Suicidal thoughts due to husband's inappropriate content addiction

peckaboo

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Peckaboo......have you shared with your counselor that you've had thoughts of harming yourself?

He knows that I have a history of self-harm, and that I was admitted to hospital last year after slitting my wrists. My DH responded with such force when I slit my wrists that I was frightened, and told him and the doctors and the counselor that I hadn't been suicidal; I'd just made a mistake.

I just feel so melodramatic telling people that I feel like that; I'd rather not tell anyone.

I'm sorry to be posting such a downer thread - I really am normally an upbeat kind of person! :/
 
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hijklmnop

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I know what you mean peckaboo, and I know how it feels to feel so afraid to handle it "wrong" and drive him away forever. But you lived before him and if push came to shove and he made the monumental mistake of choosing inappropriate content over you, you can live after him. You just have to learn to look to God for your peace, joy and hope instead of your h, and then you'll start to understand how much more meaning there is to your life BEYOND your marriage. I really think the best thing you can do right now is put his issue as far on the backburner as you can manage and make your life about healing yourself....pray, read the Bible, seek support and seek counseling. Do things that make you happy. Leave your h's problems up to him while you focus your energy on healing yourself. No matter what happens between you and him, positive or negative, you will be better equipped to handle it spiritually and emotionally. Right now you are empty and you need to let God fill you up in every way possible. I'm so remembering being in the place you are in right now and I can't say it enough....it gets better. It gets better. But you have to let go of this and grab onto God and all the help you can get right now.
 
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kiwimac

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Why is one presumably adult person trying to dictate what another presumably adult person can do? Assuming your husband is capable of making his own decisions how does this even impact you? Looking is not the same as doing.
 
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peckaboo

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Why is one presumably adult person trying to dictate what another presumably adult person can do? Assuming your husband is capable of making his own decisions how does this even impact you? Looking is not the same as doing.

I'm not trying to dictate what he can and can't do. I just want him to honour the commitments that he made when we got married, to be faithful to me alone. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Biblically, looking is the same as doing, as per the "if any of you looks at a woman (or man, presumably) lustfully, he has already commited adultery with her in his heart" verse.

I'm not even going to go into how this impacts me because all it takes is a simple google search into "spouses of inappropriate content addicts" or "inappropriate content and divorce" to answer that question.
 
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peckaboo

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If you are going to quote Jesus' when he is speaking hyperbolically I assume you also advocate cutting off arms and plucking out eyes?

I wasn't speaking hyperbolically. I believe Jesus meant that verse literally. The verse about cutting off arms and plucking out eyes, you can take literally if you wish, but I think He was talking more generally about removing sources of temptation as far as possible.

In any case, the problem I have with inappropriate content isn't only related to the inappropriate content use itself, though I do believe that that's morally wrong. But I'm strugglng as much with the betrayal that accompanies the inappropriate content use, and my awareness that this type of behaviour tends to increase in frequency and/or severity, as from the inappropriate content itself. As I mentioned in an earlier post, DH and I discussed inappropriate content use prior to getting married, and it was one of the things we both agreed not to do.

If you genuinely don't think there's anything wrong with a married man sitting in bed and seeking out images of other women on the internet, while his wife lies asleep beside him, then I guess we're just on a different page with regards to this issue, and I'm going to respectfully disagree with you.
 
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hijklmnop

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Maybe we should take this to the Married Women's personal forum peckaboo? Just a thought....

Anyways, when I finally put my foot down via packing up the kids and myself and leaving him (this after many years of saying "enough!" but not being brave enough to DO anything to back my words up)...the first month was awful. He was angry and incredibly cold. I still wanted things to work out but refused to go back unless and until he was willing to change in a big way. It was when I finally started getting help and stopped begging and pleading and putting serious thought and effort into moving forward with my own life that things changed. He said he suddenly looked around one night and thought, "What am I DOING?" and God really spoke to Him about what he was losing, and what for. Anyways, the next few months were marked by him selling our home, all our stuff, his business, and moving across the country to be in the same city as me and the kids. We lived separately for about 6 months all told while seeing each other tentatively, and spent a few months each of us in individual counseling before our counselors each gave us the green light to start couples counseling. We also each went to Celebrate Recovery...me for codependency and anger, him for sex addiction. Here we met sponsors and accountability partners...people to help us along our individual journeys so we weren't the only ones shouldering each other's burdens and bringing each other down. Secrets were out the window. Anyone who knows us well knows what happened and he had to get over that. It was not just "his" stuff, it was mine, and I needed to stop holding it all inside. You deserve the same. The story of your marriage struggles is every bit as much yours as his. Don't be held hostage by "privacy".

Slowly but surely we have been rebuilding our relationship. We put serious accountability software on computers though that hasn't been in place anymore for a while now. He texted me pics of himself when out to show me where he was at. Basically, it took a bit, but he did come to a place where he was willing to do pretty much anything to kick the habit and repair the damage he'd done. He needed to be humbled and woken up to the damage his actions had caused, and quite frankly it sounds like your h does too.

I know it is scary because ultimately, putting your foot down COULD mean losing him. But the reality is that in that case, you'd only be letting a man go who thinks that his freedom to watch inappropriate content is more important than his marriage and his wife's emotional wellbeing. I know you love him, but you deserve better than that. He probably doesn't even realize that's the reality, but maybe it's time someone told him that.

I had to come to a place where I was healthy and happy enough on my OWN that I knew I'd be okay and happy whether my h wanted me as I was or not. That his desire for me did not dictate the meaning of my life. God gave my life meaning long before I even met my h...you too!

If you do nothing, chances are nothing will change...soon, anyways. Sometimes people have the strength to wait it out for a long time...but it sounds like you are at the end of being able to play the waiting game any longer. Don't feel obligated to push yourself beyond what you can bear. It's not fair for your h to promise to stop and keep dangling that carrot while doing NOTHING to stop himself!

If you do something, it's a risk...you might lose him (and free yourself to enjoy life NOT bogged down by someone else's addiction)...but, as happened in my case, you MIGHT be used by God to set in motion a miraculous change...the kind you can't even envision right now. What you're doing now (keeping his secrets, being his accountability partner, and giving him chance after chance) isn't working for him and it's destroying you. You need a new game plan. :)
 
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Stephen Kendall

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inappropriate content is not even in scripture. People who get mad at people who use inappropriate content are judging someone else for a 'sin' that scripture doesn't even recognize. I'm sure there is a name for people who do that but I'm not sure what it is.

inappropriate content is lusting after someone who isn't your wife (especially in your mind). It is covered in the Bible, because it is in the mind whether from a magazine, internet, imagination, talk or any other way. We are guilty of adultery, if we just think it (from Jesus). Most men play games with their thoughts, allowing them to not follow the wisdom of Jesus. They are all guilty, as Jesus have warned them. Only the addition part of guilt is the iniquity of not using Jesus' wisdom. A man knows when that tiny bit of thought would lead him to sin. He has to show caution or will experience the truth of what Jesus has said. The addiction is likely lust taking over our slightest step that may open the door back to it. We have just enough will power to say that we will try and we do for a short time, but we need to listen closely to Jesus and deny ANY comradeship with these door openers. A man's pride of self-directing is also his downfall. We need to instead, see a real danger and evil as Jesus warned us. Guard our very thoughts (everyone of them) and get back out of that mine field! I find it distasteful for me to listen to the men-talk popular trash against women. It is extremely important for both women and men to avoid any of this. What a polluted world we have.

All of our addictions are similar. I had a problem with inappropriate content. Most all of us have a problem of another type, it is another subject and I am personally dealing with now (poor eating and poor life-style). To eat better and live better takes a sort of holy (purely correct) knowledge to know what the heck you are doing! I have found a very excellent science base source of knowledge and am succeeding in this. There is much to win in this world. We are still to die and face God, but we are born to do more than feed our addictions & lust. We are as Jesus has stated to conquer and follow him. Addictions of all types have to be dealt with. Our culture makes these addictions set in stone, but Jesus helps us in them all. Learning to overcome food addictions (the bad stuff, most of it) is to become more holy by not living by bread alone, even to fast could be part of overcoming. Science is extremely supportive in all of this, as I have found (God made a marvelous human body for us).

Overcoming our weaknesses should be a top priority for all of us and that of helping each other. Those like myself who have conquered some should help those who are stressed with these things, to show encouragement that just humans are able to follow Christ. The stains are totally wiped out. Love you.
 
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What I'm actually seeing here according to what you have said previously is that it has a detrimental effect on your intimate life, and that that is why it is a concern, primarily. It draws your husband away from you.

What Autumnleaf has said is very true. I think what you need above all things is peace in your own heart before you proceed with anything. I know how hard it can be to deal with unhappiness in marriage, and a lot of it feels like it sticks to you. This is why you need to put on the full armor of God, and understand that your marriage was entered into not by perfect people but by sinners who needed God's grace then and need it now. It feels like your marriage is tainted, but in truth we all are and only washed clean by God's mercy.
 
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sdmsanjose

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Peakaboo

Dreamer has been there done that and is telling you the truth. Listen to her she has live it and won and is not someone that is trying to defend inappropriate contento by saying “Looking is not the same as “doing.

Stan
 
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kiwimac

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I have taken the time to speak with my wife and asked others as well. Perhaps this is more a US kind of thing. I have to say though that I do not, literally can not see the problem with this. Human life is difficult enough without adding things to the burdens we all carry especially things which are not mentioned in scripture. You may well feel that Jesus' comments actually justify your stance, I do not nor do I think the Greek text underneath it supports your interpretation.

I understand that it is a problem for you and to that degree I empathise but I see it neither as sin nor as a reason to end a marriage. Frankly, if you are going to end a marriage this seems to me not a good reason to do so.
 
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kiwimac

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Peakaboo

Dreamer has been there done that and is telling you the truth. Listen to her she has live it and won and is not someone that is trying to defend inappropriate contento by saying “Looking is not the same as “doing.

Stan

Ah, big words so it must be important. I am not defending inappropriate contentography per se what I'm defending is the concept that one person does not have the right to dictate what another reads or watches, that way lies others deciding what is allowable for you to see and ultimately to know. Putting in plain, simple words, I am absolutely opposed to censorship of adults by adults.
 
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RamseysMom

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Does anybody else out there struggle with this? I know I've posted in other threads about trying to understand his problem and be grateful for the fact that he's (allegedly) trying to change, but I just can't take it anymore. I'm tired of his excuses and justifications and trying to put the blame on me. I'm tired of trying to forgive, of going to bed with someone and knowing that they're sitting in bed next to you, while you're asleep, looking at other women. I'm tired of praying for him. I'm tired of feeling rejected and inadequate. I'm tired of trying to be better, prettier, thinner, sexier. Is there anyone else out there who just doesn't even want to be here anymore, dealing with this day after day?

I did not take the time to read all of the other posts, but I can relate to what you are going through. I posted a few days ago that my husband and I had seperated for about six months recently and it was mainly because of his inappropriate contentography addiction. I would not advise that you leave your husband because only you can make that choice but I can say that change is possible. I went through 12 years of dealing with his inappropriate contentography problem. I felt hurt, ugly, abused, and neglected through most of that time. The only advice that I got was either divorce him or keep praying for him. Neither of those suggestions made me feel better.

I made decisions that I should not have made because of the hurt that it caused me and in the long run I realized that making him feel bad for it only made things worse. What I did not understand is that he felt just as awful about lying and the way it made me feel as I did. All my accusations and reminders of his behavior just made things worse and pushed him further into his issues.

I'm not sure when it happened, but something just clicked while we were seperated and we were able to have open and honest conversations about what started his addiction and how it made him feel. Now we are in counseling and it seems to be helping tremendously. He has slipped up a few times but the difference now is that instead of hiding it and lying to me about it, he is honest with me and I changed the way that I respond to it.

I know that not every situation is the same but I can tell you that it can change. Sometimes you have to change things for yourself first. I had to find my self esteem somewhere other than in my husband. I had to realize that his inappropriate contentography use had nothing to do with me and everything to do with what was going on inside of him. That took a lot of prayer but that really caused the 'click' that changed everything for us. I will certainly pray for you as I know how difficult all of this can be. Just know that things can change...just maybe not in the way that you would expect.
 
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chaz345

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Peckabo,
If you are interested in the perspective of a man who has been there, done that and who has beaten it, PM me. I can't share publically because I will be accused of defending or justifying inappropriate content use or of blaming you even though that's the last thing I'd do, but I completely understand if a PM conversation with a man on this subject is something you are not comfortable with.
 
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JaneFW

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Putting in plain, simple words, I am absolutely opposed to censorship of adults by adults.
Good for you.

Are you concerned at all that the Bible speaks against Christians lusting after a woman in their heart? Or that we are to consider "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable .. excellent or praiseworthy." Perhaps you think that watching prostitutes at work is all of these things. Most of us don't.
 
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Well...the inappropriate contentography is in a sense not the issue, though it seems to be. The real important thing is to live as a person who is strong in their faith. When you are feeling suicidal, you are giving up hope. My first concern when I saw this was not the inappropriate contentography but "this woman is so unhappy she wants to kill herself--she mustn't do that." I wanted to encourage her to live.

That's what Jesus does for us--we live in a way that leads to death. People who are fully living by faith are not suicidal. Often our self loathing and unhappiness can keep us from having faith. In a way I could care less about the inappropriate contentography. If it wasn't one thing it would be another. One person wants to die because of the misery they feel at not being able to provide for their family; another wants to die because they lost their marriage altogether; another wants to die because they just feel that life will never get any better.

To me the ultimate solution is to have faith, that God is who He says He is and that we are who He says we are.
 
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peckaboo

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RamseysMom, (and others who have mentioned the importance of finding one's worth somewhere outside of one's husband) thank you for your comments. I think this advice is sound and I'm prayerfully tying to figure out how to do this without resorting to finding it in another man, which I know is wrong.

McScribe, thank you for your encouragement. Your advice is also wise. However, I'm not suicidal in the sense that I desire death or believe that life is hopeless. It's just that there are only two ways out of a marriage - divorce or death. I promised to be with him until one of us dies and I take those vows very seriously. I feel like, if he's not willing to eliminate inappropriate content from our marriage, and I'm not willing to live in a marriage where inappropriate content plays a part, this is the only option available to me. My parents are missionaries and I also work for a mission organisation. When I was a teenager and got into trouble, some of my parents' supporters withdrew their support from them. I'm afraid that if I were to get a divorce it would reflect so badly on my parents that more people would withdraw their financial support. This support is already low due to an aging population in their church, and if they were to lose supporters they couldn't afford to live. If I had kids, I would reconsider this as, in that situation, I think it would be less harmful for my kids to have their parents divorce than to have a parent commit suicide.

I don't believe that my husband loves me in such a way that my death would impact him greatly, which is why I don't consider whether my committing suicide would be harmful to him - I think aside from the potential embarrassment/stigma it wouldn't have a great effect on him.

Stan and Dreamer, I'm sorry to keep asking questions about your advice. I'm not trying to pick holes in it, I guess I'm just frightened to do it because it seems like such a big risk, so I want to know everything I can about what to expect. If I tell him that I'm not willing to live with this anymore and that if he doesn't take evident steps to address it I will remove myself from the situation and go live somewhere else until he's willing to address it, I think he'll just stop telling me when he's looking at it. He's a smart guy, and knows how to get around the filter software we have on our computers, knows how to hide his browsing history, and how to clear the cache on his computer. So even if I was to go sneaking around on his computer / mobile devices, which I've promised him I won't do without him present, I wouldn't find anything. Dreamer, after you stood up to your husband like that, how did you find out that he was still doing it?

Thank you all again for all of your advice and input.
 
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peckaboo

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You're welcome. I'm very struck by how you are concerned about what would happen to your parents' ministry if you separated. Is this concern keeping you from reaching out to your family or other church friends for help?

No... with regard to reaching out to church friends, it's not so much fear for my parents' ministry as the fact that we don't really have any church friends because we're currently in-between churches. We went to one recently that we liked and I'm praying that we might settle there and find some Christian friends/peers, but at the moment we have hardly any. My colleagues are almost exclusively Christian, but they're also almost exclusively middle-aged men so although they're wonderful people it's not the same as having a close, female friend my own age to confide in. DH also has almost no Christian friends, plus he's very introverted so he would need to know and trust someone for years before their relationship got to the stage where he could confide in them about something like this. I think if he had more of a Christian influence in his life, his struggle would be easier, but he's trying to face it all on his own, so it's hard for him.

With regard to confiding in family, I told DH a while ago, when he seemed willing to work with me on the issue, that I wouldn't tell any mutual friends/family about this. I was trying to build trust I guess, but just ended up isolating us both. This of course goes back to the issue of enabling, which has been discussed earlier in the thread.

I've also added this caveat to the original post, but I'd just like to say that aside from this issue, he's a really good guy. He helps around the house, he spends time with me when I'm lonely, and whenever we have a non-inappropriate content-related problem, he works with me in a mature and godly way to rectify it. It's only with regard to this particular problem that he just turns into a completely different person. That wasn't so bad at the beginning, but the deeper he gets into this addiction, the more often he turns into this other guy, and he just doesn't see that.

I just didn't want anyone to have the impression that he's an awful, awful guy in every respect.
 
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dallasapple

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God and her husband both love her. The husband would quit if he could but evidently he can't. That is the nature of addiction.

This is the lie..the lie from satan..this is 100% false..just becasue he WONT quit deosnt mean he CANT..he CAN quit he is CHOOSING NIOT TO..hes NOT being led by anyone else but HIMSELF..this is one of the obvious things I like to point out when someone ever tries to say the man is "automattically" the leader and can you believe it HER authority?...He WONT(not cant) even make the right OBVIOUS choices for himself or HER....

Anyway dont say 'cant' its WONT.many many many many many COUNTLESS addicts STOP..its when they go from the lie of CANT to the truth of CAN and WILL..

Dallas
 
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