Spouse demanding access to all online accounts

[Avniel]

Why else would you control if not out of fear? My mom gets some money 100 euro a year while she has her own income she can't just use and my dad buys much more for her than himself but he just thinks she can't handle money. She's used to it and she doesn't care but it is control.

It's controlling because it's her money.

 

[Messy]

It's controlling because it's her money.

So if a woman is a housewife and the man has a job it's his money? Lol then he should pay her as a clean up woman.

 

[Avniel]

So if a woman is a housewife and the man has a job it's his money? Lol then he should pay her as a clean up woman.

If that is their agreement. If he asked her to stay at home certainly I believe she should have access to his money. However if she decided on her own to be a stay at home mom and he wanted her to work nooooooo that's his money. How can you be controlling over what you worked for? Self centered certainly mean maybe but controlling no.

 

[HannahT]

Maybe I said that totally wrong, I think that people have a certain bias towards male gender.

I get what he is saying I don't agree with it but it's not controlling.

He has a well oiled and well maintained machine that works well. Now she is looking at him for his keys but he's driven it soooo well for some years now.

What he is saying is "I don't want to give her the information I have this system that works for me if she comes in a breaks something I am going to be the one doing the fix.........she's got her own too so why does she even need the info(frustration and fear)." It mostly has to do with trust

Avniel - people have a bias towards the female gender too. lol I mean look at what you wrote?!

She just wants to drive my well oiled and well maintained machine, and then I will have to fix it once she breaks it. I guess because she is a woman they aren't family accounts, but his accounts...and we all know women just break things like that. Talk about prejudice! If that wasn't what you are saying - believe me its been said for years anyway. Women get that message constantly - and its rather belittling.

Think of the next thought Avniel - Where does that type of action build trust? He clearly sent the message he doesn't trust her, but since he feels he did such an awesome job so far...she should accept his way of thinking. To him - that's called showing trust. It has a familiar ring to it - trust the 'man'. Yes, allow your mind to go elsewhere besides gender. Race even.

I took care of our accounts for years, and it was a well oiled machine. I did the business account too. I have plenty of professional experience in this area, and I have done that for other's as well. Business and individuals.

I can only imagine if my husband came to me and asked for access...lol and I told him I was afraid he would break my well maintained machine, and I see no reason WHY he should have it....because its a trust thing....

Yikers - I wouldn't blame him for his thoughts towards me. I don't care if he did have some 'separate' account. What difference does that make? it would breed distrust between the two of us, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY that would be! This has nothing to do with gender AT ALL!

 

[Avniel]

I'm just going to say it to the lol during the comments are a little offensive. I respect and take your opinion seriously hopefully you're mature enough to respect and take my opinion seriously. Thank you in advance.

 

[Avniel]

Avniel - people have a bias towards the female gender too. lol I mean look at what you wrote?!

She just wants to drive my well oiled and well maintained machine, and then I will have to fix it once she breaks it. I guess because she is a woman they aren't family accounts, but his accounts...and we all know women just break things like that. Talk about prejudice! If that wasn't what you are saying - believe me its been said for years anyway. Women get that message constantly - and its rather belittling.

Think of the next thought Avniel - Where does that type of action build trust? He clearly sent the message he doesn't trust her, but since he feels he did such an awesome job so far...she should accept his way of thinking. To him - that's called showing trust. It has a familiar ring to it - trust the 'man'. Yes, allow your mind to go elsewhere besides gender. Race even.

I took care of our accounts for years, and it was a well oiled machine. I did the business account too. I have plenty of professional experience in this area, and I have done that for other's as well. Business and individuals.

I can only imagine if my husband came to me and asked for access...lol and I told him I was afraid he would break my well maintained machine, and I see no reason WHY he should have it....because its a trust thing....

Yikers - I wouldn't blame him for his thoughts towards me. I don't care if he did have some 'separate' account. What difference does that make? it would breed distrust between the two of us, and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY that would be! This has nothing to do with gender AT ALL!

That's kind of what I'm talking about. Due to the fact that I'm a man what I'm saying has to be gender bias.

I think he was talking about his wife. My wife has all access to our account information and I'm an impulsive buyer so she gets my checks, my allowance and she pays the bills with my money(I've posted about this several times). Now if I were to ask for total access or equal control my wife would look at it the same way. It was through our conversation that gave me an in depth look into his issues.


You jumped at my statement not understanding that I relate more to his wife but I understand the importance of having someone over the finances that is responsible.

I knew how he felt because I could put myself in my wife's shoes and pretty sure that's how she would feel. I can go through 15k in a week which I've done I was making 15 to 30k and I was living pay check to pay check.

Plus I'm Jamaican culturally women have always been good with money in our community. Jamaican women are stereotyped as cheap and will hide money all over the house.

 

[Messy]

If that is their agreement. If he asked her to stay at home certainly I believe she should have access to his money. However if she decided on her own to be a stay at home mom and he wanted her to work nooooooo that's his money. How can you be controlling over what you worked for? Self centered certainly mean maybe but controlling no.

The whole idea of this is mine and that is yours I find weird. I earned more, but it wasn't my money just because he got paid less for working just as hard, but yes I can imagine if one just sits on the couch and hangs around because of laziness you're not giving your money, but then there's a serious problem.

 

[Avniel]

The whole idea of this is mine and that is yours I find weird. I earned more, but it wasn't my money just because he got paid less for working just as hard, but yes I can imagine if one just sits on the couch and hangs around because of laziness you're not giving your money, but then there's a serious problem.

I hear you but my grandparents did their money similar. Which is irregular most Jamaicans I encounter do pretty much like me. Wife gets the money they take out their spending money and his money I guess to maintain some mochoism

 

[HannahT]

That's kind of what I'm talking about. Due to the fact that I'm a man what I'm saying has to be gender bias.

I think he was talking about his wife. My wife has all access to our account information and I'm an impulsive buyer so she gets my checks, my allowance and she pays the bills with my money(I've posted about this several times). Now if I were to ask for total access or equal control my wife would look at it the same way. It was through our conversation that gave me an in depth look into his issues.

You jumped at my statement not understanding that I relate more to his wife but I understand the importance of having someone over the finances that is responsible.

I knew how he felt because I could put myself in my wife's shoes and pretty sure that's how she would feel. I can go through 15k in a week which I've done I was making 15 to 30k and I was living pay check to pay check.

Plus I'm Jamaican culturally women have always been good with money in our community. Jamaican women are stereotyped as cheap and will hide money all over the house.

Yet, they don't have the understanding that you have with your wife. We don't know if she is compulsive or not. The approach to this subject is very important. That's very different than saying - I see no need. Which was his statement.

I can understand where you coming from. My mother did our accounts growing up, because Dad said he money burned a hole in his pocket. He got an allowance, but he had access to the accounts fully. He just respected the boundaries. Dad died before mother did, but in their will? If she went first he would be given 1/2 the estate, and I would control the other 1/2. Why? They were afraid he would get into trouble, and over spend...and didn't want him broke during his twilight years. Mother knew I wouldn't let it get that far. That was Dad's idea too! Yep, that shocked me! lol!

When his mother got sick? My mother took over her accounts, and made sure she had what she needed until she died. Dad said her investments grew due to mother's homework - she wanted to be sure she had enough until she died.

I'm doing that presently for my BIL.

We just had an issue over a truck purchase. He had bigger eyes for one that I didn't feel we could comfortably afford. We had to get one, because his was dying! We tend to drive them into the ground. We are looking at retirement within 5 years, and I just didn't want to spend the extra $20,000 on a truck because he drooled over it! So, we found one we agreed on - and I told him to add some luxury items to it. He was happy as a clam, and so was I! We had discussed saving up for a cap for the back down the road, and he went to look at different ones. Then I found a receipt..Yep he brought one. That blew our budget, but I'm not going to close his access to accounts over it. lol he most definitely blew the well oiled machine that was working perfectly! I guess I could and claim he was compulsive - which he was. I wasn't happy, but it would be disrespectful of me to treat him like a child...and remove his access. I know why he did it - he had been dreaming for the last couple of years about this truck. Once he got it? He just HAD to HAVE the cap that went along with it!

It happens, and then you move on.

 

[tenderheart1]

It sounds to me that your wife is having some issues with trust. Maybe, in your mind, it's legit and maybe it's not; but it still exists for her. As her husband, you are to help her feel secure in the marriage in every way possible. If having access to the joint accounts will create stability for her, then what's the problem. In my opinion, for all banking accounts, email accounts, social media accounts, etc... passwords should be shared between the marriage partners. Building trust takes complete transparency. If you are unwilling to be transparent, she will assume you have something to hide. And quite frankly, if you have nothing to hide, what's the big deal??? I think there's more to this story than what you want to say.

I pay the bills for my husband and I, but he has access to everything.

 

[visionary]

It sounds to me that your wife is having some issues with trust. Maybe, in your mind, it's legit and maybe it's not; but it still exists for her. As her husband, you are to help her feel secure in the marriage in every way possible. If having access to the joint accounts will create stability for her, then what's the problem. In my opinion, for all banking accounts, email accounts, social media accounts, etc... passwords should be shared between the marriage partners. Building trust takes complete transparency. If you are unwilling to be transparent, she will assume you have something to hide. And quite frankly, if you have nothing to hide, what's the big deal??? I think there's more to this story than what you want to say.

I pay the bills for my husband and I, but he has access to everything.

He is also having trust issues or he would give her access.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

He is also having trust issues or he would give her access.

Exactly.

Everything is open. Psychology would say if you don't want to give access then there is something you do not want seen or possible paranoia. Thought to be fair it would also say maybe the person wanting access is paranoid. But often times paranoia is not the real reason. So it usually just leaves the person is hiding something or doesn't want to be open and honest. When you marry its 100%/100%. Theres nothing to hide. My wife and I gave access to the other right before we got engaged. Not to everything mind you like bank accounts. But to basics like facebook. Then later on we gave access to everything.

Now there is ONE other reason that the person may not want to share. One I hear more and more. Its a concern that if they give access they will be spied on. But heres the thing. Your not giving access so they can poke around every day like a spy. Your giving access to say "Heres my stuff so you trust me. I know you won't really look because you realize giving it to you means I have nothing to hide to begin with!". And thats the key. Now if the other person gets access and is checking your accounts daily then they obviously have trust issues and counselling is required since there is NO reason to access and spy on you everyday.

I'd also add that as christians we shouldn't approach marriage as the world does of this is mine, that is yours. We need to approach it as christians should. Love, honesty and trust. Though I will say not sure why she waited 10 years to suddenly want access to your stuff. She either has worries about something she thinks you are doing or she just realized she wants more openness. Which from what you said sounds like thats what she really wants.

 

[visionary]

In the event of unexpected death, all the information could be valuable for the remaining spouse for contacts, information, and taking the reigns.

 

[Catherineanne]

I have been married to my spouse for nearly 10 years. She has recently been pretty adamant that she wants full access to our online credit card and phone accounts. I have always handled the finances for us. I asked her why she was wanting this and she said that she wants more openess between us. I told her I could print out a monthly statement for her so she wouldn't feel I was going something behind her back, but I wasn't comfortable with her using my login to access the accounts, but she got angry about that and said it wasn't enough. She says that this is just an example of me being controlling. I don't feel I am being controlling. We both have a credit card to our one account and she has her own phone. I feel I have lightened up quite a bit over the last few years. I used to want to know everything that was going on, but I don't try to check up on her through her phone or what she spends. I feel this is a trust issue between us at its core. But even if there was more trust, I don't feel I would want her to have full access to these accounts because I feel it is not necessary and I know she might inadvertently "break" something. I have asked other guys and they have said that they have handled all the finances for their family as well and that their spouse wanting access to those accounts has never come up. I am wondering what other's thoughts and perspectives are on this and if your spouse has full access to your accounts and how you feel you can build trust in this area with your spouse.
Thanks.

If you really want to build trust, give her the access she is asking for. She is not a child, and should not be treated as if she were.

It may be that she does not in fact want to know everything that is going on. She wants to know whether you trust her. At the moment the answer is a resounding 'NO!', so loud I can hear it from here.

 

[Catherineanne]

Good point. we are getting to the point where that could happen to either or both of us and our youngest daughter is wanting to know how (should we both go) what insurance we have, what bank accounts, where our final wishes are written down, etc.

there should be some where, some file with all those locations, account numbers and passwords available in case something happens.

I would suggest a fireproof safe, with all relevant documents in it; passports, birth and marriage certificates, insurance details and copies of wills. And tell other people where it is; no point them having to search for it. If you want to be doubly sure, leave copies of all of these with a relation.

 

[Catherineanne]

Exactly.

Everything is open. Psychology would say if you don't want to give access then there is something you do not want seen or possible paranoia. Thought to be fair it would also say maybe the person wanting access is paranoid.

Paranoia is a genuine and very serious medical condition. It can't be diagnosed by internet.

A husband who wants to retain control of everything he can is not necessarily paranoid; he might just be controlling. And a wife wanting access to financial information is certainly not paranoid; this is the behaviour of a reasonable adult.

 

[Mrs Awesome]

I handle the finances for my husband and myself and he can have access to anything he wants at anytime he wants. It's about trust and openness. I completely agree with your wife on this. If there is nothing to hide, then there is no reason to keep passwords and account access from her, no matter what the accounts are for (email, Facebook, Christian Forums, credit cards, Amazon, etc).

My husband and I have complete access to each others accounts if one wants it. Neither of us fears the other will "break" something or find anything out because we have nothing to hide and know that any setting changes that may be accidentally (or purposefully) made can be easily changed back.

I highly recommend going the route of complete openness and trust here. This is a marriage after all.

 

[Matthias Rose]

The "after all these years" part is relevant. Maybe the wife has lost trust in the husband, for some reason or other.

The husband can help restore that trust (if he has nothing to hide) by increasing transparency.

But it would also behoove the couple to get to the root of why trust has been compromised (if that's the case).

As others point out, her request is the action of a responsible adult. "After all these years," -- a girlfriend could have said: "What? You don't have access to your financial accounts? Are you crazy?"

 

[AureliaSoleil]

I am wondering what other's thoughts and perspectives are on this and if your spouse has full access to your accounts and how you feel you can build trust in this area with your spouse.
Thanks.

Yes, your wife should have access to all your passwords to your accounts. My husband takes care of the finances as well but he has a list of all the passwords and I can check on things at any time.