OK, now should I be worried?

[LovebirdsFlying]

OK, having read the link, transference and projection are not the same thing. Projection is accusing other people of something that actually applies to you. "You probably think I'm crazy," says the woman who has a secret fear that she is losing her mind. "The teachers hate me," grumbles the student who hates the teachers, and the concept of education in general. "I know what you're thinking. Shame on you for your impure, sinful lust," says the deacon who's thinking the same darn thing. That's projection. Transference, if I'm understanding correctly, is "You have a superficial resemblance to somebody in my past, so I'm putting you in the same box. If my father or my ex did such-and-such, I expect you will too."

I think we're both doing that; i.e. early in our marriage when Hubby was nervous traveling with me. Because his ex ran late all the time, he assumed it's just what women do. (Songs like Brad Paisley's "Waiting on a Woman" don't help. It basically says, "Yeah, get used to it. All women run late.") So, he'd be tense and uptight and want to prod me along, constantly reminding me what time it is, and when we need to be where. Once he caught on that I don't need that, he stopped doing it. Now we can enjoy traveling together. Similarly, when we were first married, I way overreacted to his not being quick to help with housework on his days off. The way I saw it, get the work done first, and then kick back. If he was playing computer games while I washed dishes and vacuumed, I assumed he was being lazy and didn't care about the mess. Didn't know him very well, did I? I think you can guess who in my past really did, and does, live like Oscar the Grouch in a garbage can.

I think what's happening here is, when Hubby says something, my mind goes, "Now, that can be taken more than one way. I know what I would have meant if I had used those words. Is that what he meant?"

 

[Mudinyeri]

Transference, if I'm understanding correctly, is "You have a superficial resemblance to somebody in my past, so I'm putting you in the same box. If my father or my ex did such-and-such, I expect you will too."

My understanding is that transference doesn't even require a superficial resemblance. In your case, your husband is male and, of course, your ex was male. That's probably more than enough "resemblance."

And, I get what you're saying about him being "emotionally flat." I'm that way too. I try to dig deep and find positive emotions for my wife, my son and others close to me but it's difficult to do so.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Things continue to be bumpy but not exactly a crisis. He put in for the day off to join me in my session, but he couldn't get it. I believe him. He doesn't lie. And since his schedule will change soon, it's going to be hard to coordinate when he's going to be available. This is understandable and can't be helped.

Still, we're going to NEED sessions together at some point, somehow. We communicate very well when we're talking about something that matters to him, or to both of us, but as far as he's concerned, if it matters only to me and not to him, then it doesn't matter. Example, we're having all of the doors in our house repainted. He thinks he's considering my wishes (and to some extent he is) because he let me pick out the color. Truth is, he really didn't care one way or the other. He didn't have a strong opinion about it. He says he would have objected if I'd gone with a bold neon pink, or something like that, but he's perfectly OK with the "toasted bagel" (sort of a medium light orangish-brown) that I chose because I wanted a higher contrast between the doors and the walls. Says he might have gone for something lighter, but the shade I chose meets with his approval, and everybody else is complimenting it too.

Point is, though, I can't think of one time that he had a *strong* opinion about something, and so did I, and he did it my way because he cared what I thought. Even more telling, neither can he. The only time I get a say is when he doesn't particularly care how it gets done. If he does care, then it gets done his way. Guarantee. Yes, he "let" me choose the color, but having the doors painted in the first place was all him, because he decided it needed doing. Meanwhile I've been asking for a grab bar so I feel safe in the shower for some time now, and that'll get done *if and when* it ever gets done. Can't afford that, but we can afford to have the doors painted. His priorities versus my priorities: Which matter more? His do, because I'm far more likely to go along with what he says than he is to go along with what I say.

I guess this goes to that transference again. I'm speaking as one who needed glasses as a child, but didn't get them until I was fourteen. Then it took a note home from school before my parents believed me that I couldn't see. I also had severely misaligned teeth, to the point of facial deformity, but they had no intention of paying for braces, so a school counselor organized a collection and funded them. Always with the "we don't have enough money" for anything I needed, but guess what. Even if we were homeless, they always had enough in the budget for all the beer and cigarettes they wanted. Priorities.... Sometimes I think that's just the role life assigned to me. That no matter what, the things I need are just never going to make it to the top of the list.

So yes, I suppose I'm still pretty depressed.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Update to the above: I should be fair and note that after posting, I brought up the shower grab bar again. The miscommunication was that he is aware they don't cost very much. It wasn't the price of the grab bar itself that he was concerned about. It was the feasibility of mounting it into the wall. Can it be done? Will it hold? I'm thinking, what's the big deal? Won't it just screw into a stud, like anything else? So, the same guy who's painting our doors--a member of the same church we go to, who works as a handyman for a living--is coming back tomorrow to paint more doors, and I'm supposed to ask him about it then. I'll probably end up getting my grab bar after all. It remains an issue that I usually have to fight so hard for what I need. Why can't I just ask, and be heard?