relative's wedding: make him go or let him stay?

[bluegreysky]

I need advice about what to do with my husband because this has caused a fight now, twice.

He has 3 older half-sisters. The youngest of them stayed somewhat close with the family when the other 2 moved back to california and don't call much. This younger sister, we'll call her K, is in her late 30's, has 2 kids and is divorced. Last year, she fell in love with a good man and in April she got engaged. She set the wedding for September, at a fancy resort 6 hours north of here by car.
She of course invited my husband (her little half-brother) and I along with the rest of the family. When she first invited us, he said "of course we will go" but then when he found out it was in September, 3 weeks into his next semester at school, he said "no".
I said I would try to go, and he was fine with that.
Then, when school let out for summer last week, he had a moment to catch his breath and he said "ok I'll make it happen".
So I told them we were coming.
Then yesterday morning, we got in an argument about something else and kind of to spite me (knowing that I'm excited for this weekend mini-adventure and a chance to bond with his family) he said "I'm not going to that wedding".
We fought all day about it.

His side of things:
last year we got married and his dad 3 weeks before the big day had a heart attack. He didn't get to go. My dad had already paid for everything and would lose money if we moved it, his dad said "its ok go on without me". He was still hospitalized on the big day and for a month after. my husband knows it wasn't a purposeful thing, it was a sickness. totally beyond anyone's control. but he still feels.... bitter. I guess his dad often didn't take my husband's special life events very serious growing up.
The half-sis who is getting married was at our wedding. But at the last minute, her boyfriend and her 2 teenage kids decided to all go do their own thing. She came alone.
His other 2 half-sisters came here all the way from Cali to see the sick FIL, but didn't stay for our wedding. "had to get back to work" they said.
His mom took things seriously. His little bro was our best man, but left early half-way thru the reception because his now ex-girlfriend was throwing a fit because she was selfish and was unhappy to be at an event that was not all about her. His little sister was a bridesmaid and she stayed the course because she LOVES parties.
In the months before our wedding, he'd been staying with his family to save money and so had his brother and the now ex and their baby. No one could get along, and his parents always sided with the brother who has a kid... because it was "first grandchild"
my hubby got tired of the drama and moved out. found a makeshift arrangement for 6 months and then we married and he took over my condo.
He said his whole life, he's always been tossed by the wayside so the little siblings could come first. And the half siblings half-way don't care because only my FIL is their real parent.
All in all, he's bitter kind of from how his family has treated him over the years and doesn't really want to make this wedding in Sept a priority.
He rather focus on school. Says that just like last fall, there will already be tests to study for and he won't enjoy a 6 hour drive each way and 2 nights away from home busy entertaining people when he has to study.

My side of things:
I never had siblings. I didn't get to celebrate a sister's wedding or go on a big family retreat because my parents were kind of homebodies.
I "inherited" a big family... that has some issues. I want to smooth out the issues or at least not add to them by being a good DIL.
So I made time for them around my family at the holidays, bought them gifts, made them dinner, send cards... and I've been well received.
They want us to be at this wedding and they feel like with 5 months head's up, my hubby should be able to arrange school around it.
Also, half-sis and her man are loaded. they wanted to treat us to the resort. It would only cost us in gas money to go.
Basically, my hubby's excuses just look like.... hollow excuses.

Help.

 

[turkle]

I think that your title "Make him go or let him stay" is very telling. The idea of making him do something, or allowing him to do something else is not how a good marriage works. He is an adult who makes his own choices, and treating him like a child will not be edifying.

The best way to work this kind of issue out is instead of fighting, tell him calmly exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. Ask him how he feels and why he feels that way. Then, once you have both calmly expressed yourselves, then the question is "what shall we do?" Making decisions cooperatively is important in building good relationships. Forcing your way is not.

My suggestion is that you revisit the subject when you have cooled off. List the facts, such as the fact that a commitment has already been made to the sister and she is counting on the two of you to come. But still, he needs to make a choice, hopefully with his brain and not his emotions. And when he does make a choice, his sister needs to be notified out of consideration to her.

 

[bluegreysky]

We need to hear from her but she hasn't called us back.
I do feel like if we tell her we can't go, and she is ok with it,
that I could just drop this.
If she however is distraught ... well... I have my ways of getting him to do things
but do I want to bust out the big guns (figuratively speaking) over something like this would be the question.

 

[mkgal1]

I agree with Turkle---that it's not a matter or "making him go or letting him stay"....the two of you need to arrive at a decision that's best for the both of you (and should be at peace about it, and then let his half-sister know your decision as soon as possible).

Family drama can be overwhelming....and it sounds like that's the main issue (his anxiety only adds to that). I'd caution you to re-think your attempts at building a bridge between the family and your husband (that doesn't typically bode well---speaking from experience). Not adding to things is one thing.....but I wouldn't expect to actually change the dynamics that have been in place for years. IMO...what's more important is that your husband has you on "his side".....being understanding and allowing him to enjoy things even if they aren't ideal.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy or condescending.....I really don't want that to be your impression.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Men hate attending weddings. I hate to say it but it's not something we enjoy, even when family is involved. I'm not saying that makes it right but there are few things I dread more than sitting through a long wedding and then hours at an awkward reception.

 

[annafullofgrace]

Your husband comes first and the two of you need to calmly talk about it and make a decision together. I would caution against treating him like a child and trying to force him into doing things to get your way. He's a man; not a child. And should be treated as such. Doing things in Gods order will bring better results. God - spouse - everything else.

 

[Odetta]

While I can see the benefits of him attending the wedding as an opportunity to build/rebuild healthy relationships with family members - which I surmise is why you're thinking it's a good idea for him to go - if he's not wanting to do that, it will backfire on you if you try to force him. Even though you may see going as beneficial, if he doesn't see it that way, it may actually be harmful to relationships to go.

 

[annafullofgrace]

We need to hear from her but she hasn't called us back.
I do feel like if we tell her we can't go, and she is ok with it,
that I could just drop this.
If she however is distraught ... well... I have my ways of getting him to do things
but do I want to bust out the big guns (figuratively speaking) over something like this would be the question.

That sounds incredibly sneaky. You can't have a good marriage built on things like that. I encourage you to pray about this and ask The Lord to guide you.

 

[mkgal1]

When a person comes to a decision based on duress.....that's a far inferior way than two people brainstorming and having both of their needs/opinions actually listened to and considered and coming to a decision *together*.

Under duress......once that pressure lets up....or the person gets angry at the other.....that's all going to cause the decision to change to their *true* decision. Isn't it best to start with the truth instead? Consider what sort of foundation you want your marriage to be built on (because whatever is set in place for one sort of implies it's also going to apply to the other). I don't think anyone wishes to make decisions based on another person "making them" do something/not do something.

 

[WolfGate]

His family. His decision in the end. Best thing you can do is to, between the two of you, share your thoughts with him about why he should go. Then publically support what he decides to do. Be his partner, not his handler or his boss.

I read a bit of an undertone that you're perhaps most concerned with your relationship with his family.

If you find it OK to use "ways of getting him to do things", well, that's a good way to end up with no family in the end - or perhaps just a miserable one.

 

[mina]

I hope that you are joking with your wording of things, b/c otherwise you seem very manipulative. I agree with others here that you need to be his partner, hear him out, support him, and it should be less about you "getting" or "making" him do things and more about you actually respecting his choices (even if you don't agree). You can't control his way of doing things, but you can control your responses to them. For him to rebuild relationships within his own family; he needs to be on board with that for any good to come of it. You can not force him to have a good relationship with his family if he is not ready to do so.

 

[Angeldove97]

His family. His decision in the end. Best thing you can do is to, between the two of you, share your thoughts with him about why he should go. Then publically support what he decides to do. Be his partner, not his handler or his boss.

Totally this!

When it comes to his family - I let hubby decide the route.

When it comes to my family - I expect that hubby will let me decide the route.

 

[bluegreysky]

Yeah I was joking with the wording, I was just really really p'd off last week

 

[Angeldove97]

Yeah I was joking with the wording, I was just really really p'd off last week

But to be honest... even if we don't want to be honest... most of us know how to make our spouses do things they don't really want to.

I get my husband to clean up the house or do chores I don't want to by allowing him to have friends over to play board or video games. I get a clean house, he gets guy time.

We do have a system where we have a husband and a wife card. We can use the card (there is no real card- we just call it that) when we are serious about something - either going some where or doing something. We both respect when the other calls out the card and we'll stop complaining and just do it. And neither of us abuse that system- it comes out maybe once a month or less. But hey it is what works for us

 

[annafullofgrace]

I dunno. I just see nothing positive about getting your spouse to do something by coercion. We are just really honest with each other and say what needs to be said. If company is coming, we both clean, if I want to do something (or vice versa) or buy something or go somewhere-we talk about it and discuss ahead of time. I support him and listen to his ideas/thoughts and he does the same to me.

 

[bluegreysky]

He seems to think he would be more willing to do more things if I tried harder to give him something I'm not giving him enough of..... can you guess?

 

[annafullofgrace]

He seems to think he would be more willing to do more things if I tried harder to give him something I'm not giving him enough of..... can you guess?

It sounds like both of you try to get what you want from the other. Communicating in a healthy way is extremely important. Have you guys talked about that?

 

[mkgal1]

It sounds like both of you try to get what you want from the other. Communicating in a healthy way is extremely important. Have you guys talked about that?

ITA with this. That's what I meant when I posted earlier about using the dynamic of "getting him to/allowing him to".......if that's the "rules of the game" it's going to go in both directions (and I don't believe *anyone* enjoys that). It's then a competition---not a marriage.

 

[WolfGate]

He seems to think he would be more willing to do more things if I tried harder to give him something I'm not giving him enough of..... can you guess?

How hard is it to just give him the TV remote? Geez!!



j/k, of course. FWIW, I agree with mkgal1's last comment. IMHO, as a team the two of you need to figure out how to break this cycle.

 

[annafullofgrace]

ITA with this. That's what I meant when I posted earlier about using the dynamic of "getting him to/allowing him to".......if that's the "rules of the game" it's going to go in both directions (and I don't believe *anyone* enjoys that). It's then a competition---not a marriage.[/QUOTE]

Indeed. Perhaps you should seek pastoral counsel to have a third party who will be neutral. Where do you see your marriage in 10 or 20 years with this current arrangement of see who can one up the other....? If you are not interested in third party help, grab a book on marriage.

Love and Respect, For Men Only, For Women Only, Seasons of Marriage are a few good ones.