Old hurts that won't go away.....

[BlackLamb]

I don't want to bore anyone with a life story. Growing up, in middle school, I felt very rejected and inferior to and by others. The popular people were the girls who were my best friends growing up. The girls wanted to be them and the guys wanted them, and I was pushed aside. I was known as the "good Christian girl", when really I had just grown bitter and depressed. I suffered from sadness and depression for maybe five years, getting very fearful towards God, angry towards Christianity, hurting myself, just hating myself. Thank God, He brought along good friends, and I was healed from the depression and and self-mutilation.

Now that that's gone, I have to deal with the hurt that brought me to that point. I still struggle with self-image. In middle school, all I wanted was to be noticed and have people treat me with the same respect and give me the attention some of my other friends got. In high school, I got what I wanted. I've had all the compliments, the affection, the attention. Not necessarily the way I wanted, but I got it.

And you know what? It hasn't made much of a difference. Not in a meaningful way, at least. I thought if I were treated differently, things would be better. But I'm still as insecure as ever. I still get flustered when I talk to people, I still don't feel myself around others, I still refuse to look in mirrors most of the time, to look at pictures of myself, to take a chance and talk to someone just because I want to. I'm tired of flushing and sweating when I actually do talk to said person, I'm tired of being afraid around people that only want to be friendly to me. I'm tired of feeling like a stupid little child. I get upset so easily.

I've been waiting for a mate for so long, and God still hasn't answered those prayers. I met a guy last year that made my life wonderful. He was gentle and affectionate and made me feel pretty and worthwhile. He asked me out, and I said no. Because I know I shouldn't be involved with non-Christians, and this guy was a Satanist (the Anton LaVey kind, not the actual devil worshippers.) I know I would have been hurt by the relationship, but I still desperately wish I knew what it felt like to have someone to give my love away to and have it returned. Not once has anything worked out for me. There were guys I'd constantly obsess about, I want to know what it's like to have affections be returned. I know this must sound really petty, but I'm a romantic, have been since I was a little girl. This is a big source of pain for me.

I start college (hopefully) this fall. I don't want to go into that experience anxious and afraid and not as myself. I don't want to hurt anymore. I know that's not completely possible. I'm just tired of old wounds.

 

[TheMainException]

Oh, dear sister...by turning down the love of that satanist...you have made God very happy...he will surely bless you for this. Remember to look for the good things in life, not the bad. When you feel like talking to someone, but are too scared, DO IT ANYWAY...don't listen to those feelings of insecurity...keep strong and do your best to shove them aside and talk to that person, the more often you do it, the better you will feel later on. Keep doing it...keep praying and keep asking God for strength. I pray that God might answer your prayer to be free from these former wounds and move on to the future...my love to you sister...I love you very much and hope that things start going a bit better for you.

 

[madison1101]

First of all, everything you wrote about yourself reminds me of me when I was in junior high and high school. I was so messed up back then. I had no self-worth, and even after all these years, Satan uses things to flatten my self-esteem.

Your worth is defined by God, not people. No man can give you worth, only God. Learn who you are in Christ. Read "Victory Over the Darkness" by Neil Anderson. Memorize what scriptures say about you. Read a Psalm a day and journal one thing God says about you in each Psalm. Each day, reread what God said about you, and after a month you will have 30 statements about yourself based on God's Word.

God loves you and says you have infinite worth because of what Christ did on the cross.

Hugs,
Madison

 

[TruthSetsYouFree]

I have to agree with Madison in recommending Victory over Darkness. I personally have not read that book, but I heard it's good, and I read his book Bondage Breaker, and LOVED it! Neil Anderson has a lot on the ball, and you will feel lifted up just reading what he has to say about this! I think the source of your problem may lie in rejection. You need to have a solid understanding of who you are in Christ, and overcome those past hurts. I know it can be hard to forgive those who have hurt you, but I can assure you, it is 100% necessary for you to release them (Mark 11:26, Matthew 18:23-35). By releasing those who have hurt us, we release ourselves.

I would also recommend a book titled Root of Rejection by Joyce Meyer. I have recently ordered this book (it should be here anyday now), and I wouldn't normally recommend a book that I haven't read myself, but I've read enough of her material to know that she's got a lot to say when it comes to dealing with rejection and abuse. She came from a background of abuse and rejection, and God brought her out and set her free!! I have read Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, and right now I'm reading The Power of Forgiveness by Joyce Meyer, and it's awesome! She really tells it like it is, and that's a good thing... because it's the truth that sets you free (John 8:32)!

In Christ,
Bobby

 

[Swanee]

This is not my testimony, but from a young woman that i read about earlier tonight. This may not all relate to youbut it is to do with self esteem.

When I was about 13/14 I had such terrible self esteem, which seemed strange because as a child I was very confident and outgoing. I started starving myself, which turned into an eating disorder that lasted 5 years! Boys didn't seem that interested in my and I figured that it was because I was ugly and fat. At 110 pounds, I am not sure how I came to the conclusion that I was fat. I remember going to summer camp after the 10th grade and one of the older camp counsellors told me that I was very attractive. He certainly could not have been talking about me!! Over the next few years GOD was telling me that He saw me as beautiful! By my second year in college I came to accept and love my figure. "God saw what he had made and it was good." I didn't look much different, but I became beautiful. As soon as I realized it guys started noticing me.
At 27, I am now engaged after being very lonesome much of my life. Just as a word of encouragement- God heals every part of us!!
On a more superficial note... I agree that while our hearts matter more and our self-confidence, found in Christ, makes us beautiful, it isn't to say that physical beauty matters nothing at all. There are things we can do to convey to others that we value ourselves and therefore others ought to value us as well. For example, find $50 and go to a swanky hairstylist. Get a nice hair-do and advice from the stylist. Keep yourself clean and refrain from wearing illfitting, dirty and wrinkly clothes. Excerise and eat well- this will do wonders for your skin (YES it works believe it or not!), your figure and your self-confidence! God made you and when He saw what He had made He called it Good!! Now, we must be good stewards to what God has given us!

Learn to enjoy your self, and your own company. I am a male that has been through 2 relationships because I was looking for Love and affection to help overcome my own self esteem. I also am a romantic, but if i can't live by myself, and with myself, how can i expect someone else to.

I am also a Newbie, but if you would like to talk to me more about this, as i have experienced it and learned to manage it, please feel free.

All the answers are in his word.

May God Bless You

 

[BlackLamb]

TruthSetsYouFree- I LOVE Joyce Meyer. I used to listen to her a lot when I was younger, haven't so much lately. Thank you for telling me about her book, I hadn't heard of it before. You're right, rejection is the big issue with me. That's why I'm afraid around people. Just because I haven't dealt with past rejection, and I don't know how to. I appreciate the recommendation.

Thank you everyone for your support. I really appreciate it. While I wrote this post, I just kept really wishing for some Christian interaction and encouragement (most of my friends aren't Christian, it's nice to have fellow believers to go to), and you all blessed me very much. Just the fact you cared enough to take the time to write to me. That means a lot.