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Spending the night at your boyfriend/girlfriend's place?

Discussion in 'Courting Couples' started by KrillBee, Nov 8, 2009.

  1. KrillBee

    KrillBee Regular Member

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    I'm in a bit of an odd relationship right now and have been for the last 6 months. I live in a city that is about 60 miles (or a 1.5 hour drive) from the city my g/f lives in. The city I live in is larger and we both enjoy spending time here more than in her city, so she comes over here when we hangout.

    She typically has an odd work schedule where she'll work 9 days straight and get 5 days off (Thurs through Mon), so I usually see her about every other weekend and she wants to hang out with me during the entire weekend while she is here. Because of the price of gas, she cannot afford to come up here and go home every single day we do something and I have no desire to drive out to where she lives because it's more than I want to drive.

    As a result, she typically tries staying overnight with a few of her friends that live in this city during the days that we are hanging out. She has a couple female friends she can stay at, but some nights she can't stay at their places and either has to stay at my place, sleep in her car, or drive home, which means she wouldn't get to see me as much.

    I've let her stay here some nights, particularly when she has been too tired to drive home. I live with my parents, so there is always someone here besides us and my girlfriend and I sleep in seperate rooms. Normally, I didn't feel bad about this when it happened once in a blue moon, but it is starting to become a biweekly tradition where one of the nights she is in town she ends up staying here, and now that it has become an expectation I feel the burden of it more. I believe cohabitation is bad and that people need some space while they are dating, but she wants to spend as much time with me as possible. To her, she thinks it would be impossible for us to date if she only saw me one day during the 5 days she has off.

    Thoughts?
     
  2. Melethiel

    Melethiel Miserere mei, Domine Supporter

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    I live 1000 miles away from my boyfriend, so we only get to see each other every 3 months, for about a week at a time. We always stay at each other's place. When not at school, he lives with his parents, so I stay in their guest room. I rent my own condo, but when he's here, he'll sleep on a different floor. It hasn't been a problem for us - just a way to minimize hassle and costs.

    What exactly are your misgivings about this arrangement?
     
  3. KrillBee

    KrillBee Regular Member

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    1) It feels too much like we live together on days where she stays over. I don't think it's a good idea to do that before you are married, hence why people live together after they are married.

    2) It may have the appearance of evil to some people and the Bible advises not to do that.
     
  4. Manda_24

    Manda_24 Saved by Grace

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    I don't see anything wrong with it. My boyfriend and i don't have the problem of living too far way to go home after seeing each other, we're only about 5 minutes apart. I know that if we did live farther away and didn't get to see each other very often we'd stay at each others place, in different rooms. The whole avoiding the appearance of evil thing is hard though, people may assume things, I don't know what to tell you about that.

    When he goes to visit his parents I usually go along, we stay on the same floor but in different rooms, at my parents house we're on different floors just because it's where the extra room is.
     
  5. Mrs. Luther073082

    Mrs. Luther073082 Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3

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    Honestly, I think you are blowing this way out of proportion. Sleeping in a car? Really? You are in a long distance relationship. There are parents there, and there are seperate bedrooms. People should certainly understand your circumstances. And I'm sure they'd be much more likely to understand that then her having to sleep outside your parents house in her car. I'm sorry, but that's awful. And dangerous.

    My fiance and I live over 1000 miles apart. He's stayed over at my house and I've stayed at his. Our visits generally range from a few days to over a week long, and when I go up there in January and March next year, the visits are going to be 2-3 weeks long so I can look for employment and we can look for apartments and such. In my house we sleep in seperate bedrooms, but at his house there is no spare room and no where else that is feasible to sleep so his parents set up a small bed for me in his room. We've also had to stay in hotels together before because of traveling (always with two seperate beds). People can think that is evil if they want to, but they would be in the wrong for judging us. God knows that we are waiting for marriage.
     
  6. Melethiel

    Melethiel Miserere mei, Domine Supporter

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    We're going to Israel together in March, and we're planning on doing that for economic reasons. Granted, it won't always be feasible - many Christian guesthouses don't allow unmarried couples to stay in the same room, which is reasonable. (Those are cheaper than hotels though, so it evens out.)


    I can understand trying to avoid the appearance of evil, but I don't think anyone will think badly if you're staying in separate rooms, and your parents are home. Also, it's not exactly living together if she's only staying for a couple days.
     
  7. Mrs. Luther073082

    Mrs. Luther073082 Commit to the LORD whatever you do - Proverbs 16:3

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    Yeah, it really isn't. When I was an athiest I didn't have any beliefs that premarital sex or living together were things that are wrong. I lived with one of my boyfriends for two years. Trust me, living together and staying over at someone's parents' house for a few days are very, very different things.
     
  8. SmileAndAHandshake

    SmileAndAHandshake Senior Veteran

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    It feels like you're living together.. but you aren't.

    That, frankly, is your hang up, not hers.

    I think your arrangement is great, and you should consider yourself lucky that your parents even allow it to happen because growing up my parents would have never allowed a boyfriend to stay in our house, even in a separate room :p I know a lot of people's parents who were the same way, didn't matter how old we were.

    Concentrate more on the good things, and stop trying to dig up the bag things. People can really think negativity into fruition.

    But of course, I think living together should be mandatory and a foolish thing to skip :p So obviously I'm coming from a different perspective. ;)
     
  9. Lovely Lamb

    Lovely Lamb Guest

    TO be honest it seems like you're making this a bigger deal than it really is. If you both know you're waiting for marriage, and you sleep in seperate rooms or beds, then I don't see that it's a big deal. I would be okay with you even sleeping together as long as you both had good self restraint.
    As Melissa said...there's a huge difference between living together and staying at someone's house for a few days. Some hardcore people may say it's wrong...but you know what happens when she's there, and you know that you're not doing anything wrong. Besides, your parents don't seem to have a problem with it.
    My boyfriend has stayed at my house before (sleeping on the couch) and we've stayed in a hotel room before as well, for traveling purposes. It's much different from when a previous boyfriend lived at my house for 6 months.
    Also, I was in a LDR before and I know how hard it is to be away from your signifigant other...I dread the day when my boyfriend gets deployed overseas. You're lucky that you get to see each other as much as you do~! But, if you really don't like the way it is, just explain it to her...tell her you want less time with her; or when she comes to visit, offer to put her up in a hotel instead.
     
  10. Kembomani

    Kembomani Newbie

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    I agree with melissa. Something is seriously wrong if your girlfriend is traveling to see you and she has to on some occasions sleep in her car. Get over yourself. Seems like your feeling constricted cause she is there for long periods of time. There is nothing wrong with her expecting to sleep over at your house if shes coming to visit you. Man to man I would never allow my gf to sleep in a car if she was coming to see me. That is dangerous.
     
  11. gzt

    gzt The age of the Earth is 4.54 ± 0.07 billion years

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    If you were, like, living on your own in a one bedroom apartment, that would be one thing, but you're living with your parents, so it doesn't seem like it would be a big deal.
     
  12. Luther073082

    Luther073082 κύριε ἐλέησον χριστὲ ἐλέησον

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    Can I say something . . . I don't agree with your feelings about the situation since you are in two different bedrooms.

    But dude, if anyone is sleeping in a car, YOU aught to be sleeping in the car.

    In marriage God calls for men to make the greater sacrifices. "Love your wives as Christ loved the church" Ephesians 5:25 It would be good practice for marriage for you to start acting this way.

    So if you are that concerned then you leave her the comfy bed and you be a man, act like one and sleep in the car.

    But as I said before I don't agree with your analysis of the situation. I think considering its at your parents house and she's sleeping in a different bed in a different room, I don't see a problem.
     
  13. KrillBee

    KrillBee Regular Member

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    A lot of people are commenting about the "sleeping in the car" situation. That happened once and she didnt tell me that she was going to do it. It was on a week night, and my parents have told me that they don't want her to spend the night here on week nights because it totally throws off their morning routine. She said she had a plan, but I didnt find out what her plan was until the next day.

    I told her to let me know if she ever runs into that kind of a situation again, because I don't want her sleeping in her car.
     
  14. latteda

    latteda You're not my nemesis

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    I agree.

    Seriously, I think there is a way bigger issue here than where she is sleeping.

    I'm going to be totally blunt...it sounds like she is making a lot of sacrifices for your relationship.

    Consider the fact that she is willing to sleep in her car to see you while you're not even willing to visit her because you don't feel like driving that far. To me, that is a much bigger cause for concern.
     
  15. Melethiel

    Melethiel Miserere mei, Domine Supporter

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    That too. If you're going to be in a long distance relationship, you have to be willing to make equal sacrifices to see the other, as much as time permits. (Some people may have a more difficult time getting time off work or school, so splitting travel equally may not always be possible.)
     
  16. gzt

    gzt The age of the Earth is 4.54 ± 0.07 billion years

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    Well, I wouldn't be too hasty to jump on the bandwagon with the "you should visit her, too" crowd. The OP said she enjoys his city more and it's bigger. I mean, you know, suppopse he were in, like, Chicago and she were in some small town 60 miles from there. If I'm in the small town, I'd much rather go to the city than stay home and have somebody visit me, especially if I have other friends in Chicago.
     
  17. latteda

    latteda You're not my nemesis

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    The bolded part is the part I was referring to.

    Do you at least help pay for her gas when she comes to see you every other weekend?
     
  18. overit

    overit Veteran

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    Ugg seriously-you feel crowded for her wanting to spend more then one day out of 5 when she visits? I'm going to spell it out for her-feel free to show this to her:

    HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!

    she is making the sacrifices, and incurring costs-all the while you seem to "put up" w/her presence and "don't care to drive that much" to see her.

    Let her go, be honorable, man up and let her find someone that IS into her. Sorry-I've known plenty of men that hang unto girls for no darn reason KNOWING they're not into them really....the longer you stay-the harder the heartbreak for her. She deserves more-and YOU deserve to be w/someone you are really into as well. Do yourselves both a favor and let it go.
     
  19. Kembomani

    Kembomani Newbie

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    LOL that was a good movie
     
  20. Beauty4Ashes

    Beauty4Ashes All that I need, is a song in my heart. . .

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    I was thinking this too. It sounds like she is the one that can't afford gas, to come back and forth every day, and your reasoning is not wanting to drive that far. I certainly hope you are helping with gas money.

    On top of that, the fact that you want to spend only 1 day instead of all 5 days with her when you see her, makes me think perhaps you aren't that interested in her. I mean if she expects to spend every single waking moment of the days with you, that's one thing. We all need a littlebit of breathing room. But considering you don't get to see eachother very often, I would think it would be quite normal to want to spend a lot of time together.

    My current relationship was long distance for the first year so I do have a bit of an idea what I am talking about.