Newly married, lots of problems

[thesunisout]

Hi there,

I just wanted to open and honest about what is going on in my marriage with some fellow brothers and sisters. The situation is that I am newly married to the love of my life, but that things are souring in a big way. I've known my wife for about 10 years, she is newly saved and I was saved in 2010. My wife is bi-polar and suffers with depression. This wasn't news to me, and there were definitely problems before we got married, but we both felt led by the Lord to get married and so we entrusted everything to God.

I know in my heart that the Lord wanted us to be married but there has been a constant fighting and unhappiness in my life since we got married and it is taking a toll on me.

On the positive side my wife is a sincere believer, seeking after the Lord. She wants us to center our lives around God. She is not really going out of her way to hurt me, it is more a consequence of her bi-polar condition and the fact that she is extremely introverted.

What I am having trouble with is that emotionally, I feel pretty beat up. She has major depression and mood swings and she takes out her feelings and frustrations on me. She has a bad anger problem and I on the receiving end of a lot of it. I am a pretty sensitive person and it hurts me quite a bit.

On my side I have been too controlling and also having an anger problem towards her. She needs a lot of help; she needs help getting up, keeping a direction and focus, taking her pills, eating right etc. I have to be involved in her life at a level that isn't normal, kind of taking the role of a caregiver in some ways. This has led me to overstep my bounds in some areas, and led to bitterness in both our hearts. I'm backing away from that, and I have to admit that I have no idea how to love my wife as I should. I feel very hurt and frustrated, and feel like I am getting more anger from her than love.

I know I am a broken person trying to do Jesus' job when I need to let the Spirit work through me. It's just a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. Thanks for listening.

 

[Angeldove97]

I deal with depression and anxiety (while also being very introverted) and my Mom has bi-polar, so hubby has a similar situation. I'll address it as a wife though.

Early on in our relationship, hubby did what you're doing: he did a lot for me so that I could cope with my issues. I depended so much on him that when he was burned out or upset, I took it personally and tried to destroy myself further until he went back to caring for me. Repeat a thousand times... and you can get a very broken relationship.

Speaking for myself:
- I had to learn how to deal with my depression/anxiety/enter any other mental and emotional issue on my own. I'm healthy enough to have better coping mechanisms most of the time and I finally told myself to stop trying to help when I'm upset/something is off. And that it is okay for him to NOT help me because honestly the best thing for me is to work through the problem and help myself.

- I had to start caring for myself - I went back to the dentist finally (hubby came the first time and since then he's only sat in the waiting room once), I'm working on my own religious studies, I'm finding projects at my job to extend my skills and talents. I have to get myself to do what every normal person does without any help - take a shower, eat, take my pills, brush my hair, silly every day things, but for me it takes a long time and takes a lot of energy. I don't let hubby tell me what I need to do now because otherwise I will rely on him too much.

It's good that you're backing off - now she needs to step up and take care of herself. Not an easy task at all with what she is going through, but she will continue to rely on you unless you back off. I'm hoping that she's in some kind of therapy for what she is going through - perhaps you could talk to a counselor about what your role should be in a healthy relationship. And keep praying for her - I told my husband that is the best thing he can do for me: pray pray pray.

 

[Odetta]

I'm bipolar, and before I was on the proper medications that appropriately addressed my symptoms, I behaved much like your wife. I can tell that I didn't want to behave that way, but I often couldn't control it. The guilt I had at that was horrible, and contributed to the downward spiral. I share that to say that she's probably as miserable as you are, if not more.

That said, it sounds like her medications aren't working very well. For both your sakes, I suggest going back to her doctor and seek out better alternatives. I also suggest you both get counseling - therapy in addition to medication for her is often quite helpful. And you need it to deal with your own feelings about her condition, and in determining what your appropriate role is. As with anyone who is a caregiver of someone who is ill, you need support yourself.

I pray for you, because I know first hand that something like this can be damaging to a marriage and family, and you are wise to seek counsel before things get worse. I also pray for you because there is also hope for improvement and stability.

 

[sophian]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have schizophrenia, and I put my hubby through A LOT. he is super stressed out by me every waking day. I increased my meds and I am much better. I would suggest like the other comment to get the right meds for her. You will definitely notice a difference.

 

[JojotheBeloved]

Hi there,

I just wanted to open and honest about what is going on in my marriage with some fellow brothers and sisters. The situation is that I am newly married to the love of my life, but that things are souring in a big way. I've known my wife for about 10 years, she is newly saved and I was saved in 2010. My wife is bi-polar and suffers with depression. This wasn't news to me, and there were definitely problems before we got married, but we both felt led by the Lord to get married and so we entrusted everything to God.

I know in my heart that the Lord wanted us to be married but there has been a constant fighting and unhappiness in my life since we got married and it is taking a toll on me.

On the positive side my wife is a sincere believer, seeking after the Lord. She wants us to center our lives around God. She is not really going out of her way to hurt me, it is more a consequence of her bi-polar condition and the fact that she is extremely introverted.

What I am having trouble with is that emotionally, I feel pretty beat up. She has major depression and mood swings and she takes out her feelings and frustrations on me. She has a bad anger problem and I on the receiving end of a lot of it. I am a pretty sensitive person and it hurts me quite a bit.

On my side I have been too controlling and also having an anger problem towards her. She needs a lot of help; she needs help getting up, keeping a direction and focus, taking her pills, eating right etc. I have to be involved in her life at a level that isn't normal, kind of taking the role of a caregiver in some ways. This has led me to overstep my bounds in some areas, and led to bitterness in both our hearts. I'm backing away from that, and I have to admit that I have no idea how to love my wife as I should. I feel very hurt and frustrated, and feel like I am getting more anger from her than love.

I know I am a broken person trying to do Jesus' job when I need to let the Spirit work through me. It's just a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. Thanks for listening.

I'm sorry to hear you're having troubles. I hope to offer a small encouragement. You are not alone in this. My husband and I are newlyweds too and we also have had what seems to us like a really rough time since the wedding. But, in pastoral counseling and in speaking with trusted friends and family members, we have been encouraged that adjustment in new marriage is hard work and sometimes it isn't fun, but it is normal. Specific personal factors do make a difference, so please understand I'm not trying to minimize that struggle. But take comfort knowing that it's normal for newlywed couples to fight more and go through rough times more at first, but as long as both people are committed and willing to work things out, adjustments will be made and it will get better.
At least that's what we've been told, and it's helping us keep a positive outlook. I also tend to feel like my husband takes out his frustrations on me emotionally sometimes, but it has helped us to go to pastoral counseling - we have a really good pastor who is also a really good counselor. If you don't, than please seek out someone who is a good spiritual and practical counselor. It has also helped us to purposefully recognize and change our thinking patterns (this is something that counseling helps with). When my husband starts putting his problems and frustrations on me, I have to learn not to accept it in my mind and instead to realize he's not trying to hurt me - he is frustrated. Sometimes, I have pointed it out kindly to him that this is what he's doing and it's not correct and it hurts my feelings. As long as I don't react emotionally, I listen and then respond kindly and clearly, he starts to calm down and we can work on the problem as a team instead of beating each other up emotionally. He does the same thing when I am freaking out about something. As long as he doesn't join the freak out, we can calm down and talk to find a solution. Effective communication and the safety to be honest even when it hurts has helped us.
I know it's not much, but I hope just knowing you're not alone and it's a common problem among newlyweds is a comfort and encouragement.