Prayer Request Not sure where to go from here..

[lostinthepast]

Hello, I'm new here and I'm just looking for some friendly advice and prayer from fellow Christians. I have been married to my wife for nearly 10 years now and I love my wife. She has helped bring in two wonderful children and we are generally happy for the most part.
We come from two totally different types of families, her parents were very loving and openly communicated with their kids. My parents were more of a team. They didn't show a lot of love outwardly and communication was done on a "need to know" basis.
We dated for about 7-8 months before I asked her to marry me. Three months after that, we were married. Since then, my wife feels like my family has never totally accepted her. She feels like since I was brought up Catholic and she "pulled me away" from the Catholic church that my parents somehow resent her for that. I don't necessarily see that resentment, I just know that they're not very "warm" people. I'm four years older than one of my sisters, six years older than the other. It goes without saying that the two girls were closer to each other than I was to either of them.
My wife and I looked all over the metro area we live in when we were looking for a place to live, and it just so happened that the place we liked best was about two miles away from my parents. My sisters live in different states - one a car ride away, one a plane ride away. My wife feels trumped every time either one of them is in town, like "the golden child returns" sort of feeling.
We were talking last weekend with my parents and closer sister about flying out to visit the further sister in the coming months. A few days pass and I call my parents to give them the dates we would like to go (so our daughter won't miss school), when we find out they already have dates in a different month than we discussed and they pretty much have tickets and reservations with my closer sister and her husband already.
This ignited the powder keg with my wife. She exploded and has been angry for the last few days, even posting messages to Facebook such as "Can't sleep!! Pondering if you are always the outsider..... Should you just take yourself out of the equation?" and "I now know the answer to my question...Its better to remove yourself from the equation!!". She now swears she will avoid my family at all costs and she wants nothing to do with them. She accused me of "not being a man" and standing up to my family and how they are hurting us.
It should be said that my wife basically has a stenographer for all the times my family has hurt her/us, and whenever she gets angry with them all the old hurts return to the surface, and she lists them all loudly.
In contrast, I have a terrible memory. I actually forgot to buy her a card for her birthday this past year. We had other plans that fell through due to one of our daughters being sick, so I was thinking of other things we could do in place. After all was said and done, I forgot to buy her a birthday card and I will probably be hearing about that for the rest of my life.
That being said, I know my wife has a real "forgive and forget" problem. She doesn't forget anytime anybody's done something hurtful toward her/our family.
While I see the hurt in having a vacation planned without our family being involved, I don't see it as an "end of the world" problem. I would rather spend the vacation with my wife and daughters than trying to coordinate with four other adults who don't have to worry about entertaining kids.
I guess what I'm asking is "Where do I go from here?" My family is still going to be my family whether or not we go on vacation with them and/or talk to them. My wife is swearing off my family and all the anger she has with them is being directed at me. I tried writing her an email yesterday morning before I left for work asking her to see the problem from a different angle. She read the email and slammed the laptop down on a table, then yelled at me from a different room accusing me of "taking their side."
I love my wife, I don't know what I would do without her. Where do I go from here? How can I try to mend fences where one side sees nothing but hurt and the other side doesn't see any problems? My family is not trying to be hurtful on purpose, but my wife has problems accepting other people's mistakes as mistakes, not "planning to not include us." She sees this careless trip planning as a deliberate, calculated way to avoid going on vacation with us.
I don't know what to do.

 

[heliumskylark]

lostinthepast, I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you but I didn't want to "read and run" as you're so obviously hurting. What you describe sounds a lot like my parents marriage - my mom also has a remarkable ability to remember grievances from the beginning of their marriage (30+ years ago!), particularly those inflicted by my dad's family. I see the pain this causes my dad and I can imagine that you're going through similar feelings. Praying that your wife feels convicted to reconcile with your family. I hope somebody is along soon with some more solid advice for you.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

First, welcome to CF!
Navigating family dynamics can be hard. My parents are quite quiet, don't say much in conversation, and can go for long stretches without saying a word - even in the same room. I've never really understood that. And trying to explain those dynamics to my wife....? I'm often at a loss. I'm the youngest of two brothers by two years. My brother is the one with the large family - wife and three kids - so my parents are a little more "invested" in them, I think. I married later on, and have no children, so I think they want to be a big part of the lives of their grandchildren. So the pendulum swings in a wider arc the other way. And they dynamics when they're with my brother and his family are quite different as well. My dad and brother have more in common - they were the ones in the garage working on cars, riding dirt-bikes, talking shop, etc. I was never asked to be a part of that. When I did try, my brother made it clear I wasn't part of it.
So, your wife inheriting some of the family dynamics is just that. You can explain it the best you can, but in the end you and she will need to navigate it the best you both can. Maybe you can explain it to her that way, and have a heart to heart about how different the family dynamics truly were for you both growing up, and now. That doesn't take away her hurt, but she also doesn't need to be taking out on you things that might have nothing to do with you. The e-mail might have been seen as a bit of a 'dodge'. Talk to her directly, and ask what you can do (reasonably) to help make the dynamics better. However, you can only do what is in your power to do. "Being a man and standing up to your family" is a nice wish, but it's not concrete. Ask her what are some things you can do that are specific, and can eventually lead to some healing with your family.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

My mother is not a forgive and forget person. It drives my dad nuts because she will keep lists in her head, keep hate from long ago such as going to an old church and remembering why she didn't like it.

I'd tell your wife that as a christian we should forgive. And yes, it doesn't always mean we will forget major pain. BUT if we let that hold us back because we still get upset thinking about what happened, then we have basically never truly forgiven that person. Such as my mother who says she forgives her father for what he did to her, but she always talks about how much she hates him, won't miss him when hes dead...etc. That bitterness of letting past memories make her mad is holding her back. And I am sure God is holding back blessing since she won't truly forgive and forget. Remember, God knows our hearts. If we abuse His grace by saying "Oh I forgave and forgot!", but didn't really and stay mad, then He will no longer take us seriously. In other words our "Oh God forgive me for getting mad at that person again because of the past!" will not mean anything to God since we chose to stay mad.

Your wife needs to remember to that her focus should be on God. Who cares what other people do. Even inlaws or her own parents. Your marriage is about you and your wife, kids...etc. Not anyone else. Lets face it, to many christian end up in bad marriages, leaving marriages, leaving christiainty because they spent their whole lives worried about what others did and think.

 

[akmom]

While I see the hurt in having a vacation planned without our family being involved, I don't see it as an "end of the world" problem. I would rather spend the vacation with my wife and daughters than trying to coordinate with four other adults who don't have to worry about entertaining kids.

Ain't that the truth! Nothing like a vacation where everyone but *you* gets to relax. I bet that vacation played out would have left your wife more frustrated than simply being left out!

I don't know what to tell you, since your wife seems volatile and dead-set on her point-of-view. I've never known a person like that to *realize* their own faults. Perhaps you can mention to your parents, non-confrontationally, that your wife is taking it kind of hard that they went ahead and made all their plans without consulting you first. You don't have to make a big scene or demand anything of them. But at least you can honestly tell your wife that you spoke to them about it. Who knows, maybe they will try to save face with some kind of gesture to acknowledge your wife's feelings. It might not be all she was hoping for, but I bet she would at least feel acknowledged. If not by them, by you for showing her you do take her seriously (even if you disagree with her reaction).

 

[lostinthepast]

Thanks for all the replies and helpful advice. I have been given the statement "you chose your family over me" and now all I'm getting are looks of disgust and statements of "you're not a man if you don't stand up for me." Thing is, we've been through this all before - she got angry with my parents, I sat us all down for a discussion which turned into a yelling match. Hurtful things were said, and it took awhile to get back to a more "normal" relationship. I have stood up for her, twice. The first time was just my parents, the second involved one of my sisters. I don't want to be outcast from my family and/or distance myself from them. Sure they have done hurtful things in the past (who doesn't get hurt on occasion?), but life is too short. Why carry all those hurts and emotional baggage? I want her to give them to God and move on, but every time she gets angry with my family, all the old hurts come back into play. It's been three nights since we've slept in the same bed.
Please pray that our hearts will soften toward each other and that past hurts can be forgotten.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I understand to some degree. My wife and I live with my parents. When my mom gets enraged my wife doesn't talk to my mom for about a week. Then she slowly goes back to talking to her. Its not easy dealing with inlaws that you didn't grow up with. Especially in my case where my moms an angry person. Many have told me "Choose your wife or your family!". And I totally get what they are saying. I am my wifes family now and she is mine. My parents are secondary. Which is why we may move out, it would mean my parents may be upset with me, maybe even distance themselves from us. But if its what I have to do then so be it. While my wife and I don't believe in divorce, I know plenty of woman who at this point would say "Chose me or I will leave you!".

As long as she carries that anger around and as long as your family does it will make pleasing both sides impossible. My dad likes everyone to get along. So he sticks up for my mom and his own family. Which just angers both of them. Especially my mom. Shes at wits end, angry and threatened divorce many time. Even suicide. Thankfully I am not like my dad and would chose my wife hands down. Then again my wifes not angry like my mom is.

We will continue to pray for you all. Because now that slept in separate beds that means the next step might be her leaving for awhile. Its a path you don't want.

 

[lostinthepast]

Thanks for your prayers and advice, we're working things out and moving forward!

 

[faroukfarouk]

Thanks for your prayers and advice, we're working things out and moving forward!

Hi there; I guess essentially they are short fuse issues. I think reading a passage such as Philippians 2, which speaks of the suffering of the Lord Jesus at the Cross (for sinners), can put everything else into perspective.

 

[Brianlear]

Glad things are okay now. I still don't quite grasp what is going on though. Your family organized a trip to see your sister, knowing you wanted to go, but they planned it anyway without consulting you and then were just like, "too bad we're going"? Or did they consult you first and you couldn't go on those days?