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Supposed to be single?

Discussion in 'Mature Singles' started by believenolies, Dec 14, 2009.

  1. I almost never even visit this section of the forum, but for whatever reason decided to today. Never intended to post here, but reading some of the other members' questions got me thinking about my own life.

    Here's the deal in a nutshell: I'm 39, single, female, never married. Never even really been in a relationship. While there have been times that I wanted to be in a loving relationship, I have never, ever had any desire for sex. Ever.

    Needless to say, I've never had sex, and don't care one bit. I don't crave it or think much about it at all. But that doesn't mean that I've never been "in love" or felt any attraction toward members of the opposite sex- just that I don't desire that specific part of a relationship.

    This leaves me confused about what God expects from me. I am perfectly happy being single most of the time. But sometimes I wish there was someone special in my life. To make matters worse are those who pile guilt trips on (mostly women) Christian singles who aren't married, because we're supposed to "be fruitful and multiply!"

    You can't marry if there's no one for you to marry! The closest I ever came to marriage was with a creepy guy who, in spite of being a so-called Christian, stalked, belittled, and tried to control me. He also nearly raped me. I didn't love him. I didn't even like him. But my mother became friends with him and kept encouraging him to hang around me. I was terrified of him!

    Also, up until just a few months ago I was a full-time caregiver to my mother, until she passed away. I believe I was doing what God wanted me to do- take care of her. Had I been married, that wouldn't have been possible to the extent that I did it.

    So what would you think, if you were in this situation? Am I meant to be single, or if "the right person" comes into my life (as if!) would marriage be wrong for me, since I have virtually no sexual desire? It would seem to be unfair to a partner, wouldn't it?
     
  2. hope_is_last_to_die

    hope_is_last_to_die what, where, who, when, whatever????

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    Seems to me that you have been given the gift of "singleness" but of course this doesnt mean that you dont desire companionship. However for marriage there must be a God given desire for complete intimacy. As I understand it, God gives men and women the gift of "singleness" for a reason. He has a ministry for such a person that cant be fulfilled in a marriage relationship. Of course it is also possible that if you were to meet the "right" man then you might develop a godly desire for him, for a complete intimate relationship. A lotta if's but such is life we dont have it all worked out or do we?
     
  3. amthorn

    amthorn Newbie

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    Hello, I agree that this is a gift. Many people waste their lives away looking for "the one", giving away their bodies freely, never realizing that "the one" is Jesus! You might be meant for a higher purpose. Yes, it is lonely and I myself, while I've had many relationships and been with several women, I consider all of these acts to be sinful (although I've gained a beautiful daughter from it all, after all we are all conceived in sin). I think that if you can accept this lot in life you will find a satisfaction no man will ever be able to give you.

    If the intimacy is something you crave, then you might try praying to Him to bring you the one who will give you mortal love, such as it is. There are men out there who can't have sex, due to handicaps or illnesses, who still crave the companionship of a woman. There is much more to intimacy than the physical sexual act, and God would not have given us these feelings if we are not meant to express them in some way, or at least channel them.

    At least, such is my opinion :)
     
  4. Thanks for your replies! Good answers...and I also entertain the idea that maybe I was meant to be single for a time, but perhaps it's not a life-long thing. I've heard others say things like that.

    Oh well, if "Mr. Right" comes into my life and it's meant to be, then God will make me want to be with him, as you said. In the meantime, I'm good.
     
  5. dayhiker

    dayhiker Mature veteran

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    Hi believenolies,
    Welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.
    I think you can enter a relationship with a man for companionship. Women are also there for freindship. I'd say for you to be honest with the guy about you lack of sexual desire. As men get older a larger precent also aren't interested in sex. So you might want to find one of them.

    The other thing to consider is that you haven't turned on your sexual nature so to speak. I'd heard of people not being interested till they meet the right person. Once they had sex and started to explore their sexuality it became quite important to them. That's some people, not all.

    I don't think there is a definitive answer unless God speaks to you. So keep walking with Jesus.

    dayhiker
     
  6. cowboysfan1970

    cowboysfan1970 Forum Regular

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    You and I are very similar here. The biggest difference is that for most of my life I did consider myself to be celibate. The problem is that I discovered not too long ago that I had been wrong about that. I had misunderstood the nature of celibacy. From my personal experience I can tell you that if you are truly called to be celibate it's a decision and way of life that you just know without a doubt is meant for you and you wouldn't trade it for anything else. What caused me to realize that I wasn't made for it is I realized that I had been fighting it all along and lying to myself that it was something that I was cut out for. One day I finally realized that if I was intended to be celibate that I wouldn't have been having so much trouble with it. One of the biggest signs that you are called to celibacy is that you have no desire to have any type of intimate or romantic relationship with anyone. If you ever do then I would seriously advise you to reconsider it. Also, many people today (including Christians) don't think very highly of celibacy and will treat a celibate or single person over a certain age with a large degree of suspicion or just think that they are pathetic, a loser, things like that, and will put you down behind your back. A lot of people only give lip service to celibacy being a noble calling so you need to have a decent amount of self esteem to counter some of the stuff you will get from some people.

    A real and loving relationship doesn't really have to have sex to be good, and true and perfect love can exist without it. But, if you don't have any interest and he does then it just won't work. That would be putting an unreasonable and unfair expectation on him and it won't end well. Make sure that a man you are interested in either has no sex drive either or it's low enough that not having it won't be a problem for him.
     
  7. HisW0rd

    HisW0rd Being a mom is God's gift 2 me

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    You are blessed! Truly because I truly feel in my heart that because of my sexual abusive past it led me to do things I didn't want to do. I don't know why I did them and it saddens me because now I've been raped and the result of that, I am pregnant. I felt like if my family wasnt so dysfunctional and taught me better, I would of loved and cared for myself better. I wouldnt be curious about men and wouldnt want that love. Now that I am 11 weeks pregnant, I made a dedication to celibacy for life and to never be married. I am always at peace more when I am alone. It has its bad days but I dont worry about them. We all have to sacrifice something. It just hurts that I've destroyed my future and my childs
     
  8. memoriesbymichelle

    memoriesbymichelle Senior Veteran

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    Wow Im so sorry about what has happened to you, but curious to why you would say you've destroyed your future and your child's? God has a plan and a purpose for everything in our lives and can even use what was meant for evil for good. He has allowed you to be in this place at this time, and you are recognizing Him there as you have peace being alone (with Him). I would say to you, that you do not know exactly what the future holds and if you think you do, you severly limit God's abilities and power. Meditate on the Word of God and ask him what he wants you to learn from this and let the Holy spirit guide you to walk in His will and His ways and you will be amazed years from now to reflect on all God has done in your life and the life of your child.
     
  9. Trg2folG

    Trg2folG Newbie

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  10. memoriesbymichelle

    memoriesbymichelle Senior Veteran

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    Well there is no where that it says in the Bible that everyone should have a mate either. It actually says in 1 Corinthians that in Paul's opinion it would be better for them if they remain unmarried, but if they cannot exercise self control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8,9).
    We need to remember that although we are human, we were created for God's purposes, not the other way around. No where is it promised that we will receive everything we want in life if we are Christian. I think whenever we dwell on that which we do not have, yet want, it will cause us trouble. We should be focusing on what God's purpose for our lives are, and if it includes a spouse, God will provide. We are also told in the Bible to be content in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in (Philippians 4:11). When our focus is on ourselves and what we want, we will always be disappointed because we always want more of something or less of something or something different. We should focus on what God wants to do thru us, and if that brings us a mate, how wonderful, but if it does not, we need to be content that we are doing the Lord's work regardless and He will bless us as He sees fit.
     
  11. Trg2folG

    Trg2folG Newbie

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    Let me get this straight now. I'm selfish ,weak have no self control do what I want and not what God wants. And all of this because I am seeking a wife. Well first of all God doesn't need to say anything about it (because He created Eve). That is all I need. And (what I want) I happen to know that I could bring a whole lot of happiness to someone out there. Love is caring for someone else more than you care for yourself (in my opiuon) um Is that being selfish?. We get in trouble when we want something? What is that? Do you know where we would be if everyone thought that. And where would we be if everybody simply waited for the Lord to throw someone in they're lap and yes you better believe i trust the Lord to direct me to the right person. It is this vary way of thinking is why guys are scared to death to even try to be with someone. They are scared to death of letters and words just like you have written here. You wanna make me feel like I am weak .....are you kidding me? I still believe in love and all that comes with it. And gezzz where does it say that life has to be a chore when you become a child of God??? I happen to believe that God wants us to be happy. And you have NO right to judge me and act like I am not doin what God wants me to do. Love and forgiveness. Try it sometimes.
     
  12. memoriesbymichelle

    memoriesbymichelle Senior Veteran

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    Wow! That is about all I can say at this. Where in my post did I say anything about you being selfish or anything else? And never did I suggest that you shouldn't look for or desire or have a wife. And I never said you should wait until the Lord drops someone in your lap either. All I meant was that sometimes some of us (not you maybe but people I know and myself even) tend to put our wants in the fore front of our mind instead of trusting for it to happen in the Lord's timing and possibly when you least expect it (which is usually when the Lord blesses me). Every time in the Bible stories that I have read, when someone, whether it be David or Abraham, when man tries to "make things happen" or make things right it usually doesn't work out. And when (and if) people can get to the conclusion that they can trust that God will work it out for them, they can have peace in whatever stage they find themselves in. It IS hard, and I HAVE had love and I also have lost love. My husband died after 25 years of marriage because of cancer. It will be 5 years later this month. And I STILL long for him, or for someone to love me in this life!!! BUT so far, God has not seen fit to allow anyone to come across my path that was interested in me, or visa versa. So I have loved and lost and long to love again, BUT.....I choose to be content with where I am now and IF I meet someone, GREAT and IF I don't, great! So your post seemed kinda defensive to me, when it was not my intent, nor did I attack you in my post. I was speaking generally, trying to be encouraging. Sorry you took it the wrong way. I just feel FOR ME ANYWAY, it's best I don't TRY to help God find me someone. I can just sense FOR ME it would spell nothing but trouble. BUT if I meet someone today or tomorrow or next year, I would be open to exploring a relationship at that time, if the opportunity arises.
    Anyway, once again, sorry you felt the need to be defensive or whatever. I truly meant no harm.
     
  13. Trg2folG

    Trg2folG Newbie

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    Yes you are correct. I did get to defensive. Guess I have more baggage than I thought. I'll have to pray about that. Have a good night.
     
  14. memoriesbymichelle

    memoriesbymichelle Senior Veteran

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    Hey no worries. Some days when I come here and I want to be serious, all I see are threads that are just plain silly and it irks me. And some days I want advice and I get the same feeling "Just love God and He will take care of you" and sometimes we need different answers I guess. So for me, sometimes my mood reflects how I post and it's really hard so show emotions accurately in typed words. At least you were kind enough to post a reply. So now back on topic are we meant to be single? Only God knows for sure (sorry I couldn't help myself) :wave:
     
  15. panjelina

    panjelina Newbie

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    Well there is no where that it says in the Bible that everyone should have a mate either. It actually says in 1 Corinthians that in Paul's opinion it would be better for them if they remain unmarried, but if they cannot exercise self control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1 Corinthians 7:8,9).
    We need to remember that although we are human, we were created for God's purposes, not the other way around. No where is it promised that we will receive everything we want in life if we are Christian. I think whenever we dwell on that which we do not have, yet want, it will cause us trouble. We should be focusing on what God's purpose for our lives are, and if it includes a spouse, God will provide. We are also told in the Bible to be content in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in (Philippians 4:11). When our focus is on ourselves and what we want, we will always be disappointed because we always want more of something or less of something or something different. We should focus on what God wants to do thru us, and if that brings us a mate, how wonderful, but if it does not, we need to be content that we are doing the Lord's work regardless and He will bless us as He sees fit.


    AMEN!!! Very well said! This was very encouraging to me! I think one of the most important things you said in this post was We need to remember that although we are human, we were created for God's purposes, not the other way around. No where is it promised that we will receive everything we want in life if we are Christian. I think whenever we dwell on that which we do not have, yet want, it will cause us trouble. We should be focusing on what God's purpose for our lives are, and if it includes a spouse, God will provide. We are also told in the Bible to be content in whatever circumstances we find ourselves in (Philippians 4:11). SO very VERY important, and so very true. Its funny how right there in scripture it tells us how to live our lives, and yet we are all running around trying to figure out how to make things exactly how we think they should be, mostly bc of pressures of society around us. If it was the norm to remain single, we would have no problem with being single, but since it is the norm to marry, then we are all running around wanting that. Some are very blessed to have a single life. I am 30 and still single, and have wanted to find a husband for a long time. I recently started talking to a man I met online, and as I was talking to him, realized I enjoyed my single life. I have the sexual desires, unlike the woman above, but as for now, I believe its about waiting on the Lord and being contient in where I am! So whatyou said is very important! Be where God has you, not where you want to put yourself.
     
    memoriesbymichelle likes this.
  16. memoriesbymichelle

    memoriesbymichelle Senior Veteran

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    Be where God has you, not where you want to put yourself.

    Best part of the last post! If only we could all do this easily lol.
     
  17. panjelina

    panjelina Newbie

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    yeah NO kidding! UHG!!! lol :) The funny thing is, we would be just as happy, if not more happy, if we just gave in and was content where He has us...why does it have to be so hard!
     
  18. memoriesbymichelle

    memoriesbymichelle Senior Veteran

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    I going with we'd be more happy! And it doesn't have to be so hard. We are the ones that make it that way most of the time, right?
     
  19. Trg2folG

    Trg2folG Newbie

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    Well this post is ancient for one thing. But I do believe like it says that He put Eve on this earth to comfort and be with us and to compulate. But guess your right bout if He dont want ya to be with someone then you want be. It is way to late for me I just thought I would give some of these poor guys a little hope after all it is the Guys the have to take the anicative to make the moves but most of us have been so hurt that we havent got it in us anymore period.