Newly married and having problems

[Juju123]

Phew... Where to begin...

The dating part started off rocky, then he moved to another country for a work opportunity and we did the long distance thing for two years. He dated other women in between and then finally came back and proposed to me. I was madly inlove and said yes. We got married a few months later. I am 26, he is 40 and has a daughter from a previous relationship.

So I left my job and packed up my life and moved with him to the other country, within 4 weeks of being away my father was murdered on our family farm back home and it hit me hard. I flew back and spent time at home (without him as he had work commitments) my father was my rock and stability in my life. He was a Christian that dedicated he's life to spreading Gods word through the Internet and via Christian Channels. He was always my go-to person for everything. But I believe there is a reason why God took him from us so early.

I've been married for 6 months so far and I'm afraid that I will lose my husband. He does not sleep in the same bed as what I do at night. He prefers to sleep on the couch. It affects me badly as I can't sleep and feel uneasy. He also chats to other women on a regular basis. He says they are close friends and I do believe him but I'm also unsure if there is more to it. I experience jealousy and anger and I try so hard not to show it. I really try and do everything for him as a wife should, I support him in his work, I make sure he has a clean home to come to, cooked meals everyday. I see to he's sexual needs as often as he requires.

There are communication problems, whenever I would like to talk about my concerns he either doesn't want to talk/busy or it ends in a fight.

I feel being a newly married couple and experiencing these problems so early on isn't healthy. I have prayed about this every day for the last few months be asked God to lead me on the right path and help me.

Right now I am unsure what to do. I have no one to talk to.

 

[Armoured]

Phew... Where to begin...

The dating part started off rocky, then he moved to another country for a work opportunity and we did the long distance thing for two years. He dated other women in between and then finally came back and proposed to me. I was madly inlove and said yes. We got married a few months later. I am 26, he is 40 and has a daughter from a previous relationship.

So I left my job and packed up my life and moved with him to the other country, within 4 weeks of being away my father was murdered on our family farm back home and it hit me hard. I flew back and spent time at home (without him as he had work commitments) my father was my rock and stability in my life. He was a Christian that dedicated he's life to spreading Gods word through the Internet and via Christian Channels. He was always my go-to person for everything. But I believe there is a reason why God took him from us so early.

I've been married for 6 months so far and I'm afraid that I will lose my husband. He does not sleep in the same bed as what I do at night. He prefers to sleep on the couch. It affects me badly as I can't sleep and feel uneasy. He also chats to other women on a regular basis. He says they are close friends and I do believe him but I'm also unsure if there is more to it. I experience jealousy and anger and I try so hard not to show it. I really try and do everything for him as a wife should, I support him in his work, I make sure he has a clean home to come to, cooked meals everyday. I see to he's sexual needs as often as he requires.

There are communication problems, whenever I would like to talk about my concerns he either doesn't want to talk/busy or it ends in a fight.

I feel being a newly married couple and experiencing these problems so early on isn't healthy. I have prayed about this every day for the last few months be asked God to lead me on the right path and help me.

Right now I am unsure what to do. I have no one to talk to.

Wow.

OK, do you have a local church in your new home? Thy should be able to direct you to appropriate services to get some help and establish some sort of support network.

 

[Juju123]

Wow.

OK, do you have a local church in your new home? Thy should be able to direct you to appropriate services to get some help and establish some sort of support network.

Unfortunately we have moved to Saudi Arabia. Where there are literally no churches. I read pieces by myself and pray most of the time. Don't have many options here.

 

[Armoured]

Unfortunately we have moved to Saudi Arabia. Where there are literally no churches. I read pieces by myself and pray most of the time. Don't have many options here.

OK then. Well scratch that idea. So how long are you planning on being there? Because you may have to bite the bullet and straight up tell him you're not coping and want to go home.

 

[Juju123]

He's planning on staying a few years. If I say I want to go home I will be going on my own as he has a very good job here.

 

[Juju123]

I doubt going home without my husband will solve issues. I really think it would make it way worse.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Saudia Arabia.... >.< I've known so many that have gone there and got so burnt out that they came home. More so women. Between being treated badly and the threat of attack because your christian, its a tough country.

That aside one red flag I seen with your husband is the fact he was talking to many women when he was with you "then" decided to choose you to engage. I would not go with someone who was dating many people at once. Your a person, not a number to be chosen from in a lottery. The fact you give him sex when he wants it, but he sleeps on the couch makes no sense to me. Unless there is something wrong like maybe he snores or you snore...etc, theres no reason he should be on the couch. I get you trust him, trust is important. But something is very fishy here. Especially because hes still talking to woman. I wonder if he sleeps on the couch so he can talk to them and maybe do something "immoral" while on the couch where you can't see him. It wouldn't be the first time I've seen it happen. Also since talks end in fights then theres the possibility hes hiding something and its why hes always defensive when trying to talk.

I don't believe in checking phones, emails and so on. BUT I do feel trust. So I'd ask him if he would let you see his phone (computer, and so on). But tell him you want to see it at that moment, not later. Because showing you later means he may try to buy time so he can delete any evidence on it if hes doing more then just talking to these women. If he refuses then thats all the proof you need of whats really going on. I will say he may tell you "If you love me you would trust me and not need to look!". But its often a excuse to put the focus on you and to make you feel guilty. Truth is if he loves you and trusts you he would hand over the phone (and other stuff) just this once so it shows he is honest with you. You two are one now. Yours is his and his is yours.

I'm not promoting spying all the time of course. Because then that would destroy trust. Im just saying to check once. If hes really innocent then theres nothing to hide at all. If nothing works out then not sure what to do. Can you afford to go back to america (assuming thats your original country)? If not maybe find someone who can help you get back there. Even if its just a "vacation". Tell him that will be your next step if he doesn't show the phone or doesn't want to get counselling somehow.

 

[mkgal1]

I doubt going home without my husband will solve issues. I really think it would make it way worse.

I guess it depends on what issues you're trying to solve. If it's your husband's lack of care for your sense of trust and security---I don't really believe you can manage that (it's up to him and his motivation once you've let him know).

But.....if it's your own sense of well-being.....that's something you can manage (and maybe returning will improve your sense of well-being).

 

[Biblically Speaking]

@Juju123 It is well with you and your married. Its sometimes good to focus on the good that is marriage than the wrong and issues going on. You have entered a good institution that is and was God's idea from the beginning (Genesis). Therefore I would say continue to seek the Lord and speak to Him concerning everything that is happening. As marriage is God's idea it is heavily attached by the devil who tries everything to bring dishonor, hurt, disappointment and whatever else to cause us to feel we have made a mistake etc. I would rather have you speak truth into your marriage and declare the word of God over your life and your husband. You have become one and now have authority over anything that may be or have come between you both. Command every contrary spirits and issues caused by you both in your marriage to leave in the name of Jesus and prophesy the life and marriage that you know God would have you experience (one that glorifies Him and reflects His image). God is able and if your husband is truly a man who God considers His own He will speak to him in due time and my prayer is that all things will work for the good and that you will testify of Gods faithfulness in Jesus name. Be encouraged and stay focused, looking unto Jesus the hope of glory and fthe one who has all the answers.

Bless you

 

[Susie~Q]

Hmmm, I don't think it is right having other women as "good friends" you should be his bestest friend. That would be a major concern of mine. It does sound like you are trying to be a good wife, but, I also say you should talk with him about these issues. You say he won't listen, well, force the issue, prepare a nice meal and have a "date night" discuss your concerns and how you are feeling so lonesome and unloved. Tell him you are homesick and that you want you and him to have a loving relationship. I live in New Zealand, I am from America, and believe me, the first three years of marriage was tough, I am finally use to it here and we get along lots better, but, it took time. I cannot imagine how living in a predominately non-Christian country would be.

 

[Thunder Peel]

Is your husband a Christian? I'm reading so many questionable things in your post that raise some major red flags.

 

[Murby]

Seems to me that you're being used as a tool.. Sound like he's treating you like a maid and sex vending machine. I would leave and get on with my life in a place where you have family, friends, and a support system.

 

[live4Christ2016]

Leave. No man talks to other women without chatting about sexual things. He's on the couch because he is chatting with others. It's a form of cheating. To marry him and he is still chatting with other women is a slap in the face. You should be the only thing on his mind.

 

[mkgal1]

There are communication problems, whenever I would like to talk about my concerns he either doesn't want to talk/busy or it ends in a fight.

This is what's called "stonewalling" and it's completely dismissive of your concerns (think of the gesture "talk to the hand"). Nothing will ever get resolved, because a person that does this as a routine isn't *interested* in resolving things for the other person. It sounds as if he's completely content with things (even if you aren't---which is what concerns me most).

If you do decide to go back "home"---you need to do so with caution and maybe even guidance. A person like your husband (and you have very little in-person knowledge of him, it seems) and in the country you two are in can be very dangerous for you. You may want to contact someone in your home country that deals with domestic abuse.