suddenly unkind neighbors, sons oblivious

[rebelson]

I will try to keep this short as possible. We have 2 boys- 11 & 10, we homeschool. They are very active but kind. Maybe a little naive for their age, too. Not sure if the older one doesn't have a very, very faint touch of Aspergers.

Just a little background on why I am posting.

Family across street also homeschools. Usually sweet family. Mom had 8 kids, 5 left at home, 3 flew the coop. Oldest 18, 16, 14 (boy), 13(girl), 11(girl). The lower 3 used to all be out playing ALL the time w/my boys. But, about a year ago, the 14yo boy, whom my boys love!...stopped coming out (or over) to play. You know, he's a teen now. About 6 months ago, the now 13yo really slowed on coming out (or over) to play. Also, and again, she's a teen now. The youngest girl, 11, has all those 'older' siblings around her. So, I am guessing she picks up on stuff from them.

They are nice kids, fairly well-behaved, and all have gotten along great with my boys. Rarely a fight. They have had an open door here, to play in our home, and have spent a TON of time here. Playing video games, nerf wars in our basement, watching movies, anything. I have taken them on field trips with us-often paying their way(their mother hasn't been big on field trips), fed them lunches and dinners here, pet sat their flock of animals (guinea pig, hamsters, fish, dog) for free and also most of time last minute-as they don't ask me until the day they're leaving!(taking advantage?), I could go on w/the list. Long story short, I've been quite kind to them. My sons have been very kind to them and good friends to them.

Since around 6wks ago now, neither one of the 2 girls have knocked on our door to play. It just totally stopped one week. Nothing happened that week, they were here playing the last time I saw them. No fight occurred.

My boys didn't really notice for around 3wks....and were happy to just be inside, it was cold out anyways. Then, around the 4th week, (2wks ago) they started asking to go knock and see if the girls could play. Fast forward, every time they asked, there was an excuse. If there were excuses in the way past, they would say "we will be out in 30 minutes OR we will come over when we are done" OR something like that. Now, they give the reason and then nothing. Until the next time, next day when the boys want to ask again. Same thing-they can't play.

I was trying to figure out what it could be. Perhaps the younger girl is tired of playing out too? You know, girls mature faster AND she is around teen siblings...and so maybe she's 'done' with the outside....playing with my boys thing. I can totally understand that. Anyways, it really doesn't matter at this point.

The other day, the 18yo (girl-she is not the nicest 18yo, snarky, rebellious), the 14yo boy, the 13yo girl and the 11yo girl were all out in driveway playing basketball or some 'ball' game. I beckoned to the boys since they've been dying to play with them...to go say hi! They did.

What my boys told me that transpired over that 10-15 minutes of being over there, was not nice. Not horrible, but not nice. Certainly not behavior that 'I' have witnessed in these kids before. I have always loved having them over because they don't curse, don't watch movies that my boys aren't allowed to watch, listen to christian music, and such.

Thing is, my boys were OBLIVIOUS to the treatment they were receiving from their sibling friends the other day. I am not going to get in to the details, but believe me. They were NOT being kind. In fact, secretly mocking my boys. Which I have never known them to do.

Because my boys were oblivious to the unkindness of the siblings, I had to point it out to them. I want them to grow up to be kind and forgiving. BUT, with that said, I do NOT want them to be door mats to others. I don't know when kids start to be more keen on picking up on social cues, but they seem very oblivious to most social cues that I feel they should be atleast starting to notice. Unless they are overt, like being called a 'name' or some such, that they will pick up on.

So with the fact that they have, for 2wks, been knocking on neighbors door to keep receiving 'no' for an answer to playing...and now they were basically secretly mocked by the same 3, I feel like a break needs to occur. When I told them, gently so, they were like 'why do we need to take a break?'

Unfortunately, I had to delve a little deeper with them. Just told them, 'when people don't treat us kindly or decently, we need to take a step back, give them some space. We don't let people do that to us.'

Bless their little hearts, they are super sweet. I want them to stay that way, but I also don't want them to grow up tolerating that treatment. I don't care who it is! This has happened many times in the past, so I felt like it was time to 'have that talk'. I had to actually point out the certain behavior that neighbors 'did', that was not kind, as they didn't 'get it'. After they did 'get it'. But, I had to show it to them.

Has anyone got any positive input for me? Or had this experience? Again, not sure if the older one is Aspie, could be teensy, tiny bit....certain random behaviors...and the lack of reading social cues is one of them. It's not just this situation he didn't pick up on, it's been other times, other situations.

An explanation and a 'neighbor break' is justified, right?

 

[rebelson]

Really? Almost 20 views but not one comment? Wow......

 

[Cimorene]

I'm confused about what actually happened when they went over to ask to play ball with them. The post is so vague about that it's hard to know if it really was a big deal or not. I'm not really seeing a big issue with those kids not being as interested in playing with yours anymore, tbh. Simply because of the age & gender differences. The 2 that are close in age to your boys are girls. Around that age boys & girls get interested in doing different things sometimes. The youngest boy is 14 & yours are 11 & 10. I don't really know why it matters if the 18 yr old is snarky or whatever, bc she's way too old to be friends with your kids anyway. Friendships just evolve. That's pretty natural. The only thing that is unusual to me about them is that their family is enormous. It makes me wonder if they're fundamentalists or something. I've never met fundamentalists but from what I understand they can be more judgemental & closed off. Like not wanting to associate with people who don't believe precisely as they do. Have no idea if that's the case. They could just be a big family & nothing more.

 

[rebelson]

You missed the point of my post.

What they did to my sons, was unkind. Period. I am not going to go in to it detail by detail. My point about bringing up the 18yo sibling was that she is quite an unkind person, she has been, and is, rebellious to the parents. Smoking, while babysitting younger ones-->sneaking sex in her bedroom when the parents not home...with the younger siblings able to hear it (this told to me BY the 2 younger girls, 11 & 13). Could go on. Not a great role model. So, yeah, if you have younger kids around an older one like this girl, don't you think she is bound to 'rub off' on some of the youngers? I do.

Of course I wouldn't expect (nor want!) her, at 18, to be a playmate to my sons. That would just be, well, weird!

They are of a fundamentalist religion, not the very stern one as in the Duggars, though.

I don't think you followed the bouncing ball, in my post.

My one and ONLY inquiry that I was seeking opinions on...was the very last line on my post:
"An explanation and a 'neighbor break' is justified, right?"

No need for any further responses, I have gotten helpful opinions & support on another, more active forum. And, I won't be checking this thread any more. So, if you respond, I likely will not see it.

I am good with the 'neighbor break' at this time. Thanks everyone!!!

 

[Murby]

Really? Almost 20 views but not one comment? Wow......

Without sufficient details, you won't get sufficient advice.

 

[Cimorene]

You missed the point of my post.

What they did to my sons, was unkind. Period. I am not going to go in to it detail by detail. My point about bringing up the 18yo sibling was that she is quite an unkind person, she has been, and is, rebellious to the parents. Smoking, while babysitting younger ones-->sneaking sex in her bedroom when the parents not home...with the younger siblings able to hear it (this told to me BY the 2 younger girls, 11 & 13). Could go on. Not a great role model. So, yeah, if you have younger kids around an older one like this girl, don't you think she is bound to 'rub off' on some of the youngers? I do.

Of course I wouldn't expect (nor want!) her, at 18, to be a playmate to my sons. That would just be, well, weird!

They are of a fundamentalist religion, not the very stern one as in the Duggars, though.

I don't think you followed the bouncing ball, in my post.

My one and ONLY inquiry that I was seeking opinions on...was the very last line on my post:
"An explanation and a 'neighbor break' is justified, right?"

No need for any further responses, I have gotten helpful opinions & support on another, more active forum. And, I won't be checking this thread any more. So, if you respond, I likely will not see it.

I am good with the 'neighbor break' at this time. Thanks everyone!!!

Maybe I missed the point bc you wrote a very long post that never actually got to the point. You gave no details about what actually happened. I got the point of what you wrote. If I didn't get the rest of the point, that's the fault of poor writing on your part. Maybe the kids weren't interested in playing with your kids anymore, and politely declined all the invitations to play. That's it. From your snarky attitude here & how judgemental you are of a teenager, the family might have their own reasons for not wanting to spend time around you. Maybe they see you as the unkind person.

 

[akmom]

What isn't clear is how you knew the neighbors were being unkind, but your children did not. Were you in ear shot of the conversations? Or is this based on what your kids said they said? Because it is possible that your kids did not relay the wording or context correctly, leading you to make assumptions about what those neighbor kids actually meant. Even if your kids relayed the conversation word-for-word without mistaken paraphrasing, there is body language, facial expression and timing that could seriously alter the meaning. "Hearsay" isn't terribly reliable.

Picking up social cues doesn't happen as quickly in homeschooled children, because they have fewer opportunities for observation and interaction. I can pick a homeschooler out of a crowd pretty easily because of this. But what surprised me was that people in college people often asked me if I was homeschooled, even though I went to a public high school and middle school. I had one professor nickname me 'Homeschool' after one day, and I just balked and said, "How could you possibly know that?" All those elementary years homeschooling really do "show," I guess, even into adulthood. That might be what you are perceiving as a "touch of Aspergers."

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

Maybe try to find a place your kids can play. That have boys and their age. Maybe sports or the park. I would just take a break from them. Unless they come over to play.

 

[JCFantasy23]

I think they may have outgrown your kids age-wise, which unfortunately does happen, and they lose interest in socializing any longer. I wouldn't keep sending my kids over there, I think they have been given a lot of hints on this already - so the kids were probably a little rude when your sons went over there again. Kids have that tendency sometimes (as do adults really), and it's sad, but I don't think there is much confusion on the reasoning behind this myself.

And I'm not bashing homeschooling, but your kids will be a little more naïve at that age since they are not around a large group of kids/personalities compared to kids who go to school and have wider interaction. It's also that they are probably just hopeful to play with their old friends, which again is sad but a common thing that happens around that age. I remember it happening when I was hitting junior high.