Hello,
I joined this forum specifically for this discussion and was directed to this sub-forum by a greeter in my introduction thread. I saved my real introduction until now, however, because it is important in understanding my question.
My name is Andrew. My name, and those of my siblings, were chosen from the Bible. I was born into a Baptist family and spent my youth, until about age 13, in church. I am now 46, have been married to my only partner (my wife) for well over 20 years, and have 6 children. Due to several strokes, I am now a retired IT developer.
When I was 5, I was kidnapped from my own yard by 2 men, who raped me, then tied me up and left me to die in an abandoned tree-house. Later, my father's search party found me.
The strange thing is, none of it really bothered me at the time, except for being scared, tied up, and told my parents had moved away. The rest was just like, uh what?
In any regard, I gave my life to Christ at 12 and was duly Baptized. Soon after, my troubles began. At 13, I realized something about myself that I cannot deny. I am bisexual, by traditional standards. But that isn't exactly true. I hate that label, as I have no actual sexual desire for males. I just had a vast capacity for love. In any case, the person I married was female, so no foul.
The reason I bring it up is because during my teen years, I dated various people off and on. In those days, the 80's, tolerance was a lot worse than it is now. A lot. I was bullied and tormented, gave it to depression, and eventually started self-harm. I had given up on my religion by the age of 18, when the real world hit me like a ton of bricks.
I managed as best I could, but I felt ugly and horrible. My sights were set low and married the first person to actually pay me any attention. Now, I love her dearly, but the vast majority of the time, we do not see eye to eye on things.
When the events of 9-11 hit, I lost my job as a programmer. Since I was not college trained, I was not able to find anything until several years later, when I went to work as an electrician for my step-father. Nobody wanted to hire me because I was a flight-risk or over-qualified. The IT firms wouldn't hire me due to being out of work too long.
We lost one of our children, six hours after birth to defects. That was about 14 years ago, and the last time I ever cried. I haven't shed a tear since.
About 6 years ago, I had a massive stroke. I turned once more to God for sparing my life. But this did not last long.
Now, my wife earns the pay, makes the rules, disciplines the kids, mows the lawn and other things. All I do is clean a little and was dishes. I get very little respect.
In the time since, I have spent much time looking at alternatives, including new age things, and alternate explanations for the universe, science and everything else.
While I encountered a lot of things that made sense along the way, including some that revolve around God, or Creator, such as Walter Russell's works, I found something out about myself.
With every new thing I discovered, and gave me temporary relief, the amount of time between discovery and the feelings I got from them, faded faster and faster.
So I went back and did the same kind of research on my old religion of Christianity and found the same thing had happened. I now have too much other knowledge about the world around me, and in history, to enjoy a faith again.
Now, I find that I cannot bring myself to have faith in anything at all.
I feel so empty and alone. I feel like my life has no point at all. I might consider suicide, but to be completely honest, I can't because I still harbor hope, that somewhere out there is a way for me to regain faith, even if it isn't in Christianity. Besides, I am not strong enough to take my own life.
Some people are strong enough to make it through life with nothing and nobody by their side. I am not such a person. I need faith, but am unable to give it.
Help.