theology related jokes

[ebia]

Three pastors were sitting around talking about a problem they all shared with bats in their belfry's.

The first pastor sighed, "I went up there with a can of spray and only managed to fumigate myself".

The second pastor said, "I went up there with a shotgun and only succeeded in blasting a hole in the side of the building."

The third pastor said, "I went up there and baptized them and I haven't seen them since!"

In Anglican circles the last one is usually confirm.

 

[tadoflamb]

In Anglican circles the last one is usually confirm.

I know, I modified it for my audience.

 

[metherion]

So an life-long atheist is on a safari, and has his hunting rifle pointed in front of him, when he hears a noise from behind.

Spinning, he sees a male lion in mid-leap just about to pounce on him. He gets his gun around in time, and it jams, leaving him less than a second before he gets mauled and eaten.

He shouts, "OH MY GOD!"

Suddenly, time stops. He sees a blindingly bright figure approaching him. It speaks, and say,

"I AM THE CHRISTIAN GOD YOU HAVE DISPARAGED YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. YET EVEN NOW I COME TO YOU WHEN YOU CALL. WHAT DO YOU SEEK?"

The man is completely flabbergasted, and just stammers,"Th-this CAN'T be real. I'm... I... I must be hallucinating. This isn't happening. You're not real. I don't believe in you! But if you are... are real... make this lion a believer so it won't kill me!"

The Lord replies,"SO SHALL IT BE."

Time unstops, and the lion stops mid-pounce. It backs off a step or two. And as the atheist wipes his brow in relief, he sees the lion put its front two paws together and start to growl.

And he understood it. It was growling, "Bless us O Lord, and these they gifts..."

Metherion

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

Originally Posted by ebia In Anglican circles the last one is usually confirm.

I know, I modified it for my audience.

Pretty slick there bro

 

[bugkiller]

A strong young man at the construction site was always bragging that he could out do any man on site in a feat of strength. He made a special case of one particular older man. After a while the older man had enough.

Why don't you put yyou money where your mouth is? he said, I bet you a weeks wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that shed that you won't be ableto wheel back.

You're on old man, the braggart replied. Lets see what you got.

The old man grabbed the handles of a wheelbarrow and said all right get in.

I wonder how many of us have the attitude of the braggart and not the old man?

bugkiller

 

[98cwitr]

A priest, a rabbi, and a Baptist walk into a bar.....who buys the first drink?

 

[98cwitr]

lulz

 

[bugkiller]

A pastor was having considerable problems with members of his church and applied for a chapliancy with the corrections department. He was approved and was to begin serving there.

There was a great rejoicing thoughtout the church an many that hadn't attended in years even came to hear his departing sermon in celebration of the fact he was leaving.

His Scripture text was John 14:2b I go to prepare a place for you.

bugkiller

 

[Mr Dave]

Apparently they've recently released a new low-fat communion wafer.
It's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"


(Thanks to Vicar of Dibley for that)

 

[PilgrimToChrist]

I just posted this on another thread, so I shall post it here:

A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are discussing tithing. They draw a circle in chalk on the pavement below them.

The Catholic says: "We should take the money and throw it in the air, and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to God."

The Protestant says: "No, we should throw it in the air and whatever lands outside the circle we give to God."

The Jew says: "No, we throw it in the air; whatever God wants, He keeps!"

(it was also done on Short-Circuit)

 

[from scratch]

Some neat ones in here. I'll have to look fior one.

 

[Chesterton]

Once in California there was a very good man, always practicing good deeds. God noticed these good deeds and spoke to the man one day. God said "Because you've tried so hard to be good, I'd like to reward you. Name anything at all I and will do it for you."

The man said "All my life I've wanted to visit Hawaii. But I get badly seasick and airsick, so I can't ride on a boat or plane. Would you make a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there?"

God said "You know, that's a really tall order. I mean, sure I can do it, but think of the resources it would use; thousands of miles of concrete and steel, and the pillars to the bottom of the sea, and lighting and maintenance and all. Besides, I was hoping you might ask for something less materialistic, you know, something a little more of a spiritual nature."

The man pondered a bit, and said "I wish I could understand women. How women think; what makes them happy, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing's wrong', what they want from men. I want to be able to understand women."

God paused for a second, then said "How many lanes you want on that bridge?"

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

Apparently they've recently released a new low-fat communion wafer.
It's called "I can't believe it's not Jesus"


(Thanks to Vicar of Dibley for that)

 

[christianmomof3]

A little kid came through my neighborhood with a wagon full of kittens with a sign which read 'Lutheran kittens for sale'. I looked in the wagon and sure enough there was a fine looking batch of very young kittens.
The very next week I saw the same kid with the same wagon but this time the sign read, "Catholic Kittens". I looked in the wagon and there were the very same kittens as had been there the week prior.
"I thought they were Lutheran kittens", I said to the child.
"Oh, last week they were" the child replied, but since then they've had their eyes opened.

It is a good thing they did not try to make Baptists out of the poor little kittens.





Kittens do not like getting dunked in water.

 

[JimfromOhio]

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost." God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this, let's say we have a man making contest." To which the scientist replied, "OK, great!" But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam." The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt. God just looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

 

[heymikey80]

A guy comes rushing up to a pastor, "I've got some great news and some not so great news, pastor!"

"Mkay, let's hear the great news."

"Jesus Christ has come back!"

The pastor exclaimed, "Why, that's wonderful news! What could be not so great about that?"

"He's come back to Jackson County, Missouri."

 

[heymikey80]

Repeated a few times.

A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon
down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and
stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are
you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"

 

[heymikey80]

A group of theologians were arguing over predestination and free will. Things became so heated that the group broke up into two opposing groups, who gathered on either side of the hall.

One man was late. So first he walked over to the predestinarian group.

"Who sent you here?" they asked.

"No one sent me," he replied. "I came of my own free will."

"Free will!" they exclaimed. "You can't join us! You belong with the other group!"

So he walked over to the other clique. There they asked, "Why did you decide to join us?"

The young man replied, "Well, I didn't really decide -- I was sent."

 

[heymikey80]

I love this joke:

CATHOLIC HORSES

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.

The priest smiled wisely and with sympathy. 'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

 

[shinbits]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo-Irish accords - the crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry - both being heads of churches and all.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Gradually, the cheering subsides. [/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen,"Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice - they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants. [/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me." So the Pope slapped her[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif].[/FONT]