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Seperation to fix a marriage?

Discussion in 'Separation and Marriage Restoration' started by hanaya, Sep 7, 2008.

  1. hanaya

    hanaya Child of God

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    Hi,
    Just wanted to know if there was anyone out there who knows of a marriage that was helped by a separation.
    My husband wants some space and after quite a few months of problems and a two week separation, he would like to get separate dwellings. To me, this seems like it would only make things worse. I'm afraid that it would become out of sight-out of mind. He says he needs this so that he can "miss me" and sort things out while he has his own space.
    I don't know what to do...
    Has this worked for anyone out there?
    -Shannon
     
  2. thoughtIwas

    thoughtIwas Newbie

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    I dont know how much help I could be. My wife wants to seperate. I am currently 13000 miles away because I am deployed. I think that for all praticale purposes that we are "seperated." Most marriages do not come back from seperation per statistics. If a seperation is to be helpful their has to be a goal. Need time to "miss you" is not a goal. Discuss what can be accomplished by doing this. Not having answers is the hardest part. I would suggest that if you do seperate you both should seek couseling. Seperate and together. The two of you should definately discuss what that would accomplish. Something I have been trying to get my wife to visualize, its hard over the phone, is what would be the best case scernio. What does he need from you to be happy? What do you need from him? How is your relationship with God? Everyone makes mistakes. The Chaplin has helped me a lot. God holds the weight of my heart from crushing me everyday. If you both Love each other and put your faith in God then everything will be ok. One way or another. I know I feel like I am defiantly "our of sight and out of mind." The only thing I know to do is trust God. Seek help with a trusted Pastor, or Priest, or Counseler. Sorry if I didnt tell you anything useful, but I definatly feel your pain.
     
  3. Autumnleaf

    Autumnleaf Legend

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    Separation tends to lead to the end of marriage.
     
  4. savitri

    savitri Newbie

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    just wanted to say to thoughtIwas..."God holds the weight of my heart from crushing me everyday"....I believe this, it was beautiful.
     
  5. PerrySB

    PerrySB Newbie

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    The only time separation is a good idea is if there is violence or the potential for it in the home. Problems don’t get resolved by being apart; they only get put on the back burner for a while. Many men will ask for a temporary separation to see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. If this is the case then separation will only lead to divorce in most cases. If he feels he needs personal space he can have that without separating.
    What problems does he think will be worked out by being separated?
     
  6. sadi belle

    sadi belle Newbie

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    Some friends of mine did this a couple of years ago and it definitely worked for them. Actually they literally got divorced. They stayed amicable for the kids. Both of them also kept praying and soul searching about what went wrong. The woman was in counseling and for years the man had refused to go. At a missions commissioning service for their daughter she got the courage up to ask him if they could talk. They did and EVERYTHING that had been pent up came out but not as a fight type thing but a discussion. They actually listened to each other and thought about what the other was saying. HE asked if they could go to (Christian) counseling and one thing led to another and they got remarried on their anniversary and have been married for 2 years this time. (20 total--minus the 2 they were divorced) I agree that this situation is probably atypical but God can do anything. If He put the two of you together in the beginning there's no reason He can't restore your marriage. Prayer is the key. Examine yourself and pray for Him (God) to change you, though. You are the only person you can change. Pray for your mate, get out of the way, and let the Holy Spirit do His job in your mate's heart.
     
  7. dayknee

    dayknee Senior Member

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    The only reason to seperate is NOT just becuase of physical violence. That's not accurate and thankfully it's only an opinion.

    I seperated 2 years ago due to lying, neglect, porn, and my estranged husband having sex online with other women. This was something that I could NOT and would NOT work out with him in the home. Nope! I have two children that do not need to see or be around this sick stuff.
    I started counseling immediatly afterwards and he did for about 4 months until he decided he didn't need it.
    So it stands this way currently. I still go and work out feelings of anger for being so hurt and neglected. He does nothing. He lives 2 hours away and he comes once a week to see the kids and every single weekend is pretty rough. There is always fighting arguing and accusing. He plays on the computer all day long and does nothing else. I don't want that kind of husband. And thankfully being seperated has helped me not act hasty in filing for divorce or having him continue to live at home or else nothing would ever get worked on or be solved. He's had all his opportunities to chagne and chose not to. So I chose to move on.
    Seperation can help if there are different things going on in the marriage. Seperation is not a good idea simply becuase on spouse desires it out of the blue for no reason. somehting else is going on there.
     
  8. HisdaughterJen

    HisdaughterJen New Member

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    I agree with Dayknee.

    If he wants a separation, he's got another woman and lifestyle in mind.

    I read a book, recommended by many on this forum, (Love Must Be Tough). It showed that when one person in a relationship pulls away, the other person usually gets scared and latches on which is the WRONG thing to do. The other person needs to let go and pull away too so that the first person seriously considers the consequences of losing you. What would happen if you nonchalantly said, "you know, I could use some space and time away from you as well. I have plans of my own and it'd be good to see them through". Instead, he's probably expecting you to freak out and beg and plead for him to stay.

    The book, as I recall, pointed out that we have to remember when we first were dating. Remember how we had our own lives and goals and each made sacrifices/plans to be together. When we get married, usually the wife gets lost in the marriage, waiting for the husband, while the husband keeps going, often taking advantage of the wife.
    When we marry, we have not given up our identity/self. We still have a life to live/goals to achieve and should continue with them. We did not abandon ourselves and become an extension of our husband.

    Contrary to 1950's thinking, we did not sell ourselves as slaves into marriage, good only to cook, clean, raise kids, and look pretty so that we can meet his sexual needs while all he does is go to work. If that's a marriage, I'm the tooth fairy.
     
  9. hanaya

    hanaya Child of God

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    Well, in the end, I didn't really get much of a choice in the matter. I went to live with my parents for about six months, with the mistaken belief that I would be moving home "soon." Finally, I couldn't wait for soon to come and I bought a place. I've been living on my own for a few weeks now. I have good days and bad days, and today was the latter. I can see the differences that the seperation has made in our relationship, in the way that we are together and in the way that he views me and talks to me. I have seen positive changes but at the same point I don't think we're necessarily that much close to working things out. At the beginning I was the positive one and he just wanted out, and now I feel like things are getting hopeless but suddenly he seems hopeful. At least his words do, but I feel like we just keep growing apart, or at least we've grown accepting and comfortable with the way that we are "dating" now.
    Anyway, in an effort to not let this go on indefinetly, I've given him a timeline. He has until our wedding anniversay in August to "get his act together" and figure out what he wants. I just can't celebrate another pretend wedding anniversary.
     
  10. beertjie

    beertjie Newbie

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    I'm in the same place.
    My wife also wants to "seperate" or when i try and convince her that that is not the way, she wants a divorce.
    I read a lot about this.
    In the Bible, it says that a man and a woman can "seperate" to give their full attention to God.
    But:
    Only if they both agree to it, and only if they have a set date when they would return.

    I do not see how anyone can fix a marriage as two separated individuals.
    God's intention for us in marriage is clearly that we are ONE in marriage.
    We are two people in ONE row boat. If only one rows, the boat spins around and goes no-where.

    I agree to a degree that when one partner (Especially a christian who knows the bible) wants to separate, it is because they have other plans, want to test the waters outside the marriage or is already in another relationship.

    But you have to remember.
    BOTH of you made a promise to God. For better or for WORSE.... Not for better or for ok'ish. (Again... it was a PROMISE to GOD!... Those ones you don't want to break..)

    My wife was in a relationship with another man a week ago still. i obviously wanted to leave her. My mind was set. My heart is still broken. But we are to love our wives as God loves the church.
    God would not "divorce" one of his people if they stray and they repent?

    Marriages with God in the middle works. If both partners fear and love God, they would try and live for the other person. They would not cheat. If they do, they would repent and they BOTH would work on the problem.
    How can a marriage fail then?

    Things is... We live in a sick world. Worldly doings is the norm. Satan will do anything in his power to take any gap he can find in a marriage and destroy it.
    Don't let him....

    First things first.
    Place God first. and WITH that.... do what he tells yo to do in the bible... You know what is expected of you. It's right there.

    I hope and pray that your partner will do the same.
    If they do, no marriage will fail.

    The recipe for a marriage is your partner and you both living for God. It is bulletproof!

    That recipe does not include separation.

    In my humble opinion of course.

    God's power is absolutely amazing. he can make the universe do his bidding... he can and surely will assist you with your troubles.
    But lastly... also remember that God's will is his will. We cannot even comprehend what and why he lets things happen. it will hit you like a brick the day something FANTASTIC happens to you, and you will realize that that fantastic thing would never have happened if you did NOT go through what you went through.

    His will is bigger than yours or mine.
     
    Last edited: May 30, 2009
  11. hopelesswithout

    hopelesswithout Newbie

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    If he is truly of Christ. How can this be? RE: Your situation I can not understand how a man with the heart of Christ could be such. Does he not love Jesus. Is he one of the many decieved. The holy spirit is not a lazy whimp. Sorry if I missed something. Dealing with separation also. B
     
  12. HuntingMan

    HuntingMan New Member

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    I cant think of any that I know personally. My separation from my ex just gave her more opportunity to cheat.
    A friend who tried separation years ago had the same thing happen. As soon as he left his ex took the opportunity to cheat even more.

    Not saying that this is the rule or anything. Id be certain that in some cases that separation has possibly helped, but personally I dont believe that separation should be used except where one is considering divorce because of something like they are in danger because of abuse or maybe trying to jolt their spouse into taking things more seriously.

    Separation should be taken as seriously as divorce....ie only when other options have been exhausted or when physical abuse, etc, make it necessary.
     
  13. sdmsanjose

    sdmsanjose Regular Member

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    Shannon
    If “… he needs this so that he can "miss me" and sort things out while he has his own space.” then I think that it can work.

    My wife and I are separated right now. She is 2000 miles away visiting our daughter and will be there for 5 weeks. In the past she has stayed for 6-9 weeks. We did not separate because we are mad at each other or for some serious difficulties; she loves to visit my daughter and she is retired and I am not.

    This separation every year or two usually strengthens our relationship. Having this change (separation) can be helpful when you have been married for decades and maybe even if you have been married for less time. Somehow I start thinking about her and the good times when she has been gone for some time. We start writing emails to each other and as the time goes on I can read where the words are much more tender. I also forget about the little things that she irritated me with and realize they are trivial compared to what she adds to our lives. There is and old 50/60s song that says “You don’t know what you got until you loose it” There is some truth in that.

    I hope that your husband is telling the truth when he says that his actions are so that he can “miss you”. If that is his motivation then it is possible that the separation can help. I would not beg him or threaten him about coming back home. He has his free will choice and I do not see how you showing desperation will help. Keep your dignity and respect because you should not lose yourself and become a dishrag based upon your husband’s choices.

    Maybe you could consider telling your husband that you will respect his decision and that this may give you an opportunity for you to sort some things out also. That should not be a threat but really something that you could consider.


    Ok I wrote the above without reading all the other posts and your last post. IMO, Six months is long enough to miss you and sort things out. I want to also recommend the book that HisdaughterJen stated. Love Must Be Tough” is a book that talks about how you can respond to a mate that is riding the fence. He needs to be brought to accountability and make up his mind about his commitment to his marriage. Please get the book and read it. You have already stated how he has responded positively when you quit being the one to carry all the hope. The book talks about your kind of action and even predicted your husband’s response.

    Stan
     
  14. rppearso

    rppearso New Member

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    Separation in my past marriage resulted in a divorce (and it did not take very much time for the divorce after the separation), just my experience others may be different.
     
  15. sweetdarcy

    sweetdarcy Newbie

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    I was once told by my ex-pastor that separation only works once. If you keep doing it, it really has no effect. I can attest to that!! My husband moved out 8 weeks ago .. for the 6th time! It's beyond ridiculous how he expects us to work on our marriage when we are apart, but I know that we both need to work on personal issues. I really don't know what the answer is. I'm so glad God does!
     
  16. visionary

    visionary Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I. Supporter

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    Horse pucky.... Motive for separation are concealed... Reveal them and you can then get serious about how to resolve the real issues.
     
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