Surviving Infidelity

[Joy71]

Hello all!

I am still here, and still working on things. The biggest struggle right now is what to do with the bad feelings that I inevitably fight every day. I do not want to tell my husband what is hurting me because I don't feel he needs to have his past mistakes thrown in his face constantly, BUT I am still dealing with the residual pain, fear, and grief constantly. We have been reconciled about 6 months but I lived through many years of lies and infidelity. The husband I have now is truly different, I can see it and feel it in so many ways. I just wish I could get my own emotions under control. I keep it all in and try to push the bad thoughts and feelings aside but it does affect my mood at times. Many times my DH will ask me if something is wrong or what is on my mind and I always tell him I am fine. I am not, but how am I to tell him? I feel dishonest yet I don't know a better approach. If I am constantly reminding him of how much he hurt me then he is not going to find me terribly pleasant to be around and I don't want that. Also, I can honestly say that he is doing everything he can short of having a time machine to make things right. I really can't think of anything else he could do to help me more. I just wish I could get a grip!! We spend tons of quality time together. We do not fight or argue. We have made so many changes! It is just so frustrating that in the middle of an otherwise wonderful day I can get slapped with a thought or memory that that ruins everything for me. It is so frustrating that after a fantastic day, even after beautiful "personal time" together I can fall asleep only to wake up hours later shaking and crying from another of the persistent nightmares.

I guess I am just venting a bit... however if anyone has any practical advice as to how to move through this mess please do share! Especially if anyone has any insight into whether to share or not share this situation with my DH.

I hope everyone is having a sunny day!
Joy

 

[Joy71]

Another short update, don't know if anyone is following or not. It has been brought to my attention that my lack of forgiveness towards the other women as well as some OW supporters that caused damage to my marriage is likely the roots of bitterness tainting the progress my DH and I are trying to make. So, my latest challenge is to face and let go of my harsh feelings towards those who have hurt me so deeply so that I can move forward freely. It is going to have to be a God thing because I know I do not have it in me alone. Honestly, I don't even want to go there right now. But, if that is what God wants and commands from me then I must try until I get it right! I would really appreciate your prayers. It seems such an overwhelming task. Gonna have to be a feelings follow actions sort of thing I guess. I am sure I will have to start over each day for many days to come!

Joy

 

[Joy71]

I need to add a confession to my story. I posted to someone else today about publicly admitting your sins and although everyone in my real life already knows my story, you here do not. So, here it is for what it is worth!

The marriage that I am working hard to restore was the result of an affair. My affair with a married man. It is unacceptable, inexcusable, and the consequences of adultery in my life both as a participant and later a victim are exactly why I feel so strongly about the issue. Adultery effects everyone and everything in your life.

I believe in forgiveness where there is true repentance. I am trying very hard to extend the grace that has been extended to me.

I know this is brief and not very detailed but if anyone has questions of me I will answer them as honestly as possible. The story is long and winding but as I said, IRL it is not a secret. I didn't mean for it to be here and I hope I have not offended anyone.

Joy

 

[sdmsanjose]

Another short update, don't know if anyone is following or not. It has been brought to my attention that my lack of forgiveness towards the other women as well as some OW supporters that caused damage to my marriage is likely the roots of bitterness tainting the progress my DH and I are trying to make. So, my latest challenge is to face and let go of my harsh feelings towards those who have hurt me so deeply so that I can move forward freely. It is going to have to be a God thing because I know I do not have it in me alone. Honestly, I don't even want to go there right now. But, if that is what God wants and commands from me then I must try until I get it right! I would really appreciate your prayers. It seems such an overwhelming task. Gonna have to be a feelings follow actions sort of thing I guess. I am sure I will have to start over each day for many days to come!

Joy

Joy
Forgiving the other woman is an act of your will not emotions. Here is a motivation that I think is what God’s wants of you. Your willful action to forgive this woman and anyone else should be based upon you doing something that you do not want and is painful but you are doing it to please God.

Without our belief in God’s grace the other woman will just be a cockroach; a person that we would not mind stepping on. However, one of the great tests of the Christian faith is to follow God when it is the toughest thing to do.

Here are a few things that may help you with starting the forgiveness journey

1 The adultery on both sides; yours and others can remind you of how painful sin is. I am sure you know this but this pain can be a motivator to gain faith.
2 You have no right holding resentment and unforgiveness when you have been forgiven
Matthew 6
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:</SPAN>
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses


3 You do not have to love this woman just stop the resentfulness against her. You never have to be friends with her or have her over for coffee or anything like that; just concentrate on pleasing God
4 This is an opportunity to see if you are going to make a decision to reach for a higher level of spirituality or concentrate on your hurts and resentfulness of the pain that someone else has caused you.
Christ gave us a perfect example before he drank of the cup of sin and doomed his life to the brutal crucifixion
Matthew 26:39
And he went a little farther, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.



5 This situation will make you either BITTER or BETTER; you get to choose which one it will be.
6 Are you going to believe God or focus on your pain?
7 If you struggle and forgive in the end do you believe that God is going to bless you?
8 Your faith that God is going to bless you for following His guidance is critical. Your feelings for the other woman are somewhat irrelevant; your faith in God and obediance is everything.
Hebrews 11:6
But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

You may think that I am preachy but I will leave you with this. What are you going to put your hope in? Will it be human emotions and thoughts or God&#8217;s word?
Isaiah 55:8
&#8220;For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,&#8221; says the LORD



You are God&#8217;s daughter and He will bring you through this.
Matthew 11:28
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest

 

[Joy71]

sdmsanjose thank you for the encouraging words. I am working through this exact stuff with my counselor and agree with everything you have said. It's harder to do than say but I guess it wouldn't be worth much if it was easy.

Thanks too for the scripture references. A lot of them we have been studying already but it always helps to hear the same thing from elsewhere as support, to know you are on the right track.

My indescretions were many years ago. We have been married 13 years. I will say it makes it so much worse to experience the pain of betrayal and have to deal with the realization of just how much pain you caused someone else. It is gut wrenching. The guilt and the shame and the feeling of having deserved what you are getting when it happens to you is beyond words.

Just trying to move forward as best I can from where I am now!

Joy

 

[Joy71]

I just wanted you to know that I have hand copied down most all of this and looked up the scriptures before copying down those parts just for double reinforcement into my journal. I really to appreciate you taking the time to share this with me.

Joy

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quote of Joy
My indescretions were many years ago. We have been married 13 years. I will say it makes it so much worse to experience the pain of betrayal and have to deal with the realization of just how much pain you caused someone else. It is gut wrenching. The guilt and the shame and the feeling of having deserved what you are getting when it happens to you is beyond words.

Joy, I would bet that you now hate sin more than ever; that is pleasing to God. You can suffer because of sin and do things against God&#8217;s word or you can suffer with perseverance, obedience, with faith and hope and please God.

Although your words bring empathy and sadness as I read them, your actions over the last several months have proven you to be a child of God. Joy, you are suffering but your spirit and heart are still in God&#8217;s hands.

Your words are of a woman that has a broken and contrite spirit. King David surely knows your pain and also knows that God will be with you.

1. Psalm 34:18
   The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
   
   
2. Psalm 51:17
   The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
   
   

Joy, I will leave you with this. Last Sunday my pastor said something like this:
When you are not in comfort that is when you are very receptive to the Comforter

 

[Joy71]

Joy, I would bet that you now hate sin more than ever; that is pleasing to God. You can suffer because of sin and do things against God’s word or you can suffer with perseverance, obedience, with faith and hope and please God.

Although your words bring empathy and sadness as I read them, your actions over the last several months have proven you to be a child of God. Joy, you are suffering but your spirit and heart are still in God’s hands.

Your words are of a woman that has a broken and contrite spirit. King David surely knows your pain and also knows that God will be with you.

1. Psalm 34:18
   The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
2. Psalm 51:17
   The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.

Joy, I will leave you with this. Last Sunday my pastor said something like this:
When you are not in comfort that is when you are very receptive to the Comforter

Thank you so very much for sharing these words. You have touched me more than you know and at a time when I really needed some encouragement.

Joy

 

[sdmsanjose]

You are welcome my dear!
Joy, you are VERY encouraging to me as you are so receptive to God’s word.
In your pain you are so responsive to God’s spirit; that is IMPRESSIVE to me!

Maybe your name of JOY was given to you for a reason

Psalm 30:5
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but JOY cometh in the morning.

 

[Marty H]

Joy,

I am new here, but your story has really touched me and I decided to join because of it. I have recently confessed an infidelity to my wife and she is considering leaving me. The infidelity was an encounter with someone I will never see again even if I wanted to (which I don't). I could not live with the guilt and a little over a week later I confessed to my wife. I am doubtful that she will forgive me and I am certain that she is going to take our 2 year old twins away from me. I made the biggest mistake of my life and if I could do anything to undo it, I would.

It sounds silly, but it actually seems to have taken that mistake for me to realize what I had. I WANT to be a better person, husband, father and Christian. I am hoping someday that she will see that and be able to give me another chance, but do doubt it.

I do hope that eventually you can completely forgive and trust your husband again. I know, coming from the other side, that men CAN change. We often don't think about the consequences of our actions beforehand. If we did, there would be less hurt women and children in the world.

I do know this. Because of this incident, I will never - EVER - hurt anyone like that again. The utter devastation in her eyes shook me to the core. I never will inflict that much hurt on anyone again. Regardless if we stay together or not.

Marty

 

[Just4Jesus]

Hello all!

I am still here, and still working on things. The biggest struggle right now is what to do with the bad feelings that I inevitably fight every day. I do not want to tell my husband what is hurting me because I don't feel he needs to have his past mistakes thrown in his face constantly, BUT I am still dealing with the residual pain, fear, and grief constantly. We have been reconciled about 6 months but I lived through many years of lies and infidelity. The husband I have now is truly different, I can see it and feel it in so many ways. I just wish I could get my own emotions under control. I keep it all in and try to push the bad thoughts and feelings aside but it does affect my mood at times. Many times my DH will ask me if something is wrong or what is on my mind and I always tell him I am fine. I am not, but how am I to tell him? I feel dishonest yet I don't know a better approach. If I am constantly reminding him of how much he hurt me then he is not going to find me terribly pleasant to be around and I don't want that. Also, I can honestly say that he is doing everything he can short of having a time machine to make things right. I really can't think of anything else he could do to help me more. I just wish I could get a grip!! We spend tons of quality time together. We do not fight or argue. We have made so many changes! It is just so frustrating that in the middle of an otherwise wonderful day I can get slapped with a thought or memory that that ruins everything for me. It is so frustrating that after a fantastic day, even after beautiful "personal time" together I can fall asleep only to wake up hours later shaking and crying from another of the persistent nightmares.

I guess I am just venting a bit... however if anyone has any practical advice as to how to move through this mess please do share! Especially if anyone has any insight into whether to share or not share this situation with my DH.

I hope everyone is having a sunny day!
Joy

I just wanna give you a hug from the heart&#9829;