KayJoy
Newbie
- Oct 13, 2014
- 200
- 171
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Married
I have been met with so much condemnation that, to be honest, it is now my expectation. I am genuinely surprised when anyone is kind to me. I try not to let the DID and other issues of abuse be obvious to other people but there is only so much I can hide. I was having a quiet conversation with a close friend about me being sexually abused as a child, and a couple of women overheard and have on several occasions told me that I have sinned for having sex before I was married. I have been told that I am committing the sin of unforgiveness because I refuse to have anything to do with my biological father. It would be dangerous for me to have contact with him and if I did, I would continue to be abused, if not worse. I have other examples of being condemned but if I wrote about all of them, it would be a ridiculously long post. The worst part of all this is that the people condemning me are the people who should be reaching out and helping me - my church. It has made me feel even more shame than I already felt.
I'm sorry you've been met with more abuse from people who are supposed to represent God. I do understand, though. I was turned away as well, from people in a church who said they were my friends and loved me. I ended up leaving the church world (building) pretty much altogether for about 5 years now. I have attended a church here and there since, but not consistently.
After being turned away, while dealing with the pain of that, plus walking through some pretty dangerous situations on my own, I wrote something called "The Dissociative Church." It's kinda long, but I could share it privately if anyone wants to read it.
The basic message of the writing is this.... God walked me through the pain and being able to accept my friends where they were. They said over and over how they were here for me, and I could share anything... but when I did, it was too much for them to handle, and they dissociated from it, because what I shared with them was shocking to their 'system.' They pushed me away, being I was the source of the disturbing information.... their "dissociation" came in the form of hurtful words, avoidance, "prayers" that felt condemning, on and on.... I had to come to the place that I was willing to accept that they dissociated the same as I had, but in a different way.... :/ It didn't help me feel less alone, but it did make room for me to be able to forgive them, and eventually, I went back to that church and was welcomed with open arms... but I still kept my boundaries.
The thing I want to be careful of is.... I want to be able to receive love from others in the way that they are able to give it (as long as it isn't harming me) ...boundaries are good, and necessary .... but (for me) my goal is to receive love (that genuinely comes from God) and also to give love... this is the gist of my process ... my goal is "freely you have received, freely give." NOT to my detriment or hurt (abuse) ... but with wisdom.
I don't know how I got off on that.... it was more for me, than directed at anyone here. I needed to type this out.... it's been a rough day....
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