OK, now should I be worried?

[LovebirdsFlying]

I've mentioned before how this situation often happens. I give Hubby a piece of information, or bring something to his attention, which he acknowledges. Then a few minutes later, he'll ask me a question that makes it obvious he didn't hear a word I said. If I'm telling him about a problem that needs attention, again he'll acknowledge it, but then a few days might pass and it hasn't been addressed yet. So I bring it up again, and he'll swear up and down this is the first he's hearing about it.

Last evening, after he came home, we did a little bit of gardening. I can't do heavy work by myself, so we need to work together. He was pulling up the old radishes to replant new ones, and asked me to get the packet of seeds for him. I figured it was more productive to go do something else instead of just standing there waiting while he pulled the old plants, so I specifically told him where I was placing the seeds for when he needed them. Just for good measure, I said it twice. "I'm putting the seeds on the step.... OK, the seeds are on the step." He acknowledged it and thanked me.

Not even five minutes later, he comes to get me. "Do you have those seeds?"

"Honey, I told you I put them on the step."

He responds with a facepalm. "I remember you saying that. It just didn't register."

Now, I would have understood if it was, "Where did you say you put those seeds?" I do that a LOT. But how can the entire conversation slip his mind in less than five minutes?

For the record, he's still working a lot of overtime. It didn't dry up after all, and he's working seven days a week. Yes, there is a lot on his mind, but it seems to be he's bringing it on himself.

Any insight? Again, is this something to worry about? Alzheimer's runs in his family, but I'm pretty sure he would say no to being checked out--if it's possible to do that.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

My husband is the same way...I swear the man is deaf sometimes...

 

[snoochface]

If you can get him to a neurologist, it would not be a bad idea to have baseline testing done - not to indicate if he is declining NOW, but since ALZ runs in his family, it is a good idea to have a baseline established to measure declination down the road. If you present it that way, he might be more willing to do it.

My husband was tested a few years ago. It's very easy. The neurologist has a series of memory tests he gives him right in the exam room, just things like, "Listen to this list of 5 things, now write down the list" and "Touch your nose, scratch your ear, pat your leg, then write down the number 5, in that order" -- it measures his ability to remember things short term, to keep tasks in order, and other memory skills. The whole thing took less than 15 minutes. It gives us something to compare against in follow up tests.

As for whether or not this particular issue is of concern, I tend to think not. It sounds like he did remember what you said after you reminded him, but he was focused on what he was doing and the information didn't click. If I remember correctly, he's already a little scatterbrained? My husband is the same way, and this kind of thing is not uncommon with him. But I do keep an eye on it.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I wondered about his hearing too, because a lot of times he'll call me, and I'll answer, and he'll call me again because he didn't hear me answer. But he works as a bus driver, and he has to have rudimentary hearing tests every so often to be certified for his job. He thinks because he can pass that, there is no reason to have a more detailed test done, *even though* passengers have complained as well.

In this case, though, it's not a matter of being unable to hear. He acknowledges what I say, and then quickly forgets I said it. I hate being frustrated about it, because if it's something he can't help, that's going to make me feel like a monster. Yet I do wonder why I even bother telling anything, if it's just going to fall right out of his brain.

 

[WolfGate]

Baseline testing may be good. My mother and my mother in law both had dementia. I do not remember them going through a phase where they forgot something short term but then remembered it when reminded. It may have happened since we were not really thinking about dementia until they started clearly losing short term memory. When we started noticing was when they would forget something and a memory prompt (such as you did) would not bring it back.

 

[Farine]

We have a relative with dementia and this article popped up on my email inbox.

http://www.care2.com/greenliving/common-medication-increases-dementia-risk-by-52.html

We did some research based on this article and found that this relative has acid reflux disease. Two common over the counter medications for GERD contain the drugs mentioned in this article. For those who are skimming this post, here's the short version.

There is a German Medical Study of one of their largest insurance populations. The study discovered these drugs function by turning OFF brain neurons. Now, occasional use of these medications permits the neurons to resume function. In other words in the short term, the turning off is of limited time duration. If used continuously, the brain neurons stay off permanently. It literally shrinks your brain with long term use....

Prilosec and Nexium have this drug in them. These are pretty commonly used and prescribed for heartburn relief.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'm younger but I do the same thing with my wife, well I mean I am forgetful or sometimes maybe I phase out. I think its my brain injury. If you give me a list of 5 things to do... odds are I'll forget some of them or at best forget what exactly I was to do them. The joke is men hear the wives and it just goes in one ear and out the other as "blah blah blah" because they talk alot. Not saying its right of course. But thats how many men seem to describe it. Maybe its just a man thing. Women are better at details so its rare I hear one say "I forgot what you said!".

 

[98cwitr]

I also find myself doing this. We men are in our own heads most of the time. If we are focused on a particular task, we tend to shut out most of what our brain would consider a distraction from a current task or priority. I can even make eye contact with my wife while she is talking, and then 5 minutes later BAM my short term recall is missing. Why is this? Because I was intensely focused on another task. I'm 33, so I don't think it's a particular medical condition (unless being male is a particular medical condition )

It is very helpful to plan ahead, but knowing that (and I've told my wife this) he will most likely not register your pre-planning, do you think it would be most beneficial to wait for when something is needed rather than prestaging things?

 

[DancingWithGod85]

I've certainly seen this in family members. They can be very sharp and quick at times, but in other respects you notice their memory fading. This could be a sign of short term memory loss or early onset alzeihmers. I agree with many of the commenters on this thread- suggesting some preliminary doctors visits is likely the best way to go! Remember when you suggest he see a doctor to be kind and open, you wouldn't want to accuse him or pressure him into anything.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Yeah I should have mention go see the doctor to be safe. My dad is now 63 (I think) and he was forgetting things since around 45. We just joked for years it was a man thing but after awhile we noticed a pattern. At this point he forgets ALOT. Like every day. And he can only focus on one thing now. Sometimes he will do strange things like go to get a knife to cut some carrots up. Then after he puts the knife in the sink and the carrots in the knife drawer. Its hard because we take him tot he doc but he fluffs everything off symptoms wise and the doc can't make an accurate assessment. That and my dad refuses to take more and more meds. We should have nipped this in the butt earlier in his life. For now its getting late.

I should add the fluffing off thing is a man thing (well women sometimes too) too. We can be stubborn. Thankfully I take after my mother and not as stubborn.

I'm 33, so I don't think it's a particular medical condition (unless being male is a particular medical condition )

Well I did see a study Popular Science (if I recall) posted about men possibly have their own "PMS" like cycle. They said it was like every 2-3 days. If that is the case it explains alot for me lol. Moody, forgetful because focused...etc.

 

[Mudinyeri]

For the record, he's still working a lot of overtime. It didn't dry up after all, and he's working seven days a week. Yes, there is a lot on his mind, but it seems to be he's bringing it on himself.

Any insight? Again, is this something to worry about? Alzheimer's runs in his family, but I'm pretty sure he would say no to being checked out--if it's possible to do that.

Probably a bit like your husband, I work countless hours in a week. I run several small businesses and my brain is usually processing numerous thoughts simultaneously. Occasionally, my wife will prattle on about something seemingly more trivial than whatever my brain is processing at that time. Only being able to process a limited amount of information, what my wife is saying may go to the bottom of the processing priority list. Every now and then, what seemed trivial at the time demonstrates itself as important.

It happens.

I don't know about you but my wife is much like nature. She abhors a (verbal) vacuum. She talks almost non-stop seemingly oblivious to anything else happening that may require my focus. Over the years, my brain has adapted and tuned out the frequencies of her voice (or pushed them down the priority list). The same could be happening with your husband.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Men tend to have a limit as to how much information we can take in. It's best to give us the Twitter version instead of the blog post.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I appreciate the responses. Things are starting to reach a crisis. I am getting SO sick and tired of repeating myself. It happened again tonight.

The thing is, each incident is not usually an earth-shatteringly important matter, but little things add up. When this scenario repeats over and over and over and over, well, now it's starting to be unbearable. It's not about the content of each individual thing I said to him. It's about having to say it multiple times as if I never said a word in the first place. I'm trying to tell him that--and again, he doesn't hear me.

But he's refusing to go for an assessment. I can't put up with this anymore. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than to live with somebody who doesn't retain a single word I say. He's starting to remind me of that t-shirt I've seen around. "My wife left me because I never listen to her. At least that's what I think she said."

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

PS: This is not about me rambling on and on so much he tunes me out. This is about me giving him a one or two sentence piece of information, which he acknowledges, and then less than five minutes later he totally forgets I told him.

 

[Farine]

Before you take that huge step- I have a divorce in my history. It causes a bunch of problems - some of which are potentially as big as this one you might solve with it.

The back logged emotional pain of disrespect and unmet needs will heal better with some counseling - for YOU- whether or not you divorce. I wish I had gone into a therapist years before I went.

Secondly, we are all intelligent problem solving people. Yes, your man is sinning. An empowering, you-affirming choice should still be available. If there is nothing gained by his choice - he might extinguish it. Getting curious about what perceived benefits it is giving him may shed some light on how to remove the advantages he thinks he is getting by doing it. Too late to make this short- I pray you really slow down and evaluate what getting a divorce would make your new reality....

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I'm already in therapy. He won't go. You see, as long as I'm the one seeing a therapist, while he isn't, he can tell himself he's just fine, and I'm the one who has the problem. He can't say that, if he starts going too.

It isn't just me. My daughter and my nephew live with us, and they observe it too. Either one of them can tell him something, and we all hear it. Then when it doesn't get acted on, and it's mentioned again, he'll swear up and down this is the first he's hearing about it. So it isn't just a matter of me being such a chatterbox that he has to shut down out of sheer defense. I'm not the only one he's not hearing.

 

[Farine]

I can really hear the pain. I am sorry. Good on you for going to therapy. There is relief in that for me about you. Your life will reflect the wisdom you are seeking. That is good.

You mention you have dependents living with you. Their lives will be likely greatly changed by a divorce. They will likely have to live somewhere else. That you have endured this much pressure from behavior you now hate shows you already know this.

You started this thread with a studied casualness in its title... I am thinking the title should be "if he does it one more time.. "

Here are my therapy dollars at work in this thought:

How can I get my power back and not lose my peace?

Clearly, you are within 3 months of filing for divorce. I am not anti-divorce - there are times when it is permitted as the lesser of two evils. In this case I predict you will lose far more than you gain. That is sad for me.

 

[Mudinyeri]

I can't put up with this anymore. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than to live with somebody who doesn't retain a single word I say.

Really? Wow!

I think I've offered you similar counsel in another thread. Put yourself in his shoes. Try to understand him and where he is. Why doesn't he hear you ... or remember what you said? If it is indeed, Alzheimer's, does it really matter if he goes in for an assessment? Will you be less frustrated if he is diagnosed?

If I recall correctly, you are at least partially disabled and don't work outside the home. Your husband loves you so much that he's working seven days a week to care for your physical needs yet you would cast him aside because he won't go for an Alzheimer's assessment? This, as @Farine said, is just sad and makes me appreciate my wife even more.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

He's working seven days a week so he can complain that he works seven days a week. He doesn't have to.

And yes, I would cast him aside. Because when I told him I can't take it anymore, and I'm out of here if he doesn't get checked out, he just shrugged and said, "Bye, then." I'm no great loss. He's made that plain.

UPDATE: I'm glad to report that the appointment has been set. Due to schedule change, he has Fridays off now, and he didn't get the overtime he asked for this week, so he's actually *off* today. So he used that time to set the appointment. Good.

Still reeling from the fact that he wouldn't care if I walk away, though.

Another update: I should answer the question. Yes, it would be far less frustrating if there is an underlying medical reason.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

PROGRESS REPORT

I was able to explain things in a way my husband could understand. He kept getting bogged down in discussing each individual incident, and he didn't see why I was upset to a degree that looked to him like it was way out of proportion. So what; he had a memory lapse. Isn't he allowed to be human? I put it in his language: money. I explained to him that it would be like me asking him for twenty dollars. Not an unreasonable amount each individual time, but if I started asking him for twenty dollars every day, it would add up. Then he could see the pattern.

I'm not the one who's been pushing him to work a ton of overtime. He's bringing that on himself. My frustration is that first it was supposed to be until the new class of trainees graduated, and then he said it was until the end of summer. When summer is over, what will be his deadline then? What excuse will he use to keep on breaking his neck? I say it's by God's design he didn't get any overtime today.

Earlier today, wanting to fold laundry, I had trouble getting up out of my chair. He went to help me, and I noticed *he* had difficulty standing up. He has back trouble too. When I pointed that out, he said something about working through the pain, just ignoring it and doing what needs to be done. Mind you, he won't allow *me* to do that, but *he* will, until the cows come home. After we folded the laundry, it became clear that every molecule in his body was exhausted. He just had to take a nap. And he apologized to me for it! Now, let me get this straight. He works himself so weary that he can't process a word I say, and then he apologizes for needing a nap? I told him he has no reason to be sorry. A nap is exactly the healthy choice to make.

When he woke up, we had this conversation:
"Thank God you were off today. You needed the rest."
"I see where you're coming from, but I've got debts to pay off."
"And if you work yourself into the ground, who's going to pay off those debts?"
He shrugs. "I've got insurance."
"I'd rather keep you healthy, and stay in debt a little while longer."
"I'm glad you care."

Yeah, but what do you want to bet he won't heed it, and he'll just go right back to overtiming himself to death?