Pretty sure my marriage is coming to a close

[NotworthyofHim]

So, here's the thing. Last night just opened this up. Because I have backslidden, I have been a mess. I have a few sins that I am especially venerable too, one is lust and the other is lying. Those were my two biggest falls. I love my wife, I love her so much but I have a problem I couldn't kick until I came to Jesus, my wonderful Shepard, Lord, and Savior. So last night, I told a lie. I thought maybe it was to spare her feelings. To me she's beautiful, but because she's got some self esteem issues I am always very careful to tell her she's always beautiful, etc. So last night, I told a lie thinking that if I didn't say this she's going to feel not beautiful. I don't even know why I said it, old habit I guess. Sorry I'm not going to say it, it's personal and I feel inappropriate to talk about along my brothers and sisters in Christ. Anyway, it ate me up so I told her the truth because I didn't wanna lie, I know God doesn't approve of this. So after I had hurt her so badly, I had betrayed her trust. We decided since we got in it was going to be an open relationship with no secrets, but I had an addiction and I couldn't kick it without the help of Jesus. So she asked if there was anything else I was lying about, I said just that... Another lie.. So I repented, and am going to tell her the truth about everything, because it would please God and He hates lying. I just know my marriage is going to end.. But I had, like a lot of men, a P&#N addiction. Again I love my wife very much but I had this, and then I was seeing someone shortly before we got into an official relationship, but we're still seeing eachother. I have also, to my total and complete shame, have posted on Craigslist. Now nothing has come of this because I never went to meet anyone. But I still emailed, I enjoyed the dirty talk and thoughts. Stuff I was afraid to ask of my wife. So I have, in other words, cheated on her, and i feel like I'm so low right now. Now God forgives us but we still have consequences to our actions. I know this, and I'm dreading this. The thing is though, I wanna hide this not to save my own skin per sei, but because I don't want to hurt her, or see her cry. I would deserve this, I really would. She though, she doesn't deserve this, she's so much better than this. I really do feel worse for her than I do myself, because I have brought this on myself. But I must get things right, tell her everything and then fall on God's mercy for this awful wickedness I have done. Feeling so low right now. I have repented for everything last night including the lie but i feel to fix this I should come clean. Please pray for me and my marriage brothers and sisters, as this is going to be very hard for me. It is what I deserve no doubt, but I don't care about me I care about how she's gonna feel. It's gonna hurt me seeing her hurt more so than me doing this. I really hope she doesn't try to harm herself or anything. Just when we started going to church together too. I feel awful for what I've done, but even worse for what I've done to her. Anyone else ever been here?

 

[kidwboro]

I'll pray that your wife will be able to handle the news; and that you and her can talk freely with one another, and grow together in Christ. There's always hope.
With God, all things are possible. He is rich in mercy.

 

[miamited]

Hi notworthyofhim,

Why does it bother you so much about lying to your wife, but lying to God doesn't seem to be an issue. If you took the standard marriage vows you promised before God to forsake all others. You are not. So, my encouragement, concern yourself more about lying to God than your wife.

Secondly, if I read this right, you're saying you lied to you wife about telling her that she was beautiful. Well, when we say that someone is beautiful we don't have to be talking about their outward appearance. God calls a woman beautiful who has a soft and endearing spirit. So, if your wife is a 'good' woman, then you could freely call her beautiful and be speaking of her 'spirit'.

I've been in the 'other lover' trap before about 20 years ago, and it really isn't worth it and it's God that I lied to that concerned me more than lying to my wife. Remember also that God hates divorce, so are you really more willing to do what God hates than to do what you have promised to Him?

God bless you.
In Christ, Ted

 

[razzelflabben]

None of us can predict how your wife will react or what the outcome will be, that being said, two things come to my mind. 1. no matter how many people I talk to who have been hurt by a spouse, the one thing that comes up time and time and time again is the plea to just be honest with "me". Sure it will hurt but telling me at least tells me you trust me with the depths of your being. I remember my own husbands battle with inappropriate content and the one thing that brought us through (obviously was God but one truth of God's over all others) was truthfulness, the painfully honest kind of truth that we usually try to avoid because we don't want to hurt the other person....truth be told, lies hurt more than truth, no matter how bad it is.

2. Others have found healing from things like this, you can to in the power of the living God and you can in that power of God, end up with a healthier marriage than you started out with. It will mean yielding to HIm, confession, repentance, accountability to one another. It will require you to learn to be the husband that God wants you to be and your wife learning to be the wife He wants her to be. It will be a long and difficult road, filled with temptations, struggles, tears, moments when you want to quit, but in the end, if you both endure, God promises peace, joy, and Love.

May you find the peace, joy and Love that God promises as you strive to obey His commands even when they seem like the worst thing in the world to do.

 

[mkladder90]

I'll pray that your wife will be able to handle the news; and that you and her can talk freely with one another, and grow together in Christ. There's always hope.
With God, all things are possible. He is rich in mercy.

Couldnt have said it better

 

[dayhiker]

I don't think its healthy to dump on your wife out of the guilt you are feeling.
So I recommend that you tell a mature man/pastor in your church this and confess it to God there. Your wife needs you to be very gentle with her and dumping on her because of your guilt isn't being gentle.

Continue to love your life, learn about intimacy, its not sex and intimate touch isn't sex. Have intimate touch and touch so that she really knows how much you love her. Then your marriage wouldn't end but get better and better.

 

[razzelflabben]

Just wanted to add that in God's model for marriage, painfully honest communication is important and when we think about it, it makes logical sense. You see, no one in the world has as vested an interest in your living a pure, undefiled life than your spouse does. That makes your spouse the single best choice for accountability there can be. In fact, your righteousness directly affects your spouses righteousness and vise versa. It's really a very beautiful thing and has it's roots in how the Christ loves the Church. (Eph. 5...husbands love your wife as Christ loved the Church) Just thought I should clarify my previous post a bit. For a wonderful study on marriage God's way, lay Isaiah 53 (how Christ loved the Church) over Proverbs 31 (the wife of noble character) it's really mind blowing how far removed we are from the marriages God wants us to have.

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Honestly she's processing it right now.. I told her yesterday. Yes I do care about lying to God, which is the only and I do mean only reason I told her. This was the single hardest thing I've ever done my whole life.. I'm praying I can keep my marriage even though I don't deserve it. I really need a change in my life, hence God. I'm also going to going to therapy for my anxiety which has ruined and controlled my life for 30 years. The reason I was so susceptible to lying is because of my anxiety. I would have a new personality and ideas for everyone I was around. I would conform to whatever because I was terrified of standing out. I'm terrified of also having a deep relationship. Terrified.. I purposely put everyone at a distance.. Anyway I'm getting help for this mess of a life I had. I'm still not sure if I should have told her everything but maybe it's for the best.. I have never been so scared in all of my life. And no my wife is beautiful, that's not what I meant, sorry kind of a bad example.. It's something else, hard to explain. But I mean what about things like when your wife asks am I fat and she is? Or do I look big in these jeans? Things like that. The law was written as thou shalt not bear false witness. When Jesus came He kind of changed things. He said things like, instead of do not murder you shall have no unresolved anger or conflict. The laws He said can be summed up like this, love one another. Obviously you love your wife and if she's fat do you really want to tell her? It would crush her, and you know this. So I ask what would you do?

 

[razzelflabben]

Honestly she's processing it right now.. I told her yesterday. Yes I do care about lying to God, which is the only and I do mean only reason I told her. This was the single hardest thing I've ever done my whole life.. I'm praying I can keep my marriage even though I don't deserve it. I really need a change in my life, hence God. I'm also going to going to therapy for my anxiety which has ruined and controlled my life for 30 years. The reason I was so susceptible to lying is because of my anxiety. I would have a new personality and ideas for everyone I was around. I would conform to whatever because I was terrified of standing out. I'm terrified of also having a deep relationship. Terrified.. I purposely put everyone at a distance.. Anyway I'm getting help for this mess of a life I had. I'm still not sure if I should have told her everything but maybe it's for the best.. I have never been so scared in all of my life. And no my wife is beautiful, that's not what I meant, sorry kind of a bad example.. It's something else, hard to explain. But I mean what about things like when your wife asks am I fat and she is? Or do I look big in these jeans? Things like that. The law was written as thou shalt not bear false witness. When Jesus came He kind of changed things. He said things like, instead of do not murder you shall have no unresolved anger or conflict. The laws He said can be summed up like this, love one another. Obviously you love your wife and if she's fat do you really want to tell her? It would crush her, and you know this. So I ask what would you do?

Personally, I struggle with weight, the worst part is that I eat very little, as in starvation number of calaries and still I am obese. My husband knows my struggle with this and he is always telling me things like...yes your fat, but I still find your sexy hot...or only those who aren't pencil thin have a real figure....it's a combination of acknowledging what is truth, and encouraging me with the truth. In fact, he and my daughter are both constantly encouraging me to eat so that the lies of the world do not have an adverse affect on my health.

I guess what I am suggesting is that throughout scripture, God reprimanded and encouraged all at the same time, we can do it that way too. A great example of this is the 7 churches in Rev. if you want some biblical search to this. As in...you X but I also need you to Y. this is speaking the truth all the while encouraging with the truth as well. Just a thought for what it's worth....works for us and have seen it work for others as well.

 

[NotworthyofHim]

I don't want to say my wife is fat that would crush her.. I mean to me she's really not that big. She's always asking to feel better am I fat? Or she'll do the I'm so fat, tell me I'm not thing lol truthfully I love my wife so much, but telling her she's fat?? What about if I said something like you know what I love the way you look, if you want to lose weight as a personal goal you can but I love the way you look. I think you're beautiful, and she is. She is the most beautiful person in the world to me. Please pray for my marriage please.

 

[NotworthyofHim]

I just tell her I love your figure but if you want to lose some weight to feel better go ahead. But I love the way you look.. Will that work? Is not lying

 

[Gnarwhal]

Notworthyofhim,

I've been in your shoes to a certain extent. Last year my marriage ended, it didn't have anything to do with infidelity or dishonesty, but it ended nonetheless. My ex-wife is gorgeous, absolutely stunning, but she was still very insecure which can become a difficult burden for a husband because even when he's being honest about his wife's beauty, she still may not believe him which hurts the husband. It's a vicious cycle.

Anyway, I would say that unless you personally want the marriage to end - then don't accept that it's over. It's not over until someone says it's over and actually files for divorce. Has your wife done that?

If you genuinely want to remain married to her, and she hasn't tried to end it yet, then your marriage is still alive, albeit perhaps wounded.

The best and only advice I can give is seek therapy, both for yourself individually and as a couple. I did and even though my marriage still ended the therapy was worth every second and every penny. Don't let cost or pride be an issue here, there is always a way to get help. Counselors can equip you with tools to rebuild things, they can give you fresh perspective on situations and help get to the root causes of the issues in question.

So consider doing that, both personal and marriage counseling. It would be well worth it.

Best of luck.