Some of these things are very tough to say, and I am not revealing every detail. But I think that in order to truly give my testimony, I have to say some things that are very touchy. But I know that I am not the only person in the world, and likely not the only person on CF, who has had these experiences. So as hard as some of these things might be to disclose to others, I think that others can benefit from seeing someone else in their shoes. So you may or may not want to read this.
I used to think that my childhood was more or less normal/good. I have a brother and a sister who are close to my age. My parents never divorced. We went to church every week. I was involved in various activities. I got decent grades. I played the piano and sax. I dated a few girls. My parents didn't hit me (I was spanked, but I'm referring to abusive hitting). But there were other factors in my childhood that bring things out of the normal category (at least I hope that it's not normal).
I saw my first inappropriate contentographic magazine when I was about 5. I was next door with a kid who was a few years older than I was, and he had one of his dad's inappropriate contents. I didn't have a huge notion of my sexuality at the time, but I at least knew that boys and girls were different and that boys are supposed to like girls for some reason.
As for this next part, I really have no idea how it started. But at some point in time around that same time (it might have been a little before... it might have been a little after), all the kids in my family (my brother, sister, and I, as well as my two cousins on my mom's side) were involved sexually with each other. Never any actual sex, but a lot of touchy-feely stuff. And that lasted for multiple years. I have no memory of ever being molested by an adult. I really don't know for absoulte sure if any of us were. But little kids don't just think up that kind of stuff on their own. Kids with no real concept of sexuality don't just start being sexual like that. I think that it is very possible (and I'd go so far as to say likely) that my sister, who is two years older than I am, was molested, and probably by more than one person. And because of this being in some of my extended family (my cousins being involved), I think that someone may have done something to some of the rest of us. I have some ideas, but absolutely no evidence.
This went on for some years, up till my early teens (maybe 13 years old). In addition to that, I was heavily immersed in inappropriate contentography. I also don't really remember a time in my life when there wasn't masturbation. I remember being, say, 4, and that not being there. But not after that. Most people that I've talked to didn't discover that till their teens. But that was part of my life since at least kindergarten. So from the time I was about 5 or 6 till just a couple years ago, inappropriate contentography was an integral part of my life. I won't get into details about this, but there was some pretty deviant stuff that I would watch/look at.
Warped sexuality consumed my almost every thought for years. I couldn't look at someone without picturing that person naked. I would normally imagine that person involved in some kind of sexual activity. It got to the point that I didn't even need to try to imagine things. It was just what my mind did. It's sort of like turning your water hose on and putting it on the ground where there is no grass. If you let it go, it will eventually carve out a path. If you go the extra step and carve out a small path first, a lot of water will take that path. Eventually there is a pretty good channel cut out and the water just goest that way without having to do anything. Then if you try to get the water to go another way, it already has that established path to travel down.
Not only did I train my mind to act a certain way, but multiple doors were opened for spiritual attack. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was just continuously inviting evil spirits to make their home in my mind. I've always been a person of the mind. I've always loved to learn. I've always loved knowing accurate facts. I've always been very logical. I've always been someone who sits and ponders things for hours on end. Although I acted on some of my imaginations, by and large I kept it to myself. I kept it all in my own mind.
Slowly but surely, I began to lose the ability to control what was going on in my mind. Even when it came to non-sexual thoughts, I could often not control what images were in my mind. As a hypothetical example, let's say that I invisioned a Jack-In-The-Box, with the "jack" out of the box attatched to his spring. Then in my mind I wanted to put the jack back in the box. I'd try to imagine him going back in the box, but I was not able to. I'd put him in, then he'd automatically spring back out. Or else there'd be something keeping him outside the box. And if Jack decided he wanted to start spinning in circles, I couldn't make him stop, even though it was just a picture in my mind. Mind you, I don't think that's ever actually been something in my mind, but you get the idea. I had a whole world of thoughts and imaginations that were by and large outside of my ability to control.
When I was very young (maybe around 1), my dad cheated on my mom and they almost got divorced. He convinced her to keep him around, but things never healed. I don't blame my mom for being bitter towards him, and I am definitely not saying how wrong she was, but she was just never able to really forgive him. But growing up, I never knew any of this. All I knew was that my mom was a bitter woman, always angry and cold, and that my dad was the fun one. Later on in my life, I grew to be pretty averse to women in general. Just the sound of a woman's voice for too long of a time would get me on edge. I eventually grew out of that, knowing more facts about my parents' relationship and knowing that there is nothing wrong with a person being a woman.
And due to all that, I can't remember too many nights when my parents were screaming at each other, and I couldn't sleep for several hours until they stopped or I just got too tired to stay awake. It wasn't just my mom or my dad being angry or starting something. Both of them would do things to keep it going. I remember just wanting to go out of my room and kill them both to make them shut up so there would be peace in the house and so we could sleep.
When it came to my relationship with God (if I even had one), I always wanted to learn more about the Bible and to learn more about God. I would read through the Bible, read theological books, watch preachers on TV, etc. So over time I accumulated a lot of facts about "theology". I wanted to be "correct" about things. Eventually I discovered the Catholic Church. After about a year of looking at them, I decided that I wanted to join them. But I waited until after I left home to pursue it, since I didn't want there to be confrontation about it (I always tried to avoid confrontation). Then when my parents were going to come and visit me, I stopped attending Mass and found a nice Presbyterian church to attend. I kept that up for a few years. I decided that the RCC wasn't the place for me. Then after a few years I changed my mind again. About 10 months later, after some more searching into things, I decided to join the Eastern Orthodox Church. I was chrismated into the EOC and spent about 2 years there total, until I met my wife. This was all in order to be the most correct that I could be.
Now, I've always had a conscience, and I've always known what was right and wrong. And I wanted to not sin, but my desire to sin usually outweighed my desire not to sin.
I met my wife, and we were married 6 weeks later. Two months after that we conceived our daughter, who was born this past September. We met in September of 06 and were married October 27th. She was evagelical, and one of those "word of faith" people. And although she didn't like everything about the EOC, she was willing, for a time, to join it so we could attend a church together and take communion together. That didn't last that long. She eventually got to the point that she couldn't stand going any more, but I was convinced that that was "the fulness of the church" and what not. It got pretty heated, and we almost divorced that night. Her mom came over as well. She definitely has the gift of prophecy. Even when I was in the EOC and thought that God only really moved there, I recognized that gift in her. She told me things that night that she couldn't have possibly known without me telling her (which I didn't), and I became convinced that the EOC really wasn't where it's at.
Keep in mind that the reason why I joined the EOC made a lot of sense in my mind, and those reasons still made sense even at that point. Up till that point I was unfamiliar with the concept of "deliverance". Through them God delivered me from a lot of things. But not too long after that they were back. I began to wonder if God even existed. For a few weeks I wasn't sure if there was even a God who was hearing my prayers. All I could pray was "God, if you're there, I want to believe in you. If you're there, give me some faith". He did. I got out of that hole, believing that God exists.
During the course of my marriage, I was not honest with my wife concerning a lot of struggles I had been having. At the time we got married, it had been about a year since I looked at a inappropriate content. By God's grace I have kept that trend. But the effects of a life time of inappropriate content viewing had made a very deep etch in my mind. Actually, a whole lot of deep etches. I couldn't have sex without imagining that she was someone else. Not because she wasn't enough for me, but my mind just automatically went that route. After a little while, I was able to force my mind to not actively engage in that, but images of other people constantly plagued my mind. She would ask me if I struggled with these things, and I would say that I didn't. I can't get much, if anything, past her. She knew that something was up.
Being on a submarine, although I wouldn't actually get skin-to-skin with men, there were things that went on. Whether exposing ourselves, or touching through clothes, or whatever. There were even games of "chicken" that involved kissing if neither person would chicken out. That happened once after I got married, but several times before. Although at the time I considered things as "acting like men on a submarine", most of that in all reality constituted cheating. Eventually all this came to the surface with my wife. Not just the things themselves, but lying about so many things. She thought that we had just the perfect marriage, while I was acting like someone else entirely when I was at work.
I've tried to control my thought life, but I just couldn't stop things from going into my head. I'd try to focus on other things, but my mind was just swamped with images. Even though I had stopped actively trying to imagine other women, I just couldn't get things out of my head.
There was a lot of dramatic events in the past month. It got to the point that she was about to leave, take the kid with her, and make sure that I never knew where they were for the rest of my life. Although she never walked out, that would happen day after day. Eventually it was brought to my attention that I was not even saved. Now, my mother-in-law, who has the gift of prophecy and words of knowledge, doesn't say "God said" very lightly. And when she does it is evident that God is actually telling her something. My life was crumbling under my feet, and I was begging God to help me. After she told me that, all I could do was beg Him even more.
Later on that night (this was May 3rd), things got really heated, and the subject of my lack of salvation came up. Although my wife (and mother-in-law) strongly disliked me at that point, neither of them wanted me in hell. So we prayed together, and I received Christ into my heart that night. The whole time we were praying I couldn't stop crying. And it was so much of an emotional cry. Just as soon as I started praying the crying came on. And after we were done I couldn't stop for a good 10 minutes.
It got a LITTLE better for my wife and me after that. The next day we went out to lunch with a friend who, although he had moved to Texas, just "happened" to be in town that day. He brought some friends from his church (the one in our area that he used to be part of). It just so "happened" that two of them had a deliverance ministry. Later on that night, things got heated between my wife and me again (keep in mind that she has a LOT of pain and scarring from my actions and lies). We called those people up for help, and they agreed to see us. That night we talked and prayed for several hours. We talked a lot about both of our pasts. Many soul ties were broken. Many sins were acknowledged. Many spirits were addressed and rebuked/cast out. We were pretty thorough.
Since that night my mind has changed drastically. Although many of the images would still come to my mind, God not only delivered me of the spirits, but He began the healing process. Each day my mind has gotten stronger and stronger. I have gotten more and more control over what happens in my mind. I cannot say that I am 100% better. But compared to just the other week, I'd say it's about 85-90% better. I used to try to imagine what it would be like to not constantly have sexual images in my mind. And truthfully, I couldn't imagine it. I didn't know if it would be possible. But it's been so refreshing. Especially the last few days. It's so wonderful to be able to actually choose a thought and have that in my head. It's so wonderful to know that something is coming and be able to keep it from becoming a thought or image.
Each day God gives my mind more and more strength, and the healing keeps on continuing. God has given me the ability to truly believe and trust Him. He has delivered my mind from the bondage it was under. He has showered blessings upon me. He is always showing His goodness in ways that I could never have imagined.
My wife is healing as well. I have hurt her a lot. She has forgiven me, but there is still pain. But God is so much bigger than anything we might be facing!
Thank you, Jesus, for taking upon yourself the curse of our sins, so that we might be delivered from its bondage.
There are probably some details that I have left out, but that's the gist of it.
If I've said anything inappropriate, please let me know first so that I can fix it and we can deal with it without the report button. Thank you.
