Suicidal thoughts due to husband's inappropriate content addiction

chaz345

Well-Known Member
Dec 14, 2005
17,453
668
57
✟20,724.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Republican
Advice that is different is not necessarily "opposite" or not Christlike. And sometimes it takes more than some think is necessary in order to get this addiction COMPLETELY in the past. And, yes...COMPLETELY...IS possible. It does not need to be a lingering problem that although it has improved is still characterized by "expected" and tolerated relapses here and there. If relapses wouldn't be tolerated with an alcoholic or heroin addict than the same can and should be expected from a sex addict, IMO. Complete freedom IS totally possible and should be the goal. Settling for less is selling everybody short. My counselor once said, "The higher you set your expectations for him the better he'll do." Boy, was she right! The previous years of low expectations paid off with exactly what we expected of my h. Now, I do not expect relapses nor require myself to tolerate them because I know that my h can do far better than that through Christ!...and I believe the same is true of anyone who needs to make a major life change/break the chains of addiction.

Peckaboo, I hope this is the start of a complete change for you guys. :) Don't forget that anything is possible with God, and faith can move mountains.

Not sure why that's addressed to me since what you are talking about bears zero resemblance to anything I've ever said about relapses and addiction recovery.
 
Upvote 0

peckaboo

Newbie
Jul 11, 2011
394
33
England
✟8,184.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Whoa. How does you being "tempted to flirt with a guy in a bar" make him feel? Are you actually in the bar being tempted or are you tempted to go into a bar to flirt with a guy?

We set some boundaries before we got married to try and avoid this kind of situation as much as possibe. One is for neither of us to go to a bar on our own, another is for neither of us to go anywhere, even for coffee at starbuck, with just one other person of the opposite sex.

He also knows that if I am approached by a guy somewhere, I put the phrase "my husband" into the conversation within about three sentences, even if it's a ridiculously tenuous connection like "oh, well speaking of gangsta rap, my husband's dad's in a folk band!" lol. Sometimes that makes me look pretty stupid, but I do it because I know that that's an area of potential temptation for me, so I have to establish straight away that there's a line that we're not going to cross.

But you're right, knowing that I'm sometimes tempted by other men doesn't make him feel particularly great. But I hope the fact that he knows I take active steps to avoid that temptation makes him feel more secure that I'm being faithful to him.
 
Upvote 0

peckaboo

Newbie
Jul 11, 2011
394
33
England
✟8,184.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Do you have the book "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie OMartian? I know I keep hashing on this point. If you don't have it either let me send you a copy or get it right away. The prayers in it are extremely helpful and I have watched my husband turn from night into day with God's help.

So far when I have prayed to God.

My husband recognized he had a problem.
Took a test which confirmed it.
Is going to marriage counseling with me.
Agreed to get a filter for his computer.
Is looking for an accountability partner to help.
Went to church with me on Sunday.

And came closer than he ever has to taking Jesus Christ as his Savior.

We have much work to do in the future. I still don't trust him, but everyday is getting better.

Stay in faith and pray. Listen to God when he tells you to keep silent or to speak.

Blessings on you both. I keep you in my prayers everyday and night.

Oh I'm so glad you mentioned this! I saw this book at my sister's house a couple weeks ago, and flicked through it and thought to myself "oh I should get a copy of this"... then promptly forgot about it :doh:But I've ordered one today!

I'm glad things are getting better for you and your husband. I'm so sorry that you've had to go through such a difficult time. Thank you for your prayers. I think they're helping :)

He absolutely does need an accountability partner other than or in addition to you. From what you've described about how this is affecting you, I would be very much against the idea of you being his main accountability partner. Obviously he needs to be as open and honest and transparent as you need him to be, but in my opinion from what you've described, the level that would work for you is not what's needed in a primary accountability partner.

The more I think about this, the more I realise that I probably don't really understand just what an accountability partner is... I hear the term a lot, and think I've even used it myself, but what exactly does it involve?

Thank you to all of you for being such a great encouragement to me! :hug:
 
Upvote 0

chaz345

Well-Known Member
Dec 14, 2005
17,453
668
57
✟20,724.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Republican
The more I think about this, the more I realise that I probably don't really understand just what an accountability partner is... I hear the term a lot, and think I've even used it myself, but what exactly does it involve?

Thank you to all of you for being such a great encouragement to me! :hug:

Accountability partner is someone who can listen to detailed confessions of temptations and how he either faced them down or gave in to them. That needs to be on a weekly or more frequent basis. It also needs to be someone who will ask tough questions. Someone who understands the tactic of minimizing "hey it wasn't really all that bad" types of thinking and who will call him on it. Another reason that it's good if such a person is not the spouse is that there is less fear of a) personally hurting them and b) making them angry to the point where things are unpleasant.

Again, I'm not suggesting that anything be hidden from you. But over the course of his recovery, there will be hundreds, if not thousands of things that go on in his mind that you really don't want to be dealing with on a daily basis but that need to be verbalized by him in order to understand and beat his addiction.

Addiction recovery is not, as many seem to think, primarily about stopping a problematic behavior. Yes obviously the behavior needs to stop, but if the focus is primarily on that, then it will eventually be replaced by something else. The main focus needs to be on understanding what's driving the addiction, and finding a healthy alternative coping mechanism. And on understanding the process that goes on in his head from pain to temptation to acting out. Contrary to what some seem to think it's not a freely made decision. It is very much a programmed instinctive response that happens on the same level as the fight or flight response. No, I'm not saying it's normal or that he has NO choice. But the choice, rather than being a simple "just stop", is more one of learning, over time, what triggers the response and how to choose differently when the triggers happen. It takes time to "reprogram" that response which is why this, or any addiction recovery, is about more than just choosing to stop.
 
Upvote 0

mkgal1

His perfect way sets me free. 2 Samuel 22:33
Supporter
Jun 22, 2007
27,339
7,349
California
✟551,233.00
Faith
Anglican
Marital Status
Married
These CDs may be of help to you, Peckaboo:

Here's the description of one:

Couples Recovery 101



Few issues strain a coupleship like sexual addiction and co-addiction. Couples need guidance regarding disclosure, abstinence, rebuilding trust, and healthy sexuality. For healing to take place, each spouse must each develop compassion for the other’s woundedness and accept responsibility for his/her part in their unhealthy relationship cycle. Presented at the 2007 Breaking the Bonds of Sexual Addiction – Training for Professionals and Pastors. Appropriate for professionals as well as recovering people

CDs for Recovery » Types of Products » Bethesda Workshops
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
H

hijklmnop

Guest
The more I think about this, the more I realise that I probably don't really understand just what an accountability partner is... I hear the term a lot, and think I've even used it myself, but what exactly does it involve?

Thank you to all of you for being such a great encouragement to me! :hug:

Simply put, it's a man who can be there for your h whenever he needs someone in this regard. Someone he trusts and respects and who he can share all his struggles and victories with. Someone who is strong in his faith and will hold your h's feet to the fire with honesty if need be. I don't think it's healthy for the person being hurt (you) to be someone responsible for holding your husband accountable beyond what decisions you'll need to make if he doesn't kick the habit. But everybody has to make the how-much-do-I-want-to-know call for themselves. Based on how much his actions have hurt you thus far, I don't recommend him telling you every slip and every struggle unless you need to know for consequence's sake. For example, my h shares how he's doing with his sponsor and accountability partner. I don't want to know when he's tempted, but I do want to know if he ever acts out again....so I can decide what I want to do in regards to our relationship. That's my line.
 
Upvote 0

LovedSparrow

One Day at a Time
Jun 22, 2011
381
10
✟8,088.00
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Peckaboo,
If it's okay, I wanted to recommend a book to you. It's "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker. It is a book geared toward a man but they have sections for wives.

It explains that men lust, but still can be attracted to their wives (though as women, I can't wrap my mind around this one). It gives insight as to what men experience with lust, and it may help you understand a little. It gives tips for wives too.

My husband has Covenant Eyes, a website tracking software that sends e-mails to his accountability partner for possible inappropriate content use. They have a free e-book (Restoring Marriages after inappropriate content) that you can download here: Hope After inappropriate content | Covenant Eyes

Forgive me if my post wasn't helpful. I don't want to throw a book at you, but I found it helpful to read the book and try not to take it personally (but it is so so so so so hard not to). It's helped him to be in a mens' group that did a study on sex addiction, and he has many men he can call to keep him accountable.

I'm glad that you've chosen to share with us here. I hope it brings you a little comfort knowing we care about you!
LovedSparrow

P.S. Here's an excerpt that was helpful:

"Once Ryan and I were speaking again, we shared the important lessons we had
learned. Ryan told me about the power of being accountable to other men. Although
Ryan firmly believes that he ultimately answers to God, it sure helps to be open and
honest with friends who agree that inappropriate contentography is destructive and who want the best
for him. He told me that he had downloaded Covenant Eyes Accountability software
on all of our computers and that a small group of men he trusted would receive full
reports of all his online activity. Until this point, I had been the one looking over Ryan’s
shoulder and “catching him” from time to time. It was exhausting, not to mention
humiliating. Now that his friends were by his side, I could step back and allow Ryan to
develop his own internal passion to resist temptation. You can imagine my relief."

If inappropriate contentography is a part of your life, you are
worth its removal, once and for all. Don’t tell yourself that it’s not so bad; don’t try to
overlook the offense; don’t use it to justify your own bad habits. Your hurt feelings are
completely valid. inappropriate contentography is insidious and destructive. No one is exempt from
its effects and no one can handle it well. When you married your husband, you both
vowed to “forsake all others.” When that vow is broken, hearts break, too.
Your husband is also worth its removal. When a man walks in daily victory over
inappropriate contentography, he literally becomes a different man. His face, body, and stature become
more manly than ever. His voice, attitude, and outlook lighten and brighten. He
experiences true and contented manhood because he doesn’t have to lie about his
time, struggles, or character. You might be furious at your husband right now, but
take a moment to catch a vision for the man he could be without the perversion of
inappropriate contentography weighing him down.

Do not be afraid to take action: exercise tough love and take a firm stand against
inappropriate contentography in your marriage.

Do not be afraid to let the light shine on your marriage, even if it is embarrassing,
uncomfortable, or frightening. In fact, the blazing light is a good sign: it means that
God is near and that He is at work in your lives.

You have every reason to believe that once inappropriate contentography is removed, you will be a new
woman with a new marriage to a new man."
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Stealth001

Seeker
Sep 8, 2011
546
15
✟15,792.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
In Relationship
Politics
US-Republican
Okay...

I'm a bit bothered by this thread. If a man said he had suicidal thoughts because his wife occasionally enjoys a long candle light bubble bath alone with a steamy romance novel... I'd think he had some serious control issues and needed psychological help.

Maybe I don't get it. We have shootings, wars, famines, numerous foreclosures, a very difficult job market, marriages serious abuse perpetrated upon a spouse and/or children... and there are women who have thoughts of killing themselves because their husbands struggle with this? I'm not a woman, so I'm not sure how it can affect a woman like that. I served in the Army for 8 years. My uncle retired from the Navy. I've seen men in their element being men, both the lighter and darker side of being men. Everything from a centerfold in the locker, to pin-ups over the rack, and of course the traditional unclad lady on the fuselage of a fighter plane. I assure you that these guys love their wives. It's just... we're guys. It happens. Christian men should try to avoid it. But, sometimes even Christian men struggle here.

I think a lot of folks are making a lot of money by cashing in on a relatively universal element of male humanity. And in the process... they are making women think their men are abnormal and should be controlled somehow.

Don't know... I understand it's a sin that should be confessed to the Lord and prayed about. I understand trying to abstain. But... like I said... if a woman enjoys a long bath with a romance novel... do I put her on lock down, monitor her internet, get her an accountability partner, monitor her books, her cell phone, her texts, her emails, pass word protect the computer, always ask her what she's been doing when I'm not around, ask her about every one of her friends, where she spent her money that day, etc.?

I mean, what gives? I'm not understanding all this. Help me out.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0

UK Fred

Newbie
Dec 4, 2011
130
9
✟15,306.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
Okay...

I'm a bit bothered by this thread. If a man said he had suicidal thoughts because his wife occasionally enjoys a long candle light bubble bath alone with a steamy romance novel... I'd think he had some serious control issues and needed psychological help.

The word that matters is "addiction"

Maybe I don't get it. We have shootings, wars, famines, numerous foreclosures, a very difficult job market, marriages serious abuse perpetrated upon a spouse and/or children... and there are women who have thoughts of killing themselves because their husbands struggle with this? I'm not a woman, so I'm not sure how it can affect a woman like that. I served in the Army for 8 years. My uncle retired from the Navy. I've seen men in their element being men, both the lighter and darker side of being men. Everything from a centerfold in the locker, to pin-ups over the rack, and of course the traditional unclad lady on the fuselage of a fighter plane. I assure you that these guys love their wives. It's just... we're guys. It happens. Christian men should try to avoid it. But, sometimes even Christian men struggle here.

Indeed they do. I have seen somewhere that a hotel chain reported that they have higher than average inappropriate content access when certain church conferences take place at their hotels. But internet inappropriate content is not the same as the old Playboy centrefold. Humans often have problems with self-image and wondering how attractivve they are. Re-touched films that eliminate the imperfections on the performers complexions, airbrushed photograpphs that make models look impossibly thin and similar 'tricks of the trade' all help to cause anxiety in women. Add to this the fact that her husband cannot get an erection with her, but she has seen him touch to inappropriate content on the computer and you have a major marriage problem coming along.

I think a lot of folks are making a lot of money by cashing in on a relatively universal element of male humanity. And in the process... they are making women think their men are abnormal and should be controlled somehow.

I am sure some are. But what about the women who are unable to have normal sexual relations with their husbands because the husband has been masturbating to internet inappropriate content (goes with the territory of watching) to such an extent that the husbands, in their 20's and 30's are suffering from inappropriate content-induced ED?

Don't know... I understand it's a sin that should be confessed to the Lord and prayed about. I understand trying to abstain. But... like I said... if a woman enjoys a long bath with a romance novel... do I put her on lock down, monitor her internet, get her an accountability partner, monitor her books, her cell phone, her texts, her emails, pass word protect the computer, always ask her what she's been doing when I'm not around, ask her about every one of her friends, where she spent her money that day, etc.?

There is a difference between an addiction and enjoying something. I enjoy an occasional beer IRL, but my friend Ian does not because Ian is an alcoholic. What wouod you say if your sahm wife spent all day when she was supposed to be keeping home reading her romance novel and never had any food ready, even when you were late getting in from work, naver did any housework or cleaning and laundry and had let the children go hungry all day so that she could get her fix?

I mean, what gives? I'm not understanding all this. Help me out.

Go read Marnia Robinson and/or Gary Wilson on Cupid's Poisoned Arrow to get the picture.

Peckaboo, it isn't 'nothing'. It is important for you and your husband to sort this out. Use all the resources you can get to work on it and please do not let othersd say "It's normal male behaviour."
 
Upvote 0

SharonL

Senior Veteran
Oct 15, 2005
9,957
1,099
Texas
Visit site
✟23,316.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
You will think this is crazy, but it is a true story. My daughter had some problems with a jerk she was married to, not the inappropriate content issue, but ran around on her from the first week of marriage - married 11 years with many problems - she called a pastor for some advice - he told her to use virgin olive oil and pray the sign of the cross over the door posts and windows and all around his bed and pillow. inappropriate content has a very direct line to evil and the evil will not cross the blood line. A demon had actually appeared in her home, of course her husband had direct lines to the devil. But after she prayed the Blood of Jesus over everything - she did not have any more problems - of course she didn't have the husband any more either which solved her problem. But all of this was kept secret from her until she did that and all the truth came forth to reveal exactly what her husband was into. The devil can't cross the Blood line.
 
Upvote 0

Stealth001

Seeker
Sep 8, 2011
546
15
✟15,792.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
In Relationship
Politics
US-Republican
The word that matters is "addiction"
Still, the same issue applies. My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I don’t remember my mom or anyone in the family feeling suicidal over it. Think about it. No matter what issue or addiction a spouse might face, suicide is a gross overreaction. In my opinion it indicates the possibility of more deeply set emotional issues. If my wife were “addicted” to romance novels or something of a more mature nature and depriving me of intimacy, we’d need counseling and I’d need to muster up the ability to forgive and try to understand her situation.
Indeed they do. I have seen somewhere that a hotel chain reported that they have higher than average inappropriate content access when certain church conferences take place at their hotels. But internet inappropriate content is not the same as the old Playboy centrefold. Humans often have problems with self-image and wondering how attractivve they are. Re-touched films that eliminate the imperfections on the performers complexions, airbrushed photograpphs that make models look impossibly thin and similar 'tricks of the trade' all help to cause anxiety in women.
I don’t doubt what hotel chains report. Human beings are human beings, even if they are in church. While a Christian should “sin less”, Christians aren’t “sinless”.
I don’t doubt that the media can contribute to a woman’s insecurity over her self image. However, I also think that people need to wake up and realize that it isn’t reality. We can’t control the media that much. However, we can govern ourselves as best we can. I’d say that if a woman starts to feel insecure about herself, she should see a counselor, pastor, or close friend to reassure her of reality. Also, I’ve had to accept that there are men taller than me, younger than me, stronger than me, more wealthy than me, that drive nicer cars than me, have more beautiful houses than I do, etc., etc. There will always be a more beautiful woman somewhere. The problem isn’t so much the media, it’s the heart of the individual that begins to feel suicidal and has “accepted” the false reality that the media peddles. Bad move. I mean… if I let the media define my self image…I’d be a mess.

Add to this the fact that her husband cannot get an erection with her, but she has seen him touch to inappropriate content on the computer and you have a major marriage problem coming along.
True that is a problem. However, is the problem can often be deeper than what’s on the surface. For example, a good friend of mine was discovered to be into this stuff. His wife went on the rampage. She even threatened divorce. She put him on lock down. He was being treated like a five year old in his own home. She regulated all his internet access. Had to allow his wife to monitor his email. She went through all his personal affects. He had to surrender his cell phone on demand. He had to report any activity that would cause him to deviate from his schedule. It was one of the most horrendous, humiliating, disrespectful situations I remember seeing. All of this was imposed on him because of “books” and materials she read on the subject. Eventually enough was enough. He is a man. He brings home the bacon. He works hard. He loves his wife. He loves his kids. He was simply struggling with a private sin. He left and demanded counseling. As it turns out… he had lost his mother just under a year before. He was having some serious issues with work stress. Working overtime, he had significant stress because he wasn’t as involved with his kids as he wanted to be. His wife didn’t work, so overtime was necessary whenever it was offered. Working overtime quite often, having compounding stress and being emotionally exhausted caused him to not feel “in the mood” or like being deeply “emotional” or “romantic”. Therefore, his love life with his wife was suffering. This led to fights and battles over bills, kids, romance, etc. So, when he was “in the mood”, his wife wasn’t because of all the fighting. When he lost his mother, it all began to slowly build to a breaking point. He began to retreat into an adolescent behavior to relieve stress. He retreated into a fantasy world where he was in control. He didn’t face the fear of denial. The women never said no to anything he enjoyed. He didn’t feel like a failure. He was desired, respected, and wanted. Now, we know that this is all an illusion. But the real issues aren’t the adult material. The real issues are the stress and deep emotional factors that caused him to retreat into his world where he felt like… a man. It’s like alcoholism. One of the things you have to do is face your inner demons. The things that make you feel helpless and afraid. The things that often drive you to retreat to a place of numbing or escaping the pain. Kids have even done this with Dungeons & Dragons games or video games when their home life is a disaster. Their counselor (I don’t know if he was Christian) strongly urged mutual RESPECT, UNDERSTANDING, and BOUNDERIES. The counselor also continued to work with him on the issues that he was facing that he felt helpless to confront. At first his wife was upset because the counselor strongly urged her to stop monitoring him and allow him to simply be. As it turned out, she had SERIOUS control issues that she had to face. She forgot that her husband was a human being, not property she owned. She also forgot the grace it takes to love a flawed human being. She realized that she was also treating him more like he was her son than like he was her husband.
My point is… addressing a man’s use of adult material may not be addressing the REAL issues.
I am sure some are. But what about the women who are unable to have normal sexual relations with their husbands because the husband has been masturbating to internet inappropriate content (goes with the territory of watching) to such an extent that the husbands, in their 20's and 30's are suffering from inappropriate content-induced ED?
Statistically, if adult material contributed to ED… the vast majority of men in America would be facing this issue. ED is something that is more deeply rooted in a man’s emotional center. It has more to do with his feeling secure, accepted, respected, desired, and ability to perform. Whittle away at this things, and a man will face ED even without adult material. Again, this is a sign of a far bigger issue. If we go on the warpath focused on just the adult material… branding them perverts and unfaithful husbands… we’re not truly having the grace to get to the REAL issues that a man might be facing.
There is a difference between an addiction and enjoying something. I enjoy an occasional beer IRL, but my friend Ian does not because Ian is an alcoholic. What would you say if your sahm wife spent all day when she was supposed to be keeping home reading her romance novel and never had any food ready, even when you were late getting in from work, naver did any housework or cleaning and laundry and had let the children go hungry all day so that she could get her fix?
I certainly wouldn’t blame her romance novel. She could retreat to an internet forum (as some women no doubt do here). She might retreat into Facebook. She might retreat into Farmville. She might retreat into the video game world of Sims. Do we go on the warpath against all of these things that our wives (or even husbands) might retreat into? Or do we have the grace, patience, and understanding that it might take to find out what the more issues are beneath the surface?
Go read Marnia Robinson and/or Gary Wilson on Cupid's Poisoned Arrow to get the picture.

I will, sounds like a good read. However, some books I’ve read on this subject are just control based, legalistic, perfectionism that tend to enslave more than liberate and bring mutual respect and boundaries. For example, one book insinuated that spouses have authority over each other’s sexuality. Now, to a point I agree. Under no circumstances should a spouse be unfaithful with another person. Also, it’s a serious issue of the heart if a spouse actually desires another person. However, fantasy is healthy and natural. I don’t look at it like a man owns his wife’s sexuality. In fact, I look at it like it is something that belongs to her that she has chosen to share with her husband, and vice versa. Our spouses are still sexual beings even if we never married; even if they were single. Some boundaries, respect, trust, and acceptance are necessary… seasoned with grace. If my lady chooses to take a long candle light bath on occasion with her favorite romance novel… she doesn’t have to hide it from me. In fact, if she tells me she’d like some, “private time”, I’ll see to it the kids aren’t knocking on the bathroom door until she’s out and about again. I believe in loving and respecting a spouse. Now, if she began to neglect intimacy with me altogether, I’d want counseling. I’d not put her on lock down. I’d not monitor her every move. I’d not make her a prisoner in her own home. I’d want to get to the root of the issues she’s facing. I know a man whose wife began to cut off intimacy. He became convinced she was having an affair. He began tracking her computer usage, emails, cell phone calls, etc. She felt deeply disrespected and it drove the wedge that was between them deeper. Their pastor counseled them. As it turns out… she was self-conscious because she put on a few pounds.
The real issues behind these problems need to be addressed. The problem isn’t the romance novels, swimsuit magazines, the playboys, the video games, Facebook, chat groups, etc. The real issues are what drive a person to retreat into this world where they feel safe, in control, respected, desired, and satisfied.
Also, there needs to be some mutual respect between human beings. Just as a husband has no right to tell his wife she can’t buy a romance novel or a personal item… so too a wife has no right to tell her husband he can’t by something for his personal needs. One might buy cigarettes, a bottle of wine on Friday nights, or magazine… and it might indeed be sin. However, mutual love, grace, and respect should reign. Pray for your spouse if they struggle. Accept them for who they are. Understand that they are going through something. It might even be a phase of life like a midlife crisis. Whatever the issue, love and prayer is the answer. Not control and scolding. Let’s respect one another as human beings. God loved us while we were yet sinners. And so should we. Love.

Find a counselor that focuses on mutual love and respect. Don't be afraid of the REAL issues. They have to be faced eventually, even if it's something as simple as a spouse having a significantly higher libido. The deeper issues can't be left unresolved.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

JaneFW

Well-Known Member
Aug 12, 2005
8,058
752
61
IRL
✟11,369.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
The reality is that those viewing inappropriate content are viewing two prostitutes engaging in the sexual act which is God's gift and intended for marriage. If any Christians have no problem paying to watch prostitutes have sex, I'm very, very sorry for them. Not to mention that child inappropriate content is just an offshoot of adult inappropriate content, and the same people are often involved in the creation and manufacture of these movies and images. This is not a victimless endeavor. The women who take part in inappropriate content are often torn and injured, and diseases spread on a regular basis. There are many who have left the inappropriate content world, found Christ, and spoken out about the truly awful things that happen in inappropriate content. For any Christian to support inappropriate content, or pay for inappropriate content, or justify inappropriate content is completely wrong.

As a wife of a man who has a sex/inappropriate content addiction, I can't say I was ever suicidal, but it has made a misery of the sexual part of our marriage. It is an addiction on his part - by his own admission. Whether it's flirting online with women, spending hours surfing internet inappropriate content, having an emotional affair with a neighbor - these kind of people are never satisfied. There's always another "hit" needed, just like any other drug. Very sad. Any addiction can be overcome. But the addict needs to face up to, admit and stop the addictive behavior first of all.
 
Upvote 0

Stealth001

Seeker
Sep 8, 2011
546
15
✟15,792.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
In Relationship
Politics
US-Republican
The reality is that those viewing inappropriate content are viewing two prostitutes engaging in the sexual act which is God's gift and intended for marriage. If any Christians have no problem paying to watch prostitutes have sex, I'm very, very sorry for them. Not to mention that child inappropriate content is just an offshoot of adult inappropriate content, and the same people are often involved in the creation and manufacture of these movies and images. This is not a victimless endeavor. The women who take part in inappropriate content are often torn and injured, and diseases spread on a regular basis. There are many who have left the inappropriate content world, found Christ, and spoken out about the truly awful things that happen in inappropriate content. For any Christian to support inappropriate content, or pay for inappropriate content, or justify inappropriate content is completely wrong.

Agreed. More needs to be done to reveal the darkness behind the industry. Not to mention how the increasingly serious issue of human trafficking is playing a part.

As a wife of a man who has a sex/inappropriate content addiction, I can't say I was ever suicidal, but it has made a misery of the sexual part of our marriage.

That’s terrible to hear. I’m sorry you’ve had to experience this. I’m just taken aback by some who might say they are suicidal over a partner’s problem. To me, that’s just a bit of an overreaction. I can see a problem like this escalating into serious marital issues. But suicide? That right there is a VERY serious indicator that all parties involved need counseling.

It is an addiction on his part - by his own admission. Whether it's flirting online with women, spending hours surfing internet inappropriate content, having an emotional affair with a neighbor - these kind of people are never satisfied. There's always another "hit" needed, just like any other drug. Very sad. Any addiction can be overcome. But the addict needs to face up to, admit and stop the addictive behavior first of all.

There is no excuse for those actions. However, I do have some questions (I don’t want you to answer them here because it’s so personal). These questions are just rhetorical to offer food for thought and maybe better express what I'm saying:

-Why has he chosen this path?
-What causes him to feel so unsatisfied with the life God gave him?
-What pain is he numbing?
-What memories might he be trying to rewrite or relive?
-What inner reality is he hiding from?
-What missing piece of himself does he feel he finds in conquests or retreats into fantasy?
-Has he been sexually abused?
-Has he been physically or psychological abused?
-What was his relationship with his mother and his father like?
-Does he feel worthy to be free? If not, why?

I’ve discovered that in most cases, men that find themselves in this place are suffering from deeper issues that are showing in this area of their lives. For example, a man falls into this after a parent dies. Why? Subconsciously it reminds them of their adolescence. A time when mom and dad were alive. A man feels he’s not respected, desired, or important to his family. So he retreats to a world wherein any woman he chooses desires him, respects him, and makes him feel important. Or maybe he’s a type-A personality, a powerful and respected driver type. Lowering himself to this, and being degraded allows him to privately let down his guard and be vulnerable. Of course this is VERY unhealthy, but he has problems opening up and trusting others.

I’m not justifying anything. I’m trying to simply say that acting out in this area is often only the tip of the iceberg. There is so much more under the surface. Often, these men don’t even know what it is that is poisoning them so deep inside and it takes much counseling and soul searching to discover it, address it, and move on in freedom.

Always remember this axiom: “Hurting people…hurt people.” If a husband knows that this hurts his wife and can’t stop.... Why is HE hurting? In many cases his pain is not related to his wife. When it is, it’s often a misperception or a misunderstanding that has festered deep in the soul. Maybe at some point he perceived that she doesn’t respect him or look up to him. Maybe he feels like an absolute failure with her and the kids because of things people have said out of anger or something he’s misunderstood. I’m just saying that a spouse should go deeper than just judging and putting a husband on lock down to control his behavior. The problem is… it’s easier to get mad, pass judgment, require regulation, and demand he not behave a certain way. It’s a lot harder to continue to respect, love, forgive, and accept a husband with a problem like this. It’s a lot harder to give counseling the necessary time to go into the deepest regions of a man’s soul that have been locked up airtight, often for decades. It’s hard to see him as in just as much pain and confusion as yourself after you’ve allowed yourself to feel so hurt by his behavior.

My dad was an alcoholic for most of his life. It wasn’t until after my father came to grips with my brother’s death and his own feelings of blame, and failure as a husband (mom and dad divorced within a year after my brother’s death), that he was able to break free of the addiction. Many people blasted him about his drinking. The family tried to demand that he stop. The family stole his alcohol and poured it down the drain, fought with him, argued with him, and eventually even distanced themselves from him to the point of almost writing him off entirely. My father had to discover the roots of his pain that fed the addiction. Think of the addiction as the fruit... the bitterness, pain, or resentment as the root. It took my dad most of his life to finally address what was at the root of his addiction.

All too often I don’t see any of these roads of grace and full restoration explained in Christian books on the subject of sexual addiction. All they focus on is behavior modification…not restoration and healing the deeper issues down inside.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0

JaneFW

Well-Known Member
Aug 12, 2005
8,058
752
61
IRL
✟11,369.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
I was also an alcoholic - have not drank in 6 years, and very happy about it. I know what addiction is like from the addict side, also. It took a determined effort to stop picking up the booze from the store, but I made it. That's what every addict has to do - and making that decision to stop is more important IME than any delving into the inner hurts and childhood troubles etc. etc. Sure, counseling helps, but I also believe that there are important steps to be taken with any addiction in just stopping. Are we people who believe in a mighty God who said that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" or are we heathens who keep on saying that we can't help it, that oh well, we will just have to continue to fail, because it's too hard to quit? So, by all means an addict can get counseling, but at the same time they have to STOP the behavior.

All those questions about my husband - I know the answers to many of them, but too much to go into here. No, he's not disrespected by me, in fact the behavior pre-dates our marriage by a long time, none of which I knew when I married him. I pity him for his lack of satisfaction with life and even more so because he denies he is unsatisfied. The reality is there for anyone who ever watches him become obsessed with something new every 6 months, and then lose interest just as quickly. Sadly, I see at least one of our kids following in his foosteps. BUT, until he faces up to his problem, nobody can help him. Any comment on the situation is responded to by a finger that comes back in the other direction. In other words "it wasn't me", or a variation thereof (long story on that one).

So, to get back to the OP, I can understand that Peek felt desparate. When I had my eyes opened to what my husband was doing, I began to have panic attacks. I have a history of panic attacks, so any anxiety tends to take me there. It was up to me to get the panic under control, and I did. These days, when I see an indication that the behavior has taken another turn (ongoing texts with women with whom he used to work, buying gifts (or attempting to buy gifts, which yes I stopped) for a former female coworker), I just mentally shrug my shoulders. Should he get to some kind of self-accounting where he stops this, and addresses his behavior, and gets some help? Darn right he should. Will he ever? Probably not. So this is him, and I can't be responsible for him, so I can only be responsible for how I handle it, and for keeping my own behavior above reproach when the flesh part of me wants to say that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and isn't it about time that I flirted and got someone to text me, and buy me gifts? But, yeah, that's not me because I consciously strive to stay above tit-for-tat behavior.

So, anyway, there is a lot to be said for tough love, and a lot to be said for counseling, but none of this will work until the addict him or herself says "this is sin. This must stop." And they do .. stop.
 
Upvote 0

Stealth001

Seeker
Sep 8, 2011
546
15
✟15,792.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
In Relationship
Politics
US-Republican
I was also an alcoholic - have not drank in 6 years, and very happy about it. I know what addiction is like from the addict side, also. It took a determined effort to stop picking up the booze from the store, but I made it. That's what every addict has to do - and making that decision to stop is more important IME than any delving into the inner hurts and childhood troubles etc. etc. Sure, counseling helps, but I also believe that there are important steps to be taken with any addiction in just stopping. Are we people who believe in a mighty God who said that "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it" or are we heathens who keep on saying that we can't help it, that oh well, we will just have to continue to fail, because it's too hard to quit? So, by all means an addict can get counseling, but at the same time they have to STOP the behavior.

First, what works for one person doesn’t always work for another. Human beings aren’t machines. This is why there are various methods of recovery. Some can just stop. Others need a rude awakening, an intervention. Others need deep soul searching and the ability to find and address what is poisoning them deep inside.

Also, I’d go as far as to say that behavior modification doesn’t always address the deeper issues. Sure, an addict might quit a behavior, but the poison, the pain, the hurt from the past is still there. All too often this comes back in relapse or other behaviors and attitudes.

A human being is body, soul, and spirit. That means for complete healing, a man (or woman) must address the physical aspects of addiction, the mental aspects of addiction, and even those aspects of addiction at the core of the emotional nature of their being. Behavior modification just deals with will power over the body. It doesn’t address the psychological issues underneath. Spiritual devotion can heal the emotional and inner nature of a person, but it doesn’t always address memories of hurt and pain.

The first thing I realize sometimes is that a spouse just wants the behavior to stop. Because of their own pain, feelings of inadequacy, or sense of betrayal, they fail to love the offending spouse deep enough to even care about these deeper levels of healing. Healing isn’t always instantaneous.

Also, in counseling (when I was a minister) I’d ask a couple “How many came seeking help here?” They’d often answer, “The two of us.” The first thing they have to realize is that they are a single organism. They are one flesh. They are one spirit. They need to look at one another as extensions of themselves. Theologically, we can go a step further and say they are one spirit in Christ Jesus, but that’s a different subject. If your harm had pain… do you just want to treat the pain, or find the cause and treat the cause of the pain? If your spouse is having an issue, do you just address the behavior or are you willing to dig deeper into the underlying issues causing the issue? Are all parties willing to accept responsibility for their own contributions to the problem? Because sometimes a spouse discovers that they actually contributed to the situation. They have to be willing to accept that, just as the offending party has to be willing to accept their behaviors for what they are and be willing to address the deeper issues that are related. Unless they are willing to do that… I would simply recommend they try harder to merely change their behavior. Session closed. Until they can get to “We…we….we.” they can’t be helped. I can’t stand, “He…he….he.”, or, “She…she…she.” That has to stop. They have to truly be one to heal and overcome in the whole of their being. Because they are a single being.

All those questions about my husband - I know the answers to many of them, but too much to go into here. No, he's not disrespected by me, in fact the behavior pre-dates our marriage by a long time, none of which I knew when I married him.

Why didn’t he open up to you and tell you? Fear of rejection? Fear of being misunderstood? Fear of addressing the deeper issues? I’d wager all of those played a part. He should have talked to you about it well before marriage. Did you have marriage counseling?

I pity him for his lack of satisfaction with life and even more so because he denies he is unsatisfied. The reality is there for anyone who ever watches him become obsessed with something new every 6 months, and then lose interest just as quickly.

Has he ever been looked at to determine if he has a chemical imbalance? Remember, “body”, soul, and spirit. What “triggers” these shifts in obsession?

I pray that when you say you pity him, you mean that you are compassionate and understanding of his circumstance, all too often “pity” is a feeling sorry for the perceived “lesser” person in a situation. The truth is, we’re all wretched, selfish, and sinful creatures. I can’t pity anyone in the sense of thinking that they are less than me, because I’m just as fallen, broken, and vile as they are. I too have flesh, sins, struggles with the carnal mind, etc. I always try to approach people with various sins and addictions as though we are all in this together.

Sadly, I see at least one of our kids following in his foosteps. BUT, until he faces up to his problem, nobody can help him. Any comment on the situation is responded to by a finger that comes back in the other direction. In other words "it wasn't me", or a variation thereof (long story on that one).

Sad but true. He has to accept that he has a problem and be willing to go on a journey deep within his own heart and soul to find the poison. You’re right, until he can accept where he is at now… he can’t progress into the promised land.

So, to get back to the OP, I can understand that Peek felt desparate. When I had my eyes opened to what my husband was doing, I began to have panic attacks. I have a history of panic attacks, so any anxiety tends to take me there. It was up to me to get the panic under control, and I did. These days, when I see an indication that the behavior has taken another turn (ongoing texts with women with whom he used to work, buying gifts (or attempting to buy gifts, which yes I stopped) for a former female coworker), I just mentally shrug my shoulders. Should he get to some kind of self-accounting where he stops this, and addresses his behavior, and gets some help? Darn right he should. Will he ever? Probably not. So this is him, and I can't be responsible for him, so I can only be responsible for how I handle it, and for keeping my own behavior above reproach when the flesh part of me wants to say that what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and isn't it about time that I flirted and got someone to text me, and buy me gifts? But, yeah, that's not me because I consciously strive to stay above tit-for-tat behavior.

This is very troubling. He has gone way past having a couple magazines on the top shelf of the closet or what have you. Actual interaction with another person is VERY serious. He has moved from struggling with excessive fantasy or the sin of lust, and moved into the game of pursuit. I sincerely feel for you. Unless he accepts this situation and addresses the underlying issues you’re in for a very rough ride. I commend you for your faith and devotion in just staying with him. You must love him. However, I sense that your patience has worn thin. I hope you have a support network of family, friends, ministry, or counsel.

TO BE CONTINUED...
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Stealth001

Seeker
Sep 8, 2011
546
15
✟15,792.00
Faith
Pentecostal
Marital Status
In Relationship
Politics
US-Republican
CONTINUED...

So, anyway, there is a lot to be said for tough love, and a lot to be said for counseling, but none of this will work until the addict him or herself says "this is sin. This must stop." And they do .. stop.


Stopping is only half the battle (at best). For example, the Law focused on behavior modification. “Thou shalt not…” Jesus revealed something deeper. Something more profound. Jesus said that the entire Law is summed up in these two commandments… We are to love God with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength. And we are to love our neighbors (including our spouses) as ourselves. You see, a person can modify their behavior and actually obey the Ten Commandments. I might not choose foreign Gods, make idols, use the name of the LORD in vain, or neglect times of corporate worship… but that doesn’t mean that I “love God”. Also, I might honor my parents, but it doesn’t mean that I “love” them. I might not steal from my neighbor, lie to my neighbor, kill or harm my neighbor, commit adultery with my neighbor’s wife, or covet anything that is my neighbor’s. But that doesn’t mean that I love them. Behavior modification only focuses on the outside. It doesn’t address the heart. The law of Christ addresses the heart. If we love our neighbors (including our spouses) we will not steal from them, lie to them, harm them, commit adultery with their wife, or covet what is theirs. If I learn the meaning of true love, a free and powerful, forgiving, inspiring, and restoring love… I will naturally fulfill the law without even thinking about it. In other words, Jesus focused on a change of our inner nature. Not just behavior.


Many of these husbands struggle with many things. They have hurt, abuse, sadness, disappointment, failure, rejection, abandonment, etc. that have wounded their very souls. And they continue to seek an escape in alcohol, drugs, video games, internet distractions, pleasure… and even “religion”. But these things can’t heal them. They have to find the point of their brokenness, or have it revealed to them. They then have to forgive others, and more importantly… forgive themselves. Only in loving and forgiving self and others can they be free. The Bible is simply God saying to mankind, “Try love and forgiveness. It worked for me.” (a quote by Lewis Smedes, DD.)

We often think of those in these situations as though they are “Hell bound”. The truth is… in an emotional sense, they are already there. We have to be willing to traverse the very vastness of their Hell to reach them… and when we do… they have to want to be free. If we’re unwilling to do this… or when we reach them they are unwilling to allow themselves to heal… they will be lost forever.


The love and forgiveness we have to experience is only found in abiding in Christ. He is the vine, we are the branches. Without Him, we can do nothing. By our union with Christ, through the Holy Spirit, we allow Christ’s own love and forgiveness to flow through us from ourselves to others. Our very identity has to be crucified and buried with Christ. We must realize that we are crucified with Christ, and yet we live. Not us. But Christ who lives within us.

Your husband must die to live. He must be vulnerable to live. He must find the hurt and give it to God. The Bible says,


“The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?” (Proverbs 18:14)


A wounded spirit is unbearable. Many have been wounded and think they are standing. Much like the story of a California Redwood that was a sapling back in the days of Shakespear. This majestic tree was enormous. One of the largest in the region. However, it was struck by lightening back in the 1800’s and it was left weakened. Then there was a forest fire in the 1900’s that left it burned. A rot began to set into the trunk of this tree. From the outside, it looked strong and healthy, but inside the rot was spreading. It spread until it weakened the tree significantly. A point of critical balance was reached. It may have been a gentle breeze, or perhaps a small bird lilting on a northern branch… and this giant, majestic, tree came crashing down. People don’t crumble in a day. Oh, the decisions they make come at a moment’s notice… but the rot that caused their moral fiber to crumble had been festering for far much longer than most realize. Families don’t leave church in a day. Oh, they smile and shake hands and suddenly one Sunday they are gone. But they were sliding away long before we discovered their absence. It can normally be traced back to a wounded spirit. Self-perceived or actually the result of another’s actions, the pain was real. The rot set in. Perhaps it was caused by the abandonment of a parent, the hurtful words of someone they loved, the crushing mind numbing words, “You’ll never amount to anything.”, the pain of a spouse walking out on them, the fear of failing after having failed at something so very important to themselves that they allowed to define them. Somewhere, their spirit was wounded. Who can bear it? I know who can bear it. Jesus can bear it. What are we to do? The Bible says,


“Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” I Peter 5:7


We must cast that wounded spirit upon Christ. It’s not rude. It’s not an inconvenience. He hangs their crucified from the foundations of the world, transcending time and space, to receive it. He wants it. He knows we can’t bear it. He knows we can’t beat it. He knows we’re doomed for as long as we are beneath its weight. We have to search our spirits. We have to allow God to reveal any wound and any root of bitterness that seeks to rise up and defile us. And when we find it, we can cast it upon Him and ask Him to heal it. Then we can be changed with relation to our very nature… not just in relation to our behaviors. Legalism merely tells us to “Try harder. Do better.” Grace tells us, “Stop trying. Surrender to God’s love and forgiveness. You’re not good enough. Even when you are at your best… it’s still… you, and that’s the problem. You must die. Be crucified with Christ and accept God’s light and love into your life. No, you don’t deserve it and you never will. ” Your husband must release his pain. Or he will be lost.

The question is… are you willing to walk along side of him should he begin this journey? It’s often terrifying. More horrifying than just, “trying harder”. You’ll both discover things about one another and even yourselves that you’d rather not face, things that cause you to weep and mourn. But you must experience this. If you want total healing. I discovered this when my wife abandoned our family. I had to heal. I couldn’t just try to get on my feet and do better. Having been in the military for 8 years and being a person who values picking myself up by my bootstraps, it was humbling to discover that true healing wasn’t in my trying harder. It was in my trying less. It was in a surrender to God and a willingness to face my darkest fears… and my worst enemy… myself. Now I know what it means to abide. Had my wife and I understood this narrow way, we might have saved our marriage. Instead, we simply tried harder until we couldn’t try another day. Our kingdom fell. Today, she’s beyond my reach in the spiritual darkness of this world. And it was only the grace of God that saved me from the same fate. I pray that one day His grace shines bright enough for her to see it and she be drawn back into His arms by His love. And I’ve had to learn to move on. I’ve had to learn to live again. To love again. It’s not easy. But all things work together for our good as God lovingly works to conform us into the image and likeness of Christ Jesus.


I have no idea why I rambled all of this. At first, before posting, I considered deleting it. But… I’ve left my post in its entirety. Forgive me for my long windedness. I pray it benefits someone.
 
Upvote 0