Preparing Christian kid for secular college

[WolfGate]

This probably would best go in parenting, but nobody is over there...

Our daughter is starting her junior year of high school, so she'll be headed off to college in 2 years. She attends a Christian school now which is reasonable size, about 75 kids in each grade. She will swim in college, so the whole selection process is already starting. She has done a great job of compiling a list of colleges that fit her desired 4 state area, have the majors she is interested in, are academically strong enough, and which have swimming times that fit with where she expects to be able to contribute. That gives her a list of 21 schools. Most of them are secular, and the few Christian colleges are among the most expensive of the group. Swimming fit will be a major priority for her anyway, so whether a school is Christian or not is a factor pretty far down the priority list. So, I realize it is likely she will end up at a secular college.

I am wondering if others can offer tips we may not have thought of to prepare her to move from a Christian high school to a secular college. She has not been particularly sheltered - most of her non school time is spent with her year round swim team or working, which means many of her friends are not from the Christian "bubble". She is mature and we have never been helicopter parents. She recently flew alone from a swim meet in Indianapolis to Vancouver to join the rest of us for a vacation (we live in North Carolina). So we're not stressed about her having been sheltered and suddenly getting thrown out into the world. We know college teaching will challenge some of the teachings from church and high school, and that is OK. What I am curious about is if there are any things that might not be intuitively obvious that some of you could share that would help us prepare her.

 

[Johnnz]

She will find challenges there. Access to good resources would be highly beneficial, either on line or books. Today there are many fine Christian scholars whose expertise is available for anyone wanting an intelligent, life related biblical faith.

John
NZ

 

[LinkH]

That's a great question. I've got three girls, but they aren't that old yet. But I've got some ideas. I'd like to read other people's ideas, too.

One thing I'm doing I teaching the children the word of God. I also address some other ideas contrary to it, exposing the kids to these ideas. I think it helps kids to be exposed to the thinking of atheists, for example, and to have responses for this sort of thinking. I watched "God's Not Dead" with my children, and we discussed some aspects of it.

My children also know not to have sex outside of marriage. I've talked to them some about drugs and drinking, and they know not to deny their faith. These are all topics we address during our family devotions when we read scripture. Even movies can provide opportunities for teaching. Either stop the movie or wait until it is over and discuss whether the character's actions were right.

I've talked some with the children about the characteristics to look for in a spouse, but they aren't all that interested yet. So I plan on doing that more as they grow up.

It would be good if there were a Christian family willing to 'adopt' her and have her over or dinner once a week, for example if you had some friends of yours who'd settled near her school. Visiting campus the Spring semester prior and having her meet some people from a campus ministry that she could network with before she goes there could be good or her, too.

 

[sdmsanjose]

I am wondering if others can offer tips we may not have thought of to prepare her to move from a Christian high school to a secular college.

My granddaughter went from Christian School from grades 1-8 then to secular high school. Here are what tips that I have:

Tell your daughter often that the Christian faith sometimes requires holding on to the scriptures even when the scriptures seem to be contrary to logic. There is no logic in believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated the Virgin Mary and no logic in believing that Jesus was raised from the grave in three days. That is pure faith that does not seem logical!

Secular college is great for logic and science but there will come a time when you will have to choose between logic and science and faith. It can get very challenging but your child being trained in the scriptures is a very good advantage.

 

[WolfGate]

It would be good if there were a Christian family willing to 'adopt' her and have her over or dinner once a week, for example if you had some friends of yours who'd settled near her school. Visiting campus the Spring semester prior and having her meet some people from a campus ministry that she could network with before she goes there could be good or her, too.

That is a great idea. I had not thought about finding a family to reach out to her as soon as she gets to campus. Perhaps even a family from a good church near wherever she goes to college. Would take a little reaching out and networking on our part, but if it worked that could be a good mentoring relationship while away from home. She will take visits to schools her senior year, so making sure she meets campus ministry groups would be a good thing to assure is in the itinerary.

 

[WolfGate]

My granddaughter went from Christian School from grades 1-8 then to secular high school. Here are what tips that I have:

Tell your daughter often that the Christian faith sometimes requires holding on to the scriptures even when the scriptures seem to be contrary to logic. There is no logic in believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated the Virgin Mary and no logic in believing that Jesus was raised from the grave in three days. That is pure faith that does not seem logical!

Secular college is great for logic and science but there will come a time when you will have to choose between logic and science and faith. It can get very challenging but your child being trained in the scriptures is a very good advantage.

Greatly appreciate the experience there - lots of parallels to what she'll be dealing with.

 

[KwanLove]

One of the biggest struggles of college is staying focused on one's athletic and academic goals. It suddenly becomes a lot harder to focus on those goals without your parents around to push you. While everyone here has addressed the religious concerns very well, make sure your daughter understands that the college environment can be very distracting and encourage her to stay focused on what she is really there to do. Going to college will be a wonderful growing experience for her in making the right choices, and when she makes the wrong ones (which we all do), she will learn from them.

 

[WolfGate]

One of the biggest struggles of college is staying focused on one's athletic and academic goals. It suddenly becomes a lot harder to focus on those goals without your parents around to push you. While everyone here has addressed the religious concerns very well, make sure your daughter understands that the college environment can be very distracting and encourage her to stay focused on what she is really there to do. Going to college will be a wonderful growing experience for her in making the right choices, and when she makes the wrong ones (which we all do), she will learn from them.

KwanLove - that is a great point, thank you, and something I had not thought about before. I do see wisdom in that thought - the fact that she is very focused now doesn't mean that will naturally happen when her whole environment changes. Her goal of swimming in college has given her focus and motivation for academics and practice, but when she gets to college not only will be not be here but that goal will have been met. So she'll need another process for staying focused. I would hope the swim team and coach would provide some oversight and peer modeling, but it would be naïve to count on that! And very true about choices and learning - part of growing up.

 

[faroukfarouk]

KwanLove - that is a great point, thank you, and something I had not thought about before. I do see wisdom in that thought - the fact that she is very focused now doesn't mean that will naturally happen when her whole environment changes. Her goal of swimming in college has given her focus and motivation for academics and practice, but when she gets to college not only will be not be there but that goal will have been met. So she'll need another process for staying focused. I would hope the swim team and coach would provide some oversight and peer modeling, but it would be naïve to count on that! And very true about choices and learning - part of growing up.

WolfGate:

Hi there; another thing would be to treat her as an adult from now on. I'm sure you think you do! but with all sorts of things she will want to develop her individual tastes, and some of them might not be yours. So if she comes back from a semester at college with radically different hair dyed in an unexpected shade: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices". If she visits from college and tells you she voted for a different national candidate from the one you prefer: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices". If she visits from college and has acquired a few extra ear studs: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices". If she visits from college and seems to have changed her views about something significant: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices". If she visits from college and says she has been checking out a tattoo parlor: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices".

By college time, the adult that was dormant in recent years has now emerged and it's good always to remember this, while always being there to offer guidance if she asks.

Above all: prayer, prayer, prayer! Young people need the invisible wall of fire to surround them.

(2c.......)

 

[Dave-W]

Do research on those colleges for what churches are available close to campus. I almost fell away from lack of fellowship my freshman year, until I got into a congregation that preached the word. I cannot stress too much how important that is.

 

[1watchman]

Helping a youngster going to college is probably best prepared by remembering Scripture. One verse that often might come to mind is 2 Cor. 10:5. That may help with any teaching contrary to biblical truth. Communion with the Lord Jesus in all activities and interpersonal relations will keep one on course to honor God. One who walks and talks with the Lord Jesus will be "kept by the power of God", as He says. One should not be trying to conform to others, but be pleasant always.

 

[HannahT]

WolfGate:

Hi there; another thing would be to treat her as an adult from now on. I'm sure you think you do! but with all sorts of things she will want to develop her individual tastes, and some of them might not be yours. So if she comes back from a semester at college with radically different hair dyed in an unexpected shade: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices". If she visits from college and tells you she voted for a different national candidate from the one you prefer: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices". If she visits from college and has acquired a few extra ear studs: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices". If she visits from college and seems to have changed her views about something significant: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices". If she visits from college and says she has been checking out a tattoo parlor: "she's an adult; she now makes her own choices".

By college time, the adult that was dormant in recent years has now emerged and it's good always to remember this, while always being there to offer guidance if she asks.

Above all: prayer, prayer, prayer! Young people need the invisible wall of fire to surround them.

(2c.......)

Sigh...yes letting go is the hardest part. You have to remember you have given her the tools with her upbringing. Allowing them to own adulthood is something we all must do.

My mother worked at a college in her later years, and one thing she mentioned again and again and again? Normally, the first semester is the hardest. Its not because they miss home, etc. Its because this is the first time they can truly be independent, and be on their own in a real sense - at least to them. She told me the grades always suffered in the first semester, and the last semester of college. It was almost like a regular thing. That's when the parents lesson of 'balance' that they complain about all the time now comes into reality for them. lol they finally start to get it when that look at that first report card! It doesn't have to be d's and e's either - just less than what they are used too.

Tell her to try to get a job on campus for some pocket money, because staff there are more forgiving when it comes to events, exams, projects and extra homework. She won't have to drive to a job either. I worked in the advising office, and my brother worked maintenance and landscaping. Our bosses were just as excited about upcoming stuff as we were, and reminded us if we needed extra study time? Take IT!

Sit back and brace yourself...lol they will make choices like above that you never DREAMED they would! It's their life now, and just keep in mind...you did GOOD! Now let them.....

 

[faroukfarouk]

Sigh...yes letting go is the hardest part. ...

Sit back and brace yourself...lol they will make choices like above that you never DREAMED they would! It's their life now, and just keep in mind...you did GOOD! Now let them.....

(Emphasized part, above)

HannahT:

Well, exactly!!

 

[Autumnleaf]

My wife doesn't like me for this. I challenge my children's beliefs while having the answers to my needles and barbs close at hand. If the can learn to defend their beliefs to me, then when the same arguments come up in college with tired tenured professors my children will/and do pick them apart in front of the class.

 

[LinkH]

My wife doesn't like me for this. I challenge my children's beliefs while having the answers to my needles and barbs close at hand. If the can learn to defend their beliefs to me, then when the same arguments come up in college with tired tenured professors my children will/and do pick them apart in front of the class.

Can you post an example of how one of these conversations goes? Is it like a Socratic dialogue?

I expose my children to verses about slaughtering Canaanite villages including the children so it won't have any shock value to them if anyone brings it up later, and to help them gain a fuller picture of God. We've gone through Exodus together and are nearly through with Deuteronomy.

 

[HannahT]

My wife doesn't like me for this. I challenge my children's beliefs while having the answers to my needles and barbs close at hand. If the can learn to defend their beliefs to me, then when the same arguments come up in college with tired tenured professors my children will/and do pick them apart in front of the class.

My H does this to a point as well. It's called debate! He plays the opposite side, and they need to defend their's.

He and I also remind them that certain college professors? You have to play their game, or they will fail you because they see it as a threat to their authority, etc.. Other college professors - they enjoy the debate and realize its healthy.

I had a theology professor that got very upset if you questioned anything he said, believed, and it could be very innocent (like asking for clarification)...and he had the HOW dare YOU attitude. I caught on to it at the very beginning when some boys asked questions. Sadly, you have to answer their questions how they want you too - or you are marked down or failed.

On the other hand, I had a sociology professor that enjoyed the debate of different thoughts. lol it was a good thing in his class because he was monotone, and could put you to sleep pretty easy. Nice man, and good teacher though. I really enjoyed his interim class on Religion (or faith I can't remember): The Sociological prospective. We looked into all kinds of faith backgrounds - even the strange ones - and we learned alot!

Both professors were heads of their departments. I remember transferring some theology classes over from another college, and I took them because they were required and was told they were accepted as transfer courses. He refused to take them despite the paperwork he put together, and so I had to take some more with him. It was a drag, because I really looked forward to those classes - and he had an ego trip going. Mother just reminded (she worked there, and she knew his reputation) me to do what I needed to do, and I could move on to other courses that he didn't teach. Those teachers were more open to debate and discussion.

It's kind of like the real world. Sometimes you have bosses that don't like input from employees, and like to control everything. Then you have those that do. I remember working for a firm that had a CS manager, and that woman had a temper! WOW! She was excellent at what she did, but I felt sorry for the people that worked for her. You paid the price if you got on her bad side. Thankfully, she wasn't in control of my world at work. I told her once than once to leave my office, because I wasn't going to put up with her Temper. She didn't like that one little bit, and went over my head. My boss told her to deal with it. I thought she was going to blow a gasket!

 

[Avniel]

Me and my friend were talking about it. The kids that went to the Christians schools did have a time adjusting socially for some reason not the catholic school kids. The best thing to tell her "make sure you understand people, a culture, a idea or how a group of people think before responding. Watch people before you interact to a degree." I'm not saying she will but there were a couple of kids that would say something socially awkward but that's more due to shelter.

On second thought maybe catholic schools traditionally don't always have Catholics so it's different

 

[WolfGate]

Avniel - I think that's probably due to being sheltered, as you said, and that would be very school dependent. What do they see as more important - if it's to protect kids and keep them in a "bubble", then yes, that would be a concern. Christian schools that are more focused on being a light to the world yet preparing their kids for when they enter college or the work force, not so much. I've seen both types. I do feel comfortable our kids have not been sheltered and are socially adept, but for others reading this thread your point may be very needed by them.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Some schools have very strict dress codes. Whether this is good or more debatable is something that will be talked about. The young adult needs to be able to make choices sensibly after leaving school, of course.

 

[LinkH]

On the other hand, I had a sociology professor that enjoyed the debate of different thoughts. lol it was a good thing in his class because he was monotone, and could put you to sleep pretty easy. Nice man, and good teacher though. I really enjoyed his interim class on Religion (or faith I can't remember): The Sociological prospective. We looked into all kinds of faith backgrounds - even the strange ones - and we learned alot!

I had a professor for intro to sociology like that. He looked a bit like Einstein, though not that much like him in the face. He had that crazy kind of hair and white hair. He said he just took his clothes out of the pile of laundry in the morning without ironing them. His lectures had little to do with the exams. He told us to study the book for that. Mainly he'd tell stories about working on the Apollo space program and other things like that, and try to get us to debate. He'd say stuff about religion to get people riled up to discuss or debate it with him.

He also said there was a crime everyone in the class had committed, shoplifting. The first time he said it, I didn't say anything. The second time, my self and another classmate (who won first runner up for Miss Georgia either that year or the next) said, "I haven't." Maybe the other 90 or so students had shoplifted, because they didn't object.