I can't seem to get past these obsessive thoughts that I might be lost and beyond the ability to be saved. It started the same way my physical hypochondria always started, with me Googling all kinds of information. For example, I have read that some people believe that you can sin to the point where you are unable to repent any longer, and therefore can't be forgiven and saved.
I spent most of my life as a false convert, making a profession of faith but feeling no need to follow Jesus or keep God's commandments. Now I want to change, but the constant doubts return telling me that maybe it is too late. It has gotten especially bad the past couple of days with me, and my reaching out to God is being replaced with a constant self examination and checking of spiritual symptoms to see if I have a fatal spiritual disease.
It is the exact same pattern as my hypochondria. First, I read that there is a fatal disease in which you are unable to repent. That makes me feel like I have to make sure I can repent. But then I worry because I am not sure exactly what true repentance is. So I Google some more about repentance. I read all kinds of "turn or burn" type preaching that says if you don't repent you will go to Hell, which makes it worse. And I come across another site or two claiming that it is possible to harden your heart to the point where you are unable to repent, even if you want to. So I frantically start checking my symptoms, to see if I feel repentant about past sins. It got so bad today that I actually sinned on purpose to see if I felt bad about it. I felt horrible, but soon after I began questioning again as to whether or not I felt horrible in the "proper way". Then the cycle starts all over.
It feels like this could destroy my faith completely if I don't get over it. I used to spend most of each day seeking God, but now I am just making an idol of my own feelings and I realize it. But whenever I think to myself that I should forget my feelings and turn to Christ, the thought comes back that says "good idea, but first make sure that you haven't ruined your chances". Then it starts all over again.
I'm a mess right now. Any advice?
I spent most of my life as a false convert, making a profession of faith but feeling no need to follow Jesus or keep God's commandments. Now I want to change, but the constant doubts return telling me that maybe it is too late. It has gotten especially bad the past couple of days with me, and my reaching out to God is being replaced with a constant self examination and checking of spiritual symptoms to see if I have a fatal spiritual disease.
It is the exact same pattern as my hypochondria. First, I read that there is a fatal disease in which you are unable to repent. That makes me feel like I have to make sure I can repent. But then I worry because I am not sure exactly what true repentance is. So I Google some more about repentance. I read all kinds of "turn or burn" type preaching that says if you don't repent you will go to Hell, which makes it worse. And I come across another site or two claiming that it is possible to harden your heart to the point where you are unable to repent, even if you want to. So I frantically start checking my symptoms, to see if I feel repentant about past sins. It got so bad today that I actually sinned on purpose to see if I felt bad about it. I felt horrible, but soon after I began questioning again as to whether or not I felt horrible in the "proper way". Then the cycle starts all over.
It feels like this could destroy my faith completely if I don't get over it. I used to spend most of each day seeking God, but now I am just making an idol of my own feelings and I realize it. But whenever I think to myself that I should forget my feelings and turn to Christ, the thought comes back that says "good idea, but first make sure that you haven't ruined your chances". Then it starts all over again.
I'm a mess right now. Any advice?