I understand you guys are extremely busy and tasked with tons of things and I apologize for this huge wall of text. I have a shorter, bolded version at the bottom for those who don't want to read this huge wall.
This topic has been discussed before and I don't the feeling like I'm beating a dead horse here and I'm sure neither do any of you. But this has been bothering me deeply. I've prayed about it(I confess it wasn't as much as I should have) and I still get incredibly bothered by it from time to time. It is eating me away and it makes me tremendously bitter. You guys have no idea.
The issue is: My girlfriend's lack of virginity.
I don't know if I made a careless decision and if I was lacking and consideration but it seems that way to me now. I question if I should've jumped into the relationship or not. I'll be honest. I really, really like the girl(I'll call her Carly) but that one single flaw seems to outweighs all the positives.
About us: I am friends with Carly for over four years now. I knew her since she was 14 years old(she's 18 now) I'm 22. To make a long story short we were interested in each other but we never made any attempts to go beyond friendship. I ended up moving to the U.S and we kept in contact. Eventually I came back and it seemed our friendship was stronger than before despite the years apart.
I began liking her until I discovered she lost her virginity to her ex boyfriend. I was told by her and a number of other sources that they had a VERY bad relationship. He was verbally abusive, mean-spirited, controlling, etc. She had sex only one time and it lasted a few minutes. She hated herself for it and even considered suicide and went into depression. This all happened before I returned. They dated for only five month and they were never intimate to begin with.
So I come back, find this out and decide to date another girl in church who was interested in me, openly rejecting Carly. This new girl is a virgin, and that might've been the main reason I dated her and not Carly. Carly went into depression for some time, lost confidence in herself, cried a lot. The fact that she was in the same church made it worst. My relationship with the new girl was very bad. There was no intimacy on her part and just a cold callous attitude. But that's besides the point.
Where am I going with this? Well, I decided to date Carly because we're great friends. We hit it off very good and she confessed that she wasn't angry at me for choosing the other girl. I felt bad knowing I did so only because Carly had sex once before.
My problem:
Because I've been refusing sex all these years I would expect my significant other to do the same, no? I mean from my perspective or at least how I feel about this is that I've played an almost good Christian all these years so shouldn't I be rewarded with a woman who is pure, untainted and untarnished . . . with residue of her sexual history that will forever be ingrained in her memory even if I marry her one day? Most would say I'm being immature, insecure or just being selfish by putting so much value on a girl's virginity instead of the girl herself.
The root of the problem might be the fact that I haven't experienced anything of the sort, and that I feel cheated . . . like I'm giving more than I'm actually receiving. That when two couples who saved themselves for marriage and up into the point where they consummate that marriage, it is something unforgettable and special and something I won't get as if the love she is giving me/will give me won't be 100%. That something deep and essential is emotion.
Soul ties exist. Part of her is with the other guy and what of me? I didn't share anything so intimate. It isn't balanced despite what I've done. Yes, I know full well what the Bible says about love; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. I try to meditate on that all the time when these thoughts come but I dwell too much on the negative that it makes everything else void.
The past is past, what she was doesn't mean who she is and we as people can be made anew by God's mercy. I've heard it countless times, and I've read it countless times(I have been trying to find a solution to this problem for many, many hours now online). I also am aware that I shouldn't judge lest be judged with the same measure.
Carly was duped into sleeping with her ex in an already abusive relationship. Nothing I heard from her ex boyfriend was positive so I'm not entirely worried she will be fond of her former relationship but it still irritates me to know another guy has "been there, done that" before I did.
We, as people, are free to make decisions both wise and unwise and I shouldn't unjustly fault her for her past but my emotion are strong on this matter. Maybe it is my male competitive side or testosterone kicking in. Maybe I'm a victim of retroactive jealousy . . . either way I'm being devoured alive by the thought of it and I go as far as imagining things relating to her and her ex. Unhealthy, I know and as much as I try to put it past me I'm unable to. It comes back stronger.
The positives about her are plenty; she loves Christ, she's loving, caring, faithful, sincere, and understanding and a very hard worker. I can go on about how our friendship was built in four years plus. That she actually went to the mountains to pray about our relationship even before I was returning to Brazil. She fasted about it, waited patiently on it, and expected many things. She was heart-broken when I rejected her and she still decided to get into a relationship with me. She messages me every morning and every night since then wishing me a good morning and a good night and that she loves me and that she wants to be there for me and to make me happy in anyway she can.
We have amazing relationship together. We felt like we've been dating for many years Because she's was and is so dedicated to this and she's waited a long time, even contacting me a year before I came back. I know what she feels is legit and true. So trust me when I say I sometimes think its unfair and unjust to judge her by her past that she's not proud of and was so eager to place behind her in light of what she's been through.
I might be immature, inconsiderate, suffering from male chauvinistic tendencies . . I still like her a lot but not enough to let her past go entirely. I'm making progress. I hope. Maybe God is putting me to the test with forgiveness( an area I am very weak in). Who knows? She might be the girl. Who knows? She might offer me happiness that no virgin girl could ever do. I still am powerless in shaking off the bad thoughts.
I've spoken to her about, apologized and she almost cried and said "I would never be angry at you for that."
As I've said. We have a great relationship. We think the same things, say the same things, and at times do the same things. We're connected in a way and she feels it, too. We have a great bond and when I'm with her I forget about the issue yet when I'm alone the secure walls of my mind and heart begin to crack.
So, I have some questions about it all:
TL;DR:
1. How can I put these thoughts behind me? I prayed and prayed and had relatives pray for me yet it eats me away. I want it to stop but I wake up thinking about it.
2. For women who lost their virginity pre-marriage . . . do you think about the man that took it? If you're married, does your mind dwell on that one moment even if you created new and better ones with your spouse? Do these memories linger if you had sex once which was a horrific experience that lasted a few minutes?
3. Soul ties are created when a couple have sex. Though it can be broken can it have lasting effects that will hinder my relationship with my girlfriend? Or our marriage in the future(If God wills it)? Can soul ties b created through sex if it happened once and the girl hated her boyfriend and was eager to end the relationship?
4. Two become one in flesh, does part of her still remain with her ex and vice-versa? Can this be overpowered if she becomes one in flesh with someone she loves?
5. How can I create a healthy soul tie to my girlfriend without falling into temptation and having sexual intercourse? It is possible?
6. Can our honeymoon be special and meaningful to a near or same degree as if we both were virgins despite one of losing it before?
Thanks everyone. God bless.
This topic has been discussed before and I don't the feeling like I'm beating a dead horse here and I'm sure neither do any of you. But this has been bothering me deeply. I've prayed about it(I confess it wasn't as much as I should have) and I still get incredibly bothered by it from time to time. It is eating me away and it makes me tremendously bitter. You guys have no idea.
The issue is: My girlfriend's lack of virginity.
I don't know if I made a careless decision and if I was lacking and consideration but it seems that way to me now. I question if I should've jumped into the relationship or not. I'll be honest. I really, really like the girl(I'll call her Carly) but that one single flaw seems to outweighs all the positives.
About us: I am friends with Carly for over four years now. I knew her since she was 14 years old(she's 18 now) I'm 22. To make a long story short we were interested in each other but we never made any attempts to go beyond friendship. I ended up moving to the U.S and we kept in contact. Eventually I came back and it seemed our friendship was stronger than before despite the years apart.
I began liking her until I discovered she lost her virginity to her ex boyfriend. I was told by her and a number of other sources that they had a VERY bad relationship. He was verbally abusive, mean-spirited, controlling, etc. She had sex only one time and it lasted a few minutes. She hated herself for it and even considered suicide and went into depression. This all happened before I returned. They dated for only five month and they were never intimate to begin with.
So I come back, find this out and decide to date another girl in church who was interested in me, openly rejecting Carly. This new girl is a virgin, and that might've been the main reason I dated her and not Carly. Carly went into depression for some time, lost confidence in herself, cried a lot. The fact that she was in the same church made it worst. My relationship with the new girl was very bad. There was no intimacy on her part and just a cold callous attitude. But that's besides the point.
Where am I going with this? Well, I decided to date Carly because we're great friends. We hit it off very good and she confessed that she wasn't angry at me for choosing the other girl. I felt bad knowing I did so only because Carly had sex once before.
My problem:
Because I've been refusing sex all these years I would expect my significant other to do the same, no? I mean from my perspective or at least how I feel about this is that I've played an almost good Christian all these years so shouldn't I be rewarded with a woman who is pure, untainted and untarnished . . . with residue of her sexual history that will forever be ingrained in her memory even if I marry her one day? Most would say I'm being immature, insecure or just being selfish by putting so much value on a girl's virginity instead of the girl herself.
The root of the problem might be the fact that I haven't experienced anything of the sort, and that I feel cheated . . . like I'm giving more than I'm actually receiving. That when two couples who saved themselves for marriage and up into the point where they consummate that marriage, it is something unforgettable and special and something I won't get as if the love she is giving me/will give me won't be 100%. That something deep and essential is emotion.
Soul ties exist. Part of her is with the other guy and what of me? I didn't share anything so intimate. It isn't balanced despite what I've done. Yes, I know full well what the Bible says about love; it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. I try to meditate on that all the time when these thoughts come but I dwell too much on the negative that it makes everything else void.
The past is past, what she was doesn't mean who she is and we as people can be made anew by God's mercy. I've heard it countless times, and I've read it countless times(I have been trying to find a solution to this problem for many, many hours now online). I also am aware that I shouldn't judge lest be judged with the same measure.
Carly was duped into sleeping with her ex in an already abusive relationship. Nothing I heard from her ex boyfriend was positive so I'm not entirely worried she will be fond of her former relationship but it still irritates me to know another guy has "been there, done that" before I did.
We, as people, are free to make decisions both wise and unwise and I shouldn't unjustly fault her for her past but my emotion are strong on this matter. Maybe it is my male competitive side or testosterone kicking in. Maybe I'm a victim of retroactive jealousy . . . either way I'm being devoured alive by the thought of it and I go as far as imagining things relating to her and her ex. Unhealthy, I know and as much as I try to put it past me I'm unable to. It comes back stronger.
The positives about her are plenty; she loves Christ, she's loving, caring, faithful, sincere, and understanding and a very hard worker. I can go on about how our friendship was built in four years plus. That she actually went to the mountains to pray about our relationship even before I was returning to Brazil. She fasted about it, waited patiently on it, and expected many things. She was heart-broken when I rejected her and she still decided to get into a relationship with me. She messages me every morning and every night since then wishing me a good morning and a good night and that she loves me and that she wants to be there for me and to make me happy in anyway she can.
We have amazing relationship together. We felt like we've been dating for many years Because she's was and is so dedicated to this and she's waited a long time, even contacting me a year before I came back. I know what she feels is legit and true. So trust me when I say I sometimes think its unfair and unjust to judge her by her past that she's not proud of and was so eager to place behind her in light of what she's been through.
I might be immature, inconsiderate, suffering from male chauvinistic tendencies . . I still like her a lot but not enough to let her past go entirely. I'm making progress. I hope. Maybe God is putting me to the test with forgiveness( an area I am very weak in). Who knows? She might be the girl. Who knows? She might offer me happiness that no virgin girl could ever do. I still am powerless in shaking off the bad thoughts.
I've spoken to her about, apologized and she almost cried and said "I would never be angry at you for that."
As I've said. We have a great relationship. We think the same things, say the same things, and at times do the same things. We're connected in a way and she feels it, too. We have a great bond and when I'm with her I forget about the issue yet when I'm alone the secure walls of my mind and heart begin to crack.
So, I have some questions about it all:
TL;DR:
1. How can I put these thoughts behind me? I prayed and prayed and had relatives pray for me yet it eats me away. I want it to stop but I wake up thinking about it.
2. For women who lost their virginity pre-marriage . . . do you think about the man that took it? If you're married, does your mind dwell on that one moment even if you created new and better ones with your spouse? Do these memories linger if you had sex once which was a horrific experience that lasted a few minutes?
3. Soul ties are created when a couple have sex. Though it can be broken can it have lasting effects that will hinder my relationship with my girlfriend? Or our marriage in the future(If God wills it)? Can soul ties b created through sex if it happened once and the girl hated her boyfriend and was eager to end the relationship?
4. Two become one in flesh, does part of her still remain with her ex and vice-versa? Can this be overpowered if she becomes one in flesh with someone she loves?
5. How can I create a healthy soul tie to my girlfriend without falling into temptation and having sexual intercourse? It is possible?
6. Can our honeymoon be special and meaningful to a near or same degree as if we both were virgins despite one of losing it before?
Thanks everyone. God bless.
