theology related jokes

[bugkiller]

You got one? Here is one of mine to start off with.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said ”Stop! Don’t do it!”
“And why shouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Well there is so much to live for,” I answered.
“Like what?“
“Well… are you religious?”
“He said “yes.”
I said, “Me too! Are you a Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or protestant?”
“Protestant.” Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?“
“Baptist.” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God, or Baptist Church of the Lord?“
“Reformed Baptist Church of God!”
“Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?”
He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!”
I said, “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.

bugkiller

 

[cyberlizard]

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

Beware the circumcision!

A RC Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi...
...all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle...we dunk! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's holy word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi, you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers"

NKJV) Hosea 13:8 I will meet them like a bear deprived [of her cubs;] I will tear open their rib cage,
And there I will devour them like a lion. The wild beast shall tear them.

..........

.

 

[Tangible]

I chuckled.

 

[Eucharisted]

He lifted the bread into the air just when one of His disciples burst into the room.

"I'm sorry I'm late!" the disciple apologized, "But thanks be to God I made it in time."

Then he received, with the others, pieces of the bread, and they gave thanks.

"Praise be to God for this wondrous bread," the late disciple said, "Which symbolizes Jesus Christ!"

"...Jesus?" said He, "I am Brian."

In the Upper Room, Jesus lifted the bread into the air just when one of His disciples burst into the Upper Room.

"I'm sorry I'm late!" the disciple apologized, "But thanks be to God I made it in time."

Then he received, with the others, pieces of the bread, and they gave thanks.

"Praise be to God for this wondrous bread," the late disciple said, "Which symbolizes Jesus Christ!"

"...Symbolizes?" said He, "I think you're in the wrong room. You want Brian."

 

[ebia]

A man comes running through the railway carriage. "Is there a priest on the train?" calls out, "I'm looking for a Catholic Priest". A few minutes later he comes running back the other way "Is there a vicar on the train - an Anglican vicar?". A few minutes he comes running through again "How about a Rabbi". A man gets up. "Excuse me", he says, "I'm a Methodist minister - can I help?" "I don't think so mate, I'm looking for a corkscrew".

 

[Mathetes the kerux]

A little boy comes to his pastor and says "How did God make Eve?"

the pastor responded "well son he put adam to sleep and took a rib from adams side and made it into a woman"

Little boy "Oh ok!"

later the pastor looks out the window and sees the little boy running around till he stops grabbing his side from an obvious cramp and the little boy says this:

"Oh . . . oh . . . I think Im gonna have a wife!"

 

[tadoflamb]

A little kid came through my neighborhood with a wagon full of kittens with a sign which read 'Lutheran kittens for sale'. I looked in the wagon and sure enough there was a fine looking batch of very young kittens.

The very next week I saw the same kid with the same wagon but this time the sign read, "Catholic Kittens". I looked in the wagon and there were the very same kittens as had been there the week prior.

"I thought they were Lutheran kittens", I said to the child.

"Oh, last week they were" the child replied, but since then they've had their eyes opened.










I'll be here all week.

 

[Rose_bud]

Lol!!!

 

[Mr Dave]

A Catholic priest, an Anglican Vicar and a Methodist Minister were having an ecumenical meeting and were discussing the state of each of their congregations.
With a big grin the Priest tells the other two that in the last month he'd received 3 new members.
"That's great news!" the other two reply.
The Vicar continues, "although I'm afraid to say that I've been doing even better, in the last month, my congregation's received 5 new members!"
"Really, that's absolutely brilliant news," reply the Priest and the Minister.
The Methodist Minister continues speaking, "I don't want to take anything away from the fantastic news that you've both got, but I've got some even better news, in the last month I've managed to get rid of my 8 most difficult members!"

 

[brinny]

Beware the circumcision!

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi...
...all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle...we dunk! I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's holy word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi, you fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers.

ROFLOL!!!

 

[tadoflamb]

Three pastors were sitting around talking about a problem they all shared with bats in their belfry's.

The first pastor sighed, "I went up there with a can of spray and only managed to fumigate myself".

The second pastor said, "I went up there with a shotgun and only succeeded in blasting a hole in the side of the building."

The third pastor said, "I went up there and baptized them and I haven't seen them since!"

 

[bugkiller]

Three pastors were sitting around talking about a problem they all shared with bats in their belfry's.

The first pastor sighed, "I went up there with a can of spray and only managed to fumigate myself".

The second pastor said, "I went up there with a shotgun and only succeeded in blasting a hole in the side of the building."

The third pastor said, "I went up there and baptized them and I haven't seen them since!"

If you only knew what came to mid with the first line. I was thinking all from the same denomination. I have seen the last line happen as well.

bugkiller

 

[bugkiller]

A little kid came through my neighborhood with a wagon full of kittens with a sign which read 'Lutheran kittens for sale'. I looked in the wagon and sure enough there was a fine looking batch of very young kittens.

The very next week I saw the same kid with the same wagon but this time the sign read, "Catholic Kittens". I looked in the wagon and there were the very same kittens as had been there the week prior.

"I thought they were Lutheran kittens", I said to the child.

"Oh, last week they were" the child replied, but since then they've had their eyes opened.

I'll be here all week.

ain't that true? One of my former pastors said people change churches as often as they change underwear. How come a church can't seem to keep new folks?

bugkiller

 

[Chesterton]

A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned.
The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?" The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."

 

[bugkiller]

A little kid came through my neighborhood with a wagon full of kittens with a sign which read 'Lutheran kittens for sale'. I looked in the wagon and sure enough there was a fine looking batch of very young kittens.

The very next week I saw the same kid with the same wagon but this time the sign read, "Catholic Kittens". I looked in the wagon and there were the very same kittens as had been there the week prior.

"I thought they were Lutheran kittens", I said to the child.

"Oh, last week they were" the child replied, but since then they've had their eyes opened.

I'll be here all week.

Good message there. Wish some folks would open their eyes. I think there would be some church swapping going on.

bugkiller

 

[LittleLambofJesus]

ain't that true? One of my former pastors said people change churches as often as they change underwear. How come a church can't seem to keep new folks?

bugkiller

I know what ya mean bro

Daniel 12:4 And thou Daniye'l, stop-up! the words and seal! the Scroll till time of end.
They shall go to and fro, many ones, and the knowledge/01847 da`ath shall abound.

 

[Chesterton]

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims,
"You brought pavement?!!!"

 

[tadoflamb]

A rural farmer once went to the local Catholic church to see if they might bury his dog which had just died.

"Of course not!", the resident priest snapped rudely. "But why don't you go ask the Episcopaleans, I hear they do such things", he snidely added.

"That's a good idea", mused the farmer. "I was going to offer a $500 stipend, do you think that's enough?"

To which the priest replied:



"Why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic?"


Ba-da-bing!

 

[metherion]

So a priest, a rabbi, three nuns, an Episcopalian, two Methodist ministers, and a Wiccan walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What, is this supposed to be some sort of joke?"

Metherion