Support Thread for partners recovering from Sexual Abuse

[gnine]

I thought that I'd start a thread for partners and spouses of sexual abuse victims, as you are right in the hot seat when it comes to how your partner/spouse copes and recovers from the experience. Also I didn't want to interfere with the other threads on sexual abuse; I thought that it would be best not to divide the exceptionally important conversations taking place on that one.

As the husband of an abuse victim, I know that it is not easy and there are probably times when it all seems too hard. I used to pour it all out onto the pages of my electronic diary, and I remember how hard it was to get support because you're dealing with someone else's wounded soul and you so desperately don't want to make the situation worse.

I'm not going to go into details about my wife's abused past, other than it was sexual, over a long period and from family members under the same roof as a teenager.

Below is an extract from my diary, about mid 1997, I felt like the proverbial bull in a china shop - clumsy, hurt at how I was being treated, angry at her, self pitying of myself, scared of what the future might hold if I married this dreadfully scarred person, but above all, just so confused and helpless.

Flinching from photographs...

[edited]





[girlfriend - now wife... lets call her "B"] mentions that going to the dentist is very hard for her. Think about this and be horrified.



Tursday



I take Tuesday off - it is a bright sunny but cold day. After vomiting from emotion In the shower, I decide that I cant face work today. After [flatmate] has left I sit on the lounge and cry, and cry. I howl out in angish to God, I don’t want to hurt "B". “I Don’t want to hurt her! I don’t want to hurt her!”

A ray of sunshine comes through at a narrow angle, so precise that it only lasts for 30 seconds or so before the angles dont line up and it is lost. The beam of light plays around my face - warming it and surely glistening on my tears. I think I feel the love of God touch me, I am anxious to stay in the beam of light but it moves lower and then disappears, I feel better for some reason.

I so badly don’t want to hurt her, any pain I unintensionally inflicht on her causes me unbeliveably anguish. I understand what David means when her says that he feels weak in his bones. While lying in bed, I barely have the energy to move my limbs - I feel like a crushed bug.


I pray in desperation - I am too weak to continue and I pray that God will strengen me. I go for a walk to Manly via the Spit walk, joining it half way, as per usual. I sit on the Manly sea wall. I request permission to be let into St Mathews church and pray hard for I don’t know how long, but it would be 45 minutes to an hour or so.



Thursday night



I cant go on like this - the burden is becomming too heavy to lift and I can feel muself gradually being crushed as the week progresses. I need support.



"A" calls and wants to know whether should have a chat tonight - I accept with relief. I discrose the entire business to him.

Happy to say that those dark days are well behind us now - we are happily married and God has richly blessed us with each other. Shortly we expect to welcome our first child into our family and both of us are looking forward to the excitement of raising children in the Lord. But she will never be someone who wasn't abused - part of her psyche has been changed and will not be restored until Christ restores all things.

I'm sure that somehow the difficulties that we were forced to confront and overcome have ultimately drawn us closer together rather than forced us apart. But you will need to work at it and possibly learn to love sacrificially like you never would have believed possible. I'm here to encourage you that God can bring good even from evil circumstances and that He may have something wonderful in store for you - and I've certainly learned a thing or two (and still are) in the process.

But if you're struggling at the moment and you need a helping hand... this is your thread:

 

[gnine]

Hi,

I'll bump this once and see there is anyone who responds, if not, I'll let it sink.

Blessings for all.

 

[Godsgirl481]

I'm not the spouse of an abuse victim...I am the abuse victim. It seems to me that guys don't want to get involved with someone that has been abused. I tend to have relationships for a few months...and then they get tired of dealing with it. Anyways...I know that's not what this thread is about...but I thought I'd respond anyways

 

[jojobear1998]

i too am the abusee and not the spouse of one. I wish my husband would read what you wrote because right now we are at our breaking point. I cant handle the stress of confronting the abuse. Then whenever any other stress comes I have totally been a nutcase and he is the first person available to alsh at. WEll today he decided that he was tired of so we are now getting divorced. I know you guys will never understand the trauma for us but I wish more men and women spouses would talk to see there is a bright side.

MNy husband thinks I am a lunatic and I can control all this. He seems to think it is easy. If more people were like you and honest that it is hard but it can bring joy through the pain... then maybe so may marriages wouldn't end.

It is so hard to be abused once... and then because of having to cope with the abuse you lose the partner you so desperately need. When abuse occurs it doesn't just affect the person it happened to. It affects everyone in contact with that person too. And even though the abuse didnt happent to the spouse, having to help them through it can sometimes seem just as bad.

I commend you for your strength to speak up and I really pray that people will respond to you so as to save some marriages.

 

[gnine]

Hi Bams481 and JoJoBear,

I had a longish reply all typed out, and then my PC crashed... I'll redo but this will be a bit briefer, as its getting late here.

JoJoBear... do you think you could get your husband onto this thread? I think that its important that he respond directly, otherwise if I give advice to him via you, then its likely to be ignored and might be taken the wrong way.

The other thing that I've seen in my wife heaps, and I think that most abuse survivors stuggle with, is that sometimes its hard for them to tell when the line between being reasonable and unreasonable is crossed - both in their behaviour and also in another persons.

although I'm ashamed to say it, at times its very easy to exploit this in my wife if we are having an argument. By exploiting it, I can "win" the argument by infecting her with self doubt and wash my hands of any resposibility. My point is, don't assume that the fault lies solely with you.

You're right that the consequences of abuse do affect your partner - but his reaction might not always be innocent suffering on his part, or even justifiable reactions. It might also be malignancy towards you - please be aware of this, but also be aware that it is the reaction of a sinful person in the same way you are a sinner.

The hard thing (I suspect) for many abuse survivors is establishing that reference point that allows one to tell the difference.

I think it would be good if he got onto this thread.

It seems to me that guys don't want to get involved with someone that has been abused.

I'd need to speak quite frankly to answer this observation. If its more than a rhetorical question, I can have a go at giving you a male perspective... let me know.

I will pray for both of you that God will heal wounded relationships and provide wonderful companions for you to enjoy.

 

[Godsgirl481]

There is so much that I am dealing with because of the abuse...and the fear to be touched (and of guys in general) is a huge problem for people. I know there is a guy out there for me that can handle this with me...but I also know that God doesn't want me to find them yet. Ever since I was really little, I get involved way too far way too fast (cause it makes me feel loved) and God wants me to get better first....and look at Him first. I am glad you started this thread and hope spouses get involved it in....because so many people don't know how to deal with this...so many guys don't even want to hear it. Billy's response to it was to act like it never happened...I was not allowed to talk about it, refer to it or he would get really mad at me. It would be awesome to have a guy in my life that is supportive...and would show me another way besides abuse but that is just not reality

 

[gnine]

so many guys don't even want to hear it. Billy's response to it was to act like it never happened...I was not allowed to talk about it, refer to it or he would get really mad at me. It would be awesome to have a guy in my life that is supportive...and would show me another way besides abuse but that is just not reality

I'm assuming that Billy was an ex of yours? I can sort of understand his perspective in that no male ever wants to think of their girl as having been with someone else, even non-abusively. When the relationship was abusive, its even harder to accept because its so wrong, and he doesn't want to think about it when he looks at you and at other times.

However. If he wasn't mature enough to accept that what happened was in no way your fault, and can't even bear to hear it, then I would think that there was little hope for a future together.

As hard as it was to hear about my wife's abusive past, it was necessary for me to hear it, accept it and demonstrate a commitment grow the relationship past the unpleasant history.

 

[EbonNelumbo]

This is the main reason I am so afraid to be in another relationship *besides the ovious of being hurt....again* I dont want a man to love me whom I will hurt

 

[Changed]

Hi gine-thanks for sharing your story! Does your wife have flasbacks while you guys are being close? How long did it take for this not to ruin your relationship? Is pure intimacy- without fear ever attained after? Please pm me if you don't feel comfortable sharing. Thanks

 

[gnine]

This is the main reason I am so afraid to be in another relationship *besides the ovious of being hurt....again* I dont want a man to love me whom I will hurt

Of course you'll hurt him - and he will hurt you. All relationships are like that - its part of being sinful and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship.

So I'd caution against trying to bear all of the responsibility for making the relationship work. When troubles come (which they will - abuse related or otherwise), both parties need to work at overcoming them. As I mentioned before, it seems common for abusees to have difficulty in discovering that difference between when someone's (inc partner's) behaviour has crossed that boundary between "reasonable" and "unreasonable".

"Billy" in the post above, was being unreasonable.

In my wife's and I's case, overcoming these adversities has made our relationship stronger and our understanding of each other has matured. There is little joy, security or point in only getting to know the facade of the person you married with them holding back an important part of themself, you need to know the whole package - faults, unpleasantries and all.


Remember that when Christ returns, you will see them, and they will see you, completely perfect and restored. Thats always something I look forward to.

 

[gnine]

Hi gine-thanks for sharing your story! Does your wife have flasbacks while you guys are being close? How long did it take for this not to ruin your relationship? Is pure intimacy- without fear ever attained after? Please pm me if you don't feel comfortable sharing. Thanks

I'll need to think carefully about this - I'll get back to you. I'm going on Xmas holidays soon, so it could be a while.

Peace and Christmas blessings to you all!Have a great Christmas - weather sure is hot here. Might be spending a bit of time at the beach I reckon.

 

[Godsgirl481]

I had flashbacks while having sex with a guy. I still do...I have to numb myself...and sometimes, I would pretend I was doing it myself, instead of a guy being there...it helped a lot. I can't be naked in front of anyone either...causes problems

 

[gnine]

I had flashbacks while having sex with a guy. I still do...I have to numb myself...and sometimes, I would pretend I was doing it myself, instead of a guy being there...it helped a lot. I can't be naked in front of anyone either...causes problems

Bams, I'm not going to condemn you for situations that you've probably been in since you've become sexually experienced.


But assuming that you're not married, then having sex with anyone at the moment is going to be a really, really, really bad idea. Especially for you - I suspect that deep down, you know that already.

1 Cor 6
18Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

The theological argument is long winded, but it is surprising how many young Christians don't realise that sex before marriage violates and marrs the very image of God within you - and it will exact a toll on you in a slightly different way from all other sins.

Because God's spirit lives inside of you, when you misuse you're body, you damage God's dwelling place within and harm yourself, grieve God, stain His image inside of you and limit His effectiveness in your life in ways that you might not understand - typically it will permanently harm your relationship with others and even with yourself (that is what makes sexual abuse so devastating).

Misery, addiction, drugs, mental illness and ultimately death lies down the road of sexual immorality. Please be strong and don't take it, no matter how appealing it looks (and it does appeal to all of us at times).


Some things to take on board are:
1. Don't have sex with anyone before you're married
2. Don't date guys who want to have sex with you before you're married - if they can't wait, then they're no good and you should end the relationship.
3. Don't date non Christian guys - one application of

2Cor6:14


Do Not Be Yoked With Unbelievers

14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

4. PRAY!
Are you a bad prayer? Don't worry about it, do it anyway, because the Holy spirit will help you

http://bible.gospelcom.net/passage/?search=Romans 8:26&version=31

Romans 8:26
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Perhaps next time you feel lost, think of Romans 8:26 and then turn your mind towards Him. Don't pressure yourself to do anything else, for the time being don't worry about saying anything - just be quiet and listen. The words will come soon enough.


I hope that I don't sound too confronting. It is important that some of the world's BS is dealt with in a clear and ringing affirmation of God's message in the bible, so that there can be no doubt and no confusion.

Strive for Godly wisdom and don't be tricked.

Prov4

6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;

love her, and she will watch over you.

7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.

Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

8 Esteem her, and she will exalt you;

embrace her, and she will honor you.

Part of being wise is sometimes to listen to the bible and follow it, even if it doesn't feel as good. The wisdom of the bible often takes years to show its good fruit, but it will immediately protect you from harm.




Do you go to a church? The right church could make a lot of difference.

 

[Changed]

Bams, I'm not going to condemn you for situations that you've probably been in since you've become sexually experienced.


But assuming that you're not married, then having sex with anyone at the moment is going to be a really, really, really bad idea. Especially for you - I suspect that deep down, you know that already.




The theological argument is long winded, but it is surprising how many young Christians don't realise that sex before marriage violates and marrs the very image of God within you - and it will exact a toll on you in a slightly different way from all other sins.

Because God's spirit lives inside of you, when you misuse you're body, you damage God's dwelling place within and harm yourself, grieve God, stain His image inside of you and limit His effectiveness in your life in ways that you might not understand - typically it will permanently harm your relationship with others and even with yourself (that is what makes sexual abuse so devastating).

Misery, addiction, drugs, mental illness and ultimately death lies down the road of sexual immorality. Please be strong and don't take it, no matter how appealing it looks (and it does appeal to all of us at times).


Some things to take on board are:
1. Don't have sex with anyone before you're married
2. Don't date guys who want to have sex with you before you're married - if they can't wait, then they're no good and you should end the relationship.
3. Don't date non Christian guys - one application of



4. PRAY!
Are you a bad prayer? Don't worry about it, do it anyway, because the Holy spirit will help you


Perhaps next time you feel lost, think of Romans 8:26 and then turn your mind towards Him. Don't pressure yourself to do anything else, for the time being don't worry about saying anything - just be quiet and listen. The words will come soon enough.


I hope that I don't sound too confronting. It is important that some of the world's BS is dealt with in a clear and ringing affirmation of God's message in the bible, so that there can be no doubt and no confusion.

Strive for Godly wisdom and don't be tricked.





Part of being wise is sometimes to listen to the bible and follow it, even if it doesn't feel as good. The wisdom of the bible often takes years to show its good fruit, but it will immediately protect you from harm.




Do you go to a church? The right church could make a lot of difference.

I wholeheartedly agree with gnine post!

 

[Godsgirl481]

sex is something I don't know if I can give up...it's a STRONG pull...I can replace drugs with sex...I can replace anything with sex. I know it's not good....just hard to say no. I am trying to....say no to guys at least (that sounded bad, say no to people) so I am doing better. Anyways, I probably can't go into detail here, will probably get in trouble

 

[Godsgirl481]

Do you go to a church? The right church could make a lot of difference.

I don't go to church right now....actually I don't really go anywhere (unless friends from work convince to go out and party) but when I get back to Kansas, I will be going to my old church. Church scares me...people scare me...but in groups they terrify me...so unless people that I know go with me...I have a hard time going to church. In Kansas, when I went alone, I had bad panic attacks....and i threw up on the pastor's shoes when he tried to put his arm around me....from then on, I arrived late, sat hidden in the back and left before the last prayer was said. It worked out cause no one tried to touch me, and I could still go to church