no intimacy, young married couple...

[NothingIsImpossible]

I never understood not wanting sex because your spouse weighs alot. I mean the body parts are still there. Its not like anything changes really (well except for the chest area). Still though.... he needs to talk to a counselor about it. A christian one, preferably a pastor. You shouldn't feel this rejected. These are the kind of issues that cause divorces and even cheating. Not that its a excuse to do either of course.

You should remind him that our bodies will change over time so even if you were "what he wanted" weight wise, it wouldn't matter because in 10 years your bodies will change. By the time your 80 things will be very different. He needs to accept that. Marriage/sex isn't about the outside.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Your husband's hang up on weight bothers me. I am over 50 and now about 60lbs heavier than when we first got married. Husband hasn't gained an ounce in almost 20 years. He STILL wants sex...regularly.

Start with a marriage counselor for BOTH of you.

 

[Everly]

I'm back again...
As expected, still no sex. It is hard to find a marriage counselor because we just moved in a new city and we have been attending a baptist church for a few weeks.
My only source of hope right now is through prayers. But I'm now feeling guilty about always praying for the same thing to God over and over again. How do I go deeper in prayer without sounding obsessed about it?

 

[All4Christ]

I'm back again...
As expected, still no sex. It is hard to find a marriage counselor because we just moved in a new city and we have been attending a baptist church for a few weeks.
My only source of hope right now is through prayers. But I'm now feeling guilty about always praying for the same thing to God over and over again. How do I go deeper in prayer without sounding obsessed about it?

Perhaps this isn't exactly prayer specific to your situation - but I find that reading the Psalms as a prayer is extremely helpful in many cases. That said, I don't believe you should feel guilty about praying the same prayer. I do recommend adding the Psalms though - not just as reading Scripture, but as a prayer.

 

[chapmic]

I'm back again...
As expected, still no sex. It is hard to find a marriage counselor because we just moved in a new city and we have been attending a baptist church for a few weeks.
My only source of hope right now is through prayers. But I'm now feeling guilty about always praying for the same thing to God over and over again. How do I go deeper in prayer without sounding obsessed about it?

You have nothing to feel guilty about Jesus wants you to come to him with any problems. Did you share with your husband how badly this affects you?

 

[elizabeth ededet]

i find this post very helpful because i have a similar problem, the only difference is that my husband prefers to touch on inappropriate contentography than to have sex with me. we haven't been intimate for the past six months and its driving me crazy. we have been married for just a year and six months.

 

[Hotinco]

Ok seriously 110 pounds unless are are 2 foot tall you are NOWHERE near over weight or "fat" So he can make whatever excuse he wants but it is just an excuse.

I am assuming ( maybe wrong) he is around your age - if so there is way more to this then he is telling you. Maybe he has a medical issue, but his sex drive should be fairly high.

You both need professional help, if the only issue truly is your weight or ultimately your image He has issues he needs to deal with. He needs to understand he is sinning against you and God by withholding sex from you. He should not be making you feel bad about it, nor beg for it. We all don;t feel like it at certain times (illness, tired, etc) but to withhold sex for long period of time is not biblical or being a good husband.

 

[NicoleWilliams]

I am so sorry to hear about the pain you’re experiencing in your marriage. My heart goes out to you! The first thing I want you to know is that I will be praying for you, asking the Lord to draw you closer to Himself and surround you with His loving presence. I found the suggestions given in this article, Wife Frustrated With and Hurt Over Husband's Low Sex Drive - very informative – I hope you will find it useful, too. May God be with you during this time – Hugs!

 

[Dave-W]

But I'm now feeling guilty about always praying for the same thing to God over and over again.

Luke 18.1 Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart,
2 saying, “In a certain city there was a judge who did not fear God and did not respect man.
3 There was a widow in that city, and she kept coming to him, saying, ‘Give me legal protection from my opponent.’
4 For a while he was unwilling; but afterward he said to himself, ‘Even though I do not fear God nor respect man,
5 yet because this widow bothers me, I will give her legal protection, otherwise by continually coming she will wear me out.’”
6 And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge *said;
7 now, will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them?
8 I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?”

Our Lord told us to pray and keep at it until the change comes.

 

[Autumnleaf]

He could be gay.

 

[Poppyseed78]

Hi -

I just came across this thread, but I saw that it's been a while since you last updated. I'm sorry things hadn't changed from before.

This would be a big problem to me for sure. I would be very hurt by the rejection. Your husband should be loving and affectionate toward you, and he should love you for more than what you look like. And it's really petty for him to reject you based on a slight weight gain. His demand for a super-skinny woman is shallow, unrealistic, and dumb. Sorry if that's harsh. But you need to eat to have energy in order to live and take care of your child. He should be so happy that you have a family, and you brought his child into the world. He shouldn't be rejecting you because you gained 10 pounds!

For this reason, I suspect that his sudden coldness is caused by something else. Whether it's the weight gain or not, though, I recommend couples counseling. This situation isn't sustainable forever. And the answer is for him to get over his hangups, whatever they may be, NOT for you to lose weight. I think that even if you lost weight, he would still not be affectionate. He's just using it as an excuse. Is it possible that now that you've become a mother, he has a hard time viewing you in a sexual way anymore? It's not uncommon for this to happen.

Depression, stress, and medication can all affect a person's sex drive, but it doesn't sound like those things apply in this case.

I hope the situation improves.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi there. Maybe I'm on my own here, but I don't think that the "I want my 1 Cor. 7 rights. Now!" approach is necessarily the best.

You guys in many ways are already very blessed. You have even mentioned on here your dh's various good qualities.

Let me stand back a bit and mention what I say to unmarried, courting Christian couples, maybe contemplating marriage. If they are already reading their Bibles prayerfully, making it a priority to carry out prayer and Bible reading together every day or as much as possible is a very, very high priority. Sometimes folk worry that young professing Christians who are courting will want to use condoms before they actually marry; but I strongly believe that if the courting couple are both devoted to their relationship with the Savior even more than they are to each other and show this by a strong commitment to daily prayer and Bible reading together or whenever possible (as well as private prayer and Bible reading), then the condom option is likely to be obsolete before the wedding.

Now to young married couples. It doesn't start or end with condoms, either. Again, if a joint commitment to prayer and Bible reading in each others' company is a deep seated feature; and if devotion to the Savior underlies your joint devotion to one another, there are other consequences likely also. I will then want to spend time with my spouse. I will simply enjoy exercising patience and respect to my spouse. I will find just being with my spouse a delightful, relaxing experience; or my spouse will have the effect of relaxing me. I will - I trust, with the Lord's daily help - become spontaneously affectionate with my spouse and expect and enjoy exercising selfless patience in my spouse's company. I will become more and more aware of my spouse's likes and dislikes.

In such a state of domestic affairs, this is when ultimately something intimate is more likely to occur.

Lawyers are necessary; but some lawyers have done a great disservice by encouraging people in the belief that the "I want my rights now!" attitude can be used to coerce deep-seated affection and even intimacy.

God bless you guys as you work at your priorities, which ultimately are spiritual. Then see if something intimate happens.

 

[Everly]

Hi all,

First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread. I feel supported and less alone with my problem.

Something I have realized after reading faroukfarouk's comment is that my husband and are no longer pray together. I think it never came in his mind to do so... Yes, we joined a Bible Group and he does participate and share but never to me personally. It is always in a group setting. His prayer requests are most likely related to work and how work is stressful and time consuming (ah, I wished he could opened up and say that we are struggling as a married couple). But deep down, I do not know how his relationship with the Lord is. I asked a few weeks ago, I got a two sentence response. Maybe because he is not pursuing God, this affects his faith and ultimately our marriage and intimacy? Who knows...

To summarize:
- my husband clearly likes an athletic women body with firm muscles and flat belly. No question...
- my man is not into sex like most males his age. Sex is alright but not extraordinary
- He grew up in a very conservative family where sex might be seen as sinful
- We are not jointly praying, sharing and reading the Bible together

My heart is aching and breaking because I truly love him. I admire him each day because he is a wonderful person to be with: genuine nice, approachable, humble and passionate about his work.

I'll ask the Lord to give me strenght to not loose hope.

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi all,

First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to respond to this thread. I feel supported and less alone with my problem.

Something I have realized after reading faroukfarouk's comment is that my husband and are no longer pray together. I think it never came in his mind to do so... Yes, we joined a Bible Group and he does participate and share but never to me personally. It is always in a group setting. His prayer requests are most likely related to work and how work is stressful and time consuming (ah, I wished he could opened up and say that we are struggling as a married couple). But deep down, I do not know how his relationship with the Lord is. I asked a few weeks ago, I got a two sentence response. Maybe because he is not pursuing God, this affects his faith and ultimately our marriage and intimacy? Who knows...

To summarize:
- my husband clearly likes an athletic women body with firm muscles and flat belly. No question...
- my man is not into sex like most males his age. Sex is alright but not extraordinary
- He grew up in a very conservative family where sex might be seen as sinful
- We are not jointly praying, sharing and reading the Bible together

My heart is aching and breaking because I truly love him. I admire him each day because he is a wonderful person to be with: genuine nice, approachable, humble and passionate about his work.

I'll ask the Lord to give me strenght to not loose hope.

You're welcome; and you see what the main, collective aim for you guys can be: to be daily ecstatic about "jointly praying, sharing and reading the Bible together". The revealed mind of God in His Word is so full and rich; and the intercession of the Lord Jesus (Hebrews 7.25), whose Spirit impels us to cry Abba, Father (Romans 8.15), is constant; and so the joint foremost spiritual aim can be to be knit together in a warmth of appreciation for like precious things in faith, a common warmth that may eventually overflow into what 1 Cor. 7 calls due benevolence.

 

[Poppyseed78]

With all due respect, I don't know that reading the Bible together will fix this issue. I 100% encourage couples to pray and read scripture together, and I do believe that the connection between a husband and a wife should be spiritual first and foremost.

But the repeated rejection this woman has experienced, based on something that is very shallow, is incredibly hurtful. It could be that Bible reading and joint prayer will help, and I hope it does. It should, at least, strengthen their bond and help them understand one another, and also strengthen their individual relationships with God.

However, I feel that it's asking a lot of the OP to be patient and understanding, while she is herself feeling hurt and rejected. In what way is he being reciprocally patient and understanding? I get that her husband has many good qualities. But his overtly telling her that she is overweight, when she is not in fact overweight, undermines her health. So she has to be patient and understanding while he expects her to starve herself for his physical gratification.

I am all for compromise and give-and-take in marriage, but I feel this is unrealistic. I think seeing a Christian couples counselor might be helpful.

 

[faroukfarouk]

With all due respect, I don't know that reading the Bible together will fix this issue. I 100% encourage couples to pray and read scripture together, and I do believe that the connection between a husband and a wife should be spiritual first and foremost.

But the repeated rejection this woman has experienced, based on something that is very shallow, is incredibly hurtful. It could be that Bible reading and joint prayer will help, and I hope it does. It should, at least, strengthen their bond and help them understand one another, and also strengthen their individual relationships with God.

However, I feel that it's asking a lot of the OP to be patient and understanding, while she is herself feeling hurt and rejected. In what way is he being reciprocally patient and understanding? I get that her husband has many good qualities. But his overtly telling her that she is overweight, when she is not in fact overweight, undermines her health. So she has to be patient and understanding while he expects her to starve herself for his physical gratification.

I am all for compromise and give-and-take in marriage, but I feel this is unrealistic. I think seeing a Christian couples counselor might be helpful.

Hi there! I agree with some of your paragraphs, though not all; I do think the bond to be encouraged is basically the spiritual one, from whence the other physical element might also emerge. I'm not sure that a process which lays down secular and legal concepts of obligation will be more likely to lead to this.

Certainly I do acknowledge that medical advice which the couple might feel in need of might well benefit greatly; I'm not qualified to make any medical assessment that might or might not be advantageous, desirable or otherwise necessary.

 

[All4Christ]

Hi there! I agree with some of your paragraphs, though not all; I do think the bond to be encouraged is basically the spiritual one, from whence the other physical element might also emerge. I'm not sure that a process which lays down secular and legal concepts of obligation will be more likely to lead to this.

Certainly I do acknowledge that medical advice which the couple might feel in need of might well benefit greatly; I'm not qualified to make any medical assessment that might or might not be advantageous, desirable or otherwise necessary.

While the physical part is not the most important element, discussing the emotional pain is important, imho. Perhaps that should be addressed in conjunction with prayer and reading scripture, but from personal experience, holding in pain without discussing it can be very hurtful to a relationship. I really think your suggestion is critical, but I also believe open communication regarding emotions is also very important. Even if her husband does not reciprocate intimacy, the pain of being told that you do not fit a physical expectation, etc is not something anyone should experience.

 

[Poppyseed78]

While the physical part is not the most important element, discussing the emotional pain is important, imho. Perhaps that should be addressed in conjunction with prayer and reading scripture, but from personal experience, holding in pain without discussing it can be very hurtful to a relationship. I really think your suggestion is critical, but I also believe open communication regarding emotions is also very important. Even if her husband does not reciprocate intimacy, the pain of being told that you do not fit a physical expectation, etc is not something anyone should experience.

I completely agree. Communication is important. Without it, resentment can build up. It's dismissive to say "pray and read Scripture together". While those things certainly won't hurt, only doing those things won't necessarily fix the physical part of a marriage. In an ideal world, they would. But it just doesn't work like that. The fact that the OP has been praying for over a year, with no improvement, shows that prayer alone does not solve all problems.

I also have to say, I would feel insulted if I were told to be patient and understanding with my husband, who rejects me for something as petty and shallow as a 10-pound weight gain. People are human, and they experience emotion. Emotion is not legal and secular, it's just part of the human condition, and it can't simply be ignored. As a woman that has gone through pregnancy and childbirth, I would be devastated if my husband told me that I was no longer attractive to him. I hate to say "Men wouldn't understand," but, honestly, they wouldn't. This man is hurting his wife, and this is something they have to discuss and work out.

Perhaps reading the Bible together, and doing other activities together, would help the couple bond and thus intimacy would follow. But if his issue truly is about weight, nothing will change. If it's something else, well, that may or may not change either, unless he communicates what his true issue is. So, again, communication is key.

 

[Poppyseed78]

It is not "medical advice" to see a Christian counselor. Medical advice would be antidepressants. Counseling is not medical advice.

OP, wishing all the best to you. I'm stepping out of this thread now.

 

[faroukfarouk]

It is not "medical advice" to see a Christian counselor. Medical advice would be antidepressants. Counseling is not medical advice.

Ugh I'm done with this.

It's okay; what you propose does have value, too. It could bring some good results also.