Something I want to get off my mind.

mina

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Well of course women would pick jerks (or nothing) if all the choices there were are jerks and wimps. But that's not all that is out there, thank God! And I think the women that are picking the jerks over and over and can never break that cycle and recognize a man that will treat her well are issue ridden. They can come out of it and find/be attracted to an outstanding guy but they have to recognize their own behavior in the problem/equation.

And I'd be curious as to what makes a guy a "jerk" to others? abuse of any kind? extreme selfishness? talking down to someone? or is it just because they are dating someone you are attracted to?
 
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Thunder Peel

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It's only a problem if a guy starts talking about how he feels. I know it's a stereotype but we really do save ourselves a lot of time and trouble by keeping our feelings buried (even though I'm talking about a feeling right now, which is kind of awkward!).^_^

I would much rather listen to my wife's concerns and problems and just deal with mine on my own. The guys who do that seem to be better off.
 
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Blank123

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It's only a problem if a guy starts talking about how he feels. I know it's a stereotype but we really do save ourselves a lot of time and trouble by keeping our feelings buried (even though I'm talking about a feeling right now, which is kind of awkward!).^_^

I would much rather listen to my wife's concerns and problems and just deal with mine on my own. The guys who do that seem to be better off.


so untrue, Austin. It not healthy for the guy or the relationship if he never shares things with his SO. And I've been in the reverse situation myself; always listening and comforting but never sharing. I can tell you from experience, thats just a recipe for misery.

Its just important to keep in mind that a relationship is a two-way street. And one person's issues/feelings/etc... should never dominate over the other's.
 
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MacFall

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And I'd be curious as to what makes a guy a "jerk" to others? abuse of any kind? extreme selfishness? talking down to someone?

Any of those things, yeah. Treating women like personal possessions, intending to "conquer" her sexually when she wants to abstain, and making her dependent on him for her self-esteem also come to mind.

or is it just because they are dating someone you are attracted to?
Not in my case. The first girl I was in love with dated a jerk at the beginning of my senior year. It broke my heart - not because she was dating someone else; I honestly could have dealt with that because I knew all along she wasn't into me. It was because she dated someone who was so obviously a scumbag that it made me feel like an extra-scummy scumbag to have her choose him over me. (His jerk credentials included: cheating on his past THREE girlfriends, constantly bragging about his wealth, and making fun of her weight, about which she was very insecure.)

Later that year she started dating a mutual friend of ours who was, in fact, a really good guy, and it didn't bother me at all; in fact, I was happy for her.
 
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mina

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Any of those things, yeah. Treating women like personal possessions, intending to "conquer" her sexually when she wants to abstain, and making her dependent on him for her self-esteem also come to mind.
I would agree with all of those making someone a jerk. And seriously any person (guy or girl; b/c it can work both ways) that put up with those qualities in a dating relationship, cling to it , or seek it out have deep issues to work out.


Not in my case. The first girl I was in love with dated a jerk at the beginning of my senior year. It broke my heart - not because she was dating someone else; I honestly could have dealt with that because I knew all along she wasn't into me. It was because she dated someone who was so obviously a scumbag that it made me feel like an extra-scummy scumbag.

Later that year she started dating a mutual friend of ours who was, in fact, a really good guy, and it didn't bother me at all; in fact, I was happy for her.

that's good. And it speaks a lot about you. It's not restricted to every guy of course, but a lot of guys i've known have a sour grapes attitude and call another guy a jerk just because he didn't get the end dating outcome he wanted. But your example doesn't prove that girls always choose jerks....she did at first and it seems she learned from it early on and then started dating someone good for her. It wasn't a pattern of behavior for her.
 
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broken_one

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It's only a problem if a guy starts talking about how he feels. I know it's a stereotype but we really do save ourselves a lot of time and trouble by keeping our feelings buried (even though I'm talking about a feeling right now, which is kind of awkward!).^_^

I would much rather listen to my wife's concerns and problems and just deal with mine on my own. The guys who do that seem to be better off.
I usually just got rid of my emotions, then I started having anxiety issues, so yeahhhhhhhhh.

Anxiety = underlying sources = suppressed emotions. Don't do it! :p
 
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Gilbert 61

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The point of this thread was not to ask about women to jerks. The fact of the matter is that it happens. And in my personal experience, it's mainly confidence. When a nice guy complains about it, it makes the girls that have been in a bad relationship like she will never get a nice guy because she has baggage.

I'm saying, GUYS STOP ASKING ABOUT IT, IT DOESN'T HELP. Make sure that your there for them, and make sure they know they deserve better.
 
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I've noticed how the people who come into these threads promoting being a jerk are the ones who are married. Perhaps there's more truth here than we originally thought?

Well, I'm certainly no nice guy. Do i consider myself a nice person? To some degree but my number one quality probably isn't my niceness. Am I a jerk? I have moments here and there but in general no. But that's not the point.

Let me put it this way. My wife's ex was a self proclaimed nice guy who was bitter that his previous gf was dating a football player. And I know that when I came into the picture, in his eyes, even though I have never met him, I was most certainly the jerk who stole his girl. He had what many self proclaimed 'nice guys' have which is a huge inferiority complex.

The point is, 'nice guys' usually aren't ever as nice as they seem.
 
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Blank123

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The point of this thread was not to ask about women to jerks. The fact of the matter is that it happens. And in my personal experience, it's mainly confidence. When a nice guy complains about it, it makes the girls that have been in a bad relationship like she will never get a nice guy because she has baggage.

I'm saying, GUYS STOP ASKING ABOUT IT, IT DOESN'T HELP. Make sure that your there for them, and make sure they know they deserve better.


i certainly admire your intentions here, but its also important to keep in mind that the women who choose to date jerks aren't exactly helpless. They know they're dating jerks and they know they could easily find a nice guy if they wanted to. hearing that from the guys who want to date them isn't going to help them get away from the guys who treat them wrong. They have to decide for themselves that they want better. but most of those women are drawn to the drama that comes with dating a jerk and they like the illusion that they can help the jerk overcome his flaws. They likely even know its an illusion and they'll never change. but its a neediness that no truly nice guy can ever fulfill until they've decided they've had enough and that they're going to work on their issues so that they can actually be deserving of the real nice guy.

I'm just concerned that your advice is going to foster the "doormat syndrome". Don't be that nice guy who lets the girl cry on his shoulder time and time again because she won't do a thing to change her own life. It won't encourage her to change and it won't win you her heart. If anything, it enables her to continue in her drama cycle with the jerk you'd want her to get away from. And I guarantee you that you'll break your own heart in the process with nothing to gain from it. Its really a lot to put yourself through for a woman whose heart belongs to someone else. so my advice is to guard your own heart and let her worry about guarding hers.

if you want to help. Tell her once that she deserves better and that you're not going to sit around and watch her throw her life away on a guy who treats her badly. Then distance yourself from the situation. If need be, set her up with godly women to minister to her, get her in touch with a godly church where she can get counselling, give her the number for any domestic abuse hotlines if thats necessary, but a guy can't really help a woman out of a bad relationship without things getting confused and messy. So don't go any further than that.
 
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MacFall

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Anyone can proclaim that they are anything and turn out to be mistaken or lying. If an emotional user (which is suggested by your imputation of inferiority complexes) says he's a nice guy, he is factually not a nice guy.

Using other people isn't nice. It's the opposite of nice.
 
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Im_A

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Guys, I know the question has been asked many times about why do girls go for the jerks.

I am going to tell you, no matter what your not going to get the answer that you want. Instead of asking those questions, trust me I have asked many times myself, and to no avail. The answer to this on the guys side. Instead of asking that question, because even if you didn't mean to, your going to hurt girls that you care about with it. Why not just build the confidence of the girls around you. It all in my humble opinion comes down to self-confidence. So, instead of breaking them down with those questions and accept that it's going to happen. And build their confidence.

Believe me, I don't like that it happens, and women have told me many times that there should be more guys like me. I tell them, if we weren't push to the side more then there would be. I have a hard time hearing this, I want very badly to meet the girl God wants me to marry. Gosh I would love to meet her today if I could. Simple fact no matter what I do is going to change my past. I feel the emotional pain from it everyday. I try to fake being happy, most of the time, I'm not. I hate waking up to the very real fear that I will be single my whole life. I have fallen off point.

The point is, don't worry why girls go after jerks. Instead just help build their confidence.
I won't be a tissue, a prozac pill, a self-help session or a sex therapist. I say that because more times than not, the girls that want jerks have those qualities in them that have to be addressed and I am more than a jerk that I won't give into their needs. If a girl has to choose to a jerk for whatever reason, then honestly, I wish her well. It is their problem and not mine. I am not a woman's savior.

I'll take women who have a head on their shoulders and there are quite a few of them so I am in luck. There is a difference, world of difference between normal, feminine female insecurities and such. Choosing bad things like that doesn't fit into that category in my opinion.
 
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broken_one

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My questions is why do men even care that (some) women go for jerks? Become a jerk, then. Problem solved.
Buutt I don't wanna be a jerk... :(

seinfeld+puffy+shirt.jpg
 
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Im_A

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My questions is why do men even care that (some) women go for jerks? Become a jerk, then. Problem solved.
I think the men that complain is because there's a girl that wants a jerk and they aren't a jerk but they can't get her.

I don't complain anymore about women like that. I don't want a woman that wants a jerk. I just know what I won't be in regards to how some people will perceive a man for their life.
 
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Thunder Peel

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:ebil: Jerks ftw (and all the dates too) :p at least Austin was tryin' to stick up for us jerks... :cool: us poor jerks are always gettin' bashed. lol jk.

I'm not condoning what jerks do. I'm just saying that the phrase "Nice guys finish last" may actually be true. The evidence to support this so far is hard to deny.:)
 
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Nom De Guerre

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The real problem is that jerks don't care, yet that's exactly what's mostly enticing about jerks for ladies; we can talk to their heart pretty easily but we also don't really care if it doesn't go well in the end, after-all there's always another girl around the corner who's just as enjoyable if not more...

ETA: I've certainly had my share of semi-relationships where I didn't give a hoot about it all, it was just something to keep me busy and though I found her attractive and enjoyable I knew we were never going to amount to anything.

I had a pretty convicting dream the other night about it actually lol God was showing me how the girls would put their heart into a relationship with me and I wouldn't give them more than a bit of my attention; this is after I decided I should probably be celibate, I'm a pretty big jerk lol
 
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leothelioness

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I think the men that complain is because there's a girl that wants a jerk and they aren't a jerk but they can't get her.
Then they should go find women who don't like jerks. They're out there.

IDK, I just think guys whine about stuff like this to justify their own insecurities by making women out to be the dysfunctional, crazy, bad people.
 
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Im_A

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Then they should go find women who don't like jerks. They're out there.

IDK, I just think guys whine about stuff like this to justify their own insecurities by making women out to be the dysfunctional, crazy, bad people.
I agree with you.
 
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Blank123

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The real problem is that jerks don't care, yet that's exactly what's mostly enticing about jerks for ladies; we can talk to their heart pretty easily but we also don't really care if it doesn't go well in the end, after-all there's always another girl around the corner who's just as enjoyable if not more...

yup pretty much. Its feeding off of their low self-esteem to keep them interested. Which is what makes it so hard for those women to break away from jerks to begin with. It becomes a cycle; they feel bad about themselves, this guy comes along and makes them feel useful and wonderful, then he drops her and her self-esteem plummets again until he decides he's ready to have her dote on him and make her feel needed again.
 
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