My wife and I have been married for 16 years...3 boys....14,12,7. We have struggled with intimacy all of our marriage and it has caused us to really question whether we can continue being married.
My wife said she just doesn't feel any sexual chemistry toward me at all and that any attempt at sex with her just repulses her. She withdraws from me and avoids me when she senses me wanting her which causes a downward spiral where I attempt to act like I don't want/need sex with her and I try to distract myself with anything until it is too much to bear and we either have what I call pity sex or duty sex. To her she would rather have a root canal than have sex. And for me, to have sex with someone who feels as she does is almost like rape except she is willing to put up with it just to try to move past it.
It wasn't always like this and she seemed to enjoy it in the beginning. But, if you ask her, she will tell you that she never really found me attractive in that way and that she just thought those feelings would grow over time but instead they have done the opposite. She tells me that she loves me, thinks I am attractive, but has NO desire to be physically intimate with me. She said she has felt those feelings with past boyfriends so it isn't as if she can't feel it, she just doesn't feel it with me. She said she wants desperately to have those feelings with me but for whatever reason after 16 years we have basically given up. We have tried everything you can imagine. Go ahead, tell me something you think we should try and I bet we have done it. Nothing has helped.
I don't want to get divorce she says she doesn't either and that (and the kids) and our faith is what has held us together. But recently she has stated she feels the pain to want to desire someone as much as I want to BE desired. The problem is, is I am looking inward to her to satisfy that need and she is looking outward toward other people and wondering if life would be better apart. Sometimes I wonder that too. If it weren't for the children, we would have probably given up years ago. I am wondering too if this is all there is for us. Did God want us to be in a dead sexless marriage with no hope for any resolution? Do we just continue down this road together and live a life without that? It seems that by doing so we are not experiencing the joy that intimate connection provides. To me it is the glue that bonds a married couple and without it we are basically friends or roommates raising children. How can we satisfy that missing piece that for whatever reason seems too powerful to ignore? Why does God ignore our prayers about this? I don't have any fight left in me and I sure don't want to go the rest of my life (I am 46 an she is 41) and never feel like someone truly loves me unconditionally. What should I do?
My wife said she just doesn't feel any sexual chemistry toward me at all and that any attempt at sex with her just repulses her. She withdraws from me and avoids me when she senses me wanting her which causes a downward spiral where I attempt to act like I don't want/need sex with her and I try to distract myself with anything until it is too much to bear and we either have what I call pity sex or duty sex. To her she would rather have a root canal than have sex. And for me, to have sex with someone who feels as she does is almost like rape except she is willing to put up with it just to try to move past it.
It wasn't always like this and she seemed to enjoy it in the beginning. But, if you ask her, she will tell you that she never really found me attractive in that way and that she just thought those feelings would grow over time but instead they have done the opposite. She tells me that she loves me, thinks I am attractive, but has NO desire to be physically intimate with me. She said she has felt those feelings with past boyfriends so it isn't as if she can't feel it, she just doesn't feel it with me. She said she wants desperately to have those feelings with me but for whatever reason after 16 years we have basically given up. We have tried everything you can imagine. Go ahead, tell me something you think we should try and I bet we have done it. Nothing has helped.
I don't want to get divorce she says she doesn't either and that (and the kids) and our faith is what has held us together. But recently she has stated she feels the pain to want to desire someone as much as I want to BE desired. The problem is, is I am looking inward to her to satisfy that need and she is looking outward toward other people and wondering if life would be better apart. Sometimes I wonder that too. If it weren't for the children, we would have probably given up years ago. I am wondering too if this is all there is for us. Did God want us to be in a dead sexless marriage with no hope for any resolution? Do we just continue down this road together and live a life without that? It seems that by doing so we are not experiencing the joy that intimate connection provides. To me it is the glue that bonds a married couple and without it we are basically friends or roommates raising children. How can we satisfy that missing piece that for whatever reason seems too powerful to ignore? Why does God ignore our prayers about this? I don't have any fight left in me and I sure don't want to go the rest of my life (I am 46 an she is 41) and never feel like someone truly loves me unconditionally. What should I do?