The Newbie

[LadyOfMystery]

I can't stand being the new person. Online or offline. In churches, at social gatherings, or heaven forbid even a new forum or chat room. It's the worst feeling for me because I feel left out of conversations or I don't feel like I have enough power to jump into conversations (like now for example I'll get between any conversation going on without a blink of an eye ).

Anyone else hate being the newbie? Why/why not? What do you dislike or like about it?

If you dislike it, what makes you get over the hump of being a newbie?

 

[Verve]

I don't enjoy it in places that are very tight knit. Most places it isn't too bad.
Those tight knit places are tight for a reason. It's sometimes a good sign that a community is wary about who they let come close. Once you've become an established member of the community it's not usually too hard to make a couple of close friends. Just be friendly, patient, and observant. Not that it's easy to do this, but it has worked ok for me in certain situations.

 

[Amber.ly]

I don't mind it.

Like here, I joined and started posting like mad. I knew that was the only way for people to get to know me or take notice of me. The volume of your posts is in direct correlation with how known and loved you are

IRL, I tend to be a bit less of a social butterfly but I've never had issues with striking up a conversation with anyone. I think my mother was the cause of my lack of shyness. She never met a stranger and I tend to be the same way, it doesn't bother me that you don't know me, in 5 seconds, after I ask you if you prefer PBJ or ham sandwiches, you can't claim to be a stranger LOL

Now, that is not to say that I am liked by everyone I meet. I have a 50/50 success rate with new people enjoying my company, I'm an acquired taste

I tend to believe that the key to meeting new people or being the new person is pushing aside the fear of someone rejecting you and making the effort yourself. Don't sit around and wait to be noticed, make the first move.

 

[LadyOfMystery]

I am like you, Amber, Im not a total social butterfly but I have no issues making conversations with people.

I'm different though I choose my moments whether I want to be the first to make a friend or if I want them to just come to me. I size whether the people look shy, or do they even look like the kind of people I'd get along with? So on and so forth. And yes with that last statement - I do sometimes judge a book by it's cover, but hey I what type of clothes you wear or what you look like doesn't make you a certain thing but your personality does. If I see people who obviously look like people who are laughing at someone else, or always gossiping when theres a bunch of people at the table - I know they're not my cup of tea. But if I see a few girls who hug each other when they arrive, sit down and start talking about something like a book, or a tv show and not "did you see what lydia had on at that party last night??" then I know I may fit in with them.


So it's sometimes a good thing to be a newbie - things to learn about other people, the environment you're in, etc. Also when you're a newbie, not only are you a newbie but the regulars at wherever you're at are a newbie to you and maybe thats why some are shy.

 

[LadyOfMystery]

When I started posting here I immediately felt welcome and a regular, so I had no issues jumping right into conversations. Now it took me a bit to start actually making threads because I thought well I enjoy giving my opinion but I'd hate for my thread to flop. lol

 

[Starnchrist]

I can't stand being the new person. Online or offline. In churches, at social gatherings, or heaven forbid even a new forum or chat room. It's the worst feeling for me because I feel left out of conversations or I don't feel like I have enough power to jump into conversations (like now for example I'll get between any conversation going on without a blink of an eye ).

Anyone else hate being the newbie? Why/why not? What do you dislike or like about it?

If you dislike it, what makes you get over the hump of being a newbie?

It sucks to be the newbie in the beggining because no one knows you and they are still trying to get a feel of you. Some people are very welcoming to newbies and that helps. But then again the newbie has to keep posting and putting in some infor or reaction to other posts. Thats how they we go from Newbie to poster. I don't know... i still think I can be a newbie at times. some people know me and some don't. Then again a huge drawing of me giving my boss a wedgie does stand out.

 

[Andrew12]

I very often am "the new guy" at churches when I visit, and when I have appointments to preach. It was unsettling at first, but I have adapted well.

 

[LadyOfMystery]

It sucks to be the newbie in the beggining because no one knows you and they are still trying to get a feel of you. Some people are very welcoming to newbies and that helps. But then again the newbie has to keep posting and putting in some infor or reaction to other posts. Thats how they we go from Newbie to poster. I don't know... i still think I can be a newbie at times. some people know me and some don't. Then again a huge drawing of me giving my boss a wedgie does stand out.

lol I think you've done quite well adjusting from newbie to regular member. Hey I've been here since '07 and when I did the CF Awards I found out that there were some people who actually knew me who I thought didn't even know i had ever joined CF! lol It was an eyeopener to see that people do see you, like you, and think you're this and that but you've never really talked to them.

 

[Rose of Eden]

I HAAAAAAAAAAATE being the newbie! Anywhere! With a PASSION!!!

I hate repeating the answers to the same 5 or 6 questions over and over (and over). I hate the stares I get from the regulars. I hate the judgmental looks they sometimes give me when they ask "So whyyyy did you join anyway??" I hate how I can't really join in on any discussion unless it's a discussion about myself, so in order to not look mute I'm forced to recite monologues about my life. I hate standing and walking around awkwardly and nervously because there's no place I can go and no small group I can talk to. I hate being ignored when I do try to join in on conversations. I hate how it takes me so much longer than most people to go from "newbie" to "accepted member." I hate the magnification of my insecurities. I hate the accompanying feeling of loneliness. And I especially hate it when more newbies join who are even newer than me, and two days later, they're suddenly BFFs with everyone.



/end rant



*BIG SIGH*

I've always hated being the newbie and lately, with graduating college and moving back home and all, I've been the newbie in a lot of places in my life. And I'm still a newbie here too. I feel as though I have an especially difficult time making the transition from a newbie to a regular, both online and IRL. Those few extraordinarily kind, social, and welcoming members make it easier (and less nerve-wrecking) for me. Getting involved in group events and activities helps a lot. But I find that what helps me the most is to try to get out of my own head. It's very difficult, but when I try to stop thinking about me (what I should do, what I should say, what I shouldn't do and shouldn't say, if I look like an idiot, what people must be thinking about me, etc.) and focus entirely on the other people I'm meeting and talking to, it helps me relax a little. I can feel a little more comfortable, be a little more talkative, and maybe make that transition a little quicker and easier.

 

[Inkachu]

I don't mind being the new person unless it's a specifically social situation where I'm expected to "chit-chat" or act like a "typical girl". This is why I don't attend Ladies Bible Studies and such. Because in addition to any Bible-studying going on, I'm sure I'm going to hear about husbands, kids, food, clothes, makeup, and other nonsense I care little about. I'd rather be in a men's Bible study, frankly.

I feel like the oddball-out in almost every situation. I'm used to it. Other people want to talk about sports and Facebook and politics and fine dining. I want to talk about literature, history, and science. Good luck with that, Vick. Yup. I'll just watch the History Channel alone, thanks.

So I'm not afraid to be a newbie. I just expect and assume that I'll have little to nothing in common with the people around me (and I'm always right).

 

[Allen1901]

I don't mind being the new guy either.
I make small talk for a living, so it's no big deal.

 

[Reneemo4]

Soooooo...coming from the newbie (cause I still am one, lol!)...I don't mind it, and I just jumped in with both feet to a degree. I won't let anyones opinion of me affect how I feel about myself any longer. I have had so many issues with insecurities all my life that I just absolutely REFUSE to let them affect my life anymore. It just doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's about me and the Lord. That's it.

I like posting here, I like reading here, and those that are meant to become a bigger part of my life will get there. Intimacy (in any relationship) takes time and I am willing to be patient. I know there are people out there who can be good for me, and interest me, and befriend me.

Vicky, I feel your pain. Sometimes I feel so 'different'. I am not one of those type ladies, and sometimes the conversations bore me to tears. I don't have many IRL friends, and it's because, honestly, I don't let people in that often. I have high sensitivity issues, and while I've learned not to take things personally, it's because I keep people at a very shallow level of friendship. That way my expectations are always met!! I am also a quick thinker, so when people drag conversations out, or take 10 minutes to tell a 2 minute story it makes me NUTS!!

Oh, ETA, I SUCK at small talk!!! LOL!

 

[Inkachu]

Vicky, I feel your pain. Sometimes I feel so 'different'. I am not one of those type ladies, and sometimes the conversations bore me to tears. I don't have many IRL friends, and it's because, honestly, I don't let people in that often. I have high sensitivity issues, and while I've learned not to take things personally, it's because I keep people at a very shallow level of friendship. That way my expectations are always met!! I am also a quick thinker, so when people drag conversations out, or take 10 minutes to tell a 2 minute story it makes me NUTS!!

Yes, we do have a lot in common I can't stand typical "lady talk" (I mean, God bless em, they can yap all they want, it's just not for ME). And people who run on and on and on...and on...over something that should take 30 seconds to say...ughhh.

I don't have any IRL friends, either, not because I isolate myself or dislike people; I just don't easily connect with others. It's easy for me to like people, and even love people (like my theater peeps, I adore them), but still no real, true, heart-to-heart friends. I hate that And it's even more frustrating that I see some people here on CF that I totally believe would make a great bosom pal, but they're just nowhere near me

 

[Dzhessika]

I don't like being a newbie at all infact I think I am still struggling with it at my church like I mentioned to a few of you last night its very hard for me to fit in and open up to new people I am just so afraid they'll judge me like they did when I was younger or people will find what I say dumb I just tense up so bad when I have to go into new situation that i've never been in before , I need to overcome that some how some way .Even on here i've put walls up and barely opened up to people but skype I think has helped a little .

 

[Rose of Eden]

I don't like being a newbie at all infact I think I am still struggling with it at my church like I mentioned to a few of you last night its very hard for me to fit in and open up to new people I am just so afraid they'll judge me like they did when I was younger or people will find what I say dumb I just tense up so bad when I have to go into new situation that i've never been in before , I need to overcome that some how some way .Even on here i've put walls up and barely opened up to people but skype I think has helped a little .

Awww, Jess!!

I feel the same way! And I have to admit that my couple of times on skype has helped me a little too. I'm glad to know that it's helping you too!

 

[LadyOfMystery]

Skype has also helped me. And Im glad it has worked somewhat for y'all!

Sadly I feel the most disconnected with people at churches when I'm the new person. Oh they pay attention to you for a day or two, and then they go back to their crowd and act as if you never existed.

 

[Reneemo4]

Yes, we do have a lot in common I can't stand typical "lady talk" (I mean, God bless em, they can yap all they want, it's just not for ME). And people who run on and on and on...and on...over something that should take 30 seconds to say...ughhh.

I don't have any IRL friends, either, not because I isolate myself or dislike people; I just don't easily connect with others. It's easy for me to like people, and even love people (like my theater peeps, I adore them), but still no real, true, heart-to-heart friends. I hate that And it's even more frustrating that I see some people here on CF that I totally believe would make a great bosom pal, but they're just nowhere near me

Ditto!! I don't have those heart-to-heart friends either. My sister is my best friend, and only because we're so alike. I don't want to be shallow with everyone, but no one has gotten past that point, outside of her. I had a girlfriend from my church who seemed to want to try and create that kind of friendship, but then totally flaked on me over a guy (who was absolutely no good for her), and every time I tried to talk to her about something she would lecture me for an hour about how it was all my fault that these things were happening. Or whenever we would talk she would yak about herself and this boy for an hour, and making only the polite 'and how are you guys doing?' to satisfy her end of the friendship. Really?? That's as much as you want from me? A sounding board? This is the same friend that I was there for when she and he broke up the first time, helped her with free babysitting, and helped her move and paint and let her sit at my table for hours and cry and cry. Helped her move on from him, and let her rant and rave, etc. Didn't let her be alone, was so there for her! So I let her go. When she found out about my kids surgeries (on facebook no less) she wrote me on facebook to say 'if you need anything...', and then texted me two days before saying she would pray. I haven't heard from her since, no asking how they are, no phone calls, nothing. It hurts me to feel so unimportant, and for my kids to be so unimportant. So I don't like to set myself up for stuff like that.

Wow, end rant. LOL! But that's a good example...

 

[Reneemo4]

I don't like being a newbie at all infact I think I am still struggling with it at my church like I mentioned to a few of you last night its very hard for me to fit in and open up to new people I am just so afraid they'll judge me like they did when I was younger or people will find what I say dumb I just tense up so bad when I have to go into new situation that i've never been in before , I need to overcome that some how some way .Even on here i've put walls up and barely opened up to people but skype I think has helped a little .

Jess - aside from the fact that I am loving your pugs - from a distance!! LOL! - I know what this feels like. But know that at least one person (ME!!) is not judging you! I've done WAAAAY too much in my lifetime to ever, ever judge anyone else for who they are. I've managed to get over my insecurities by putting it to prayer and always having reminders everywhere in my home about God's perfect love. That's all that matters, and it makes us all the same!!

 

[Reneemo4]

Awww, Jess!!

I feel the same way! And I have to admit that my couple of times on skype has helped me a little too. I'm glad to know that it's helping you too!

I really enjoyed the Skype chat the couple times I went too...I'm hoping to be there tonight!!

 

[Reneemo4]

Sadly I feel the most disconnected with people at churches when I'm the new person. Oh they pay attention to you for a day or two, and then they go back to their crowd and act as if you never existed.

This is SO true!!! As of yet no one at my new church has come forward to take me under their wings...and I think that for a big church that should be standard. Almost like a mentoring type program. One can get lost in a big church.

/shrug - what do you do, though?