focus. I've been married to him for eight years, compared to her fifteen. There are some ways he has come to realize that I am different, but at first he expected my behavior to be much the same as hers. He thought he had to tell me what household chores need to be done today, that sort of thing. Gradually he realized I don't need to be told, just because she did.

He does listen to our pastor, so I'm thinking of setting up a time to meet with him.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

To the degree that Christ loves the church? Probably not.....but they are most certainly capable of being compassionate and kind (and not putting a person down for being depressed). Please let's not lower the bar as to what's acceptable behavior that we can expect from a spouse. What's the purpose for vows then? (That's a rhetorical question. I don't wish to derail the thread).

yes, please forgive mkgal and OP. I was having a really bad husband day when I posted that