The "Is your spouse a Christian?" assumption

[ImaginaryDay]

One trend that I notice on the MC forum is that, when someone asks for advice about brokenness, healing, prayer, or restoration in their marriage, a question sometimes will come up - "Is your spouse a Christian?"

It's curious to me, I suppose, because it somehow implies that the issues might be better understood if the offending spouse was not Christian. We can then pull the 'unbeliever' card, and offer some sage advice on praying for the salvation of the spouse, or "keeping silence" in order to "win over" the unbelieving spouse through the believer's conduct (or some such thing). Certainly, an unbeliever's 'sin' is much simpler to focus on.

I would suggest that the point can be moot, at times. Christian or not, all are vulnerable to sin that affects marriage, leads to relationship breakdown, and (gasp!) divorce. All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Without his righteousness, we surely fail as much as the 'unbeliever' who becomes the scapegoat of the issues at hand.

So, before we make the assumptions, or even ask the question, maybe we can examine if it's an important fact to know, and why we're asking.

 

[Paidiske]

I wonder if it's more that if you and your spouse are of the same faith, it might be easier to agree on how to deal with whatever the issue is? Whereas if your fundamental worldviews are different, finding a mutual starting point might be harder?

 

[LinkH]

I ask that question because some lines of reasoning aren't going to work with a spouse who doesn't share the same faith. Praying with a spouse isn't going to be the same if the other one doesn't share the same beliefs. An atheist may not care for prayer, and probably isn't going to do it in faith.

 

[WolfGate]

Paidiske hit the point I was going to make. Christians do tend to have a different worldview from non-Christians. Christians value instruction in the bible, while non-Christians have no reason to. You are very correct that we all are vulnerable sin and fall short of the glory of God. However, I think you miss a big reason people ask if you assume it is simply to scapegoat the unbeliever. It does make a big difference in what advice might be applicable, and what would be irrelevant.

 

[Dave-W]

If a person is a christian they may (and SHOULD) be willing to take scriptural advice and correction.
For a non-christian you will have to go another route.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I'll add that what may be an issue to a particular denomination of Christian might not be of a non believer.

 

[LinkH]

A Christian who is thinking of leaving might actually stay if they are encouraged to based on what the Bible says. An atheist is unlikely to care much what Jesus or the apostles said.

If I knew someone was a Muslim, my marital advice would be different. I had a conversation at an airport last month with a Muslim who had proposed marriage to a girl from his country, but the parents did not approve, and of course his background effected how I shared my thoughts on the subject.

 

[kmrichard7]

I think it's pretty important in many marital conflicts if the two are equally yolked.
For instance, to a Christian we are told (Biblically) divorce is unacceptable apart from infidelity. This is important as most divorces take place over finances and issues not pertaining to fidelity.
Another reason could be adultry, inappropriate contentography, or lust. As a Christian we are held to higher standards than typical married couples and while a non believer may believe it to be completely acceptable to watch inappropriate contentography or lust after another, to a Christian we are taught to refrain from such behavior.
Yet another example could be the role of "head of household" and as a Christian women are taught to be submissive to their husbands and husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loves the church. This is a hard role to take if you are a non believer, heck even believers often have trouble following these guidelines.

Basically as Christians we are given a clear example of what is expected of us in our marriage. This is not given legally, sure everyone has morals (well most everyone) but not everyone has a clear cut guideline of what is expected from marriage and as Christians we do. So when a marriage is having trouble it's only natural for one to question if the issues are because of the two being on different moral spectrums or because one or both spouses have strayed from their own agreed guidelines.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Here's why I brought this up.
Scenario - the wife/husband has packed the bags and is out. They have left. The ship has left the harbor. I am devastated, alone, don't know what to do. I am tired of fighting. It has torn us both apart and we fight constantly.

First response - Is your spouse a Christian? Perhaps praying together and reading the bible would help.

To everything there is a back-story. Another side. More information to be gleaned. Perhaps 'reading the bible together' would result in some literal 'bible bashing'. Some of the responses here get the point, I think. It takes some communication to really know what's going on. Are they of like faith? If not, why not? But if we jump right to that, then we run a risk of losing the person looking for compassion to our own attempts to (perhaps) proselytize a bit. I'm not saying the question is unimportant - quite the opposite. But if we try to fit the person into our worldview as a first priority, we might lose them in the process.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

If you have a spouse who claims to be a Christian, but still persists in behaviors that are abusive...then I would say that even if they CLAIM to be a Christian, their actions deny that fact. If they are not willing to take correction from someone regarding changing those behaviors, there's a problem. For the spouse that persists in behaviors that do not reflect the Christian behavior of a spouse, then it just might be time to call it quits because that spouse is not showing the fruit of having the Holy Spirit dwelling within them.

Some of you know my story...my husband is abusive...ended up in jail over it. We did counseling, etc. but he has not changed his behavior one bit...except he doesn't drink any more or get violent. I'm planning to leave. I am done with dealing with this behavior, and will no longer allow myself to be subjected to this behavior any more.