Please Help: Unsure about My Engagement

[Hmarie30]

I just got engaged on Sunday to a Christian man whom I've known for over a year. I'm beginning to wonder if this was a good idea, because he's not respecting my boundaries and I'm worried about the effect of lust on our relationship. He keeps getting handsy and I don't like it. I said I didn't want him kissing or touching me like that until after marriage - IF God led us down that path. I want a relationship that is like the three-fold cord, with Jesus in the center - but it doesn't seem like we share that devotion to Jesus. I feel like the reason he now wants to marry me is just so he can have marital relations. I also just found out that he had picked out this ring for another woman in a previous relationship. I'm not sure I like wearing a ring that was intended for someone else. It kind of makes me feel like I'm a replacement. He also has ten thousand dollars of debt hanging over his head, but he's lazy so he doesn't want to work it off. I've already told him I can't afford to pay his debt - nor am I willing to. I just am not sure if I made the right choice by saying yes, but I don't want to just end things on the basis of emotion. I should mention that I have broken up with him twice in the past, but decided to give this one more go. I don't know what the wisest choice is here.

 

[Navari]

I personally would not want to go into a marriage with uncertainty, and doubt. Not respecting your boundaries and not wanting to take care of his financial responsibilities are big red flags for me.

 

[Goodbook]

Wisest choice would be to break it off.
Give the ring back. I dont know how to go about breaking an engagement as not had that experience, but please dont go through with this if you having doubts now. And learn to say NO.

 

[Albion]

I just got engaged on Sunday to a Christian man whom I've known for over a year. I'm beginning to wonder if this was a good idea, because he's not respecting my boundaries and I'm worried about the effect of lust on our relationship. He keeps getting handsy and I don't like it. I said I didn't want him kissing or touching me like that until after marriage - IF God led us down that path. I want a relationship that is like the three-fold cord, with Jesus in the center - but it doesn't seem like we share that devotion to Jesus. I feel like the reason he now wants to marry me is just so he can have marital relations. I also just found out that he had picked out this ring for another woman in a previous relationship. I'm not sure I like wearing a ring that was intended for someone else. It kind of makes me feel like I'm a replacement. He also has ten thousand dollars of debt hanging over his head, but he's lazy so he doesn't want to work it off. I've already told him I can't afford to pay his debt - nor am I willing to. I just am not sure if I made the right choice by saying yes, but I don't want to just end things on the basis of emotion. I should mention that I have broken up with him twice in the past, but decided to give this one more go. I don't know what the wisest choice is here.

It looks like remaining engaged to this fellow is a poor decision that is almost certain to cause you regret. If there is a chance of all these things being worked out, it will be better IMO to do it as a dating couple rather than as an engaged couple. And if you decide to break off the engagement, do it quickly.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

If he does not respect you and your boundaries now, he will not respect them later. If he is lazy and irresponsible with his finances now, he will be even worse later on. He does not sound like someone who is reliable at all. You have known him for a year and he is already showing his true colors, which may become worse after the potential marriage. Marriage is a highly serious commitment. The book of Proverbs instructs us to get our affairs in order before we begin building a family (especially the man) in Proverbs 24:27 and he has not done that. It also warns against laziness and talks about financial responsibility, etc. Very much worth reading through, best book of advice you can find (Godly advice = good advice!!!). Pray hard about this, reflect on it through God's word... but it seems like you already have your answer if you listen to what you are feeling. There is never a reason to rush into marriage, such a serious commitment as that! Keep your eyes on Jesus, first and foremost and ask Him to close every door that is not in the will of God for your life.

 

[Soyeong]

Let God make a man out of him before you try to make a husband out of him.

 

[turkle]

In another thread you said that you have been dating him on and off for about a month. How well did you know him for the past year?

Marriage is serious business, and it is critical that you know exactly what you are doing when you make that commitment. I do not believe that you can possibly have enough information after dating "on and off" for a month, or even for a year. It really takes a couple of years to really get to know each other, and how you respond in different circumstances.

After such a short time, there are red flags all over the place. So I would like to know, what makes you want to marry him? You say he's lazy and doesn't respect you, can't handle money and gave you a left over ring. Yet you don't mention anything positive about him.

I encourage you to spend a long time in prayer over this, because it sounds like a huge mistake.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

I just got engaged on Sunday to a Christian man whom I've known for over a year. I'm beginning to wonder if this was a good idea, because he's not respecting my boundaries and I'm worried about the effect of lust on our relationship. He keeps getting handsy and I don't like it. I said I didn't want him kissing or touching me like that until after marriage - IF God led us down that path. I want a relationship that is like the three-fold cord, with Jesus in the center - but it doesn't seem like we share that devotion to Jesus. I feel like the reason he now wants to marry me is just so he can have marital relations. I also just found out that he had picked out this ring for another woman in a previous relationship. I'm not sure I like wearing a ring that was intended for someone else. It kind of makes me feel like I'm a replacement. He also has ten thousand dollars of debt hanging over his head, but he's lazy so he doesn't want to work it off. I've already told him I can't afford to pay his debt - nor am I willing to. I just am not sure if I made the right choice by saying yes, but I don't want to just end things on the basis of emotion. I should mention that I have broken up with him twice in the past, but decided to give this one more go. I don't know what the wisest choice is here.

having only heard from you, i have to wonder what he might post about your negative aspects from his perspective...

so he is very attracted to you, and having a hard time controlling his hands - many many married women would LOVE to have that problem.

he doesn't share your devotion to Jesus, but he is willing to marry you to satisfy his lust - very very rare for a man who is not serious about God to take that path to satisfy lust.

who told you that he picked the ring out for someone else? have you talked to him about it, or simply judged him? you would not want him to treat you that way, would you?

he has $10,000.00 of debt - how much debt do you have? if you have any debt at all, then you don't fully trust God to supply your needs either - the amount doesn't really matter. and why would you say he's lazy after having told him you'd marry him? how would you feel if he told strangers that about you right now?

True love is selfless - focused on the one loved, not one's self. if you love him because of how he makes you feel, because of the things he does for you, then you don't love him at all - you love you. things change in marriage; if you aren't committed to him now, what will it be like if you have kids, car payments, mortgages, etc.?

but all of that is actually of no importance, because you left out the most important piece of information - do you perceive that God is leading you to marry him? if you really are serious about Jesus being at the center of your marriage, why didn't you remember to tell us what God was saying to you before you decided to to say yes to this man? and if you did say 'yes' because of God's leading, do you think maybe God didn't know about these things before He told you what to do?

 

[Bass4Jesus]

I just got engaged on Sunday to a Christian man whom I've known for over a year. I'm beginning to wonder if this was a good idea, because he's not respecting my boundaries and I'm worried about the effect of lust on our relationship. He keeps getting handsy and I don't like it. I said I didn't want him kissing or touching me like that until after marriage - IF God led us down that path. I want a relationship that is like the three-fold cord, with Jesus in the center - but it doesn't seem like we share that devotion to Jesus. I feel like the reason he now wants to marry me is just so he can have marital relations. I also just found out that he had picked out this ring for another woman in a previous relationship. I'm not sure I like wearing a ring that was intended for someone else. It kind of makes me feel like I'm a replacement. He also has ten thousand dollars of debt hanging over his head, but he's lazy so he doesn't want to work it off. I've already told him I can't afford to pay his debt - nor am I willing to. I just am not sure if I made the right choice by saying yes, but I don't want to just end things on the basis of emotion. I should mention that I have broken up with him twice in the past, but decided to give this one more go. I don't know what the wisest choice is here.

Here's my four-word answer to the situation, at the risk of under-spiritualizing everything:

Don't Be A Chump.

 

[paul1149]

Hmarie, I was not able to find one single positive thing in your post. Not one reason why you would think this would be a godly and happy relationship. If this is the way it is now, what is going to happen when the hard realities of life kick in, as they will?

 

[Hmarie30]

having only heard from you, i have to wonder what he might post about your negative aspects from his perspective...

so he is very attracted to you, and having a hard time controlling his hands - many many married women would LOVE to have that problem.

And this is an excuse for sin? While I understand and feel for the many married women, the Bible instructs very clearly in several places that we are NOT to give in to sexual immorality and that it is SIN.

he doesn't share your devotion to Jesus, but he is willing to marry you to satisfy his lust - very very rare for a man who is not serious about God to take that path to satisfy lust.

Really? With a 51 percent divorce rate in this country and places like Vegas handing out marriage certificates left and right, with media that throws sex in our faces constantly, men and women wearing less and less clothing on a daily basis...I find it more hard to believe that people don't get married on the basis of lust.

who told you that he picked the ring out for someone else? have you talked to him about it, or simply judged him? you would not want him to treat you that way, would you?

Excuse me, but he told me this himself. He picked it for his ex-girlfriend. I would not have known had he not mentioned it to me.

he has $10,000.00 of debt - how much debt do you have? if you have any debt at all, then you don't fully trust God to supply your needs either - the amount doesn't really matter. and why would you say he's lazy after having told him you'd marry him? how would you feel if he told strangers that about you right now?

Not that this is any of your business, but I don't have any debt. I have never had a credit card, and I don't drive because I have medical issues. And to answer your question, he was the one who called himself lazy. He admitted to me that is one of his biggest struggles.

True love is selfless - focused on the one loved, not one's self. if you love him because of how he makes you feel, because of the things he does for you, then you don't love him at all - you love you. things change in marriage; if you aren't committed to him now, what will it be like if you have kids, car payments, mortgages, etc.?

but all of that is actually of no importance, because you left out the most important piece of information - do you perceive that God is leading you to marry him? if you really are serious about Jesus being at the center of your marriage, why didn't you remember to tell us what God was saying to you before you decided to to say yes to this man? and if you did say 'yes' because of God's leading, do you think maybe God didn't know about these things before He told you what to do?

Do you trust God perfectly? Is your relationship with the Lord perfect? Do you know what my past with men is like? Has your relationship with others always been perfect? And do you have any right to sit in judgment over me? Don't think you know me simply from reading my post. My heart is hurting over this. My statements are not and were not judgments of who this man is - they are simply truths he spoke himself. I asked for wisdom on here because I genuinely care for this man and I never would have said yes if I hadn't felt peace from the Lord. But now that these things are coming to light, I am wondering if I made the right decision and I am questioning. I don't know if God is leading me to marry him and if not, I don't want him to make the mistake of marrying me. I don't know, and not knowing tears me up inside. I have never claimed perfection and never will. I would appreciate it if you would not treat me so rudely.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Do you trust God perfectly? Is your relationship with the Lord perfect? Do you know what my past with men is like? Has your relationship with others always been perfect? And do you have any right to sit in judgment over me? Don't think you know me simply from reading my post. My heart is hurting over this. My statements are not and were not judgments of who this man is - they are simply truths he spoke himself. I asked for wisdom on here because I genuinely care for this man and I never would have said yes if I hadn't felt peace from the Lord. But now that these things are coming to light, I am wondering if I made the right decision and I am questioning. I don't know if God is leading me to marry him and if not, I don't want him to make the mistake of marrying me. I don't know, and not knowing tears me up inside. I have never claimed perfection and never will. I would appreciate it if you would not treat me so rudely.

Hmarie, of course you care for him, but you also have to care for yourself too and always put Jesus first. Sometimes when we love someone and we are torn up with uncertainty about a situation, it's because God wants us to step back from the situation. I've been in this situation myself several times. It looks like the best biblical Godly thing you can do at this point is to step back, spend some focused time in prayer with the Lord & away from this man, and ask the Lord to help you clearly sort out your thoughts and feelings on this situation and guide you in the right direction. It's difficult to be in a situation when we care for someone so much but have uncertainty about it but trust God to lead you in the right direction! And always take your time on these serious commitments, never a need to rush into anything except time in prayer with the Lord who loves you most dearly of all

 

[Hmarie30]

In another thread you said that you have been dating him on and off for about a month. How well did you know him for the past year?

Marriage is serious business, and it is critical that you know exactly what you are doing when you make that commitment. I do not believe that you can possibly have enough information after dating "on and off" for a month, or even for a year. It really takes a couple of years to really get to know each other, and how you respond in different circumstances.

After such a short time, there are red flags all over the place. So I would like to know, what makes you want to marry him? You say he's lazy and doesn't respect you, can't handle money and gave you a left over ring. Yet you don't mention anything positive about him.

I encourage you to spend a long time in prayer over this, because it sounds like a huge mistake.

We knew each other fairly well; we were involved in a young adult group at our church. Apart from the teacher, we were the only two members, so we got to know each other pretty well. I didn't even know about his debts until just the other day, and he himself admitted to being lazy. He calls himself that. I didn't even know the ring was someone else's until he told me. I wish he hadn't told me - I hate the thought that he couldn't be bothered to spend the effort to pick out a ring for me, just gave me something someone else liked. I haven't said anything here that he himself hasn't said or admitted to - I don't want to seem like I was judging him.

My biggest problem with this is the purity aspect; he knows I have struggled with that for years. I finally have freedom from sexual sin through Christ and I don't want to fall again - but his actions show me that he doesn't really care about that. How can I trust him - I want to trust him, but how can I trust him if he won't respect my boundaries? I think that is what's breaking my heart the most. I felt like I could finally trust a man, finally found someone who wouldn't try pushing himself on me. I don't want to fail God again in this.

And the debt makes me question what will happen if we did get married - how would he handle the finances with me? I'm not good with money myself and don't always make the best choices so I can't judge him for it but it does worry me. I don't have debts and would prefer going into marriage debt-free.

So then I wonder - am I right in questioning this relationship, or am I just scared again, like so many times before? I will spend time in deep prayer over this. I really do care for him deeply. I love that he prays from his heart, and he does have a heart for others. But I also respect marriage as God intended it to be and I don't want to enter into it lightly, without taking these things into serious consideration.

 

[Hmarie30]

Hmarie, of course you care for him, but you also have to care for yourself too and always put Jesus first. Sometimes when we love someone and we are torn up with uncertainty about a situation, it's because God wants us to step back from the situation. I've been in this situation myself several times. It looks like the best biblical Godly thing you can do at this point is to step back, spend some focused time in prayer with the Lord & away from this man, and ask the Lord to help you clearly sort out your thoughts and feelings on this situation and guide you in the right direction. It's difficult to be in a situation when we care for someone so much but have uncertainty about it but trust God to lead you in the right direction! And always take your time on these serious commitments, never a need to rush into anything except time in prayer with the Lord who loves you most dearly of all

You're right. Thank you. I am going to spend some serious time in prayer over this situation. We were supposed to meet tonight but both of us felt like we shouldn't, like we needed to spend time apart. I'm praying the Lord will show us both what to do. I really desperately want God's guidance. At the time, I thought it was right to say yes, that this was the Lord's plan. But as things come up, I can't help but wonder. I don't mean to be judgmental and I wasn't trying to be. I just really don't want to screw up again - I have screwed up so many times and this is something I don't want to get wrong before the Lord.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

You're right. Thank you. I am going to spend some serious time in prayer over this situation. We were supposed to meet tonight but both of us felt like we shouldn't, like we needed to spend time apart. I'm praying the Lord will show us both what to do. I really desperately want God's guidance. At the time, I thought it was right to say yes, that this was the Lord's plan. But as things come up, I can't help but wonder. I don't mean to be judgmental and I wasn't trying to be. I just really don't want to screw up again - I have screwed up so many times and this is something I don't want to get wrong before the Lord.

We've all screwed up, don't be hard on yourself! Just give everything up to the very capable hands of God, He will bring you through this situation as you place all your trust in God. If you felt it was right to say yes it probably was right to say yes. It seems like maybe if you hadn't said yes then some of what has come to light would not have done so. Seek His guidance and He will lead you and entrust all your cares to Him, He's got this in His hands. Perhaps He does mean for you to be together, but keep standing firm in your boundaries so that you don't fall into sin, this seems like maybe a lesson for the guy to learn about respecting boundaries. Only God knows, but your faith and dedication to Him will lead you in the right direction. I pray that God will strengthen and help you in this situation.

 

[KimT]

Let God make a man out of him before you try to make a husband out of him.

GREAT ANSWER. Listen to this. God bless you.

 

[DiscipleHeLovesToo]

Do you trust God perfectly? Is your relationship with the Lord perfect? Do you know what my past with men is like? Has your relationship with others always been perfect? And do you have any right to sit in judgment over me? Don't think you know me simply from reading my post. My heart is hurting over this. My statements are not and were not judgments of who this man is - they are simply truths he spoke himself. I asked for wisdom on here because I genuinely care for this man and I never would have said yes if I hadn't felt peace from the Lord. But now that these things are coming to light, I am wondering if I made the right decision and I am questioning. I don't know if God is leading me to marry him and if not, I don't want him to make the mistake of marrying me. I don't know, and not knowing tears me up inside. I have never claimed perfection and never will. I would appreciate it if you would not treat me so rudely.

would he feel the same way about you if he knew what you said about him?

if you aren't sure you've heard from God, then wait

 

[ValleyGal]

It is one thing to be engaged. I would not go so far as to break up with him just yet. Find out more information.... what are his debts from? There's a difference if they are from student loans or from betting on horses. And his laziness? Is it because he works hard all day and has no energy left at the end or is it because he won't even bother looking for a job? So in all these things, context matters.

The things that would bother me the most are his lack of respect over your commitment to purity and the ring being intended for someone else. Was he too lazy to return the ring to the jeweler? Did the other woman ever wear the ring, or did they break up before he could even ask?

You have known this man for a year, dated a little here and there for a month, and then agreed to marry. You say you knew him really well, but now you are learning new things - things you are not comfortable with, and for good reason. Imo, they are red flags. You should ask yourself a few questions...
What are your views on marriage? What are his? What about your expected roles in marriage?
Do you trust him to care for and respect you and to love you like Jesus loves his church?
Do you trust him to keep his word? Does he have the integrity to keep his vows when he makes them?
Do you trust him to put your best interest above his own, even at great cost to himself?
Do you trust him to be a good and dedicated father to your children (if you have any)?
Do your family and friends like him, accept him and approve of a marriage? Will they support your marriage if it goes rocky?
Do your family and friends trust him to care for you and keep his vows?
What is his reputation like in the community? What is his relationship with Jesus like?
Describe the character of a godly husband. Does he match up?
Do you have the same goals in life? Is he willing to help you reach your goals and support you in them?
Does he value, respect and cherish you, and your relationship with Jesus above all? Is he willing to come second to Jesus in your heart?
Does he have any history of mental health issues or addictions that could adversely affect the marriage if he were to relapse?

Ask yourself what things are important to you in a husband (such as integrity, humility, honour, respect for self and others, etc). Make a huge list and then decide what are negotiables and what are non-negotiables. Make sure that he measures up to the non-negotiables and that you will both be able to manage the negotiables with respect and acceptance.

Being engaged to someone you care about is exciting, but it sounds like you have a good grasp on going into this with a level head. Don't set a date until all these kinds of things have been worked out.... and one way to find out what kind of guy he is is to give back the ring and tell him how much it bothers you that it was intended for someone else. If he accepts that and gets rid of the ring and buys one specifically for you, then maybe it was a social gaffe - then you need to consider if you want to be with someone who is socially inept. Still, that might be a good measuring stick...There are many things you need to consider before you even think about setting a date.

 

[BFine]

I just got engaged on Sunday to a Christian man whom I've known for over a year. I'm beginning to wonder if this was a good idea, because he's not respecting my boundaries and I'm worried about the effect of lust on our relationship. He keeps getting handsy and I don't like it. I said I didn't want him kissing or touching me like that until after marriage - IF God led us down that path.

*OK, you have boundaries right? Time for you to
enforce the boundaries.
If you don't want his hands on you or the kissing to
become to intimate, then---Don't be in situations where he can get all touchy, kissy etc.
..I learned long ago that if the guy is turned on, then
you have to enforce the boundaries. Avoid being alone
with him or avoid places where he can get all touchy and stuff.
Set him straight ASAP...you've told him how you want to wait until marriage before getting too intimate, now it's time to show him that you are serious about that.


I want a relationship that is like the three-fold cord, with Jesus in the center - but it doesn't seem like we share that devotion to Jesus. I feel like the reason he now wants to marry me is just so he can have marital relations.

*Yes, many men are fighting their sex drives/testosterone ...this is a struggle for many
of them.

Whisper: Isn't it good to know you are desirable to him? There's been several who's been on this board
who didn't find their prospective spouse desirable.
Do you find him desirable? Hard to resist?
If so, then it's good that you enforce the boundaries
he's pushing too far over the "safe zone."

That's why many get married, there's the sex drive, the Bible says this:
1 Corinthians 7:1-9
"Now concerning the matters about which you wrote:
“It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with
a woman.” But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and
each woman her own husband.
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.
For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.
Likewise the husband does not
have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."
(Note the mention of the lack of self-control.)

I also just found out that he had picked out this ring for another woman in a previous relationship. I'm not sure I like wearing a ring that was intended for someone else.
*It's a good ring, while it's sad he had a previous
romance that went "south"-- but on the other hand
you and him met, fell in love and are now engaged...
score for you!

The ring is still meant for an engagement... many of us may have something that was intended for someone else...I've worked in stores and so many pieces of jewelry or whatever get returned for various reasons...eventually these items get sold to someone else and many are unaware that what they have was intended for someone else... I got someone else's car, it was a perfectly good car, the car itself has no emotions-- so it is neutral...
the ring is also neutral...you can make it your own or assign some other meaning to it, the ring itself won't care. As for the car I got, I made it my own...and it served me well for many years.


It kind of makes me feel like I'm a replacement.

*You're no replacement, don't assign that title to yourself.
There was someone else before you... like there was someone else before this man you're engaged to... would consider him a replacement? I hope not.
I hope this man is someone you love and want to marry and share a life with.


He also has ten thousand dollars of debt hanging over his head, but he's lazy so he doesn't want to work it off. I've already told him I can't afford to pay his debt - nor am I willing to.
*Good for you! Stand up for what's right...at this point he's responsible for the debt he's incurred, likewise, you're responsible for the debt that you've incurred thus far.
It is good to discuss debt and to start paying off said debt(s) as much as possible before getting married.

I just am not sure if I made the right choice by saying yes, but I don't want to just end things on the basis of emotion. I should mention that I have broken up with him twice in the past, but decided to give this one more go. I don't know what the wisest choice is here.

*If you're sticking to your guns, then both of you need to get busy paying down as much debt as possible before tying the knot.
There's nothing wrong with being engaged but there's no need to rush into marriage right away since you have doubts and perhaps "cold feet"...do sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk about debt, the ring (if it's a big issue for you) and anything else
that maybe bothering you-- oh, and find out if he's
has any doubts/concerns too.

Do get as much of your individual debt(s) paid down or paid off before marrying...I can't stress that enough.

 

[Goodbook]

Thats why you have premarital counselling.

Of course you care for the guy...but you first post sounded like he was totally upsetting you. Thats not good. If i was engaged to someone like yesterday that I loved I would be so happy and wanting to tell everyone, not doubting and thinking it would be a huge mistake. If in doubt, dont do it...well the period of engagement is to find out if you really suited to each other and find out everything about each other, and if any reason theres doubt you do NOT have to marry, you need to sort this out and pray.

But the whole second hand sweetheart thing. Red flag.