No Hugging Husband

[Jesusgirl11]

Hi everyone! I have a question/comment, geared toward the Husbands, but I definitely want both gender's thoughts.
My husband has always had trouble hugging other women and I didn't understand why. This could be my friends, or our couple friends, most of whom are "huggy" type people. Recently, he told me it's because it proves to be a temptation and he doesn't want to be on that level of comfort with any woman except for me. It's too much of a temptation for him. He said he is very committed to me and he struggles with the area of lust, which a lot of men struggle with especially. NOTE: He DOES hug me and is very affectionate with me, so that is NOT a problem.
So sometimes a woman-friend will lean in for a hug and he tells them that he doesn't really hug people. This usually comes off as awkward or comes off as rude. That's what I'm worried about - I don't want him to appear rude to other people, especially if their husband doesn't have a problem hugging me. Do you know what I mean?
So all in all, I think I understand where he is coming from, with the temptation. But I'm just worried about those rude-awkward interactions that are GOING to happen (and have happened before) as a result. Does anyone else relate to this?
Thanks.
~Jesus Girl~

 

[Teslafied]

I agree with him... I honestly would not want any woman hugging my man. Just like I'm sure my hubby would not want a man hugging me.

 

[LinkH]

I'm okay with hugging relatives. I can hug other people, male or female, too. But it's a bit less comfortable hugging females that aren't my wife. I kind of just go with the flow. It's not that big of a deal to me. I probably wouldn't try to avoid hugging a woman, say at church or something, unless I had the sense that it wasn't a 'clean hug' she was after, you know, if it felt the motivation was weird. It was an adjustment for me going from Indonesia where people just don't hug, at least not in public, to a more huggy culture in the US. I've never hugged my inlaws.

I greeted an attractive blonde girl at church once. She hugged, then she kissed me on the earlobe. That was weird, but I can tell she missed. I think she was aiming for the cheek. Still a bit weird for me, but she was Russian and I figure they have different customs. I've lived in Indonesia. Some women don't hug at all. Some give you a fake air kiss thing where you don't really kiss each other. And there are some parts of the world, parts of America included, where your males friends, co-workers, etc. kiss your wife on the cheek when they greet her and shake your hand. If I don't sense anything amiss in the intentions, I don't make a fuss.

 

[Hetta]

Could he do the side hug? I have in-laws who do the side hug, and it was strange to me at first, but over time I got used to it and it does prevent that full-frontal embrace.

I think it's actually a really good thing that your husband is aware of this problem and is dealing with it. Some men wouldn't do that. They would go for the hug and enjoy every moment of it. You don't want that in a husband! So, be grateful that while he is struggling with this issue, and while it seems strange to you, he gets top marks from me for honesty.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I hug other women. Just as my wife hugs other men. Nothing weird about it. Unless I know they are doing it for pervy reasons or something. Now in your case your husband is avoiding hugs for a good reason. Its great he admits that. Just tell them he his personal space are is bigger then others. Which for its true. Some don't like to be hugged or even talked to up close. They prefer a handshake and distance between them when they talk. The only time I feel awkward hugging a woman is when she very big chested. Just because for lack of better words you squish her chest just to hug her and its awkward.

 

[akmom]

I'm personally one of those people who doesn't like artificial boundaries. I grew up in a private school with a "two foot rule" between boys and girls and this mentality that we were all just "sin waiting to happen." So I always kind of pushed my husband to accept hugs. Not because I specifically wanted him to hug anyone, but because I wanted to shatter that stigma that I grew up with.

But for your husband, it is not a stigma, but a very real, genuine, and personal problem with hugging that should be respected. Yes, it's awkward, and no, you can't be blunt about the reason for declining a hug. (That would be more awkward than declining the hug.) Perhaps he could feign illness. "Sorry, I've been feeling a cold coming on, and I'd hate to pass it to anyone." Of course that would necessitate declining handshakes and such also.

 

[DZoolander]

I suppose this is one of those things that could be chalked up to "different strokes".

I've got no problems hugging other women - nor my wife giving another guy a hug. Never a once does that launch a sexual thought into my head.

 

[Jesusgirl11]

Wow, thank you SO much for all of your replies! I really appreciate your honesty, it helps to see how other people feel. And I appreciate that there are so many viewpoints. I also appreciate your kind words about my hubby - I do respect him for it.

But for your husband, it is not a stigma, but a very real, genuine, and personal problem with hugging that should be respected. Yes, it's awkward, and no, you can't be blunt about the reason for declining a hug. (That would be more awkward than declining the hug.) Perhaps he could feign illness. "Sorry, I've been feeling a cold coming on, and I'd hate to pass it to anyone." Of course that would necessitate declining handshakes and such also.

Thanks for the tips on awkwardness, akmom!

 

[Mudinyeri]

First, kudos to your husband for attempting to flee temptation.

Second, I grew up with a lot of physical abuse. Any human touch that was not specifically romantic was uncomfortable to me. I've gotten over that as I've matured.

Third, I'm a bit bothered by the general statement that all men struggle with lust - not just from the OP, but from what seems to be the Christian community as a whole. Certainly, many men struggle with lust. Based on my experience, so do many women - although it tends to manifest itself differently in the different sexes. Hence, the word "different." Personally, I don't struggle with lust. I suppose it's possible that I'm the only man in the whole world who doesn't but I doubt it. I think the Christian community has confused appreciation and lust to a great extent. I may notice an attractive woman - because she stands out as more attractive than average. I may also notice an ugly woman for the same reason. That does not mean that I want to have sex with the beautiful woman of cover up the ugly woman with a garbage bag.

Finally, to the OP, if your husband is struggling with lust, I would suggest some Christian counseling. The two of you may have some things to work out. My wife and I have counseled a number of couples in this same position. I could go into our findings but that probably isn't appropriate in this thread or in a public forum.

 

[DZoolander]

I just find it bizarre that a hug would always bring on lustful thoughts.

 

[pgp_protector]

INTJ, I'd rather avoid personal contact of any form if I can.

 

[DZoolander]

Maybe I should qualify my statement a bit.

The lengths that people go to in order to "escape lust" have, at least within the realm of my experience, always seemed bizarre. Why? Because I either found a woman attractive, or I didn't. No other things (like getting a hug from her, what she was wearing, etc) would impact upon that.

The way people make it sound is like those extra things could somehow sway it in one direction or another. Kind of like.. "Well, I'm not really attracted to you...but now that I've touched you...that's changed. Suddenly I want you. Suddenly I want to have sex with you."

Listening to people talk about lust...and let's call lust for what it is...being attracted to someone...is that it's somehow controllable by really superficial things like dress, touch, etc. When I think about people that I've been attracted to in the past, I really have no recollection of stuff like what they were wearing, etc. What I remember is how their face looked, how they smiled, how they carried themselves, etc. I could have hugged them, or I could not have hugged them. They could have been wearing something skimpy - they could have been wearing something like a puritan dress...and it would have had no bearing on my attraction to them.

On the other side of the equation - let's say I found someone unattractive. No amount of hugs, no state of undress, would change that. In fact seeing even more of them would probably have made me less attracted to them. People act like if you were to suddenly be thrust into a room full of naked people - suddenly you'll become overrun by all of these primal sinful urges. Meh, if you'd thrown me into a room full of people I found unattractive naked, I'd have probably tossed my lunch.

Yet - that's the kind of stuff that people focus on in order to "escape lust"...and it's just strange to me.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I agree Ezoolander. Me? I had a inappropriate content addiction I grew out of. But even during that addiction I never hugged a women and thought "Shes so hot!" or anything. It was just a hug. If a hug makes a man feel turned on then obviously theres more going on in his head thats not the norm. Or maybe I am not normal for having had a inappropriate content addiction yet not being turned on by hugs from women.

Hugs are just hugs. And technically we tend to sexualize breasts. Their main function is to feed a child. Maybe thats also why I never thought about them when hugging someone.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah. I agree.

I mean - it might sound kind of piggish for me to say this - but when I was single - every woman I came across was either a "yes" or "no"...and I'd sort of subconsciously make that decision on everyone I came across. Think walking down the street going "yes", "no", "no", "no", "yes", "yes", "no", "no", "no", etc. And it really didn't go beyond that. I either found her appealing, or I didn't. None of that extraneous stuff mattered. I couldn't circumstantially be turned from a "no" to a "yes".

Now, in fairness, there were ones that kinda sat on the fence...and could've gone either way. But that's not technically a no or a yes...lol That's more a "meh, maybe?" In those circumstances I could've been swayed to some degree or other...but not by something like a hug.

 

[akmom]

Oh dear, that was an entertaining read on lust, Zoolander! I think I disagree, but perhaps that's because I'm a woman, and as Mudinyeri said, it seems to manifest differently by gender. Personally I don't walk down the street thinking "yes or no" about whether a person is attractive, and never have - that just doesn't cross my mind hardly ever in casual encounters - but such a consideration may very well be triggered by a hug. Or by attire, theoretically. More likely by some aspect of their personality being revealed. Have you really never re-categorized someone from attractive to not, or vice versa, between your first impression and when you got to know them?

I'll admit, some physical traits are deal breakers, but not many. Almost anyone can seem beautiful to me with the right set of traits, and absolutely any physical appearance can become ugly to me if I resent them enough, hahaha. And I don't just mean a spiritual perception of beautiful or ugly. I mean, people I like literally look physically beautiful to me and those I do not like just look ugly. Do you really mean to say that your concept of physical attractiveness is so objective that you cannot be swayed at all?

"Well, I'm not really attracted to you...but now that I've touched you...that's changed. Suddenly I want you. Suddenly I want to have sex with you."

That is an exaggeration for sure, but that is actually not that bizarre a concept, in my experience, if I am being honest.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, that's a hard one to answer properly, but I'll try.

Part of the reason I'm being kind of extreme in my answer is because the question itself is (at least in my eyes) kind of extreme. The case being presented is that the guy doesn't hug ANYONE because he's afraid that hugging ANYONE will bring forth lustful thoughts. That's an extreme position in my eyes...because it flies in the face of how I see attraction.

Like, let's take someone I used to find really attractive. My first crush as a kid (dunno why that's the one that's coming to mind - but I'll go with it...lol) was an actress named Connie Selleca. When I was growing up I'd always found her really attractive. Then on the opposite end of the spectrum, let's go with Roseanne Barr. I've always found her cringeworthy.

What the guy is apparently saying - if I were to apply it to myself...is that I'd better not give Roseanne Barr a hug, lest I would suddenly find myself running off to another room to touch to the thought of her and start having all of these uncontrollable sexual impulses about her. To me that makes no sense and just comes off with one big "does not compute." lol No hug, no glance, no conversation, could move Roseanne into the "Hey, I'd like that" camp for me.

...and that is kinda what the guy is saying when he says "No hugs in order to escape lust". It's like the hug is such a powerful thing that it will render him some into some craven lustfilled person toward that woman - irregardless of who they are or circumstance.

But then I think about it and I think "Let's take Connie Selleca though. Would giving her a hug suddenly do that to me with her?" That's where it becomes a bit more complicated.

Depends on the circumstance, is the honest answer. For me, lust was often a contextual thing. Circumstance mattered.

Like let's say I was single, and Connie Selleca was a bit younger and about my age. Let's say I knew she was single. Let's say we were on a date. In such a scenario, a hug could lead to more thoughts. But say we met on the street through a mutual friend and did a quick social side hug. Regardless of how attractive I may have found her, probably not.

Context matters.

I don't know if other people are like this - but when I walk into situations I have a range of expected and desired outcomes in mind. As a single guy - "having sex with you" was part of that range of expected and desired outcomes if I found her attractive. As a married guy - that's not part of the equation. How I view interactions is filtered by those thoughts...if that makes any sense. As a married guy - "having sex with you" is not one of the outcomes I view situations with in mind. So I can't imagine something like a hug then leading to other trains of thought - even if I found her attractive.

As to your OTHER question...lol...if things are so cut and dry in my mind that either I find her attractive or I don't - and I couldn't be swayed. Nah. It's not *that* cut and dry, of course. I was only using extremes due to the context of the discussion...where it sounds like the hubby won't give ANYONE a hug lest he suddenly might find himself frothing at the mouth with lust (regardless if it's Rosanne Barr or Connie Selleca...nobody gets a hug...lol)

Of course there are lots of fence-sitters - where there's nothing spectacular about them at first glance - but there's nothing that's grotesque either. In those scenarios, sure, how they present themselves, etc...might make a difference.

 

[kmrichard7]

I only like hugs from my kids or my husbands. Anyone else and its uncomfortable for me. I tend to do the one armed hug with everyone else haha. Idk why i just like my personal space.

My husband is pretty much the same way. He is very physically affectionate but when it comes to hugs he only hugs me when we are in bed. He hugs the kids frequently though. He does an awkward one hand hug with everyone else.

Its not that we are worried about tenptation, its just that we like space.
I think its great that your husband recognizes a weak point and is being proactive.

 

[WolfGate]

Does not phase me to hug women or men. Only uncomfortable part is if I think someone may be one of those people who is not comfortable with hugs.

 

[Mudinyeri]

@EZoolander, I disagree with your definition of lust. The Google dictionary defines lust as "a very strong sexual desire." For me, and I would hope for most people, attractiveness does not equal a very strong sexual desire. Then again, maybe I'm the one weirdo out there who doesn't jump immediately from, "That woman is attractive," to, "I can hardly stop myself from having sex with that woman." (No Bill Clinton jokes, please.)

I do not mean to objectify women, but, to me, a beautiful woman is like an amazing work of art (God's handiwork). I've seen the Mona Lisa and thought it was a beautiful painting but didn't want to steal it and take it home with me. I can see a beautiful woman, think, "She's beautiful," but not think, "I need to take her home and have sex with her." I can even hug her and still not think sexual thoughts. My guess is that not everyone is in that same place. To some, the physical contact of a hug may fan the flames of a glowing ember of sexual desire.

 

[Dave-W]

The Google dictionary defines lust as "a very strong sexual desire."

Google does not have the definitions every one else uses. Many define "lust" as any hint of sexual interest.

Ephesians 5:3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.