Seeking wisdom

[vescd]

My husband and I have been married almost 4 years, together for 7. I thought I was being wise by choosing to marry him because despite our differences (in almost EVERYTHING), we both wanted to focus our lives on Christ 100%, and I thought he would be a strong Christian head of our household.

About a year ago he revealed he wasn't a Christian anymore, and said he's not sure he ever was. He wanted to start experimenting with drugs to open his mind, and was extremely frustrated that I was uncomfortable with all that, and was downright offended I was worried for our family. We had one daughter at the time, but one thing we had always agreed on was trying for at least 4 children; he also told me he didn't think he wanted more children (the Lord has since greatly blessed me with a second pregnancy).

I feel like he's taken my past (what I thought I had was founded on nothing), my present (for the pain and turmoil he's causing our family), and my future (I no longer take for granted he'll stay with me with his 'evolving' outlook on life, and had looked forward to a future full of many children and grandchildren).

He is a very sensitive (meaning easily bothered/annoyed), inflexible, difficult person - things I knew about him going into the marriage, but now that he has no "compass" he seems to embrace it.

He sometimes makes what I think most people would feel are very poor, counter-productive, maybe borderline abusive parenting decisions with our 2 year old - spanking when crying too hard when she's upset, for example. He is resentful of me for letting her turn out that way (crying too hard when she's upset). I do my best to be respectful when I stand up to his methods.

I love my Savior, and I don't know how to best honor Him as I navigate respecting/submitting to a non-Christian husband (who if I am honest I have almost no respect for anymore) without encouraging his flaws and while protecting my child when I feel it's warranted (I don't mean any dramatic swelling my child out of the room away; I try to address things calmly as suggestions - 'I'm not sure she understands what you're spanking her for because she keeps doing it' sort of stuff).

God forgive me for the resentment I feel toward him. Other than prayer for him and asking forgiveness of my own sins and help with my own shortcomings, what advice and wisdom could you offer?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply.

 

[ValleyGal]

Your first obligation is to your child. Check up on spanking laws where you live, and monitor his behaviour towards your child. Keep a log of it - if he is drinking or using drugs when she is present, if he yells at her, spanks her (how hard and how many swats and whether it left any marks, etc), and log the reason he is spanking her. Crying too hard is not justification for a spanking. All that's going to do is make her cry even harder. Also log any time he mistreats you in front of your daughter, including if she hears him yelling at you. This is vicarious trauma and is a child protection issue. If you ever have any concerns or if it (heaven forbid) ever goes to court, you will need his behaviours documented.

The "submission" wives should have to their husband is no different than the "love" a husband should have for his wife. Both of them (love and submission) mean to consider the other before considering yourself. Iow, it is a matter of personal humility, not about bowing to his "leading" or obeying him or letting him make all the decisions, etc.

I can see why you are becoming resentful. You likely feel deceived - he led you to believe he is someone he really isn't. In fact, iirc, if you are Catholic, that would be cause for annulment. I think you might be wise to ask him if he still wants to be married to you, because he is acting like he doesn't. I would also get into a program like co-dependent's anonymous (no that you are, but often they are married to addicts) or some other support group for people whose spouse is an addict. Try to talk to a drug and alcohol counsellor and see how you should handle his behaviour at home.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be a very lonely and confusing time for you.

 

[vescd]

I may have not represented clearly enough; he is not at all a drug addict. He made a very calculated, drawn-out, controlled decision to do drugs, convinced it was a good decision to making himself a happier, openinded person. That being said, he does not do drugs around her (I forbid it).

Yelling is not a part of our home life, thankfully, especially at our child. I've never heard him raise his voice to her. He never spanks her in a rage or anything, which almost makes it harder to address - he is calm and resolute that that is how you parent. But I still consider it harmful to her - even if he gets what he wants out of her, it doesn't mean it was a good, healthy, learning experience. I find he has some very unrealistic expectations about children (and people/life in general).

Just posting to shed more light and clarification on the situation.

 

[ValleyGal]

Sometimes it's hard to recognize someone who is addicted. He may not be addicted, but one of the discussion points in the diagnostic and statistics manual (iirc) is how drugs negatively affects loved ones. His drug use, calculated decision or not, is negatively affecting your marriage and your family life. You are admittedly resentful. If something does not change, you will both continue on this same path and whatever you are experiencing now will be magnified later. Iow, if you are a 4 out of 10 on the resentment scale now, in a few years you will likely be an 8.5 on the resentment scale. Do you want to continue down this path or do you want to take steps to address the root of your resentment now before it's too late?

 

[akmom]

Oh my. This post resounds with me because sometimes I feel like I've been a bait-and-switch myself. My values have changed since my marriage, and even some of my beliefs. I do feel an obligation to be the woman my husband married, but with the frightening realization that I don't want everything I thought I wanted. I was going to be a submissive wife, stay-at-home mom, DIYer. I ended up needing a more egalitarian marriage, eventually a career, and we have both had to forfeit a lot of idealistic dreams because they were too difficult, impractical, or not worth it (such as farming, building our own house and homeschooling our kids). The hardest one is raising my children, when many of the values, explanations and beliefs we intended to teach them are things I have doubts about now.

I often feel guilty for "taking the position" when there are so many women who would have appreciated the opportunity, and I turned out different than either of us expected. But my husband hasn't resented me. Ultimately, we are really close and respect each other, so we have both compromised to make each other happy. I think there are boundaries in marriage, but there is also wiggle room. It ends up being less about the things you thought you wanted (or even do want) - the qualities "on paper" - and more about the friendship.

What was it that you loved about your husband? You say you are very different, but that does not necessarily mean you hated those differences. Certainly there was something special about him, other than being a devout Christian, because there are many, many devout Christians. He would not have been your only choice. Can you accept some of those changes, while holding him accountable for those non-negotiable ones (such as drug use)? I'm not sure what your philosophy allows you to demand in terms of being a submissive wife. I ultimately abandoned that position as a cultural thing, because its application became senseless to me when applied literally. And I am not saying you should, by any means, but I have come to suspect that there is a "common sense" exception to many teachings, and those exceptions might be fairly common. It's a slippery slope. And it's hard to be objective in our own lives. But that is just kind of my impression of the situation.

 

[royal priest]

I wonder what happened which led him to this decision a year ago. Can you discern at which point he stopped following Jesus? Assuming he was a follower to begin with, there must have been some point at which his commitment to prayer, studying the Bible, attending church, etc. had lessened. Go back to that point with him and see if he knows what the root cause was. What may help is if you investigate with him in terms of the parable of the sower.

Luke 8:4-15,
"When a large crowd was coming together, and those from the various cities were journeying to Him, He spoke by way of a parable: “The sower went out to sow his seed; and as he sowed, some fell beside the road, and it was trampled under foot and the birds of the air ate it up. Other seed fell on rocky soil, and as soon as it grew up, it withered away, because it had no moisture. Other seed fell among the thorns; and the thorns grew up with it and choked it out. Other seed fell into the good soil, and grew up, and produced a crop a hundred times as great.” As He said these things, He would call out, “He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”

His disciples began questioning Him as to what this parable meant. And He said, “To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God, but to the rest it is in parables, so that seeing they may not see, and hearing they may not understand.

“Now the parable is this: the seed is the word of God. Those beside the road are those who have heard; then the devil comes and takes away the word from their heart, so that they will not believe and be saved. Those on the rocky soil are those who, when they hear, receive the word with joy; and these have no firm root; they believe for a while, and in time of temptation fall away. The seed which fell among the thorns, these are the ones who have heard, and as they go on their way they are choked with worries and riches and pleasures of this life, and bring no fruit to maturity. But the seed in the good soil, these are the ones who have heard the word in an honest and good heart, and hold it fast, and bear fruit with perseverance."

 

[ex-pat]

A few thoughts...One: Start going to Nar-Anon meetings if there are any close by. Two: Talk to your priest! Does your husband also claim to be Eastern Orthodox? Tell your priest everything that's going on...go to confession, for yourself, because you'll feel better. Three: Talk to your presvytera/matushka/kouria and let her know what's going on, and ask for help if you are bringing your children to Liturgy alone...sometimes just having an understanding person to help hold your babies when you are bringing them to church alone is worth its weight in gold. And you DO need that connection, even if your husband has decided he doesn't believe. Four: Does your husband have the sort of job where he is subject to random drug testing? If so, he's endangering your family's livelihood for a hobby. Five: are there pressures on him at work to "loosen up" that cause him to experiment with drugs? Six: For pity's sake, separate your finances if you feel it will be a problem (using bill-paying money for drugs, for instance). Seven: Make certain he's not involved with the sort of people that come calling on the home looking for payment. Eight: Just take over the bill-paying chores yourself so you know they are done. A drug habit and tight finances can damage far more than just HIS credit. Nine: Pray for him.

 

[Murby]

No parent should spank a 2 year old child for any reason. Big warning sign.

 

[Brianlear]

The big question I have is what drugs and how is he doing them? I'm perplexed at how anyone could give advice in this thread without knowing this.

It's one thing if he is doing occasional psychedelic trips with friends, you know like a day trip out to the mountains a couple times a year. For example I have done this with my wife a few times and it has actually renewed my faith, and led to some very amazing experiences, all of which brought me closer to God and my wife as well. And after it's over we go back to our daily lives refreshed. We don't use any other substances at all, and no alcohol.

It's a completely different story if he is into amphetamines or opiates, or even using relatively benign drugs like cannabis but too often.