The case against raising your kids "Christian"

[Gordon Wright]

I've seen some huge mistakes made in this area, and not by accident. There's a tendency in Christendom that has bad unintended consequences, and I feel called to write an article warning people. But in humility, I'd first like to run my initial thoughts past the more experienced. Here are my notes thus far. Any feedback appreciated. Thanks.

The Great Commission calls us to go and make disciples, not stay home and try to breed them.

Children have free will. We can't make them have faith.

Children can, however, be brainwashed. They can "believe" in a shallow way, but this won't be real faith. The ways it falls short:

1. It leads to trust in the wrong thing. Trust in the religion, or in the church, or in the church's traditions, or in the parents themselves. Kids don't understand the distinction.

2. Faith that has never been tested is shallow. Shelter your kids and they will grow up weak.

2a. They'll do a terrible job evangelizing. Their cluelessness will drive seeking peers away.
(I've been on the receiving end of this.)

3. The pressure of expectations is pressure to fake it, maybe even lie to oneself. This will lead to bitterness later on.

The brainwashing won't hold, but when the belief has died the brainwashing will leave damage. if the former church kid later becomes open, he will be fundamentally confused about what faith is. He'll think in terms of coming back to the faith. But he never had real faith to begin with. He needs to come to a real relationship with God, not what he was raised in.

Confirmation bias and wishful thinking will lead the parents to take their children's shallow belief at face value. The parents lose a chance to save their kids' souls by not realizing said souls aren't actually saved.

Too much legalistic pressure can drive a kid to rebel. Don't force your kids to go to church and pray. That's not real faith, and it will drive your kids to sullenness and cynicism. (I've seen this happen.)

I've been in a church where they expected their kids to fall away in college, then come crawling back to the faith when real life got too much for them. There are many ways that plan can go awry.

What to do instead:

1. Expose them gently to real Christianity, both life and doctrine.
2. Don't shelter them too much. They need the external world as a basis of comparison.
3. Respect their free will.

 

[Dave-W]

Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the [spoken] word of Christ.

If you do not teach your kids to listen to the voice of God speaking to them individually, they will have no true biblical faith.

 

[Poor Beggar]

I've seen some huge mistakes made in this area, and not by accident. There's a tendency in Christendom that has bad unintended consequences, and I feel called to write an article warning people. But in humility, I'd first like to run my initial thoughts past the more experienced. Here are my notes thus far. Any feedback appreciated. Thanks.

The Great Commission calls us to go and make disciples, not stay home and try to breed them.

Children have free will. We can't make them have faith.

Children can, however, be brainwashed. They can "believe" in a shallow way, but this won't be real faith. The ways it falls short:

1. It leads to trust in the wrong thing. Trust in the religion, or in the church, or in the church's traditions, or in the parents themselves. Kids don't understand the distinction.

2. Faith that has never been tested is shallow. Shelter your kids and they will grow up weak.

2a. They'll do a terrible job evangelizing. Their cluelessness will drive seeking peers away.
(I've been on the receiving end of this.)

3. The pressure of expectations is pressure to fake it, maybe even lie to oneself. This will lead to bitterness later on.

The brainwashing won't hold, but when the belief has died the brainwashing will leave damage. if the former church kid later becomes open, he will be fundamentally confused about what faith is. He'll think in terms of coming back to the faith. But he never had real faith to begin with. He needs to come to a real relationship with God, not what he was raised in.

Confirmation bias and wishful thinking will lead the parents to take their children's shallow belief at face value. The parents lose a chance to save their kids' souls by not realizing said souls aren't actually saved.

Too much legalistic pressure can drive a kid to rebel. Don't force your kids to go to church and pray. That's not real faith, and it will drive your kids to sullenness and cynicism. (I've seen this happen.)

I've been in a church where they expected their kids to fall away in college, then come crawling back to the faith when real life got too much for them. There are many ways that plan can go awry.

What to do instead:

1. Expose them gently to real Christianity, both life and doctrine.
2. Don't shelter them too much. They need the external world as a basis of comparison.
3. Respect their free will.

I like what you're getting at because it isn't discussed much and I think it's pretty apparent! My kids are about to be 4 and 2 so I've a ways to go, but I think it's going to be about having a shared conversation. Rather than telling them "What Is The Case", I'm going to simply ask them questions using everyday real life and help them work through their experiences intellectually and emotionally so they can arrive at a place that makes sense. I believe Christianity truly makes sense because it is Truth, so instead of just giving them factoids to memorize why not challenge the presuppositions of the world? Give them an alternative, but present it through honest discussion.

 

[RC1970]

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." ~ Proverbs 22:6

"And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise." ~ Deuteronomy 6:6-7

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." ~ Ephesians 6:4

"But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus." ~ 2 Timothy 3:14-15

 

[Messy]

It's no use forcing them. I saw too many uninterested kids in church who were only there because they had to go from their parents. They need to meet God and get a personal relationship with Him. Parents should disciple their kids and bring them to Jesus. Free will for a kid is nonsense. Every kid wants Jesus.
I saw parents who were so busy with their ministry and ministering to mature people that they forgot to bring their own kids to Jesus. One kid visited our church, I asked the kids if they ever accepted Jesus in their life and he said no. He did it then. He was 10 years old and his dad was a minister. They just assumed because he always went with them to church that the church had taken care of it or something. They thought he was saved but he wasn't. Never seen such a hungry kid. It was great to do the kids service.

 

[Shane R]

There is a difference between indoctrination and learning.

 

[JCFantasy23]

It's actually difficult and something as a parent I never knew how to approach. With my son we have shared custody so there are two influences households. We're all Christian, but his father was forced to go to church against his will, so as soon as he was an adult he put his foot down and doesn't want to go, soured by the experience. This seems to happen a lot. On the other hand, I came from a history of no church but having a relationship with God. I have talked to my son about God and prayer and what I can, but I'm not sure how to express to him that I hope he approaches God for a relationship. He's at that age where he gets annoyed when I talk to him about anything (teenager years)

 

[TheDag]

One of the biggest mistakes the church makes imo is that they teach kids what to believe but not why. So when told this is the truth and then later in life (often at university) someone comes along and says no that is wrong they have no firm ground. Their house was built on sand not rock.
I was in primary school when I showed an interest in becoming christian. It was handled poorly and the church I went to didn't really think too much about the kids.

I do agree that one should acknowledge there are other faiths out there and I certainly want my son to be saved but I don't want it to be my choice forced on him.

 

[barisvesevgi]

I've seen some huge mistakes made in this area, and not by accident. There's a tendency in Christendom that has bad unintended consequences, and I feel called to write an article warning people. But in humility, I'd first like to run my initial thoughts past the more experienced. Here are my notes thus far. Any feedback appreciated. Thanks.

The Great Commission calls us to go and make disciples, not stay home and try to breed them.

Children have free will. We can't make them have faith.

Children can, however, be brainwashed. They can "believe" in a shallow way, but this won't be real faith. The ways it falls short:

1. It leads to trust in the wrong thing. Trust in the religion, or in the church, or in the church's traditions, or in the parents themselves. Kids don't understand the distinction.

2. Faith that has never been tested is shallow. Shelter your kids and they will grow up weak.

2a. They'll do a terrible job evangelizing. Their cluelessness will drive seeking peers away.
(I've been on the receiving end of this.)

3. The pressure of expectations is pressure to fake it, maybe even lie to oneself. This will lead to bitterness later on.

The brainwashing won't hold, but when the belief has died the brainwashing will leave damage. if the former church kid later becomes open, he will be fundamentally confused about what faith is. He'll think in terms of coming back to the faith. But he never had real faith to begin with. He needs to come to a real relationship with God, not what he was raised in.

Confirmation bias and wishful thinking will lead the parents to take their children's shallow belief at face value. The parents lose a chance to save their kids' souls by not realizing said souls aren't actually saved.

Too much legalistic pressure can drive a kid to rebel. Don't force your kids to go to church and pray. That's not real faith, and it will drive your kids to sullenness and cynicism. (I've seen this happen.)

I've been in a church where they expected their kids to fall away in college, then come crawling back to the faith when real life got too much for them. There are many ways that plan can go awry.

What to do instead:

1. Expose them gently to real Christianity, both life and doctrine.
2. Don't shelter them too much. They need the external world as a basis of comparison.
3. Respect their free will.

Wow! This is a great post. I thought about that weeks ago because I am a children's ministry volunteer and saw some things that didn't sit right with me. I felt how we teach the children about God and about loving Him with all of their heart is kind of like brainwashing them. I believe knowing God and loving Him can only come naturally once saved. I knew of God before I was saved. I believe in Him before I was saved. I experienced love for Him and from Him after I was saved. I do read the Bible with my 4 year old every night. I use the stories to show her how people should behave and also about the Man who lived here on earth. We thank our Father for our meals, and for other blessings, and we pray when she has a tummy ache. I don't want to force her to love or be like anyone because she is just a child. She has to develop her own character, but I can provide, with a subtle approach, His tools to guide her in the right direction. We use the situations at her school for discussions. Today she told me I don't want to be this girls friend because she is mean to me. I took a moment to tell her we should continue to be nice even if people are not nice to us. I always use examples from her Bible and tell her Jesus was nice no matter how many people were mean to Him. Yes we talk about Jesus as I would of any other person, but if I force her to behave or believe in the way most Christian churches expect of our children, she will just do what she is told and not what she feels or believes. She will never have that eye opening experience of what it feels like to be saved, to have visions, to feel love for everyone and everything. Christianity is not an act, it is a Holy Experience and a blessing from our Father.

 

[jargew]

Hi,
It's interesting that you completely negated biblical instruction with your logical precis.
Colossians 2:8 - See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition...

Perhaps you could review the instructions for parents set forth in the Bible (eg. RC1970 post for a short list) and then repost with considerations as to how the Bible supports or contradicts your statements.
Any earthly philosophy or logical argument could be easily defeated with a strong, equally logical contradictory argument.
In my opinion, based on my knowledge of the Bible, I think your argument hold little water.
However, I do not ever manipulate my kids into believing the gospel. I always have a logical argument for everything in the Bible. I absolutely agree that some churches attempt to manipulate youth and force them to obey through guilt and pressure tactics. That is not based on biblical teaching either.
Honestly, teach all children the gospel, teach them the bible and let them decide. But the teaching is vital and in accordance with the will of God.

 

[Gordon Wright]

I took a moment to tell her we should continue to be nice even if people are not nice to us. I always use examples from her Bible and tell her Jesus was nice no matter how many people were mean to Him.

Careful there. Jesus harshed a lot of people's mellow. He certainly wasn't what many consider nice. His words were often quite cutting.

In other words, he wasn't politically correct.

 

[Gordon Wright]

I was in primary school when I showed an interest in becoming christian. It was handled poorly and the church I went to didn't really think too much about the kids.

That's interesting. What sort of church was this?

 

[Gordon Wright]

Wow! This is a great post. I thought about that weeks ago because I am a children's ministry volunteer and saw some things that didn't sit right with me. I felt how we teach the children about God and about loving Him with all of their heart is kind of like brainwashing them.

It sort of is. In a way, most childrearing is brainwashing. Cultural conditioning is brainwashing. Kids brains are designed to be programmed. It creates strong mental patterns but no deep convictions. A conditioned habit of mind is not the same thing as faith.

Some of us grow up and start questioning things. Some of us don't. Those who don't live with self-delusion. Those who question often don't question deeply enough. They keep some of the false hidden assumptions and repackage them into an equally irrational apostasy. What scares me is the people posting here saying they were bom Christian and then became apostate. They never understood what it was about if they think you can be born Christian.

 

[Dave-W]

What scares me is the people posting here saying they were bom Christian and then became apostate. They never understood what it was about if they think you can be born Christian.

I guess that depends on how you define "christian." If it just means a certain church culture, then you can be born that. If you mean born again, not so much. The only POSSIBLE exception to that is a Jewish child born in a Messianic family knowing about and trusting Jesus/Yeshua from birth.

Romans 11 has an image of 2 olive trees, one cultivated and one wild. We gentiles are born on that wild tree while Jews are born on the cultivated one. They get broken off when they show unbelief. We get cut from the wild tree and grafted into the cultivated one when we come to faith.

But if a Jewish child NEVER comes into that unbelief, then perhaps they do not get broken off.

 

[TheDag]

That's interesting. What sort of church was this?

I don't think it would be beneficial to the kingdom of God to answer that.

 

[Gordon Wright]

I don't think it would be beneficial to the kingdom of God to answer that.

I'm curious because I never heard of a church neglecting children. Dealing with them ineptly, yes. Not bothering with them... that's a new one on me.

 

[barisvesevgi]

Careful there. Jesus harshed a lot of people's mellow. He certainly wasn't what many consider nice. His words were often quite cutting.

In other words, he wasn't politically correct.

Yes, but she is only 4 so I can't go into that much detail. I just focus on the points that we should forgive, love others, etc. just as He did. Thanks very much for sharing your thoughts.

 

[TheDag]

I'm curious because I never heard of a church neglecting children. Dealing with them ineptly, yes. Not bothering with them... that's a new one on me.

I didn't say they didn't bother but certainly did not put much effort in. They had sunday school and as long as you got through the workbook for the year and could remember certain things that was all they seemed to care about. As a child your opinion didn't matter. You were always seen as your parents child. I would go to other churches in the same denomination and people would say oh your Mike & Lisa's son. You would be introduced as that. No mention of my actual name.

 

[Butterfly99]

I've been glad to be raised in a Christian family. I don't think I've been raised like some folks here raise their kids. My parents don't try to keep me in a bubble or anything. They don't brainwash me. They don't say that how they believe is how I should believe about everything. They have never ever hit me. There was a thread about hitting teenagers to punish them & some said that was a Christian thing! That upset me bad.

 

[keith99]

C.S. Lewis pointed out several things. Jesus did not bring some newfangled morality or ethics. Christian Morality agrees with other moral systems 95% of the time. Lewis also said that Christians should stand up and say they feel their Faith is right about that 5% difference.

When those differences come up. But most of the time should be spent on the 95%.

Looking at this thread all is about that 5%. If you want to raise a child well you need to spend 95% of the time on the 95% almost everyone agrees on, not spend 95% of the time on the 5% that is different. But that seems to be what this thread advocates (thought somewhat passively).

I would point out that most of that 5% is about Jesus helping those who believe in him to live up to the 95% almost all moral systems advocate. A 'personal relationship with Jesus' is pretty worthless if one has not firmly learned basic morality first. What use is having a friend who can help you do right if you never learned what right is?

Fortunately most Christians do seem to spend more time on that 95% when they raise their kids than when they talk about a good Christian upbringing, but they spend less of their effort on basic morality and ethics than they should. Get the basics right first or any faith on Jesus is simply a house built on shifting sand or worse an excuse to do evil.