Sexual sin

[Accueil]

Hi everyone
I am new here and I hope this is the right place to post this.
I have been praying for a while for the gift of tongues but last week my small group leader said she had been praying for me and that she felt that God was telling her that I had some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently and that this could be blocking my prayers.
I have examined my heart and it has made me wonder whether I really understand what constitutes sexual sin. I am too embarrassed to ask anyone face-to-face!
I did have some sexual sin from before I was married (before I was saved) but I confessed that to God, to my husband and to my small group leader so that shouldn't be affecting me now, should it??
Please can you advise me on exactly what sexual sin is. I have a very loving relationship with my husband and have certainly never been unfaithful or anything.
Thank you!

 

[Matthias Rose]

First of all, someone else telling you they think you have some unconfessed sin -- of any sort -- is pretty rude, unless they have some evidence. We all have some unconfessed sin; we have sin we're not even aware of. We are complicated, vast, messy beings with an imperfect understanding of God's desire for our lives, and an imperfect understanding of sin. I could walk up to any person in any church and legitimately say: "I think you have some unconfessed sin." Sexual. Financial. Emotional. This is what grace is for.

So, my first observation is that this person is out of line and a little weird.

But different church congregations have different norms, so maybe her sticking her nose in your business based on a wild hunch is appropriate there.

As for sin: my definition -- and it's not an uncommon one -- is anything that leads us away from God. Anything that comes between us and our ability to perceive and accept God's love. Jesus taught that sin is in the heart, in the intention -- not just in the action. Lusting after another, even without acting on it, is a form of adultery. Jesus just called every living being that ever walked this earth an adulterer, even if we are only occasional and ephemeral adulterers. We all need that grace!

If you are faithful to your husband in action and in heart, then you are in the top one or two percentile of human beings on this planet, and your small group leader can attend to the plank in her own eye. If you are NOT, then congratulations -- God's grace and love are there for you: you can turn from the distraction and accept the bliss of God's love again.

There's more nuance possible however. Your sexual relationship, fully conforming to the external guidance around faithfulness, can still fall into a range that either honors and celebrates the divine, or which distracts you from the divine. Based on what you said, it sounds like you fall into the holy side of that spectrum. But if sex is mechanical, perfunctory, grudging, or even unpleasurable -- then there is some work to do to restore intimacy and let the sacrament of love again celebrate the miracle of life and give honor to the God who made you and designed your body for ecstasy. I highly doubt this is what the small group leader had in mind, but it is worth keeping in mind. Healthy, holy sexuality should celebrate the "one flesh" that God has worked in your life.

 

[contango]

Hi everyone
I am new here and I hope this is the right place to post this.
I have been praying for a while for the gift of tongues but last week my small group leader said she had been praying for me and that she felt that God was telling her that I had some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently and that this could be blocking my prayers.

I'd regard it as unusual to get something as specific as this from someone else. I wouldn't say it's absolutely impossible but it seems very odd to be specific enough to define the type of sin - sexual sin as opposed to any other kind of sin - but then leave it so vague as to whether it's something you're currently doing or something you did in the distant past.

You didn't say one way or the other but I really hope your small group leader said that to you in private. Even if your life were riddled with sexual sin in the here and now, that doesn't warrant being called out in public unless you'd previously been approached in private about it.

As to the claim that this unspecified sin is blocking your prayers, I don't buy that for a minute. If your life were currently riddled with sin (in which case you'd know about it) then you shouldn't be surprised if God doesn't move powerfully through you. If you're being told you've got some unspecified sin that is somehow blocking the Spirit I'd be worried that this person is trying to get their hooks into you.

I have examined my heart and it has made me wonder whether I really understand what constitutes sexual sin. I am too embarrassed to ask anyone face-to-face!

Here I agree with Matthias Rose - sin is essentially something that takes us away from God. If you browse this or other similar forums you'll see endless posts asking "is this sexual practice a sin" where, without going into specifics to keep the thread reasonably clean, the person asking has a desire that some might consider unusual but their spouse is apparently perfectly happy with. If you're swapping partners, sleeping with someone other than your husband etc then you're sinning. Aside from that, it's between you, your husband, and God.

I did have some sexual sin from before I was married (before I was saved) but I confessed that to God, to my husband and to my small group leader so that shouldn't be affecting me now, should it??

Why did you confess it to your small group leader? It's none of their business.

If being saved from sexual sin is a key part of your testimony it probably will come up in discussion where it's relevant and appropriate. If, for example, you were a hooker/stripper/inappropriate content actress before being saved then it's reasonable to conclude your life was once riddled with sexual sin. If you slept with a boyfriend before you met your current husband he has a reasonable expectation to know but it's nobody else's business.

If you've confessed and repented of a sin then it's forgiven. 1Jn 1:8-9 is clear about that. God promises that our sins and iniquities he will "remember no more", which basically means it's as if they never happened as far as God is concerned.

Please can you advise me on exactly what sexual sin is. I have a very loving relationship with my husband and have certainly never been unfaithful or anything.
Thank you!

As above. From what you're posting my concern would be that your small group leader is into the silly extremes of charismania that believes you can pretty much "name and claim" anything you want, and for that theology to work you have to find someone to blame for the times you "name and claim" something and don't get it. Since even admitting the possibility that God isn't going to give you what you've requested (in this case it happens to be the gift of tongues but it could have been anything from a gift to more fruit to more money etc) breaks the entire theology they have to shift the blame elsewhere. And so the problem shifts from "you're asking for the wrong things" to "there's something wrong with you", and "something wrong with you" will sooner or later boil down to either that you lack faith or that you have hidden sin in your life. If the next step is some kind of workshop to trawl through your history to find the sin that seems to be so well hidden you've forgotten you even did it yet so present it blocks your prayers, be very careful. Personally if I were pushed towards something like that I'd either run a mile from it, or step back far enough to disengage while constantly asking for Scriptural justification for what they were doing. But then I'm "That Guy" who will question even if it means questioning/refuting/shaking the very foundations of something, whereas I realise most people don't want to do that kind of thing.

As an aside, why are you asking for the gift of tongues? Not that there's anything wrong with asking for it, just curious why you selected that gift in particular.

 

[All4Christ]

Welcome to this forum! Glad to have you here

First and foremost, if you have confessed and repented of your sins (even if you forgot to specify something), and are truly trying to follow God - your prayers are not blocked. God doesn't work that way.

Second, and since this isn't in a religious specific forum I wont go into this much, tongues are not the only expression of the Holy Spirit and not all are called to have speaking in tongues. As a former Pentecostal, I am very aware with the practice of seeking to speak in tongues, and I remember agonizing over why I couldn't speak in tongues despite constant prayer over years. Remember that we aren't all given the same gifts...some tongues, some prophecy, Some evangelism...

Regarding sexual sin, I would agree with the others. One thing I may add, is that anything that takes your focus away from God can become an idol of sorts. Keep God at the center of your marriage and keep following and seeking Him. Pray together with your husband, perhaps even read scripture together each morning. Love God, and trust that He will give you the gifts that you are meant to have, and know that the gifts of he Holy Spirit come in many forms - the greatest of which is Love.

 

[JustHisKid]

Hi everyone
I am new here and I hope this is the right place to post this.
I have been praying for a while for the gift of tongues but last week my small group leader said she had been praying for me and that she felt that God was telling her that I had some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently and that this could be blocking my prayers.
I have examined my heart and it has made me wonder whether I really understand what constitutes sexual sin. I am too embarrassed to ask anyone face-to-face!
I did have some sexual sin from before I was married (before I was saved) but I confessed that to God, to my husband and to my small group leader so that shouldn't be affecting me now, should it??
Please can you advise me on exactly what sexual sin is. I have a very loving relationship with my husband and have certainly never been unfaithful or anything.
Thank you!

Remove yourself from that group. That leader is totally out of line.

 

[Dave-W]

I do not consider someone getting a word of knowledge about someone else's sin to be unusual. But what I do find odd is the lack of specifics. " ... some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently ..." is way too general. If God reveals something, it is specific and direct. In the cases I have witnessed, the person(s) knew EXACTLY what the one speaking was talking about. Every time. And God had already been dealing with them, but they were being stubborn in resisting HIM.

It sounds more like the "gift of suspicion" to me, which is NOT from the Holy Spirit.

If you cannot think of anything and the Holy Spirit does not bring anything to mind, ignore it. It is an attempt by the devil to lay unfounded guilt and condemnation on you. (and that is his job)

 

[All4Christ]

I do not consider someone getting a word of knowledge about someone else's sin to be unusual. But what I do find odd is the lack of specifics. " ... some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently ..." is way too general. If God reveals something, it is specific and direct. )

The times that this may happen should be done with great care and not on a whim. A few people are granted the gift of discernment, definitely not all...and it comes with great responsibility on a person when they use that gift.

I've heard some people saying things like that when they weren't sure, and caused great havoc in others' lives. This isn't the same thing (as it definitely had malicious effects, though they seemed sincere), but my mom was told by her spiritual mentor once that she had her series of miscarriages were because of an unconfessed sin (she never told me exactly what since it was a touchy subject). She was very upset by this and only through prayer realized that this person's comment was not from God, as she was trying to follow God to the best of her ability every day.

 

[HannahT]

Hi everyone
I am new here and I hope this is the right place to post this.
I have been praying for a while for the gift of tongues but last week my small group leader said she had been praying for me and that she felt that God was telling her that I had some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently and that this could be blocking my prayers.
I have examined my heart and it has made me wonder whether I really understand what constitutes sexual sin. I am too embarrassed to ask anyone face-to-face!
I did have some sexual sin from before I was married (before I was saved) but I confessed that to God, to my husband and to my small group leader so that shouldn't be affecting me now, should it??
Please can you advise me on exactly what sexual sin is. I have a very loving relationship with my husband and have certainly never been unfaithful or anything.
Thank you!

I would pray that God reveal to you the gifts he has already granted you so that you may use them as he feels fit.

If you have examined your heart, and you have found nothing in the realm in which the group leader speaks? Move on. If God feels you have some unconfessed sin in your life that he wishes you to deal with? The gift of the Holy Spirit will reveal that you, and will guide you on how to deal with it. God is not going to block your prayers over something you know nothing about. It doesn't work that way.

Stop doubting yourself, because you know what sexual sin is. Don't make this person allow you to feel guilty, shamed, or anything else on this level. I find this approach rather off putting - the leader's approach - if they have nothing else to add. You don't throw something extremely general at someone about something so serious, and just leave them hanging like that. God would NOT wish to leave you in a state of confusion - that is not his nature.

I would question the discernment skills of this leader, and maybe they should pray about improving them.

 

[tenderheart1]

This small group leader is out of line. If you had sexual sin in your life, you'd be the first to know it. I would not accept that as "coming from God."

 

[LinkH]

Hi everyone
I am new here and I hope this is the right place to post this.
I have been praying for a while for the gift of tongues but last week my small group leader said she had been praying for me and that she felt that God was telling her that I had some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently and that this could be blocking my prayers.
I have examined my heart and it has made me wonder whether I really understand what constitutes sexual sin. I am too embarrassed to ask anyone face-to-face!
I did have some sexual sin from before I was married (before I was saved) but I confessed that to God, to my husband and to my small group leader so that shouldn't be affecting me now, should it??
Please can you advise me on exactly what sexual sin is. I have a very loving relationship with my husband and have certainly never been unfaithful or anything.

I think you did the right thing by not dismissing what she said out of hand, since the Bible says 'despise not prophesyings'. People are human, and it is possible for people to confuse their own thoughts for revelation, which is a bad thing of course, if they tell other people it's from God. But the Bible does talk about the gift of prophecy making manifest the secrets of someone else's heart in a church meeting. I hope she was tactful in saying this.

I've experience someone telling some thought of mine in a church meeting, but I'm glad it wasn't sexual at all. I didn't realize the connection between what he'd said and what I'd been thinking, and didn't catch it at first, but I realized it was spot on. I've seen a lot of cases where 'the secrets of his heart are made manifest' through the gift of prophecy but usually it's not anything embarrassing.

If you want to consider whether you have some sexual sin you aren't aware of, and you repented of your past sexual sins before marriage, you could consider other areas that people may not think of. Jesus said if a man looks at a woman in order to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her in his heart. You could flip that around and ask yourself if you look lustfully at men. One of the problem with inappropriate content is that, generally, the purpose of it is so that people will look with lust. That's one of those things where you think it is not an issue, but you have to search your memory and pray and see if you've desired someone else and yielding your eyes or mind such things. That may not stick out in your mind as much as a sexual act. Another area where married people can sin is in not taking care of their partner's needs, what the Bible calls in I Corinthians 7 in the KJV, rendering 'due benevolence.' Another area could be something like a woman telling her husband she was a virgin when she wasn't and she may need to confess that. Those are things that may not be as obvious as having committed some sexual sin.

And of course you should also consider whether this person was right or not. But if someone does tell you you are in sin, it's a very good idea to really think and pray about it first. Does this person hear God in other cases? Is she always throwing out ideas she thinks are from God about other people that miss it, that aren't accurate, or does she hear God acurrately? If you think she was right, confess your sins. It's a good idea to confess to some one else, either your husband, or another woman whose mature in the faith. But if you think she was wrong, you could talk to your pastor r church elders about what happened.

 

[LinkH]

I do not consider someone getting a word of knowledge about someone else's sin to be unusual. But what I do find odd is the lack of specifics. " ... some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently ..." is way too general. If God reveals something, it is specific and direct. In the cases I have witnessed, the person(s) knew EXACTLY what the one speaking was talking about. Every time. And God had already been dealing with them, but they were being stubborn in resisting HIM.

Usually the person knows, and sometimes these things are worded in such a way that the person knows and no one else knows unless they are really close to the person. But I've also experienced cases of not realizing it was spot on when it was directed at me until I went back and remembered some details. There was a prophecy that seemed to fit me to a T about my graduate studies in a small setting, except it said something about doubting whether something was God's will. I didn't doubt my graduate studies were God's will. But coming home in the wee hours of the morning on my bicycle after some statistical exploration seemed to bear little fruit one night, I was asking God if I'd missed it on my dissertation topic, and I realized that prophecy was probably for me, and I'd wished I'd made a better mental note and written it down. I seemed to remember the gist was that God would help me get done, which was comforting.

If you cannot think of anything and the Holy Spirit does not bring anything to mind, ignore it. It is an attempt by the devil to lay unfounded guilt and condemnation on you. (and that is his job)

If someone gets something like this wrong, it can mess with people or discourage them. It may be a good idea to discuss it with the church leadership if this is the case.

 

[Johnnz]

There is something wrong with her theology. Also, speaking in tongues does not always come easily to everyone. We must offer our voice, not wait until it 'just happens' most often. That is a reserve that many need to work through.

John
NZ

 

[contango]

I think you did the right thing by not dismissing what she said out of hand, since the Bible says 'despise not prophesyings'. People are human, and it is possible for people to confuse their own thoughts for revelation, which is a bad thing of course, if they tell other people it's from God. But the Bible does talk about the gift of prophecy making manifest the secrets of someone else's heart in a church meeting. I hope she was tactful in saying this.

The Bible does say not to despise prophecies and immediately afterwards says "test all things, hold fast what is good". We must test, and the fact someone says "God told me..." doesn't actually mean God did anything of the sort. You only have to look at the tidal wave of garbage pumped out as "prophetic" on various web sites to see that.

I've experience someone telling some thought of mine in a church meeting, but I'm glad it wasn't sexual at all. I didn't realize the connection between what he'd said and what I'd been thinking, and didn't catch it at first, but I realized it was spot on. I've seen a lot of cases where 'the secrets of his heart are made manifest' through the gift of prophecy but usually it's not anything embarrassing.

If God used someone else to speak in a way that might have seemed generic to everyone except you, but you regarded it as a specific conviction to repent of something, that's all well and good. That's very different from someone saying "hey LinkH, God told me that the reason your prayer isn't answered is that you've got unconfessed sexual sin in your life".

If you want to consider whether you have some sexual sin you aren't aware of, and you repented of your past sexual sins before marriage, you could consider other areas that people may not think of. Jesus said if a man looks at a woman in order to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her in his heart. You could flip that around and ask yourself if you look lustfully at men. One of the problem with inappropriate content is that, generally, the purpose of it is so that people will look with lust. That's one of those things where you think it is not an issue, but you have to search your memory and pray and see if you've desired someone else and yielding your eyes or mind such things. That may not stick out in your mind as much as a sexual act. Another area where married people can sin is in not taking care of their partner's needs, what the Bible calls in I Corinthians 7 in the KJV, rendering 'due benevolence.' Another area could be something like a woman telling her husband she was a virgin when she wasn't and she may need to confess that. Those are things that may not be as obvious as having committed some sexual sin.

And of course you should also consider whether this person was right or not. But if someone does tell you you are in sin, it's a very good idea to really think and pray about it first. Does this person hear God in other cases? Is she always throwing out ideas she thinks are from God about other people that miss it, that aren't accurate, or does she hear God acurrately? If you think she was right, confess your sins. It's a good idea to confess to some one else, either your husband, or another woman whose mature in the faith. But if you think she was wrong, you could talk to your pastor r church elders about what happened.

From the way the first post was worded I think the poster has had ample opportunity to consider whether she might have unconfessed sin in her life or not. If the small group leader with the "word from God" was wrong there's probably no need to go to the pastor or elders about it unless it's a regular thing. If she got it wrong then she got it wrong. If she keeps getting it wrong she should be reined in. If she keeps getting it wrong and isn't reined in, it's probably time to find a different church.

 

[LinkH]

I remember a case of a word of knowledge about someone being in sexual sin now. My wife and I went to church with this man I know. She asked him if he'd committed adultery. She'd gotten a word of knowledge. Sure enough, he had. He confessed his sin and we prayed with him. I believe he came clean with is wife. They are still married the last I heard.

My mom was doing altar counselor ministry once at church. One woman was praying about something, and my mom knew she'd been molested and asked her if that was what it was. She didn't know the woman before that conversation. I've gotten something similar for something when praying with them. That's a little different from the 'you have sexual sin' thing in the OP, but it illustrates that such things happen.

 

[Shodan]

I have been praying for a while for the gift of tongues but last week my small group leader said she had been praying for me and that she felt that God was telling her that I had some unconfessed sexual sin in my life, either from the past or from recently and that this could be blocking my prayers.
I have examined my heart and it has made me wonder whether I really understand what constitutes sexual sin.

I don't think you should be praying for the gift of tongues. You should be praying for someone in your small group to have the gift of discernment, so that person can tell your small group leader that not every notion that comes into her head is a word from God.

The fact that you did not recognize what your small group leader was talking about is an indication that this was not a word from God.

She is playing head games with you. Probably not consciously, but don't play along with her.

If you need to, and she brings it up again, just say "I have prayed and examined my conscience and talked with my husband, and that isn't it." If she pushes it or tries to guilt you into revealing anything more about your sex life, tell her to pray about it, but not to bring it up again, especially not in your small group, until the Lord tells you about it. Not her.

My prayers for the Holy Spirit to bless you with all good gifts.

Regards,
Shodan

 

[Dave-W]

I don't think you should be praying for the gift of tongues. You should be praying for someone in your small group to have the gift of discernment, so that person can tell your small group leader that not every notion that comes into her head is a word from God.

The fact that you did not recognize what your small group leader was talking about is an indication that this was not a word from God.

She is playing head games with you. Probably not consciously, but don't play along with her.

If you need to, and she brings it up again, just say "I have prayed and examined my conscience and talked with my husband, and that isn't it." If she pushes it or tries to guilt you into revealing anything more about your sex life, tell her to pray about it, but not to bring it up again, especially not in your small group, until the Lord tells you about it. Not her.

My prayers for the Holy Spirit to bless you with all good gifts.

I agree. Do not get sucked into that dynamic. She has no business fishing for details of your sex life.

 

[DZoolander]

I don't mean to be insensitive, but the whole thing is just wacky to me.

Most likely - the reason you don't have the "gift of tongues" is because you simply haven't learned to shut off the portion of your brain that regulates speech so that you can begin frantically spouting gibberish. Whatever "tongues" may be - there have been a couple of studies done on those that practice it. Once they start - the frontal lobe (which regulates things like language/etc) decreases in activity. Basically - people that are speaking in tongues have learned how to make noise without exercising the language portion of the brain.

In other words - those that try to analyze it and control it probably can't do it - as control and analysis are diametrically opposite of what's needed to actually do it. It's kind of like people that can't be hypnotized. They just can't "release" that way. Their mind just gets in the way. I'm like that. I've been the "guy that can't be hypnotized" in a couple of hypnotist-shows in the past.

Most likely that's what your issue is - not some "unaddressed sexual sin".

Personally, I'd just start clucking like a chicken or something. They'll never know the difference - and I'm thoroughly convinced that's what most of them are doing anyhow.

 

[Dave-W]

Sorry, but I disagree with EZ on that one. Doing things in the flesh like "clucking like a chicken" is NOT the Spirit of God and can lead (in my experience) to one taking on a demon of false tongues.

I would not worry about whether you ever get that gift or not. While I agree it is a wonderful and useful gift, I think the apostle is clear when he asked this:

1 Corinthians 12:30 Have all the gifts of healing? do all speak with tongues? do all interpret?

The clear answer is no. Not everyone has that gift. And that is OK.

 

[All4Christ]

Sorry, but I disagree with EZ on that one. Doing things in the flesh like "clucking like a chicken" is NOT the Spirit of God and can lead (in my experience) to one taking on a demon of false tongues.

I would not worry about whether you ever get that gift or not. While I agree it is a wonderful and useful gift, I think the apostle is clear when he asked this:

1 Corinthians 12:30 Have all the gifts of healing? do all speak with tongues? do all interpret?

The clear answer is no. Not everyone has that gift. And that is OK.

I agree that it is a real gift, though I think there are many that don't have it that say they do and still try speaking in tongues; I also believe that the most beneficial speaking in tongues is the version where you are speaking in a foreign language unknown to you.

Many, including myself when I was a Pentecostal Christian in the past, felt much pressure to do so...when I was just a teenager, I wasn't let go from the altar until I "spoke" in tongues. After a very long time, I faked it just to get out of there. I felt horrible about lying about that, and felt like I was not spiritual enough and that I must be doing something wrong spiritually. As you said, not all have the gift of speaking in tongues, and it really frustrates me when people say the only way of being filled with the Holy spirit is if you speak in tongues. It is spiritually damaging to many when it is expected of all Christians. It still is a painful memory for me years later even to this day.

Likewise, the receiving a Word of God is a gift - the gift of discernment - but I believe many claim to have that gift when they don't. It can equally cause pain and spiritual damage if used incorrectly.

 

[Dave-W]

Many, including myself when I was a Pentecostal Christian in the past, felt much pressure to do so...when I was just a teenager, I wasn't let go from the altar until I "spoke" in tongues. After a very long time, I faked it just to get out of there.

I understand that completely. I fear many MANY people in that circle are and were in the same boat with you and faked it.