the evil step mother

ValleyGal

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My parents have been divorced for a long time. Dad was on his own for a year, and during that year he started to build a genuine relationship with me, and for the first time in my life I felt like I was finally getting to know him. Then he started dating a bimbo. That was a year-long fling that he knew would never last because he wanted someone mature to settle down with - then he started dating the other woman. I liked her at first because she would not take any of his not-nice ways. Over the years, though, I have come to see how she is controlling, passive-aggressive, two-faced and just plain mean.

One time, I got off the phone with dad and before we hung up, I could hear them in the background - she made a nasty comment, and dad actually defended me. When we are together, she tries to tell me how to parent my adult son (as though he were a child), and she tries to tell me how to live my life. Most recently - today - I talked with dad on the phone - they are coming to the Valley for a wedding, and when she heard dad mention possibly seeing us on the Saturday, she told him they are booked and they can only stop by on the way through town on the Friday. They know I work on Fridays. She does not want him spending time with me or money on me.

Now and then I get a small glimpse of the relationship dad and I were building all those years ago. Like today on the phone when he mentioned the possibility of seeing me on Saturday. But she shuts him down every time. I miss what dad and I were building, and I want that again - and he knows it. I mentioned it - however briefly - when she left the room one day.

How can I have a relationship with my dad when she dictates and controls his time and listens in on our phone calls? How would you handle this?

BTW - they are not Christian. My dad took me to church growing up, but only a couple of years ago he told me he regrets taking me to church because I "took it too serious." His wife has nothing good to say about Christians or about religion.
 

jacks

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There's not a lot you can do about her attitude. Keep communications open with your dad and try to give your step mom the benefit of the doubt when speaking of her. I don't know if it would work in this case however, I've had limited success with "killing with kindness". Try being extra nice to her, find out (figure out) why she is so controlling (insecure perhaps?) and give her what she is in a sense asking for. People usually wear what they want on their sleeve and it shouldn't be too hard to figure out her needs. If nothing else, your father will see you trying and that will endear him even more to you. Praying helps to of course! Hope this all makes sense.
 
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Gentle Lamb

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My advice (as always) is to pray pray pray for the both of them, that God will change step-mom's heart, that He will show His wisdom to your dad and help both of them to get to know Him in a personal, life-changing relationship. Also do continue to keep communications with your dad as open as possible and speak to dad when step-mom's not around as often as you can.
 
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paul1149

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I miss what dad and I were building, and I want that again - and he knows it...

How can I have a relationship with my dad when she dictates and controls his time and listens in on our phone calls? How would you handle this?

I don't know that you can. Marriage is a deep bond, even when it's not a healthy marriage. The important thing is that you've made your wishes clear. At some point you will only drag yourself down trying to build a relationship with someone who hasn't yet made the decision to do so.

It may be that by leaving this on the altar and trusting God, and not trying to make it happen in your own strength, that your father will realize that he is casting off something very valuable for very bad reasons.

One other possibility I see would be to actually confront him specifically on his allowing his wife to control him and destroy your relationship with him. This level of confrontation could be a good thing if the problem between you hasn't yet been pinpointed accurately enough, so that leaving the relationship would only lead to confusion on his part rather than sharp conviction. If the Spirit confirms this tact, this would be a good thing to do to really put the ball in his court, but it would have to be done in gentleness a la Gal 6.1, and with paternal respect, with prior willingness to walk away if necessary. In any case, the issue is that you must make it your prime goal to regain your peace on this one way or the other, so that your focus can continue unimpeded on our dear Lord.
 
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BFine

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Your dad will have to be willing to
do his part, you can't carry the load
of trying to keep a relationship going
if the other person isn't doing their part.

Whether it's him getting his own private
cell phone (no contract, just add minutes
/calling card) and call you when he is alone
or finding a half way point where you can
meet up... it takes mutual cooperation/
mutual effort.

I don't interfere with my husband's relationship
with his adults children...I made it clear that they don't have to include me every time they want
to spend time with their dad.
When I want to spend time with my mom, I like
to have her alone...same thing went when my
dad was living...he would take me fishing...just
the two of us...we had fun and those times were
so special. My father died shortly before my fifth
birthday...so the memories of times with dad are
treasured...just like those times I spend alone
with my mom.
 
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ValleyGal

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Goodbook, my relationship with my mom is fine, and she is very gracious about those times when she's had to see my dad. They divorced after 35 years of marriage, about 13 years ago (iirc).

For those who suggest prayer, yes, I agree praying is a good thing to do, and I probably don't do it often enough for them. Maybe I've been praying the wrong things - I usually pray before seeing them, asking for God's strength to get through yet another visit, and that I would be a good Christian example. But I have not prayed lately for their salvation. Maybe that is what I should focus on instead.

Paul, I do think dad wants a relationship with me. He calls from time to time, and like he indicated in his phone call, he wanted to come and see us not only passing through next Friday, but also on the Saturday. She shoots him down every chance she gets, and really limits my time with him.

I have been considering talking with him about it - alone. I need to be wise about it, though, and before I do, I need to consider things like what I'm hoping will change, how likely it is that it might change, whether I can trust him to keep the conversation between just the two of us, and what kind of impact it would have on his marriage. Years ago, when they had first gotten married, his wife told him that he could not see me on my birthday because he had business to take care of, but then I found out that her daughter's car had broken down, and he went and bailed her out. That is something he never, ever did for me growing up - or even as an adult, for that matter. I did tell him at that time that I felt like he traded his whole family in for a whole new family. Again - a glimpse of what we had been building before he got together with her - he actually hugged me and told me he loves me and that I am his daughter and no one could replace me in his life. That was years ago, though...

BFine, I wish my dad's wife (I can't bring myself to call her a step mom because she's just not even that) had the same attitude that you have. They live a 3 hour drive from here, and believe me, she knows where he is all the time. It's a classic case of spouse abuse (not necessarily physical) in the form of spousal control. I don't know where his loyalties are, really - if he is in that cycle of abuse when the victim covers up for the abuser, then no matter what I say to him, he won't listen. But if he has any awareness of their marriage dynamic, I could stand a chance. Maybe that is where I need to focus my attention when / if I talk to him about these things. (BFine, what treasured memories of your dad! Keep them fresh!....needless to say, I have daddy issues, lol).

Keep the advice coming, people! It really helps to talk this through and figure out some direction!
 
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Goodbook

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Its very hard if its your parents to tell them what to do or how to behave or make them realise things. I guess your grandparents arent around anymore to talk sense to their son?

If your dad isnt a believer...then hes ignoring God and not much can do. But you said he took you to sunday school when you little. So he does have an inkling. But to confront your own parent on the issue of adultery takes some honest soul searching. He doesnt realise his actions hurt you in his choice of partner?
 
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ValleyGal

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My grandparents have been gone for many years. We're all old. :) But I wish we could have that relationship we started... I would hate for him to die and not have pursued that.

Dad knows the gospel message and we have talked about faith. He believes, but it is not an integral part of his life. I won't talk with him about adultery because he did not commit adultery. I don't really want to confront him on anything, but am considering talking with him about his wife. I would hate for that to turn into confrontation, though.

I think he does realize that his wife says and does things that hurt me. He has stood up for me at least once - and likely more - when I am not around. And the last time we saw each other, he could tell I was visibly angry when she tried telling me how to raise my adult son. He is an adult and does not need raising. So dad sees what is happening, and I do not know what goes on behind their closed doors. I am concerned for him, though. My dad is a strong man who treated my mom, sister and I the same way his wife is now treating him, and it's not nice. I am afraid that she will be really mean to him in his old age.
 
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Goodbook

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The reason why i say adultery is...even if he met and dated other women after divorcing you mum, well, your mum is still here. And he has you.
So i dont understand that part. It just makes me think he abandoned you and your mum for someone else, even if didnt seem that way at the time. It is a selfish thing to do, and suggests he doesnt know what love is.,or marriage vows.

So if you keep on going after him, you keep on getting hurt.
 
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ValleyGal

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Well, in all fairness, we do not believe that dad pursuing other women after divorcing mom is adultery. We believe adultery happens when one is married...they were not married anymore. Even if we did think it is adultery, dad is not a practicing Christian, so I will not hold him to Christian values. That is not going to be part of our conversation - if I have a conversation with him at all. I'm just trying to work that out. What I will talk with him about is the issue at hand - the issue that directly affects me - how she treats me and comes between dad and me. Their marriage is not my business. Plus, I'm really not one to call people out on their sin - if it is indeed sin. I believe that confronting sin should be reserved for extreme cases, and that those doing the confronting need to have a special call to do so - otherwise, Christians seem to take it as a right to point out other's issues rather than having compassion for where someone is on their Christian journey. So I have a much different understanding of scripture in these areas than some other Christians.

I'm not sure that I keep going after him. I maintain our relationship, which is a two-way street. He calls me sometimes and sometimes I call him. It is not dad necessarily that hurts me so much anymore as it is his wife...it's his wife I have issues with.
 
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Goodbook

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Oh ok.
Well. If its nothing to do with that then im afraid your dad made a choice to be with this woman and you need to respect that.
I cant tell my family members or friends who they should and shouldnt hang out with. If they making it clear its none of my business. If you cant pray for this woman as welland see shes lost..then..the scriputre that says bless your enemies pray for those that persecute you hasnt sunk in yet.
 
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paul1149

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Valley Girl, considering that everyone is already in adulthood, and considering that your dad has demonstrated that he wants to have a relationship with you, maybe the best thing to do would be to give this to the Lord, let your peace return to you (if you don't already have it on this matter), and from that place of freedom let your light shine rather than force a confrontation. It could be that seeing the beauty of the Lord working in your life, to heal you of the past and to empower you for a life of spiritual victory, including living on a higher plane where his wife's actions cannot move you, would be the greatest witness he could be given. This would be a gentler, more organic solution, and would require patience, and personal growth in the spirit perhaps, but it might be the best way to actually effect foundational change.

Just a thought. I could be wrong, and I say this just so it will be articulated and considered. I had missed the point that he was calling you. The best thing is to bathe the situation in prayer and see how Holy Spirit leads you by peace in your heart.

Blessings,
 
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ValleyGal

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That's the problem, Paul. I do give it to the Lord, and have been for a very long time - the last 9 years, when her nasty little comments started. But it is in the last couple of years that I've become more and more unsettled about it. It's becoming more and more painful. At first it was just mean little comments that I could easily pass off as her having a bad day or being judgemental. No big deal. But now it is to the point where I count myself very lucky if I get to spend an hour at a meal with him (them, since it's never alone) once a year in a restaurant - although we do talk on the phone every few weeks for a couple of minutes.

What you said about seeing the Lord working in my life, healing, victory.... I have a feeling that is all part of the problem. People go through life with blinders on, not giving a whole lot of thought to the roles they play in life, the dynamics in their relationships, etc. But I woke up and saw how unhealthy my family relationships were back then. I left my city of origin and pursued wholeness, holiness.... and so they have seen me go from my dysfunction to someone who is not allowing the past to control my future. Typically people don't like it when someone changes the script because they don't know how to react to the new dynamic - especially when that dynamic includes Jesus. As I mentioned, his wife has nothing good to say about Christianity (or people of other races, or fat people, or people with a different political view or people who have a mental illness, etc...I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture).

Sometimes I wish he had chosen the bimbo - at least she could have claimed oblivion. And Goodbook, I don't see how calling her a bimbo is "unchristian" as it was a perfect description of her - young, bouncy, energetic, thinking she could get by on looks and rich men rather than intelligence and integrity.

Also, Goodbook, I am not trying to tell him who to hang out with. Where do you come up with that? My original request for advice is how to have a relationship with my dad when she is so controlling of his time and resources, and is so rude, two-faced, etc. I am still looking for this advice, and I fail to see how confronting him on adultery or telling me that it's none of my business who he hangs out with is helpful.
 
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paul1149

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Thanks for those extra details, VG. I've been through this with family and know how distressing it can be. It took a long involved process for me finally to leave. I finally realized that nothing would change until they were willing to change, and they weren't. To leave, I had to get out from under legalism regarding the Fifth Commandment, which I did by considering it in the broader context of the Bible, especially the NT, and by aid of supernatural leading from God. I saw that Jesus' call on my life had higher precedence than anything or anyone else.

I think it comes down to whether it has gotten so bad that you are forced into a demeaning silence in the face of her attacks, a silence that at some point actually becomes a form of complicity. If that is the case, the choices as I see them are to confront the issue openly, either with him alone or with both of them, or to restrict your interactions to him alone.

May you have peace as you consider the way forward.
 
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Goodbook

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Just ignore her. (His lady friend).
If you feeling this way about her then you cant force your relationship with him because it looks like hes chosen her over you. Even though hes your dad. Im sorry. Hes the one in bondage but only Jesus can break those chains and you said your dad wasnt a christian and didnt want to be. And it seems like you dont want to pray for that woman...i mean you dont have to like her but you could pray to bind the demons operating in her life.

Dont be unequally yoked.
 
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ValleyGal

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Paul, I'm sorry you went through something similar. It is really painful, and as believers, we need to be very careful about reflecting God in how we handle these kinds of things with those who are not believers. I think you are right...I'm going to try to see if I am able to see him alone the time or two every year we can manage. Last night I found out that they are coming early on next Friday, and will be long gone by the time I get off work - she goes ahead and just makes plans so that it's impossible for him to spend time with me. :(

Goodbook, seriously, where do you come up with stuff? Dad never said he didn't want to be a Christian. He's just not practicing right now and I have a feeling she might have something to do with that because she is anti-Christian. That is not to say he does not want it in his heart...he very well may, but he has given me little to no indication either way. Also, how can you even say that it seems like I don't want to pray for the woman. I even SAID I was praying for them AND going to include salvation in my prayers. So, seriously, what you are saying is really not very helpful because it is irrelevant to the truth of the situation. And also, being equally yoked has to do with a marriage situation, not parental. In fact, the Bible says that anyone who does not provide for their family is worse than a non-believer, and it does not indicate whether that family needs to be a Christian. And provision could very well be the provision of God's love in their lives, not just financial. So my relationship with my father is not an "unequal yoke" because I'm not married to him and because he is my father and I will obey the Bible and provide at least Christian love in his life.
 
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