The laughter thread.

[Sword of the Lord]

 

[Sword of the Lord]

 

[Colin]

An elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary.

The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had returned to their old neighbourhood . Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd 
shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."



On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. 
Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. 
There, she counted the money - fifty thousand pounds !



Andy said, "We've got to give it back."



Sally said, "Finders keepers."


She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 



The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"



Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.

"

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." 


The constables turned to Andy and began to question him.


One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."



Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ....



The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

 

[Anhelyna]

Nice one Colin

 

[S.ilvio]

Very funny, Colin...

 

[S.ilvio]

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah,

“Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.” Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John. “Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!?


John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[Sword of the Lord]

Perfect lol

 

[Colin]

It was Christmas day and everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

When little Billy received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Billy, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Billy explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

 

[Anhelyna]

Oh - that I like

What a wise child

 

[Colin]

One morning three women are playing bowls on the green, when suddenly, a guy runs passed wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes the first woman, she looks at him and says, "Well he's certainly not my husband".

As he passes the second woman, she also looks at him and says, " He's not mine either."

He then passes the third woman, who also looks at him very carefully.

" Wait a minute," she says, " He's not even a member of the bowling club."

 

[Colin]

Three ladies were all applying for the last available position on the Yorkshire Police Force.

The officer conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be detectives ?"

The ladies all nodded.

The officer got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said , "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first lady and withdrew it after about two seconds.

" Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The lady immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first lady hung her head and walked out of the office.

The officer then turned to the second lady , stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The officer put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second lady sheepishly walked out of the office.

The officer turned his attention to the third and last lady and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The lady said, "I certainly did. This man wears contact lenses. "

The officer frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the lady with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His file says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The lady rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

 

[Anhelyna]

 

[Colin]


A little girl asked her Mother, "How did the human race appear Mum?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and those children grew and had children and eventually so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her Father the same question.

The Father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys and apes from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her Mother and said, "Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God making Adam and Eve, and Dad said we developed from monkeys and apes?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it's very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

 

[Anhelyna]

Brilliant

 

[Colin]

As the storm raged the, captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, l know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we’re one short."

 

[brinny]

 

[Michie]

Lol!

 

[Colin]

A woman drove through a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied,” I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”

The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”

She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police ."

 

[Anhelyna]

oh dear , oh dear, oh dear

Colin strikes again