Suicidal thoughts due to husband's inappropriate content addiction

[chaz345]

This is the lie..the lie from satan..this is 100% false..just becasue he WONT quit deosnt mean he CANT..he CAN quit he is CHOOSING NIOT TO..hes NOT being led by anyone else but HIMSELF..this is one of the obvious things I like to point out when someone ever tries to say the man is "automattically" the leader and can you believe it HER authority?...He WONT(not cant) even make the right OBVIOUS choices for himself or HER....

Anyway dont say 'cant' its WONT.many many many many many COUNTLESS addicts STOP..its when they go from the lie of CANT to the truth of CAN and WILL..

Dallas

True, but the transition from can't to can is a process, not an instantaneous event.

 

[RamseysMom]

RamseysMom, (and others who have mentioned the importance of finding one's worth somewhere outside of one's husband) thank you for your comments. I think this advice is sound and I'm prayerfully tying to figure out how to do this without resorting to finding it in another man, which I know is wrong.

I must say that it is one of THE most difficult things I have ever had to go through and it was so very tempting to give in to the advances of other men. I commend you for recognizing that it would be a temptation to find comfort in a relationship with another man but in the long run it would not solve anything. I have found (as I am sure you have also) that no matter what you try to 'bandage' the hurt caused by inappropriate contentography, it is never quite enough. New clothes, haircuts, fad diets, and other physical remedies are no cure for the pain you feel. I think what hurt the most for me was that he was not seeing another 'real' woman...he would rather be 'intimate' with someone he had never even met, much less touched or cared for. I am sorry that you are dealing with this and I will put your situation in my prayers.

 

[dallasapple]

I just didn't want anyone to have the impression that he's an awful, awful guy in every respect.

I understand your concern and you have no worries on that with me..It takes quite a bit more than what you are describing as far as Im concerned to just total someone out as a 99% jerk..All of us have good adn bad qualities and habits..just what you are dealign with now is a major fault of his..but that doesnt mean hes an all arund terrible person..I can relate..(((HUGS)))

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

True, but the transition from can't to can is a process, not an instantaneous event.

"process" is a vague term..it also means that in the meatime during the "process" the person is CHOOSING to continue the behavior..thats all Im saying..its not thats they "cant' stop..that a bull hockey LIE..they CAN stop ANYTIME they DECIDE to..Dont say "but its hard' NO ONE SAID IT WAS EASY..the point is you CAN stop whenever you decide to and then DO IT..PERIOD end of story..its a CHOICE..its obvius..if you were on an island with NO porb available you shure as heck COULD stop instaniously now couldnt you ?Well that proves its a CHOICE because its availble to you and you CHOOSE to engage..period..

Cant "stop" woukd be like emptying your bladder or beathing..or maybe some obsessive compulsive behaviors ...NOT inappropriate content..not alcohol or drugs..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Oh and just to add.."can stop' isnt a PROCESS..CAN stop is a permenant fact..has been iIDS NOW and will be..at no point is/was the reality "cant stop"..thats what Im saying is that is a LIE..and anyone telling the addict or suggestign that to the addict is LYING to them and helping them continue to stay stuck in that VERY lie..Its was a lie from the onset..its a lie presently and if you continue to beleive that lie it will be your future lie.

Dallas

 

[chaz345]

"process" is a vague term..it also means that in the meatime during the "process" the person is CHOOSING to continue the behavior..thats all Im saying..its not thats they "cant' stop..that a bull hockey LIE..they CAN stop ANYTIME they DECIDE to..Dont say "but its hard' NO ONE SAID IT WAS EASY..the point is you CAN stop whenever you decide to and then DO IT..PERIOD end of story..its a CHOICE..its obvius..if you were on an island with NO porb available you shure as heck COULD stop instaniously now couldnt you ?Well that proves its a CHOICE because its availble to you and you CHOOSE to engage..period..

Cant "stop" woukd be like emptying your bladder or beathing..or maybe some obsessive compulsive behaviors ...NOT inappropriate content..not alcohol or drugs..

Dallas

Addictive behavior isn't entirely a voluntary choice. Not when one doesn't understand what's driving the behavior. It's absolutely not as simple as simply saying to one's self "I'm never going to do that ever again". Most addicts come to a point where they do in fact desparately want to stop but don't know how. They don't know what it is that makes them go back to the behavior that they vowed they'd never return to. Even most cases of "cold turkey" quitting are actually a case where they'd tried several times before to stop and made some progress toward healing during the time they had temporarily stopped.

In the case of one's "drug of choice" being unavailable, in most cases the addictive behavior will simply shift to something else unless the root of the addiction is addressed. That's why so many "recovered" alcoholics smoke like a chimney or consume massive amounts of caffine. One addiction has simply been replaced by another.

Even Paul talks about why does he do that which he desparately doesn't want to do.

We are however getting more than a bit off topic. I've only continued this far because general information about the nature of addiction can be somewhat helpful to the OP in her situation.

 

[mkgal1]

That's all his problem now, as he's not interested in getting help. IMO....it's time for Peckaboo to focus on her and getting herself healthy, as has been pointed out. She has great value and worth...no matter what her H does or doesn't do---that's what's important now. All the rest is just noise. It's not worth the emotional drain.

I think I'm going to continue the topic in the women's only section....

 

[chaz345]

Oh and just to add.."can stop' isnt a PROCESS..CAN stop is a permenant fact..has been iIDS NOW and will be..at no point is/was the reality "cant stop"..thats what Im saying is that is a LIE..and anyone telling the addict or suggestign that to the addict is LYING to them and helping them continue to stay stuck in that VERY lie..Its was a lie from the onset..its a lie presently and if you continue to beleive that lie it will be your future lie.

Dallas

You are, to a point right in saying that telling an addict they can't stop won't do them any good. However, I'm not talking to the addict, I'm talking to the person who is being hurt by the addictive behavior. Trying to help her understand that while his behavior is wrong, and is 100% his responsibility, it's not a case of simply saying "I quit" and the entire problem is solved. If the behavior were the beginning, middle and end of the whole problem that would be the case. And given how many react to this particular behavior, I sometimes think that that is the case in their minds. It's not though.

 

[RamseysMom]

That's all his problem now, as he's not interested in getting help. IMO....it's time for Peckaboo to focus on her and getting herself healthy, as has been pointed out. She has great value and worth...no matter what her H does or doesn't do---that's what's important now. All the rest is just noise. It's not worth the emotional drain.

I think I'm going to continue the topic in the women's only section....

Maybe I am a little slow...I can't find the women's only section! LOL..help!

 

[LinkH]

I suspect sometimes the addiction to inappropriate content can be demonic. Demons don't just work on weird little girls with superhuman strength whose heads spin around in 360 degrees. They can also project thoughts into believers minds. We are to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. The Lord has given us the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, our loins gird about with truth, and our feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace. We also have the shield of faith to protect ourselves against the fiery darts of the wicked. You can't let the fiery darts penetrate your heart and just let them stay there.

Do you ever have those thoughts that are just so bad and painful to think about, but it is addictive to think about them? You may sit there thinking how unloving he is, or how unattractive you must be to him. All your thoughts seem logical and reasonable. You think you know everything that is going on inside his head. But the more you think these dark thoughts, the more you want to think them, and the more you hurt.

When this starts happening, take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. Christ used scripture when the Devil confronted him with temptation. You may want to find some scriptures to think about when these thoughts come to you. Memorize several favorites. Nothing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No weapon formed against us shall prosper. He who began a good work in you shall be faithful to complete it in you.

Is your husband willing to be helped? Is he willing to either put away his computer or have you put some kind of nanny software on it that only you have a password for? Is he willing to get software that sends a list of all the websites he visited to you and a few accountability partners from the church? He may be under demonic attack and needs a lot of prayer right now.

 

[mkgal1]

No, you're not slow, Ramsey's Mom. It's probably since you are a new member. Post in this thread (that thread is in the Welcome Center--under "member how to's") that you don't have access and someone will get you set up, so that you do.

 

[chaz345]

I suspect sometimes the addiction to inappropriate content can be demonic. Demons don't just work on weird little girls with superhuman strength whose heads spin around in 360 degrees. They can also project thoughts into believers minds. We are to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. The Lord has given us the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, our loins gird about with truth, and our feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace. We also have the shield of faith to protect ourselves against the fiery darts of the wicked. You can't let the fiery darts penetrate your heart and just let them stay there.

Do you ever have those thoughts that are just so bad and painful to think about, but it is addictive to think about them? You may sit there thinking how unloving he is, or how unattractive you must be to him. All your thoughts seem logical and reasonable. You think you know everything that is going on inside his head. But the more you think these dark thoughts, the more you want to think them, and the more you hurt.

When this starts happening, take those thoughts captive to the obedience of Christ. Christ used scripture when the Devil confronted him with temptation. You may want to find some scriptures to think about when these thoughts come to you. Memorize several favorites. Nothing shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. No weapon formed against us shall prosper. He who began a good work in you shall be faithful to complete it in you.

Is your husband willing to be helped? Is he willing to either put away his computer or have you put some kind of nanny software on it that only you have a password for? Is he willing to get software that sends a list of all the websites he visited to you and a few accountability partners from the church? He may be under demonic attack and needs a lot of prayer right now.

There absolutely can be a demonic/spiritual component to any addiction, which is another reason that it's not simply a matter of the addict saying "I'm done" and the problem is solved.

 

[mkgal1]

I suspect sometimes the addiction to inappropriate content can be demonic. Demons don't just work on weird little girls with superhuman strength whose heads spin around in 360 degrees. They can also project thoughts into believers minds. We are to bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. The Lord has given us the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, our loins gird about with truth, and our feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace. We also have the shield of faith to protect ourselves against the fiery darts of the wicked. You can't let the fiery darts penetrate your heart and just let them stay there.

That's the point, though.....Peckaboo cannot control her H's thoughts and take them captive---he needs to first see a reason to, and do it himself. That's ALL his stuff---not hers.

 

[chaz345]

That's the point, though.....Peckaboo cannot control her H's thoughts and take them captive---he needs to first see a reason to, and do it himself. That's ALL his stuff---not hers.

Absolutely true. But at the same time, does she not have a part to play in encouraging and assisting in that in any way she can? And does an angry ultimatum do that?

 

[peckaboo]

RamseysMom, if you go to the CF home page, where it lists all the different sub-forums, scroll down about halfway down the page to the 'Ministry' section, and there's a section called 'Women's Discussion (Women Only)'. That may be where mkgal1 is referring to.

Also, what you said about him being 'intimate' with someone that he'd never cared for it so true. Not that it would be better for him to fall deeply in love with someone else and be intimate with them (Please, God, not that, never that.), but the fact that he's able to take a sexual act that I believe is borderline sacred and still holds such a holy joy and mystery for me, and give it to someone that means nothing to him, makes our own sex life seem dirty somehow. Somehow it taints even the sexual things that we've done together in love and with pure motives.

With regard to the discussion about addictive behaviour, it's actually kind of helpful for me to focus on the fact that it's an addiction, rather than dwelling on each isolated incident of inappropriate content-viewing and analysing what I might have said / worn / done to drive him to that. As a recovered anorexic, the stuff about desperately wanting to change but not being able to really resonates with me. It doesn't make his actions less wrong or less hurtful to me. It doesn't lessen the damage that it's doing to our marriage or to the trust between us, but it does shed a little light on his side of the story. I do believe he's making a choice every time he looks at inappropriate content, just as every time I lied about having eaten when I hadn't, or indulged in any number of tricks to make my weight appear higher on the scales at the doctor's office than it really was. But I also remember how it felt to desperately want to change and believe that I was powerless to do so, and how alone I felt when I was trapped in this cycle of trying my hardest and failing. This behaviour broke my parents' heart, but they never gave up on me.

I'm still not entirely clear about what the right thing is for me to do, especially as he veers between asking for my help (eg asking me to put a filter on the computer, though that was a while ago, and now he has a smartphone and laptop that have no filter on), absolutely resisting my help and insisting he can fix it himself, and appearing to lose all hope and resign himself to a marriage where this is a permament feature. Until I know what he honestly believes and wants, it's difficult for me to pitch my response to him. I honestly don't know whether he's willing to be helped or even wants to give it up, deep in his heart.

I really appreciate all of the support and prayers and advice I've been receiving here - I wish I could tell you all what it means to me that you take time out of your days to help someone you've never met.

 

[LinkH]

McScribe, thank you for your encouragement. Your advice is also wise. However, I'm not suicidal in the sense that I desire death or believe that life is hopeless. It's just that there are only two ways out of a marriage - divorce or death. I promised to be with him until one of us dies and I take those vows very seriously. I feel like, if he's not willing to eliminate inappropriate content from our marriage, and I'm not willing to live in a marriage where inappropriate content plays a part, this is the only option available to me.

Is killing yourself not murder? Would you want to stand before God if suicide were your last action?

Btw, have you told your husband you had thought of suicide and your reasoning behind it.

Btw, this line of reasoning you have about killing yourself to get out of the situation sounds like it could be a demonic line of reasoning being fed to you. Why would you accept it? Rebuke it, and meditate on the word of God. To be the overcomer God intends you to be, you will have to struggle and even suffer a little bit. Suicide is not the way to be an overcomer. Aren't you trusting God to help you with this? What about all those prayers? Isn't God big enough to answer them? Believe God. Do you think suicide is God's way of dealing with this situation? Is that going to be glorifying to God? If you committed suicide, do you think He will say, "Well done, though good and faithful servant." He might say that to a woman who endured difficulties in marriage faithfully. He might say that to a woman who faithfully prayed for a husband whose inappropriate content addiction looked hopeless, and believed God until he was set free-- and had a testimony to encourage others. You don't get to be an overcomer in God's kingdom unless you have something to overcome. God is big enough to help you through this.

My parents are missionaries and I also work for a mission organisation. When I was a teenager and got into trouble, some of my parents' supporters withdrew their support from them. I'm afraid that if I were to get a divorce it would reflect so badly on my parents that more people would withdraw their financial support. This support is already low due to an aging population in their church, and if they were to lose supporters they couldn't afford to live. If I had kids, I would reconsider this as, in that situation, I think it would be less harmful for my kids to have their parents divorce than to have a parent commit suicide.

If you committed suicide, that would be bad for your parents' reputation. Do you think having a daughter that commits suicide is better for them than having a daughter who got a divorce? I'm not encouraging you to get a divorce, but if you did, you could reconcile when your husband gets out of this. Suicide doesn't give you that option.

I like what one pastor around here likes to say, be careful about choosing permanent solutions to temporary problems.

I don't believe that my husband loves me in such a way that my death would impact him greatly, which is why I don't consider whether my committing suicide would be harmful to him - I think aside from the potential embarrassment/stigma it wouldn't have a great effect on him.

Have you asked him about that?

Stan and Dreamer, I'm sorry to keep asking questions about your advice. I'm not trying to pick holes in it, I guess I'm just frightened to do it because it seems like such a big risk, so I want to know everything I can about what to expect. If I tell him that I'm not willing to live with this anymore and that if he doesn't take evident steps to address it I will remove myself from the situation and go live somewhere else until he's willing to address it, I think he'll just stop telling me when he's looking at it. He's a smart guy, and knows how to get around the filter software we have on our computers, knows how to hide his browsing history, and how to clear the cache on his computer. So even if I was to go sneaking around on his computer / mobile devices, which I've promised him I won't do without him present, I wouldn't find anything. Dreamer, after you stood up to your husband like that, how did you find out that he was still doing it?

I think there is some kind of DNS directory thing that tracks every website on the computer. If he can use DOS, he may be able to wipe this. Does he have to have a computer to do his work?

 

[Romanseight2005]

Good for you.

Are you concerned at all that the Bible speaks against Christians lusting after a woman in their heart? Or that we are to consider "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable .. excellent or praiseworthy." Perhaps you think that watching prostitutes at work is all of these things. Most of us don't.

Yes, and how about avoiding all appearance of evil. Or if you know the good you ought to do, and don't do it, it's a sin.

 

[hijklmnop]

Absolutely true. But at the same time, does she not have a part to play in encouraging and assisting in that in any way she can? And does an angry ultimatum do that?

Sometimes, yes.

 

[hijklmnop]

McScribe, thank you for your encouragement. Your advice is also wise. However, I'm not suicidal in the sense that I desire death or believe that life is hopeless. It's just that there are only two ways out of a marriage - divorce or death. I promised to be with him until one of us dies and I take those vows very seriously. I feel like, if he's not willing to eliminate inappropriate content from our marriage, and I'm not willing to live in a marriage where inappropriate content plays a part, this is the only option available to me.

It's absolutely not. He might end up choosing your marriage over inappropriate content, which would be a whole new start for you guys, you might end up choosing divorce over marriage with inappropriate content, which could be a whole new start to your life, or you might find a way, with support, to stay in the marriage and be healthy and whole despite his unresolved addiction. Death is NOT your only option. It never is. A new and different kind of life is not worse than death, and indeed might be a better life than you can even imagine right now.

My parents are missionaries and I also work for a mission organisation. When I was a teenager and got into trouble, some of my parents' supporters withdrew their support from them. I'm afraid that if I were to get a divorce it would reflect so badly on my parents that more people would withdraw their financial support. This support is already low due to an aging population in their church, and if they were to lose supporters they couldn't afford to live. If I had kids, I would reconsider this as, in that situation, I think it would be less harmful for my kids to have their parents divorce than to have a parent commit suicide.

I have two books to suggest that helped me a lot with my codependency issues (worrying about and catering to others to the detriment of myself (and sometimes them)). Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, and The Confident Woman by Joyce Meyers. They really helped me establish my own identity, confidence and worth in Christ apart from others. I think you could benefit in the same ways I have.

I don't believe that my husband loves me in such a way that my death would impact him greatly, which is why I don't consider whether my committing suicide would be harmful to him - I think aside from the potential embarrassment/stigma it wouldn't have a great effect on him.

I honestly believe that is a lie from Satan about your self-worth and worth to others that you are believing. I don't believe for a second that it's true. However, the fact that you feel so unloved is something that needs to be dealt with immediately. Your husband needs to know this.

Stan and Dreamer, I'm sorry to keep asking questions about your advice. I'm not trying to pick holes in it, I guess I'm just frightened to do it because it seems like such a big risk, so I want to know everything I can about what to expect. If I tell him that I'm not willing to live with this anymore and that if he doesn't take evident steps to address it I will remove myself from the situation and go live somewhere else until he's willing to address it, I think he'll just stop telling me when he's looking at it. He's a smart guy, and knows how to get around the filter software we have on our computers, knows how to hide his browsing history, and how to clear the cache on his computer. So even if I was to go sneaking around on his computer / mobile devices, which I've promised him I won't do without him present, I wouldn't find anything. Dreamer, after you stood up to your husband like that, how did you find out that he was still doing it?

Thank you all again for all of your advice and input.

No worries, ask all the questions you want. It IS a big risk, I'm not going to sugarcoat that. May I suggest Love Must be Tough by James Dobson as well. Another great book regarding establishing boundaries in marriage when one spouse won't quit their destructive sinful habits.

I've always had my ways of finding out about my h's activities, whether he'd get sloppy and leave evidence on the computer somewhere or some random stranger would give me an online heads-up (yes, oddly enough that happened a few times), or my instincts about his behaviour would just scream at me that something was up. (Never underestimate your instincts)

He works with electronics for a living, so even now, I am well aware that if he REALLY wanted to get away with something he could find a way. Spiritually, I'm confident that God would let me know the truth somehow, sometime, but I do not have control over that. In the early days, when he decided to do whatever it took, we installed WebWatcher on all computers he had access to. This is great software for filtering stuff and I could see everything, and I mean everything, anyone did on those computers (screenshots every 2 minutes and all). I never thought he'd go along with that because he was always flaky about it in years previous (aka not committed to true change). He'd let me grab his phone and search it at any time with no resistance...text me pics of him while out to prove his whereabouts, etc. Basically he agreed to be as open a book as possible for me with none of the resistance he would have given me before. Over time, as his behaviour and attitudes seemed more and more in line with a RECOVERING sex addict and not an ACTIVE sex addict, I've felt less and less of a need to check up on him. I still do every now and then but nowhere near what it was in the early days, nor even in the years leading up to the big blow-up. Red flags at this point would be if he started changing back to the "old him" in attitudes and behaviour, insisting upon privacy again, etc. That stuff just doesn't have a place in our marriage anymore. He knows that if at any time I feel ill at ease I have the right to check as much out as I want...including reinstalling the software on everything again (I've let it lapse).

Basically what I've come to terms with in counseling is that I don't NEED to catch him red-handed again in order to "know" if something's off. I am allowed to listen to my instincts, and I do now. If he REALLY wants to get away with something, technically, he COULD find a way to hide the evidence. But somehow...I feel I'll always have some hint that something's not right. I ALWAYS had it before, and it's only since the big change that I have felt the freedom of actually believing he's not up to anything. So for me the question isn't "How can I catch him?" anymore, but, "Do I trust him right now?" If the answer is a persistent no and I'm becoming preoccupied with wanting to "catch" him, I'd seriously think about leaving as I personally don't want to endure a marriage with no trust and therefore little respect again. But if the answer is a persistent yes, I do trust him and don't feel the need to check up on him, then I'm content to stick around and live with the risk that I'm temporarily missing something. That's what I've decided, and it's different for everybody.

The truth is that Biblically you have the right to divorce on grounds of adultery and not feel guilty about it. It's all up to you right now, and that's hard, it's a lot of pressure, but that should also feel empowering when you really think about it. You can call the shots right now as far as what you decide you want and need and what YOU can withstand and what YOU need HIM to do to prove to you that he is someone you can trust. I needed a counselor to walk me through that process because I was so used to feeling powerless and not having the "right" to call ANY shots in our relationship; also because I was so petrified that standing up to him would just result in me losing him. That had to become a risk I was willing to take, and that only became possible when I came to fully understand my identity as a whole, worthy human being in CHRIST, not in my husband.

So for me, the main change I saw in my h was humility. A willingness to do and absorb whatever I wanted and needed while I healed. A willingness to take complete responsibility for his actions; no excuses or blaming or mindgames. A willingness to forfeit pride and privacy. If those things ever change we'll have a serious problem on our hands, but as long as those things remain in my relationship, my trust grows. It's slow-going, but it's been worth it. So far, so good is my mantra. I no longer pressure myself to stick with it til I die. Now I just stick with it as long as it's worth it to, and a lot of things ride on that, primarily my children. I know now that things could change drastically that are out of my control, and that "til death" clause is just way too much pressure for me! Even Jesus didn't demand that of us with no "out" clauses, remember. It's obvious you take your vows very seriously...I did and still do, too (I'm sure some would say otherwise but I don't care)...but if the other DOESN'T...there's only so much you can do to save your marriage without letting it destroy you.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Yes, humility is the main thing. I remember talking to a woman once who's husband was severely addicted to sex. He went to PureLife Ministries live in treatment. On the way there, he had sex with 2 prostitutes. Here is the thing though, after he had been there for 6 months, she went to visit him, and not only was he repentant, truly and completely, but he was humble in the small things, that he never was before. Some of the kinds of things that she noticed were things like stopping at red lights. As odd as that may sound, that was one of the things that he didn't do before. There were so many little things that had all changed, and that really is scriptural. He who is faithful in the little things, will be faithful with the bigger things. I am not saying that all people who go through red lights, are sex addicts, by any means, but I am saying that you will know when he's really changed, by seeing it in the little things.