No more feelings

[Catherineanne]

Are you seriously suggesting that telling her, if she wants to stay, to submit to her husband as the head and respect him would cause her depression and I would be responsible? I certainly hope that is not what you are implying.

There is no Biblical justification for any wife submitting to an abusive husband. In Christian terms husbands are supposed to treat their wives as Christ treats his church; that is the model. Meanwhile, husbands and wives are to submit to one another; it is not all one way.

A husband abdicates his role as head of the household if he engages in abusive behaviour; if he is profligate, or sleeps around, or any other seriously sinful behaviour. It is then the role of the wife to step in and limit the damage as much as she can; she must protect herself and her children and protect the family home and finances. If the harm being caused is too great to be remedied, she must end the relationship before it gets worse. The Proverbs 40 wife would not stay around to be abused, and neither should we.

 

[JustHisKid]

No, we will not recover. Think of the Lord in eternity; he rose again and ascended into heaven, but the marks of the nails are still in his hands. Similarly, we will bear the marks in this life, and perhaps even the next.

As for recovering, the first step is to accept that you were not to blame. There is nothing you could have said to prevent what happened; you were not too sharp, or too demanding, or too emotional, or too weak, or whatever other lies he told you. You trusted your husband to look after you, and you tried to look after him. But somehow it was never quite enough.

You can move on from it, but you can never be the person you were before. Neither can I.

There are a lot of resources online for abused women, and there are support groups if you can cope with them (I don't think I could).

Meanwhile, find some Post Its, and write on ten of them; 'It was not my fault' and then stick them on every mirror in your home. Every time you look in the mirror, read what it says. After a few years you may start to believe it. But it absolutely certainly 100% was not your fault. You trusted; he betrayed that trust.

Thank you.

 

[AureliaSoleil]

Due to this I do not trust him with my feelings. I am trying to decide what to do, leave or stay. He is not a Christian so he won't go with me to Christian counseling...he may go to secular counseling but I'm not sure my heart can be renewed toward him. I used to pray for us to work it out, he just kept behaving the same way and now I pray to know what to do... anyone else been here.

I have been battling something similar this past year. My marriage has never really been good with my husband either. Once I was ready to walk out, he started to have a change of heart. Like you mentioned, after you've been hurt one too many times, it's hard to feel safe again. I hope you will consider seeing someone in the church not just for your marriage but for you. What you're going through is very difficult and you need support. If you're not in the position to see a therapist, there is a book that can help you decide whether to stay in or get out of your relationship. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. Please message me anytime if you would like to talk.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I find it interesting that in this discussion, hardly anyone is focusing on the biblical instructions for husbands..."Husbands LOVE your wives....". An abusing husband is not loving his wife...he is not upholding his side of the marriage covenant. I was in that situation...an abusive husband. The abuse escalated to where he ended up getting arrested. He spent time in jail and on probation...while I took a job in another state. It has taken a year of separation, individual and couples counseling (both secular and Christian) before I even felt comfortable with him moving back in my home. He knows that if he backslides at all, that's it, we're done.

Sometimes, you just have to essentially put your foot down and tell your husband that you will no longer tolerate his behavior. Then it's up to him to change or not...and it's up to you to decide what to do after he makes his choice.