Relationships and asexuality

[Shattered-Reflections]

I've been dealing with a lot and was cuddling with a friend. I love cuddling so very much, but then I was worried if the reason I loved it was because it was somehow sexual. After research and talking it out with others, I've come to realize asexuality explained a lot.

It's been a relief. I've spent most of my life trying to convince myself to be okay with sex by telling myself how good, beneficial, and wonderful sex is and thinking "if I just find the right man, I'll want it". But I'm not just asexual, I'm adverse/repulsed by sex and privates. Frankly pregnancy too, and I honestly don't understand why women like infants. I have been this way since I came to know these things, not because of some sexual trauma. I have never told another christian I felt this way, because I knew it wasn't normal. I know I would be lectured, belittled, or worse. I've been living in a sort of hopeful denial, that everything will just "click" if I found a loving and healthy partner. I've finally accepted that might not be the case. I know God accepts me too.

However finding out I'm asexual is also stressful because I want a committed, physically affectionate romantic relationship... but who would willingly accept me other than another asexual. I still have my doubt since I'm a virgin, I still think "what if I just tried it, maybe I'd like it?". Yet experimenting outside of marriage or "trying out marriage" just to divorce because we cannot compromise -- both appear morally wrong. I feel like I'm in an impossibly cruel catch-22

I find myself leaning more and more to experimenting.

Even though celibacy is easy, living in a world that expects committed relationships to be sexual isn't. Knowing that most men actively want sex regularly and denying that in marriage is "morally wrong" isn't easy. Knowing most men would divorce me because I can put out enough, isn't easy. Knowing that no matter what I do, I'll either hurt people, God, or be depressed and miserable by starving myself of affection -- isn't easy.

I just don't know what to do.

 

[Thir7ySev3n]

Based on your description, you are not asexual but afraid of sexual interaction and it's consequences (pregnancy and the consequent child). This sounds like a deep rooted insecurity being burried under a false diagnosis (asexuality) for the purpose of coping with that insecurity. It is just like the scenario of the "introvert". Those who describe themselves as introverted often have a fear of social interaction and the unpleasant consequences if they fail to do so adequately with whatever person or group they are socializing with. What you discover with such people is that their fear of the potentially negative consequences isn't a result of their being "a-social" but of being intimidated by the dynamics of social interaction. They retreat into their private spaces where they aren't required to engage in any such activity and just conclude that they are introverted and altogether non-social in nature. But rather what their fear betrays is not that they are disinterested but so intensely interested that they fear even the slightest unfavourable result in interacting with another person; to them, social failure isn't something that can be brushed off but has severe emotional impact.

You describe yourself as being averted by the thought of being pregnant and don't understand the pleasure that mothers take in children. You say that you are afraid of being exposed to the physical elements of sexual interaction, and even go further to say you were frightened by the idea that you were enjoying cuddling because it appealed to your sexual nature. You indicate that you love cuddling so much, yet were only disturbed by thinking that your motive was even at minimum an entertainment of your sexual needs. This sounds like a person who is intensely frightened about their intrinsic sexual nature, not someone who doesn't have one.

When someone has a fear of hanging out with friends because they say "they might not like me", or "they may make fun of me", that wouldn't rightly translate to a-socialism; it would be an indicator of social fear. You being frightened by the elements and consequences entailed in sexuality is not an indicator of asexuality but rather sexual fear.

I would recommend first dealing with this intense anxiety and distaste you seem to have for whatever reason it exists within you, then worrying about the relational aspects of marriage once this is sorted out so you can be prepared to properly handle yourself, your emotions and your relationship. But whatever you do, do not "experiment" outside of the bounds that God gave us to exclusively enjoy and express our sexual nature in, which is marriage. Sort out your heart and mind problem first and learn to see sexuality as a God-given gift to be enjoyed in it's proper time, and not something to be frightened by.

 

[grandvizier1006]

There is a lot more to a relationship than just sex and sexual attraction. If a man only wants sex from you when you get married then of course the marriage will fall aPart.

Just date normally and don't consider sex--that should really be the last thing on your mind in a relationship. I don't think most people go into a relationship thinking, "how great will the sex be?" Not even men, who supposedly have much higher sex drives.

 

[Razare]

Frankly pregnancy too, and I honestly don't understand why women like infants. I have been this way since I came to know these things, not because of some sexual trauma.

Even without sexual trauma, it's still a stronghold. You can choose not to marry according to scripture, and this is preferable according to God's word... but scripture doesn't support being repulsed by it, so that manner of thinking isn't from God.

Now, perhaps part of the repulsion is society has tried to shove this on you?

For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others--and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it. - Matt 19:12

Paul, did not marry, as an example, but encouraged marriage.

However finding out I'm asexual is also stressful because I want a committed, physically affectionate romantic relationship... but who would willingly accept me other than another asexual.

In my personal revelation of God from scripture, I am very very leery of adopting any term that the world (society & sciences) has adopted as a fad.

I am not saying there is not such a thing as asexual, I am saying if there is such a thing, then most certainly what you have learned about it has been perverted by culture and society. I personally don't bother learning anything that I can't learn by scripture and the Holy Ghost, with direct revelation from God, this includes scientific studies.

Otherwise, you get 3 lies for every half-dead fact that the world comes up with.

An example, I used to prescribe to MBTI personality theory. Then after I became a Christian, I distanced myself from it. I can't actually find any flaw in the ideas according to God's word... but I'm leery and put it at an intellectual distance because it's not God inspired. God made everything, so he can inspire all learning about the world and ourselves, so going to to the world to learn isn't needed really. We can use what they've accumulated, but it should be filtered through the lens of scripture, and the bad discarded.

I still have my doubt since I'm a virgin, I still think "what if I just tried it, maybe I'd like it?". Yet experimenting outside of marriage or "trying out marriage" just to divorce because we cannot compromise -- both appear morally wrong. I feel like I'm in an impossibly cruel catch-22

I think that's a tough one. I would seek God and ask him if you should marry. Not all Christians are supposed to marry.

In fact, if we are a Christian and not married, there are scriptures which imply it is bad to do so... but that may have only pertained to that church, but likewise Paul said if a man / woman can't wait, then to marry.

Clearly, you can wait. And if you have no desire to marry, I do not think it is a good idea to marry unless God directs you that way.

If God doesn't point you toward marriage, either by desire or revelation, then really why would you be getting married?

Now if you are wanting to cuddle, that suggests desire for emotional intimacy.

Knowing that no matter what I do, I'll either hurt people, God, or be depressed and miserable by starving myself of affection -- isn't easy.

If you marry, you can't be dishonest. You have to tell your partner how often you expect to have sex.

If you expect to have it once a month at most, and do not want children, you should tell your partner that.

There probably are a few men out there who would marry you. Some men have a problem downstairs, whether by accident or birth, but they may also want a wife. And such men would be in the same boat as you, unable to have sex, but wanting emotional intamacy.

 

[JAM2b]

There is a growing amount of people who are coming out as asexual because of the increase of acceptance and openness. I don't think it is wrong to be asexual. I also don't think it is wrong to not have sex in a marriage if neither of you are wanting it. I do think it is possible to find someone who is also asexual that you can have a healthy marriage. It might take a while, and some patience, but there are others out there. I suspect that there has always been, it just wasn't open and talked about.

The purpose of the Scripture in the New Testament telling married people to have sex with one another was to keep temptation at a minimum. If you don't want to have sex, then the temptation does not need to be dealt with. As far as filling the earth with offspring, that's been done, and there are more children needing adoption than are families able/willing to adopt. Don't let other Christians push you into fixing something that isn't broken. Sex is not required in life. If you can go through life without struggling with sexual sin, then you are better off than most of every body else.

 

[Shattered-Reflections]

Based on your description, you are not asexual but afraid of sexual interaction and it's consequences
I can openly accept that my problem with sex could be rooted in psychology problems, which is why I'm still open to trying to overcome it -- if it's possible. However I take issue when a stranger tells me, resolutely, that they know exactly what is wrong with me. If you're going to take the time out of your day to reply to stranger, be a little more humble in your diagnosis.

It is just like the scenario of the "introvert".
I know the difference between social anxiety and introversion. Thank you.

You say that you are afraid of being exposed to the physical elements of sexual interaction.
No, I did not say I was afraid of being exposed. I simply DISLIKE it, just like I dislike vinegar, scremo, modern art, or medical shots. I can dislike something, even greatly, without it being fear base. I'm in my 30's, I have been exposed to nudity and sex plenty of times. Whether sexual in nature or nonsexual medical/academia/art/life/etc. I don't have panic attacks or anxiety around sex related things. I study sex related topics and openly talk about sex, as I do with anything else to better understand life.

I might not be afraid of vinegar, that doesn't mean I want it on my fish or gargle it for health reasons. I might not be afraid of screamo, but I won't listen to it for an hour.

and even go further to say you were frightened by the idea that you were enjoying cuddling because it appealed to your sexual nature.
I was concerned because we are both females, which would be problematic. So maybe if I'm frighten by anything it's because I could be gay. So by your diagnosis, I'm a closet lesbian.

I would recommend first dealing with this intense anxiety and distaste you seem to have for whatever reason it exists within you
Thanks. I've been trying to get over my distastes for about 20 years

There is a lot more to a relationship than just sex and sexual attraction. If a man only wants sex from you when you get married then of course the marriage will fall apart.

Just date normally and don't consider sex--that should really be the last thing on your mind in a relationship. I don't think most people go into a relationship thinking, "how great will the sex be?" Not even men, who supposedly have much higher sex drives.

I certainly think there's so much more. I just find so many look forward to sex. I've read countless accounts of how much frustration and strife asexuality or low sex drives cause in marriages, even when the couples are dedicated to each other. Even some saying, that "even though they wouldn't leave now"... if they have known before getting in they'd walk away.

Perhaps so. It's just being in my 30's, marriage is much more on people's mind. They might not be chomping at the bit for sex, but many would want to know what they're up against.

I think that's a tough one. I would seek God and ask him if you should marry. Not all Christians are supposed to marry.
Last I specifically and directly asked, He gave me a sign that would either indicate yes or that at least He was listening. That's all I can say. I may be too bold to assume it was a sign.

Now if you are wanting to cuddle, that suggests desire for emotional intimacy.
As far as I know, that's really the main "attraction" I have is for emotional intimacy. However, finding someone who wants to cuddle and is consistently around is another thing.

There probably are a few men out there who would marry you....
This is true. Thank you for reminding me. It's hard to not get discouraged since the odds are against me. And as I said before I worry that the reverse is true, that given the right circumstances I could discovery I have a sexual appetite.

There is a growing amount of people who are coming out as asexual because of the increase of acceptance and openness. I don't think it is wrong to be asexual. I also don't think it is wrong to not have sex in a marriage if neither of you are wanting it. I do think it is possible to find someone who is also asexual that you can have a healthy marriage. It might take a while, and some patience, but there are others out there. I suspect that there has always been, it just wasn't open and talked about.

The purpose of the Scripture in the New Testament telling married people to have sex with one another was to keep temptation at a minimum. If you don't want to have sex, then the temptation does not need to be dealt with. As far as filling the earth with offspring, that's been done, and there are more children needing adoption than are families able/willing to adopt. Don't let other Christians push you into fixing something that isn't broken. Sex is not required in life. If you can go through life without struggling with sexual sin, then you are better off than most of every body else.

Thank you for that, I really appreciate it

 

[Thir7ySev3n]

I can openly accept that my problem with sex could be rooted in psychology problems, which is why I'm still open to trying to overcome it -- if it's possible. However I take issue when a stranger tells me, resolutely, that they know exactly what is wrong with me. If you're going to take the time out of your day to reply to stranger, be a little more humble in your diagnosis.

The truth is, people are not that complicated. As much as we all love to think we are different in our core natures from one another, we simply are not. Even the ubiquitous desire to feel unique and different is ironically shared. There are significant differences among people but fundamentally we are the same. This is why psychology can exist as a science and why we can read each other's body language and physical and verbal mannerisms to accurately apprehend the same information. No one smiles with a frown and no one punches to extend affection; no one speaks with intense agitation to express jubilance, and no one becomes anxious because they are confident. This is also precisely why people learn to lie or feign expressions or verbal cues, because they know that their true intent or sentiment will be exposed and obvious if they do not.

So unless you are lying, I see no reason why you should expect yourself to be exclusively harder to understand with the information you have provided; and if you have withheld significant information necessary to helping you understand your case, that is not the responsibility of the respondent to fill in the blanks for your attempt to find meaningful answers. By the way, you not appreciating mine does not affect it's quality, only your personal perception and sentiment towards it.

I know the difference between social anxiety and introversion. Thank you.

It is interesting you would infer that my providing this example was to presume your ignorance of the concept when the use of an example is precisely based on the assumption that the reader/hearer will understand it so as to be able to draw a parallel. Though I assume this is more an expression of agitation for whatever reason than an actual inference on your part.

No, I did not say I was afraid of being exposed. I simply DISLIKE it, just like I dislike vinegar, scremo, modern art, or medical shots. I can dislike something, even greatly, without it being fear base. I'm in my 30's, I have been exposed to nudity and sex plenty of times. Whether sexual in nature or nonsexual medical/academia/art/life/etc. I don't have panic attacks or anxiety around sex related things. I study sex related topics and openly talk about sex, as I do with anything else to better understand life.

I was using fear as a synonym for your choice of word "repulsed". Repulsion is a kind of fear, and there is more than one kind. This is why we can be told to cast off fear (which has to do with punishment, 1 John 4:18), yet simultaneously to fear the LORD (which is to hate [be repulsed by] evil, Proverbs 8:13). There is a kind of fear which is not of intimidation but rather the desire to circumvent or avoid a thing. In this sense, this is exactly what you described.

Thanks. I've been trying to get over my distastes for about 20 years

It starts and ends with changing your perspective, which is an intentional effort. Learn to see things as they truly are and recognize that your feelings do not reflect the reality of the situation. "Learn" is a bit of a strong word because it is not as though the truth requires one to progressively accept it if they take God at His Word, but rather that our emotions can anchor this transition and so need to be overcome. If you accept God's decree that sex in the right context is holy and to be received with joy and thanksgiving, then the only way to overcome this issue is to circumvent your current emotional state by subjecting your emotions to your reason. There is a ten step process and a one step process, but both have the same conclusion: Accepting the truth and just doing it.