So, I am crazy.

[Lord Herdsetk]

I've debated about whether or not I should tell this anyone, so I thought I'd start with you guys. Its kind of personal, but .....well you know how they say its easier to tell a stranger your darkest secrets? That's kinda what I'm getting at here.

Well okay, here goes.

I have trouble befriending anyone. Its not because I'm hateful, its not because i'm ugly (trust me I'm hot ), its not because I'm creepy. Its because I hate, or rather tense up, when people get close to me at all.

I know this is something people say a lot, but here me out on this one. Lately, I've found myself distancing myself from everyone. The only two people I've kept in contact with from high school are almost like strangers to me now. I talk to them, but it feels really forced. My brother and I get along still, but I feel like we live on two different planets now. I feel like I don't belong in my own body.

Maybe it has something to do with my other topic I posted recently. Basically, I talked about how my faith was shot. I've been in a spiritual free fall so to speak, and its messed up everything in my life. The things that I was grounded in, my piece of mind was completely snatched out from under me. I don't really talk to people anymore because I'm too worried about sorting out my beliefs, or where i'm going in life, etc. I find most people boring now, which I hate. I'm not trying to sound snobbish, I just really have a hard time connecting with anyone. I feel like I've lost my ability to relate to anything or anyone. Do I make sense? =\

Couple that with the fact that I've never really had any close relationships (aside from one friend who is unstable at best), and I just feel like my life could go to pot real quick. Can anyone relate here? I know one person PM'd me, and I appreciate that because I know I'm not completely alone here with my state of confusion, but its something I'm having to deal with. I'm not gonna complain, I just want to know how to get out of this hole that I've dug for myself. Life seems pretty pointless to me right now, though I know better than that.

Blah, I'm just ranting now. Surely someone can decipher all this crap out that I've typed.

 

[leothelioness]

I can relate in a way. I tend to keep people at a distance from being hurt in the past and that's my mechanism of defense. Have you had anything like that happen before?

You could also just have an anti-social personality that maybe a visit with a psychologist could help you to sort out. The latter seems more like what you may be dealing with, but you can't know for sure until you see a professional.

 

[GQ Chris]

I have a bit of that in me. Its more ambivalence though and not chosen isolation. I know many acquaintances, and I have had to burn a bridge with a best friend I've known since junior high. That really sucked, but it had to be done.

 

[Camaro]

Dunno if I'd call you crazy haha. There's a lot of people just like you, including myself, to a certain extent. I've came out of my shell a lot in the past year, but I still have some work to do.

I think you already know the answer to your problems, which is that you need to build your faith up with God again. When you have peace of mind through Christ, everything goes more smoothly.

 

[Sapphyre]

You're not crazy at all! Tensing up when people get too close is perfectly normal, especially if you've been hurt by people you trusted - which, let's face it, who hasn't?

Since it's bothering you and you're looking to change things, I'd encourage you to pray about it and give any past hurts over to God. That's helped me in the past for sure. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it more.

 

[Oddish]

Did someone who you were supposed to trust betray you in some way? Maybe you are guarding yourself against future betrayal but are going OTT with it.

 

[HazelWings]

I'm going to go with a different angle than what the others suggested, and ask if you could be suffering from depression? I don't know you personally but some of the things you've mentioned in your posts may point to that. If you're having a hard time, please please talk to your doctor. It takes a strong person to know when to ask for help from others, and there is no shame in that.

 

[Lord Herdsetk]

It probably is a mix of depression and being stabbed in the back by a certain someone in my family. Depression runs in my family anyways, and not really having anyone to help pull me out of this mess hasn't helped any. I tried talking to my parents about this a while back and they just laughed it off. I haven't really talked to them about it since. Its not something that's continual; it happens now and then in spurts.

Honestly, I think it is more so a result of loneliness than chronic depression. Its been really bad since the end of high school till now. I've been going to college for three years now, and I really haven't made any new friends. Most of my high school buddies just kind of went their separate ways. The two that I can still talk to are distant. One guy is unstable and has a completely different outlook on life than I do. He's a very depressing guy to hang around, but he is a nice guy past all the pessimism. The other guy I talk to a few times a month via xbox live. I barely see him at all, but I have kept in contact with him, if only that.

I guess the good news is that I'm going to a new school this fall, and will have another chance at meeting new people. Its a university, so they'll be much more people to talk to. I've just been really frustrated with my lack of success at getting to know new people and putting myself out there. I started to crawl out of my shell in middle school, but that was before one of my uncles pulled that stupid stunt that more or less split up my family. What he did was utterly disgusting, but more than that my cousins are still having to deal with the crap he pulled.

I should stop dwelling on that, its gonna ruin me if it hasn't already. Guys, just please pray for me to straighten out where I stand with God and for me to meet a good group of friends. I always dreamed that I would have found a nice girl by now to spend my life with (naive I know), but right now I just want some people that I can depend on to help me grow as well as me help them. I hate to say it, but I'm still not ready.

I'm rough around the edges and perhaps anti social, but I'm really not a bad guy. I just have trouble showing that to other people.

 

[PenguinPie]

I know exactly what you're talking about. I feel the same way most of the time. Until I left home for college, I had one friend and zero people I could really talk to, and I imagined real relationships would solve all my problems. Now I have two people I can really talk to, but I still spend much of my time imagining they only want to be around me because they feel sorry for me (because, let's face it, I am pretty pitiful [case in point]).

Keep following God, because he's worth it, even if you can't see it right now. The more you love Him, the more you'll be able to love others. I feel weird even saying that -- it's like the one fable when the crab's mom criticizes him for walking sideways -- but I have it on good authority from people I trust.

Also definitely try going to a counselor. It's hard, I know from scant experience, but even the couple of times I've been to the school counselor have helped me immensely and I'm planning on finding a Christian one for over the summer. I don't know what your financial situation is, but if you can afford it, do it.

Take this post with a grain of salt... I'm still right where you are, I haven't overcome it yet. Anyway, good luck.

 

[HazelWings]

He's a very depressing guy to hang around, but he is a nice guy past all the pessimism.

I guess the good news is that I'm going to a new school this fall, and will have another chance at meeting new people. Its a university, so they'll be much more people to talk to.

Guys, just please pray for me to straighten out where I stand with God and for me to meet a good group of friends.

I'm glad you have an opportunity to sort of start fresh. Do try to avoid people who bring you down (I've had to do this with my own father to a degree), and try to surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself. I've always been shy, and was painfully so as a child. College helped me out of my shell because I was forced to speak up, but it's still a struggle to stretch beyond my comfort zone.

Lots of prayers going your way You can PM if you ever need someone to vent to.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Just want to say that I relate. In fact, I'm very similar. Its very hard for me to get close to people....When people try, I unconsciously do things to shut them down. I only realize I've done it later that night when I'm laying in bed. When it comes to relationships, I fail to even give people chances.

I went through high school with perhaps one good friend that I met my Junior year, and I've managed to go through most of college just going to class, not talking to anybody, and going home. I made one good friend. Its only recently this last year that I've been more social and trying to get out and do things and be involved.

If anything, I've recently realized that you do have to make an effort. Friends and networks don't just fall from the sky.

Anyway, if you want to talk, you can PM me or get me on skype. It is much easier to talk to people online, and it can be quite therapeutic. When you talk about it, you have to think, and when you think, you tend to learn more about yourself.