Pre-Marital Counseling

[JojotheBeloved]

1. Did you and your spouse participate in pre-marital counseling?
2. Do you and/or your spouse consider that counseling to have been helpful in your marriage relationship?


There is no wrong answer. Just wondering what people's experiences have been.

 

[All4Christ]

Yes we did, and I definitely think it was helpful. I also know that the areas we struggle with are exactly the areas identified during the premarital counseling as issues we should work out (for us, long long commute times, location, etc.).

Many things we discussed have come up in our marriage (how to deal with family, arguments, etc.) and I have benefited from what we learned.

 

[WolfGate]

We did, sort of. It was handled by the pastor who performed our ceremony. It was a single session and as I recall at the time I thought it was little more than a formality. All I remember is him telling us we should wait until marriage to have sex - which I thought was rather late in the game, you know what I mean. If a couple's been dating for a while and engaged and now weeks from marriage, they probably have either done it or are committed to waiting.

So I don't recall it being helpful, though I also acknowledge that was over 25 years ago and I was not Christian being counseled by a Pastor so may not have given him a lot of credit. FWIW, our marriage is still strong.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

1. Did you and your spouse participate in pre-marital counseling?

Yes, it was a requirement because she is Catholic.

2. Do you and/or your spouse consider that counseling to have been helpful in your marriage relationship?

I don't but she probably does. The topics covered are things that I believe I learned from observing my parents' ongoing nearly 40 year marriage. I view other topics covered as just innate to a couple that would even seriously consider marriage.

And of course I disagree with a few points (such as "love is a daily decision"). That plus I'm not very receptive to being told how to do something I feel I'm doing just fine at or counseling in general.

There is no wrong answer. Just wondering what people's experiences have been.

if your church doesn't require it then just have a few Frank conversations with each other about life's possibilities. Also talk with a few couples whom have been married for decades and also those who are divorced. Come to your own conclusions rather than just subscribing to other's.

 

[Shane R]

1. Did you and your spouse participate in pre-marital counseling?
2. Do you and/or your spouse consider that counseling to have been helpful in your marriage relationship?


There is no wrong answer. Just wondering what people's experiences have been.

Before my first marriage, we attended four sessions with the officiant. Later, when we were having problems, my ex-wife told me she had discarded or disregarded the things she did not like - especially his comments on women submitting to their husbands. We did personality profiles but it was no Myers-Briggs type of system; I was labeled a beaver and her an otter. In summation, we did not have the same attitude towards the sessions and ultimately whatever use could have been gleaned was largely not because this difference in motivation persisted throughout our short marriage.

Before my second marriage, the officiant sat down with us for about an hour and a half. We had a good if somewhat brief discussion. He proved to be more astute than the first fellow and highlighted two or three issues he thought we should remember and discuss amongst ourselves. I think the big difference this time around has been that we have a common attitude.

So, the big take-aways that I offer to you are: search for an experienced counselor and really consider whether you and your spouse have the same attitude and mindset to counseling and, more importantly, marriage.

 

[Matthias Rose]

Before my first marriage I had a similar pastoral experience that was largely a formality, and not helpful.

I can imagine pre-marital counseling being helpful - just as post-marital counseling is helpful. But I would seek out -- as early as possible -- someone who is actually trained in and experienced with counseling couples. (Some pastors may be trained, and some may be skilled, and some may be insightful, but from what I've heard that's the exception, not the norm. Especially with regard to Catholic priests -- of all people to be offering marital advice!!)

 

[All4Christ]

When using church marriage counseling, I think it may help when your pastor or priest closely knows the couple. My priest (Orthodox, so he is married) has known my husband since they were kids and has been my spiritual mentor since I started going to my parish. He knows our personalities and knows the types of things that we will likely encounter. We had a mandatory four sessions, and I found them to be worth every minute. Much of what he discussed was something he experienced as well in his marriage, so perhaps that helps as well.

 

[Odetta]

Ours was done by the pastoral counsellor, not the actual officiant. It was rudimentary. "Do you agree about having/not having children?" "Do you understand what 'covenant relationship' means?" "Have you talked about money?" No real depth. I always thought it was kind of a first responder thing, looking for huge red flags and not much else. Post marital counseling, when we needed it, was much more helpful.

 

[Ana the Ist]

1. Did you and your spouse participate in pre-marital counseling?
2. Do you and/or your spouse consider that counseling to have been helpful in your marriage relationship?


There is no wrong answer. Just wondering what people's experiences have been.

Nope...I'm an atheist and she wasn't deeply religious at the time. Neither of us considered it really...what for? We were and are deeply in love with each other, we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and we knew we'd do anything to make that happen.

We're on year seven now and I don't think we've had more than three fights/arguments the entire time. I'm not just talking about big fights either...I'm talking about all fights/arguments. I'm willing to accept it's possible I've forgotten one and we've really had 4 and I just don't remember one...but I honestly think it's three. We're so happy and in- love with each other that if you put hidden cameras in our home...we'd probably make people sick lol. That or they'd think we were faking. I feel like the luckiest man alive.

This officially ends my bragging for the night. Thanks for reading.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

We didn't per say really. More of a chat session for 20 minutes with a pastor about knowing what marriage means. Though there are some issues I think couples need to have addressed before marriage because once married you will find things that the other person doesn't understand. Whether its sex drives, cleaning the house or what to watch on tv.

 

[Dave-W]

no. No one ever heard of such a thing in the middle 1970s; at least not where we lived.

And I believe we would have benefited GREATLY, especially if it had went into the whole sexual realm. (she had severe abuse issues) We were just told "don't even talk about sex or we [the church leadership] will cancel your engagement."

Probably one of us would have been kicked out of the church and not allowed to even talk to the other. It happened a few times.

 

[jsimms615]

We did. The pastor knew my wife, but had not met me previously, so it was good to have a chance to talk with him before the ceremony.

 

[Dave-W]

We did. The pastor knew my wife, but had not met me previously, so it was good to have a chance to talk with him before the ceremony.

So I take it you did not have an indepth course of counseling? (lectures, readings, homework, questionairs, etc?)

 

[jsimms615]

So I take it you did not have an indepth course of counseling? (lectures, readings, homework, questionairs, etc?)

No, we didn't have anything in depth. I think we met with him twice.

It will be 22 years in October, so we did okay anyhow.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

I'm starting to think that premarital counseling in the sense of it being a "course" on how to be married is probably a response to the "50% divorce rare" (actually closer to 40% and improving).

Though having a 3rd party "teach" me how to conduct my relationship and marriage rubs me the wrong way to say the least.

 

[Dave-W]

Though having a 3rd party "teach" me how to conduct my relationship and marriage rubs me the wrong way to say the least.

Why? The skillset of relating to people can and has been taught for millenia. It is only in our western individualistic minsets that we think we know it all and have to go it on our own.

We think WAAAAYYYYYY too much of privacy, IMO. It almost becomes an idol.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Why? The skillset of relating to people can and has been taught for millenia. It is only in our western individualistic minsets that we think we know it all and have to go it on our own.

We think WAAAAYYYYYY too much of privacy, IMO. It almost becomes an idol.

It isn't that I know it all, but rather that I trust myself to seek out and learn as needed. Additionally, the topics covered are essentially part of being raised from a child to an adult. It's almost like they assume your parents left out this topic while raising you or you were too oblivious to learn by observing.
Plus, these skills are taught in a way that may not work for some. For instance, a key point when I went to Engaged Encounter was "Love is a daily decision". I reject that even though I embrace the larger concept they are getting at. For me "Love is a decision that you live out everyday".

That and it's probably just a personality quirk of mine.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Yes and yes - we did it with the pastor that married us. We also got a discount on our marriage license because of taking it

 

[Odetta]

Hercrazierhalf, if you were raised in a household where you learned through observation or through being told/mentored on how to conduct a healthy marriage, you are lucky. Not everyone has that, and those people could benefit from good pre-marital counseling.