Suicidal thoughts due to husband's inappropriate content addiction

[peckaboo]

Do you ever have those thoughts that are just so bad and painful to think about, but it is addictive to think about them? ...
When this starts happening, take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. Christ used scripture when the Devil confronted him with temptation. You may want to find some scriptures to think about when these thoughts come to you. Memorize several favorites. Nothing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No weapon formed against us shall prosper. He who began a good work in you shall be faithful to complete it in you.

Is your husband willing to be helped? Is he willing to either put away his computer or have you put some kind of nanny software on it that only you have a password for? Is he willing to get software that sends a list of all the websites he visited to you and a few accountability partners from the church? He may be under demonic attack and needs a lot of prayer right now.

I hadn't considered that there may be a demonic element to this, though I suppose every temptation is sent from the devil. Is that what you mean by "demonic" or are you talking about something more akin to the Biblical stories about someone being inhabited by a particular evil spirit?

At the moment, he's not willing to be helped, by me or by anyone else. This is a giant step backwards, as he had at one point asked me to install some nanny software on one of his computers. Judging from our last conversation about it, he would not currently be receptive to any suggestions from me, though he may be if someone else suggested it. However, his attitude changes from one day to the next, so the next time we talk, he might feel differently. I'm praying for him alot.

Btw, have you told your husband you had thought of suicide and your reasoning behind it.

We have talked about this. It made him (understandably, I guess) angry and he said, "If you want to leave so badly, just leave!" Though he often uses anger to conceal other emotions, so it's likely that he was hurt more than he was angry.

Aren't you trusting God to help you with this? What about all those prayers? Isn't God big enough to answer them? Believe God. Do you think suicide is God's way of dealing with this situation? Is that going to be glorifying to God? ... You don't get to be an overcomer in God's kingdom unless you have something to overcome. God is big enough to help you through this...I like what one pastor around here likes to say, be careful about choosing permanent solutions to temporary problems.

Thank you for confronting me about this (including the parts I replaced with an ellipse - I just didn't want the post to get too long). I don't really have a position on whether or not the act of suicide itself is morally wrong, but I can't really argue that it's morally right to doubt that God has all of this under control, whether it feels like it or not.

I think there is some kind of DNS directory thing that tracks every website on the computer. If he can use DOS, he may be able to wipe this. Does he have to have a computer to do his work?

I'm such a technotard I don't understand the acronyms in this post, but he does need a computer to do his work (he's an architect), and also for his hobbies, which include writing algorithms, and building software and stuff. I don't think it's my place to take all his hobbies away from him when the majority of them are perfectly innocent. At the moment I don't think he's so deceptive that he would wipe the stuff from his hard drive. He does browse in such a way that nothing logs in his browsing history, but then he almost always (I believe) comes and confesses to me that he's looked at inappropriate content, for which I'm incredibly grateful. He used to tell me the nature of what he had been looking at, and it used to be mostly softcore stuff, but it started getting progressively more hardcore, and then he stopped telling me any details. I'm trying hard not to assume that it's anything worse than what it was the last time he told me.

 

[peckaboo]

Romanseight and Dreamer1982, thank you for your encouragement. It's very encouraging to hear testimonies of people who have changed so completely in this area.

Dreamer, I know what you mean about "just knowing" when he's looked at something. Fortunately my DH normally confesses to me voluntarily, which I know is unusual, but on the occasions where he doesn't, I normally know and get confirmation through some other means, either by asking him or he confirms it unknowingly through his behaviour.
Thank you for recommending those books, I'll go check them out.

I really hope that one day he is willing to do whatever it takes. I hope it doesn't require me separating from him at all - I don't feel like that's the right course of action at this moment, though I would change my mind if ever he flat out refused to try anymore and maintained that stance. At the moment I think it's better for me to seize hold of the fact that, at least part of the time, he does demonstrate a desire to change, and try to come alongside him and support him in that.

For the time being at least, I don't fully believe anymore that suicide is my only option, though even within the course of a day I argue back and forth with myself about it. I don't think I believe it strongly enough at this moment to act on it, though.

 

[mkgal1]

The authors of Boundaries (Cloud--Townsend) have a web site:

Cloud Townsend Resources

 

[Autumnleaf]

inappropriate content is lusting after someone who isn't your wife (especially in your mind). It is covered in the Bible, because it is in the mind whether from a magazine, internet, imagination, talk or any other way. We are guilty of adultery, if we just think it (from Jesus).

Lust involves looking at a real woman that you want to have sex with, and could. inappropriate content involves a fantasy that you will never be able to really have sex with. Its like daydreaming about being William Wallace and killing the enemy or even bad guys in a video game, that does not make you guilty of murder, nor does it make you a real life war hero.

These days men spend so much time shadow boxing against sins that aren't there that they are incapacitated when it comes to evils that they should be standing against in solidarity with other men. So keep yourself in check because you have crucified yourself for your imaginary sins.

 

[Autumnleaf]

So for me, the main change I saw in my h was humility. A willingness to do and absorb whatever I wanted and needed while I healed.

That is quite a change. Were you happy to see him like that?

 

[peckaboo]

Lust involves looking at a real woman that you want to have sex with, and could. inappropriate content involves a fantasy that you will never be able to really have sex with. Its like daydreaming about being William Wallace and killing the enemy or even bad guys in a video game, that does not make you guilty of murder, nor does it make you a real life war hero.

These days men spend so much time shadow boxing against sins that aren't there that they are incapacitated when it comes to evils that they should be standing against in solidarity with other men. So keep yourself in check because you have crucified yourself for your imaginary sins.

Autumnleaf, thanks for your contribution to this thread. Some of what you've said previously has been pretty sound advice. However, can I go out on a limb and make a request? There's another thread elsewhere on the forum entitled "Is inappropriate content bad?" where people are debating the relative merits/sinfulness of inappropriate content. While you're completely entitled to express your opinion on this wherever you'd like, can I request that you discuss whether or not inappropriate content is wrong in that other thread? I think that a) you'll find more support for your opinion there, as it seems to be only you and kiwimac here who believe that inappropriate content use is morally neutral or right, and b) the "is inappropriate content bad?" thread is where people are discussing whether or not inappropriate content is bad. I'm trying to get some practical help in this thread, not enter into a theoretical discussion, and I've appreciated the practical advice that you've given. One last point is that some of the people in this thread have really experienced a lot of pain as a result of inappropriate content use, and some of your comments are doing more damage than I think you realise. It's a little bit like (and I know this isn't a perfect analogy) going into a cancer ward and shouting "Oh for goodness sake, pull yourselves together and just get over it. Half of your symptoms are psychosomatic anyway!" when you've never had cancer. You're entirely entitled to do that if you wish, but it's not very helpful or respectful.

I hope I'm not speaking out of turn here and that you don't interpret this as a personal attack on you or on your opinion on the subject of inappropriate content; that's not my intention.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Originally Posted by sdmsanjose
First you need to think about YOU right now. God wants you to think about you, He does not want His daughter destroyed by the actions of a man that is not showing the kind of love and respect that God instructs man to do.

Reply by Peckaboo
It wouldn't have occured to me to concentrate on building myself up or be nice to myself in this situation - I just feel so wretched over the whole thing. But I guess you (and a number of others who have said a similar thing) are right - God does want me to be taking care of myself. I'm reminded of the verse that says "Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life".

Quote of Peckaboo
But I guess you (and a number of others who have said a similar thing) are right - God does want me to be taking care of myself.

You do not have to guess if it comes from God. God has said that He wants you to come to Him so that He can help you. Don’t take our word for it take HIS words below:
Proverbs 3:5-6

New Living Translation (NLT)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

Isaiah 41:10 fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Psalms 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

God even tells you what He expects from you so that He can help you. I have listed a few verses below that lay out the conditions

Jesus said: "If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. if you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
John 15:6-7

If you make the Most High your dwelling – even the LORD, who is my refuge – then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent."
Psalm 91:9-10


Hebrews 11:6
And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

It is obvious that you are beaten down and heavy laden. You have put your life in the hands of a man and he has failed you. Put your life in God’s hands and “He will show you which path to take”
You have probably heard all these verses above before but now it seems like it is time to move in a direction that helps move those verses to sink even deep into your heart and soul with actions.
Here below are some famous Christians that have a few words about what I am saying.

“Leave the broken, irreversible past in God’s hands, and step out into the invincible future with Him.” ~ Oswald Chambers


“Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days – when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when your out of options, when the pain is great – and you turn to God alone.” ~ Rick Warren

Frankly, I think that this is an opportunity for you to make GREAT strides in getting your faith, security, self-esteem, confidence and tour strength in much better condition. You may have been concentrating a lot of your spiritual energy on getting your husband fixed but without his free will conforming to God’s ways your husband will continue to flounder until there is a breaking point.

Your free will is for you to help you. I know that you want to help your husband but the only one that you can help right now is you and as you can see by the scriptures above that is what God wants also.

I know that my reply may sound like preaching God but when I was in a situation somewhat like yours I was forced to put God first before things started getting better.

 

[hijklmnop]

Peckaboo I think Stan's post was awesome and I love how he included relevant Scriptures for you to meditate on. I hope they speak to your heart.

 

[Nilla]

Mod Hat On

The OP has requested that you take the discussion of wether inappropriate content is ok or not to another thread.
This is not the thread for it.
Here is the post where the OP of the thread asked that the discussion be taken elsewhere and her intentions for this thread: http://www.christianforums.com/t7626331-2/#post59633023

Please do as she wishes!
Thanks!




Mod Hat Off​

 

[Chaplain David]

God bless everyone.

 

[I Art Laughing]

I've been thinking about the word "due". I have a problem with the premise. Your husband is responsible for his lust, and how he handles temptation. You are responsible for your thoughts and taking them captive, his failing isn't your failing. God loves you perfectly even if your husband doesn't.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds). Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled.
(2Co 10:3-6)

 

[peckaboo]

You do not have to guess if it comes from God. God has said that He wants you to come to Him so that He can help you. Don’t take our word for it take HIS words below:
Proverbs 3:5-6

New Living Translation (NLT)
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
6 Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.

...

God even tells you what He expects from you so that He can help you. I have listed a few verses below that lay out the conditions

Jesus said: "If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. if you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you."
John 15:6-7

...

Frankly, I think that this is an opportunity for you to make GREAT strides in getting your faith, security, self-esteem, confidence and tour strength in much better condition. You may have been concentrating a lot of your spiritual energy on getting your husband fixed but without his free will conforming to God’s ways your husband will continue to flounder until there is a breaking point.

Your free will is for you to help you. I know that you want to help your husband but the only one that you can help right now is you and as you can see by the scriptures above that is what God wants also.

I know that my reply may sound like preaching God but when I was in a situation somewhat like yours I was forced to put God first before things started getting better.

Thank you for posting this, Stan. I have come to the realisation that at the moment I have to focus on equipping myself to deal with the situation rather than trying to change my husband. The scriptures you selected were very appropriate and thought-provoking - thanks for taking the time to pick them out.

 

[iLogos]

inappropriate content addiction is a ugly sin. Lust over the flesh is not exactly walking in the Spirit! Your husband may need help if he doesn't want to stop, and like any addiction, you really must want to stop in order to stop!

We are no longer a slave to sin! We can reject, decline temptation to sin.

I been there, inappropriate content addiction is simply a lust for flesh. When I realized that is so temporal, and when I got sick and tired of giving in, justifying my failures, and feeling guilty I finally just said enough is enough, I am sick and tired of being a slave to inappropriate content, and stopped!

inappropriate content is very shallow. Perhaps if he is reminded what those sexy girls will look like in 40 years he may be reminded that he is just attracted to skin and bones which will wrinkle and age quickly. Skin and bones. Flesh. That's what he is a slave to right now and he has the power from God to stop!

Don't blame yourself, it's his problem. Pray for him! I hope he comes to his senses and goes back to walking in the Spirit!

Your a very attractive woman, he should be lusting for you!

 

[peckaboo]

This afternoon I spoke briefly with my DH for the first time since Sunday morning. He's currently in the UK and I'm in the States. After he had confessed to me at the weekend that he had been looking at inappropriate content while I was away, we argued about it a little bit, whether it was rational for me to feel hurt etc, then I told him that I loved him and was trying to respond appropriately, but that I was very very hurt and needed some space to think about everything. He said that was reasonable and asked if I could tell him when I was ready to talk again. Today I noticed he was online so asked him how he was doing. He said he had been thinking about our conversation on Sunday and apologised for what he had done and for hurting me told me he loved me and that he would try his hardest never to look at it again. I'm very encouraged by this - this is the first time he's expressly talked about wanting to never look at inappropriate content again, as opposed to just talking in vague terms about how it's not good in a marriage. I don't really believe that he can just "try harder" and the problem will be solved, so I don't expect that we've seen the back of the issue, but I'm really encouraged to know that we're both on the same page at the moment as far as the desire to have it gone.

If there is continued inappropriate content use, I'll openly request that he takes particular steps of my choosing to fix the problem, including allowing me to monitor his internet activity, block the internet on his smart phone, and to find either a Christian counselor or a mature accountability partner to cme alongside him.

I borrowed a copy of James Dobson's "Love must be tough" from a colleague, so I'll read that over the next few days while I'm still in Dallas, and if DH ever gets to the point where he denies that inappropriate content is a problem, or he's outright lying about his inappropriate content use, or he flat out refuses to try and change I'll take Dreamer's suggestion to remove myself from the situation indefinitely until he was willing to address the problem.

We've agreed to hold off talking about it until I'm back in the UK, and then to sit down and talk in person about how to deal with it. One of the (male) posters in this thread suggested that it may be more effective to address the triggers that drive him to look at inappropriate content, whether it's anger or loneliness or frustration or whatever, rather than to just attack the inappropriate content use itself, and in the meantime to make sure he knows that he's loved even if what he's doing is wrong and hateful. So I may try that tactic.

Please pray that I would know how to speak to him in a way that communicates love, without denying what I believe is right or falling into the Ananias and Sapphira trap of enabling his behaviour. Also please pray that God would soften his pride and open his eyes to the fact that he can't deal with this alone.

Thanks again for all your support and advice.

 

[hijklmnop]

This afternoon I spoke briefly with my DH for the first time since Sunday morning. He's currently in the UK and I'm in the States. After he had confessed to me at the weekend that he had been looking at inappropriate content while I was away, we argued about it a little bit, whether it was rational for me to feel hurt etc, then I told him that I loved him and was trying to respond appropriately, but that I was very very hurt and needed some space to think about everything. He said that was reasonable and asked if I could tell him when I was ready to talk again. Today I noticed he was online so asked him how he was doing. He said he had been thinking about our conversation on Sunday and apologised for what he had done and for hurting me told me he loved me and that he would try his hardest never to look at it again. I'm very encouraged by this - this is the first time he's expressly talked about wanting to never look at inappropriate content again, as opposed to just talking in vague terms about how it's not good in a marriage. I don't really believe that he can just "try harder" and the problem will be solved, so I don't expect that we've seen the back of the issue, but I'm really encouraged to know that we're both on the same page at the moment as far as the desire to have it gone.

Yup, I'd say desire to have it gone is step #1. Hopefully his desire is genuine and will soon manifest itself into ACTION. Actions speak louder than words so look with your eyes more than you listen with your ears (speaking from experience )

If there is continued inappropriate content use, I'll openly request that he takes particular steps of my choosing to fix the problem, including allowing me to monitor his internet activity, block the internet on his smart phone, and to find either a Christian counselor or a mature accountability partner to cme alongside him.

Sounds like a solid plan. IMO his willingness or lack thereof will be a great indicator to you of his level of repentance and determination.

I borrowed a copy of James Dobson's "Love must be tough" from a colleague, so I'll read that over the next few days while I'm still in Dallas, and if DH ever gets to the point where he denies that inappropriate content is a problem, or he's outright lying about his inappropriate content use, or he flat out refuses to try and change I'll take Dreamer's suggestion to remove myself from the situation indefinitely until he was willing to address the problem.

Sounds reasonable to me, though I hope he won't push you that far.

We've agreed to hold off talking about it until I'm back in the UK, and then to sit down and talk in person about how to deal with it. One of the (male) posters in this thread suggested that it may be more effective to address the triggers that drive him to look at inappropriate content, whether it's anger or loneliness or frustration or whatever, rather than to just attack the inappropriate content use itself, and in the meantime to make sure he knows that he's loved even if what he's doing is wrong and hateful. So I may try that tactic.

I think it's kinda cool that you guys know you're going to talk about it soon...and yet you have a bit of time beforehand to really bolster yourself spiritually for whatever is to come. Put on your spiritual armour and prepare to do battle courageously against sin!

Please pray that I would know how to speak to him in a way that communicates love, without denying what I believe is right or falling into the Ananias and Sapphira trap of enabling his behaviour. Also please pray that God would soften his pride and open his eyes to the fact that he can't deal with this alone.

Thanks again for all your support and advice.

Be loving, but be STRONG! Will be praying for you for sure. (hugs)

 

[chaz345]

This afternoon I spoke briefly with my DH for the first time since Sunday morning. He's currently in the UK and I'm in the States. After he had confessed to me at the weekend that he had been looking at inappropriate content while I was away, we argued about it a little bit, whether it was rational for me to feel hurt etc, then I told him that I loved him and was trying to respond appropriately, but that I was very very hurt and needed some space to think about everything. He said that was reasonable and asked if I could tell him when I was ready to talk again. Today I noticed he was online so asked him how he was doing. He said he had been thinking about our conversation on Sunday and apologised for what he had done and for hurting me told me he loved me and that he would try his hardest never to look at it again. I'm very encouraged by this - this is the first time he's expressly talked about wanting to never look at inappropriate content again, as opposed to just talking in vague terms about how it's not good in a marriage. I don't really believe that he can just "try harder" and the problem will be solved, so I don't expect that we've seen the back of the issue, but I'm really encouraged to know that we're both on the same page at the moment as far as the desire to have it gone.

If there is continued inappropriate content use, I'll openly request that he takes particular steps of my choosing to fix the problem, including allowing me to monitor his internet activity, block the internet on his smart phone, and to find either a Christian counselor or a mature accountability partner to cme alongside him.

I borrowed a copy of James Dobson's "Love must be tough" from a colleague, so I'll read that over the next few days while I'm still in Dallas, and if DH ever gets to the point where he denies that inappropriate content is a problem, or he's outright lying about his inappropriate content use, or he flat out refuses to try and change I'll take Dreamer's suggestion to remove myself from the situation indefinitely until he was willing to address the problem.

We've agreed to hold off talking about it until I'm back in the UK, and then to sit down and talk in person about how to deal with it. One of the (male) posters in this thread suggested that it may be more effective to address the triggers that drive him to look at inappropriate content, whether it's anger or loneliness or frustration or whatever, rather than to just attack the inappropriate content use itself, and in the meantime to make sure he knows that he's loved even if what he's doing is wrong and hateful. So I may try that tactic.

Please pray that I would know how to speak to him in a way that communicates love, without denying what I believe is right or falling into the Ananias and Sapphira trap of enabling his behaviour. Also please pray that God would soften his pride and open his eyes to the fact that he can't deal with this alone.

Thanks again for all your support and advice.

Sounds like a relatively solid plan. Like I've said in our other conversation, there may come a time when the tough love approach becomes necessary but given that he's currently showing a willingness to change, now is not it. And as you've seen he'll waffle back and forth between saying he wants to change and saying it's not really a problem. In my experience those episodes of "it's not really a problem" are really just a manifestation of guilt and shame. What I'm getting at is that the tough love or leaving approach should be left until the "it's not a problem" becomes his default position.

You are absolutely positively correct when you say that his "trying harder" will not be enough.

In terms of monitoring his internet use, he'll likely feel it's about control(it sort of is) so be careful to frame it in terms of the goal being helping him.

I mentioned it in the other inappropriate content thread but try to get him to sign up for and do the settingcaptivesfree course. It's not a complete solution but it's a good relatively non threatening first step and it will very likely truly open his eyes to the hurt he's causing which will make his desire to stop stronger and more real.

 

[JaneFW]

This afternoon I spoke briefly with my DH for the first time since Sunday morning. He's currently in the UK and I'm in the States. After he had confessed to me at the weekend that he had been looking at inappropriate content while I was away, we argued about it a little bit, whether it was rational for me to feel hurt etc, then I told him that I loved him and was trying to respond appropriately, but that I was very very hurt and needed some space to think about everything. He said that was reasonable and asked if I could tell him when I was ready to talk again. Today I noticed he was online so asked him how he was doing. He said he had been thinking about our conversation on Sunday and apologised for what he had done and for hurting me told me he loved me and that he would try his hardest never to look at it again. I'm very encouraged by this - this is the first time he's expressly talked about wanting to never look at inappropriate content again, as opposed to just talking in vague terms about how it's not good in a marriage. I don't really believe that he can just "try harder" and the problem will be solved, so I don't expect that we've seen the back of the issue, but I'm really encouraged to know that we're both on the same page at the moment as far as the desire to have it gone.

I am glad that there is progress for your husband, Peekaboo. Perhaps he would be encouraged to find a counselor or an accountability partner/group because as a former addict myself (alcohol), I can say that there is a big gap between wanting to never, ever take part in the addictive behavior again, and actually accomplishing that. BUT what he has said is a step away from denial, and the denial was most troubling to me.

If there is continued inappropriate content use, I'll openly request that he takes particular steps of my choosing to fix the problem, including allowing me to monitor his internet activity, block the internet on his smart phone, and to find either a Christian counselor or a mature accountability partner to cme alongside him.

I think this is a necessity, not an "if". You can put it in terms that it is "someone to talk to" (rather than "someone to fix you") because that is the truth. Talking all of this out with a third party who is not a part of the marriage can be a massive help.

I borrowed a copy of James Dobson's "Love must be tough" from a colleague, so I'll read that over the next few days while I'm still in Dallas, and if DH ever gets to the point where he denies that inappropriate content is a problem, or he's outright lying about his inappropriate content use, or he flat out refuses to try and change I'll take Dreamer's suggestion to remove myself from the situation indefinitely until he was willing to address the problem.

Just as a back up, make sure you have a place to go, because it's one thing to say "that's it, I'm out of here" - but without a plan, how long would you last? I sincerely hope and pray that it does NOT come to this for you and your h, but think it through, okay?

We've agreed to hold off talking about it until I'm back in the UK, and then to sit down and talk in person about how to deal with it. One of the (male) posters in this thread suggested that it may be more effective to address the triggers that drive him to look at inappropriate content, whether it's anger or loneliness or frustration or whatever, rather than to just attack the inappropriate content use itself, and in the meantime to make sure he knows that he's loved even if what he's doing is wrong and hateful. So I may try that tactic.

But you are not going to do this, are you? Are you going to "work" with him on these issues? I really don't know what to say because I don't want to discourage you, but just .. really difficult, in my experience, to work with your spouse on this. My h really did give me TMI, and sometimes it's still in my head, especially as I know what his triggers are and, like, right now, he's in a position exactly that triggers inappropriate content use for him (at home, bored, frustrated, and with a private login to his own laptop), and so I'm often wondering what he's doing (just like you did with your h online) and how he's handling those triggers. Also, I'm worried that you're setting yourself up for a position where you are walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring him (BTDT too) to see whether he's lonely, and trying to "make" him not feel any of the things that set off his triggers. Do you know what I mean?

That's why I would really strongly suggest that he find a group, or a counselor (or both).

Please pray that I would know how to speak to him in a way that communicates love, without denying what I believe is right or falling into the Ananias and Sapphira trap of enabling his behaviour. Also please pray that God would soften his pride and open his eyes to the fact that he can't deal with this alone.

Praying for you and husband, Peek, and also that you survived the Texas storms of the past 24 hours, lol, and you have a safe flight home.

I just do also want to say that your husband is blessed to have such a wife. I hope that you know that. ((((Peekaboo))))

 

[mkgal1]

I'm praying along with you, Peckaboo. I have to add a lot of amens here.....

I think it's kinda cool that you guys know you're going to talk about it soon...and yet you have a bit of time beforehand to really bolster yourself spiritually for whatever is to come. Put on your spiritual armour and prepare to do battle courageously against sin!

That really stood out to me as well.....it's so much easier to prepare in alone time with God---away from the situation. Kind of how Jesus went away and prayed often.

Be loving, but be STRONG! Will be praying for you for sure. (hugs)

Another amen.

I think this is a necessity, not an "if". You can put it in terms that it is "someone to talk to" (rather than "someone to fix you") because that is the truth. Talking all of this out with a third party who is not a part of the marriage can be a massive help.


Just as a back up, make sure you have a place to go, because it's one thing to say "that's it, I'm out of here" - but without a plan, how long would you last? I sincerely hope and pray that it does NOT come to this for you and your h, but think it through, okay?

That's an important point.

But you are not going to do this, are you? Are you going to "work" with him on these issues? I really don't know what to say because I don't want to discourage you, but just .. really difficult, in my experience, to work with your spouse on this. My h really did give me TMI, and sometimes it's still in my head, especially as I know what his triggers are and, like, right now, he's in a position exactly that triggers inappropriate content use for him (at home, bored, frustrated, and with a private login to his own laptop), and so I'm often wondering what he's doing (just like you did with your h online) and how he's handling those triggers. Also, I'm worried that you're setting yourself up for a position where you are walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring him (BTDT too) to see whether he's lonely, and trying to "make" him not feel any of the things that set off his triggers. Do you know what I mean?

That's why I would really strongly suggest that he find a group, or a counselor (or both).


Praying for you and husband, Peek, and also that you survived the Texas storms of the past 24 hours, lol, and you have a safe flight home.

I just do also want to say that your husband is blessed to have such a wife. I hope that you know that. ((((Peekaboo))))

ITA......with ALL of this.....especially that your husband is blessed, and that my hope is that YOU know that.

 

[peckaboo]

Thanks for the encouragement and the prayers, everyone who's posted.

I think this is a necessity, not an "if". You can put it in terms that it is "someone to talk to" (rather than "someone to fix you") because that is the truth. Talking all of this out with a third party who is not a part of the marriage can be a massive help.

He tends to be very much against counseling. Not in principle, but for himself. His mom's a counselor and tends to really pry into his private life, ask a lot of very personal questions etc, so that may have put him off! It takes him a long time to know someone well enough to open up to them about personal things, so I think it would be very difficult for him to attend counseling or similar. But I'm hoping he won't flat out refuse. At the moment he's not willing even to read a book on the topic, but I think that's more because he's being stubborn and not wanting to admit that he can't do it alone.

Just as a back up, make sure you have a place to go, because it's one thing to say "that's it, I'm out of here" - but without a plan, how long would you last? I sincerely hope and pray that it does NOT come to this for you and your h, but think it through, okay?

Good advice - thanks! I hope it doesn't come to that, either, but if it does I will make sure I have a plan in place before I leave the house!

But you are not going to do this, are you? Are you going to "work" with him on these issues? I really don't know what to say because I don't want to discourage you, but just .. really difficult, in my experience, to work with your spouse on this. My h really did give me TMI, and sometimes it's still in my head,

I'm going to try this first. By "work with him" I don't mean being his primary accountability partner, though I do expect him to continue to be honest with me about the times that he slips up. But I'm certainly not qualified or in an emotional position to 'counsel' him about the matter. And I don't want to know the details of what he's seen or done. That is TMI. But I do want to talk with him and lay down what I expect from him, maybe set some goals, and ask him what I can do to help him stick to them. If he absolutely won't accept my involvement in addressing the situation, and there's no improvement in the situation, then I won't really have any choice but to apply the "tough love" approach. But I want to give him the chance to work with me on it, first. Having said that, I've been reading "Love must be tough" and some of the principles in there really resonated with me. I do tend to respond when he's either emotionally unavailable or when he lets me down in a very needy way, and I see how that could be pushing him further away. So I am going to take the advice offered in that book and earlier on this thread to spend more time building up my confidence in the Lord, rather than in him, and not panic when he gets something wrong. I also arranged a couple of "girl-dates" with some girlfriends in the UK in the weeks after I get home, so that I can have some support or at least a distraction from everything that's going on at home.

Having taken a very small break from him earlier this week was very helpful for me in showing me that actually I can function as an independent person, apart from him. I cancultivate my relationship with the Lord, all by myself. I don't have to have daily contact with DH in order to feel like a worthwhile person. And, actually, it's kind of nice sometimes to have a little time to myself just to do the things I want to do, and not think about him, and leave the responsibility and the consequences of whatever he might be doing in his own hands.

Praying for you and husband, Peek, and also that you survived the Texas storms of the past 24 hours, lol, and you have a safe flight home.

I just do also want to say that your husband is blessed to have such a wife. I hope that you know that. ((((Peekaboo))))

Thanks! This is very kind, and I really appreciate it.

 

[Nilla]

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