Strategies for a wife that wants to end marriage but won't file

[PeytonFL00]

I will try to be as unbiased and straight to the point that I can:

- I'm not necessarily happy with our marriage. I'm willing to put in effort and compromise to make it work.
-My wife will tell me plainly that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but won't file paperwork for a reason unknown to me.
-Her feeling manifest in hostility to me (hurtful and demeaning comments, aggressiveness, ect)
-I try daily to be nice to her. I make her lunches and leave notes and try to make her feel special.
-I now really can't speak at length with her because she is trying to convince me I'm just as miserable as she is.

I know I still must handle situations correctly even when she "argues dirty". It's just getting exhausting. What would help me the most is some coping strategies for when she gets verbally aggressive with me and tries to convolute what I say to fit her opinion, that "I'm just as unhappy as she is". I feel like I'm being bated into it very often and am at a loss when this goes on. I don't want to outright ignore her as that's rude, but I don't know what to say whenever she is actively trying to find a crease in whatever I say to "confirm" her thoughts.
Thank you for your time.

 

[ValleyGal]

What are her beliefs about divorce? She might not file if she believes divorce is sin, but if she drives you to the point that if you file, she is off the hook as far as "sin" is concerned. It might help to have a frank discussion about why she won't file. Asking "why" might arouse defenses, though, so it might be a smoother discussion if you ask "what's holding you back from filing?"

It seems to me that you need some firm boundaries when it comes to her dirty arguing and baiting you. As soon as you realize it's starting, it might help to say something like "you're welcome to express all the hostility towards me that you want, but it doesn't mean I have to sit here and listen to it. When you are ready to talk respectfully about our issues, I will be glad to listen." Then get up and leave the room. This way you are not ignoring her but you are taking responsibility for your own behaviour, what you will and will not allow yourself to be subject to.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

What are her beliefs about divorce? She might not file if she believes divorce is sin, but if she drives you to the point that if you file, she is off the hook as far as "sin" is concerned. It might help to have a frank discussion about why she won't file. Asking "why" might arouse defenses, though, so it might be a smoother discussion if you ask "what's holding you back from filing?"

It seems to me that you need some firm boundaries when it comes to her dirty arguing and baiting you. As soon as you realize it's starting, it might help to say something like "you're welcome to express all the hostility towards me that you want, but it doesn't mean I have to sit here and listen to it. When you are ready to talk respectfully about our issues, I will be glad to listen." Then get up and leave the room. This way you are not ignoring her but you are taking responsibility for your own behaviour, what you will and will not allow yourself to be subject to.

Exactly. "Well if he does it then its all on him, I'll just drive him nuts until then!". I mean I don't believe in divorce at all but what shes doing is REALLY immature and if she believes she will get off the hook if you file, then she needs to realize God will hold her accountable for baiting you and for forcing you into a situation of possible divorce. God knows our hearts and motives. She needs to remember that. I applaud you that your staying with her and still trying to love her as much as you can. I pray one day she will change and/or go get help so you to can overcome this trial and have a even stronger marriage.

I know my parents don't believe in divorce but their marriage is pretty crazy at times. My dads a bit stubborn and doesn't do much in his role leader. Kinda wimpy. Where as my mom who was abused as a child is bitter, angry and controlling. Shes always on him about things. She always threatens to divorce him but never does. Though she has mentioned if my wife and I weren't living at home she would leave him. But I doubt she would because she probably realizes no one would put up with her like my dad does. And vica versa. And still after almost 40 years of marriage they still have their moments where they watch tv together and look in love. Its so complicated.

 

[PeytonFL00]

When I asked her what was stopping her from filing, she refuses to answer. I feel used and not good enough and like a piece of garbage. I'm breaking down mentally and emotionally. I can't go much longer like this.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well if you are saying you don't know how much more you can take, its a good thing to remember that God will never give us more then we can handle. Though thats easy to say when I'm not in your shoes of course. But I had 10+ years of anger at God in my heart. A hole that got deeper and deeper. I was suicidal. But in the end, after I got back on track and looked back and realized the bible was right. Despite what I thought at the time I was not given more then I could handle.

I'm not sure what else to say about how to handle your wife. I pray she will open up with you and talk because that seems like the only easy way to go about it.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

Living separately is the best solution, whether within the same dwelling or a separate dwelling. You remain married and do right by her, but you allow God to put up a protective barrier between you.

Even Abraham and Sarah lived apart at the end of their lives.

 

[ValleyGal]

When I asked her what was stopping her from filing, she refuses to answer. I feel used and not good enough and like a piece of garbage. I'm breaking down mentally and emotionally. I can't go much longer like this.

You need to protect yourself. If she refuses to answer, that's okay. Consider your alternatives. You can keep going and in the process of subjecting yourself to her emotional abuse, you will contribute to your own breakdown. You can move out and stay married, depriving both of you the opportunity to move on. You can move out and work on the marriage, praying and hoping God will change her heart. You can give her an ultimatum: Counselling or divorce. You can stay where you are and walk away any time she starts in on you and becomes emotionally abusive. You can file for divorce and ask her to leave. There are a lot of options. When you consider your options, imo it would be important to make a decision based on what you value most, carefully balanced with whatever is most realistic.

 

[newhopeinHim]

maybe you should be the one to file for divorce, show her you are going to take care of it if she does not want to.

 

[pdudgeon]

I will try to be as unbiased and straight to the point that I can:

- I'm not necessarily happy with our marriage. I'm willing to put in effort and compromise to make it work.
-My wife will tell me plainly that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but won't file paperwork for a reason unknown to me.
-Her feeling manifest in hostility to me (hurtful and demeaning comments, aggressiveness, ect)
-I try daily to be nice to her. I make her lunches and leave notes and try to make her feel special.
-I now really can't speak at length with her because she is trying to convince me I'm just as miserable as she is.

I know I still must handle situations correctly even when she "argues dirty". It's just getting exhausting. What would help me the most is some coping strategies for when she gets verbally aggressive with me and tries to convolute what I say to fit her opinion, that "I'm just as unhappy as she is". I feel like I'm being bated into it very often and am at a loss when this goes on. I don't want to outright ignore her as that's rude, but I don't know what to say whenever she is actively trying to find a crease in whatever I say to "confirm" her thoughts.
Thank you for your time.

so ask her where she wants to be. getting that taken care of first usually preceeds the paperwork part.
secondly, separation doesn't necessarily have to lead to divorce.
It does give both parties a breathing space,
which can be useful especially for realistically figuring out the next step.

third, sit down and figure out two separate budgets (if you haven't already.)
there's nothing like seeing the actual costs on paper of keeping up two households versus one.

fourth, have her get a complete physical exam (and you do the same.) stress like this does have an effect on
a person's health, so you need to know what you're both facing if this situation continues.

lastly, sit down and watch the movie "Fireproof". There is some very good stuff in there and it's
a Christian movie.

 

[Sheeple Shepherd]

I will try to be as unbiased and straight to the point that I can:

- I'm not necessarily happy with our marriage. I'm willing to put in effort and compromise to make it work.
-My wife will tell me plainly that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but won't file paperwork for a reason unknown to me.
-Her feeling manifest in hostility to me (hurtful and demeaning comments, aggressiveness, ect)
-I try daily to be nice to her. I make her lunches and leave notes and try to make her feel special.
-I now really can't speak at length with her because she is trying to convince me I'm just as miserable as she is.

I know I still must handle situations correctly even when she "argues dirty". It's just getting exhausting. What would help me the most is some coping strategies for when she gets verbally aggressive with me and tries to convolute what I say to fit her opinion, that "I'm just as unhappy as she is". I feel like I'm being bated into it very often and am at a loss when this goes on. I don't want to outright ignore her as that's rude, but I don't know what to say whenever she is actively trying to find a crease in whatever I say to "confirm" her thoughts.
Thank you for your time.

She has had, is having, or planning an affair.
She wants you to do the dirty work of filing.
Assuming what you say is true.

 

[heliumskylark]

Did you mention that you're living with your parents, or did I misunderstand that? That can be very hard on the "in-law" spouse (although certainly doesn't give them a license to be emotionally manipulative). Is there any chance that a change in living situation is possible / might help?
In terms of "handling" your wife when she's being aggressive or manipulative, I think ValleyGal is right. Just refuse to engage. I once completely lost it at my husband and he said very calmly, "It is not ok for either of us to talk to the other like that. I'm going outside for a walk, and when you're ready to have an adult conversation you can call me and I'll come home." It made me realise that a) I was behaving like a child, and b) I'd rather be a strong, mature person like my husband than the screeching shrew I was being at that moment. He didn't have to take a very long walk
I have a lot of respect for you for continuing to treat her with kindness throughout this - it can't be easy.

 

[98cwitr]

I don't understand why you havent gotten the truth out of her about her reasons for not filing. If it were me, I'd keep pushing until I get an answer. Are you a non-confrontational sort of person? It sounds like you need some serious communication lanes opened up. Just talk to her man....get some answers.

 

[Cactus Jack]

And no one has suggested a marriage counselor?

 

[Blondepudding]

I'd invest in the research as to finances, marriage equity, child custody, if there are children in this marriage, etc... To see if maybe the reason she isn't filing first has to do with the division of proceeds from the marriage in some way.

I agree interjecting a marriage counselor into your approach to your wife, since you don't have conversations, would be a good idea.
If she refuses that file yourself if you won't get hammered with the aforementioned assets thing.
Life is way too short to live miserable with someone who enjoys piling it on. Someone who's happy in themselves doesn't work to make their spouse miserable because that in turn makes her miserable for the effort she puts in.

 

[Goatee]

When I asked her what was stopping her from filing, she refuses to answer. I feel used and not good enough and like a piece of garbage. I'm breaking down mentally and emotionally. I can't go much longer like this.

Waw, feel for you my friend. My marriage is awful and has been for years and even more so last year due to my infidelity. Not sure what advice to give as i cannot save my marriage let alone anyone elses!

Just hang in there. Try to talk if you can. Pray and ask God for guidance.

How long you been married? Any kids?

 

[SirKenin]

I will try to be as unbiased and straight to the point that I can:

- I'm not necessarily happy with our marriage. I'm willing to put in effort and compromise to make it work.
-My wife will tell me plainly that she doesn't want to be with me anymore, but won't file paperwork for a reason unknown to me.
-Her feeling manifest in hostility to me (hurtful and demeaning comments, aggressiveness, ect)
-I try daily to be nice to her. I make her lunches and leave notes and try to make her feel special.
-I now really can't speak at length with her because she is trying to convince me I'm just as miserable as she is.

I know I still must handle situations correctly even when she "argues dirty". It's just getting exhausting. What would help me the most is some coping strategies for when she gets verbally aggressive with me and tries to convolute what I say to fit her opinion, that "I'm just as unhappy as she is". I feel like I'm being bated into it very often and am at a loss when this goes on. I don't want to outright ignore her as that's rude, but I don't know what to say whenever she is actively trying to find a crease in whatever I say to "confirm" her thoughts.
Thank you for your time.

It's a tough situation. As you know there's nothing you can do to "fix" the relationship. I've mentioned it before in another thread that men don't know anything about relationships, so they can't fix something they know nothing about. You're simply a guest in her relationship. It's on her to do and she obviously doesn't want to.

Why do you love this woman? Why are you with this woman?

There's only two reasons to be/get married. One of them is children. Are there any children? If there aren't, leave.

You're doing some of the right things that need to be done to survive in this alien territory from what I can see above. What we don't know is your part in all this, though we know there is always two parts.

Something I would try is shutting up. I get the feeling that you like to talk too much, engage your ego and try to be right. That would need to stop. You need to replace that with a whole lot of nodding your head and "yes dear". You don't want to raise your energy to match hers. You do want to breath, keep grounded and when you feel your energy shift just say "I'll be back in a minute" and take a time out.

The threatening to leave thing is just a control mechanism. She must have really low self-esteem.

Finally, find a group of good men. You need to clean out your closet, and not to your wife. If you do you'll scare the crap out of her.

Again. Why are you with this woman? Good luck bro.